Help! Autistic brother moved home.

[HJQuinn]

I'm here because I think my older brother has high functioning autism or Asperger's Syndrome. He also has OCD. He is 51 years old and was never officially diagnosed but I'm realizing he has probably had this since childhood. I'm ten years younger than him so didn't grow up around him. He has recently moved in with my parents. My mother has Alzheimer's and my Dad was caring for her. At first, my dad was happy to have the help but I noticed right away my brother seemed to lack understanding of personal space. He was helpful, but almost too helpful. He has taken over some of the tasks my dad was hoping my mother could continue to do. He is very intrusive and if we attempt to correct him he is very defensive Talking to him is like talking to an Encylcopedia and he also seems offended if we attempt to add anything to the conversation. There is no interchange, as if he believes his way is the only correct way to do anything. I'm concerned for my parents. They get along fine as long as they do whatever he wants. Are they enabling him? Is it better to cater to him or is there a way we can communicate to him without upsetting him? Any suggestions are welcome! Thank you!

 

[Lysander]

I have a lot of sympathy for your situation. Setting specific boundaries is the first place to start. Try writing out a list of things for him not to do and give him an opportunity to ask questions about why.

I think he probably wants to feel needed and maybe the reason why he gets offended is because when he is asked not to do something he felt at the time was helpful, he feels general uncertainty about what (if anything) is needed from him.

Try writing out a list of specific tasks to please help you with. Make sure he knows what exactly he is doing well and don't be afraid to put into words some positive feedback.

Consistency also helps. But given his age, it sounds like maybe he's bored from not feeling challenged? (just speculating here)

Maybe consider giving him more options. He might be needing to burn off energy.

Best of luck to you!

 

[Lysander]

Family is always complicated. Try to maintain a loving, inviting demeanor. Dispense forgiveness constantly.

Fake it til you make it/be the change you wish to see, ect ect.

 

[HJQuinn]

@Lysander Thank you for your suggestions. I will tell my Dad to make lists for him. That may help him to only do things that are needed. The problem is when he first moved back we didn't realize he had this problem. If we had known we could've set limits from the beginning. I'm trying to learn what I can about this because I honestly don't know the best way to communicate with him. For example, he's obssessed with my cat. It's as if he has no concept that she's mine. He even took her to the vet recently without my knowledge and made decisions about vet treatment for her! How do I explain to him that she's my cat?? Initially I told him where to feed her. He changed her whole routine and when I said something to him about it he snapped at me.

 

[HJQuinn]

@Lysander So far we have been very patient and kind with him until we can figure out the best way to handle it. He is happy as long as he gets his way but I'm afraid that could be a problem in the long run and it's not fair to my dad. To make it more complicated my dad avoids confrontation so will not assert himself which is part of the reason we're in this situation. I feel better already having found this forum and some people to talk to who may actually understand and have some reasonable suggestions. Thank you!

 

[Fino]

How do you currently talk to him about these sorts of things? It could be helpful to explain anything kindly and in great detail, sort of how you might explain a new concept to a child. That might sound condescending, but the ways we explain to kids is just with great patience and thoroughness, so I don't mean it in any condescending sort of way.

For example, you could calmly explain that this is your cat, you care very much about your cat, it's important to you to be able to spend time with him and take care of him because that's why you got the cat, and when he takes the cat to the vet or does anything else with the cat without your knowledge, it makes you feel bad, like you're being violated or something, and if he could please discuss with you anything he desires to do with the cat, you would greatly appreciate it.

Obviously, I don't know him, so this is assuming the issue is simply lack of understanding and he doesn't have some sort of malicious intent or something.

 

[Fino]

He is happy as long as he gets his way but I'm afraid that could be a problem in the long run and it's not fair to my dad.

Perhaps, if you haven't already tried, it could be a useful strategy to try to, if you can, concede something every time "no" is the answer. "You can't do that, we're going to do this, but, you can..." or "but, next time..." which is also very similar to how one deals with a child.

These ideas are based on how other people have dealt with me, before I took medication. (Maybe he should be medicated.)

 

[HJQuinn]

@Fino Great! I will definitely try that! I don't think he has malicious intent. That is the confusing part, he is so compassionate but just seems to lack the ability to perceive that certain things are inappropriate. I think he has become very attached to my cat and doesn't realize he's overstepping. That was just one example, he is overstepping with a lot of things and doesn't seem to realize it. He seems to think he is the expert at everything so if we try to redirect him he will just try to explain all of the reasons to us why it's necessary to do it his way What medication are you taking? Is it common for Aspies to also have OCD? Would you recommend a behavioral therapist?

 

[HJQuinn]

@Fino I just wasn't sure what the treatment was for this. He originally saw a psychiatrist who gave him Paxil for OCD but he quit taking it and quit going. I don't know why because when he first moved back he seemed to want the help. I may try to get him to see a Behavioral Therapist and get a proper diagnosis and hopefully treatment. I guess I'm just nervous about bringing it up to him again.

 

[Pats]

So, do you also live in the same house?

 

[HJQuinn]

@Pats No. I live about an hour away. I was already in the habit of checking in with them regularly because my mom has Alzheimer's.

 

[Pats]

I was the only one who lived in town near my mom and was there every day and as she got sicker (terminal pulmonary fibrosis), eventually she moved in with me. I resented my sisters when they would come in and try to take over. You know them currently better than he does and you better know their needs, but with time, he may get more of a hang of it. He's trying. Being open about everything with your brother and your dad will be the best and as time goes on, the three of you are going to have to have some serious discussions and decisions to make together. You're in a tough spot.
Does your cat live with you and why is he taking it to the vet?

 

[HJQuinn]

@Pats Yeah. It's complicated. I feel like the voice of reason but I get drowned out sometimes. I definitely understand my parents' needs better so that is what is frustrating. And yes it's the serious decisions I'm dreading If things keep going this way my older brother will be deciding everything and it sucks when we are trying to process our emotions at the same time. It's taking a lot of patience just to keep the peace. My dad is a saint I don't know how he does it. He's had to take care of my mom, not just with the Alzheimer's but she has had bipolar and migraines her whole life as well.

I just didn't know where to start. I think I am not familiar with how my brother processes his thoughts/ emotions so I don't want to trigger a meltdown or get on his bad side. I think thats my worry. He's become kind of set in his routine so it may be a challenge but when I have the opportunity I may try to apply some of these suggestions and talk to him.

Thanks for listening. This is very helpful. Thank you

 

[Fino]

I believe without the diagnoses of co-morbids, treatment would be symptom-based, such aggression, anxiety, depression, etc.

 

[Fino]

@Fino Great! I will definitely try that! I don't think he has malicious intent. That is the confusing part, he is so compassionate but just seems to lack the ability to perceive that certain things are inappropriate. I think he has become very attached to my cat and doesn't realize he's overstepping. That was just one example, he is overstepping with a lot of things and doesn't seem to realize it. He seems to think he is the expert at everything so if we try to redirect him he will just try to explain all of the reasons to us why it's necessary to do it his way What medication are you taking? Is it common for Aspies to also have OCD? Would you recommend a behavioral therapist?

I take Lithium, Adderall, Buspar, and Wellbutrin, but I've also been diagnosed with BPD and ADHD.

But diagnoses aside, I was very emotionally reactive, having some sort of freak out almost every day before Lithium and it stopped it entirely, and the other three got rid of depression, reduced anxiety, especially social anxiety, and cleared my thinking and helped me focus.

So if any of those issues I had helped are a problem for someone, I imagine they can be helped, as well, whether or not the diagnoses are the same.

It's common for Aspies to have co-morbids and it's common for Aspies to have OCD-like tendencies, which I certainly have many of, but the actual diagnosis of OCD, I don't know whether or not that's especially common. It could be, I actually just don't know.

I do know that OCD is commonly misunderstood and behaviors you perceive as being indicative of OCD may be more along the lines of OCPD and, even then, not necessarily qualify for a diagnosis of OCDP. I think of my OCDPD/OCD-like traits as being part of my Autism, and I have been treated for these traits without OCD or OCPD ever being mentioned by the therapist.

Of course, that could all be wrong, I obviously haven't observed his behavior. He could have OCD, for all I know. But I've found my observations to be true quite often.

I think a behavioral therapist would be great! A cognitive-behavioral therapist, a behavioral therapist, or a therapist of any kind that specializes in Autism would all be very helpful, if he is willing.

 

[HJQuinn]

@Fino Thank you. When it comes to my cat, it seems like he is more obssessive. When I visit he will constantly ask Is the cat inside, Is she outside, Is she inside, is she outside. He's constantly checking on her. Is it because he's developed an emotional attachment to her? That is what seems strange to me because it's not even his cat. D It's excessive to say the least. He's always loved cats. I suppose his two main interests are cats and airplanes.

 

[HJQuinn]

@Fino That's interesting about the OCD tendencies actually being part of the Asperger's. That makes sense. I think I originally thought he had OCD but couldn't make sense of the other behavior but now it's starting to make more sense in my head. My mom had him before she met my dad and she has bi-polar so unfortunately I had assumed my brother had a rough childhood with her before she met my dad. He was ten years old by then so I always thought maybe she verbally or emotionally abused him but now it seems he could have been born with Asperger's and always had those traits and we just didn't know. Maybe as a child he didn't understand my mom's emotions anyways, especially if he had Asperger's? He has no resentment towards her at all and the utmost respect for her I always admired him for that because I've personally had to work through my relationship with her. So are you born with Asperger's or is it affected by environmental factors as well? I know I could look it up but I've found personal experiences are the best way to learn about things. I appreciate ya'll's input.

 

[Fino]

My understanding is that you are born with it, as signs have been detected in infants and a diagnosis can be made as early as two years old. I'm not sure if it's a matter of fact that you're born with it. Based on the fact that it's a developmental disorder makes me think that it's something that progresses over time and can, therefore, be slowed with intervention, which is what makes an early diagnosis important.

But I'm not confident in my knowledge of that area, and I'm sure there are at least several amazing people here who could answer that better.

I was diagnosed when I was fourteen because my parents don't believe in doctors (Christian Scientists). I was deprived of social contact for the first approximately 9-10 years of my life, so I had always assumed my social retardation was caused by that and I'm sure it contributed to it even if it didn't cause it.

When I was diagnosed, I didn't think much of it and just thought of it as a name for lacking social skills. I was also depressed and didn't care. I knew very little about it until a few years ago when, in college, I made friends with someone who is autistic. I had practically forgotten about it for several years.

 

[Fino]

@Fino Thank you. When it comes to my cat, it seems like he is more obssessive. When I visit he will constantly ask Is the cat inside, Is she outside, Is she inside, is she outside. He's constantly checking on her. Is it because he's developed an emotional attachment to her? That is what seems strange to me because it's not even his cat. D It's excessive to say the least. He's always loved cats. I suppose his two main interests are cats and airplanes.

Yeah, I'm sure has has an emotional attachment. It's common for people with autism to have attachments to animals or objects. I couldn't begin to explain the science behind it, but my own explanation is: they're not humans. Hooray! The stress of what to say and what to do, and the fear of rejection, ridicule, and violence are all gone in those cases.

And if cats, along with airplanes, is his special interest, then it's likely he thinks about the cat much more than you expect. If he's like me, then it probably gives him anxiety to not know where the cat is. It's not cats for me, but it's the same idea. Not knowing feels like a dark spot in my brain that I need to fill in by finding out.

Can he not get his own cat where he lives?

 

[HJQuinn]

@Fino Well, my parents have an inside cat and my cat is the outside cat. I actually live an hour away but I always considered her my cat and my dad continued to take care of her after I moved. I visit weekly and handle all of her vet visits etc. When my brother moved there he changed her whole routine and he also obsesses over their cat. I thought about getting him his own cat but then I thought he would just obsess over all 3 of them. I actually feel bad for my cat because she isn't used to being checked on so much so that has been the biggest point of contention for me. She's had her happy little life for years hanging out on the porch and only coming in when it was cold out and now he is chasing her around everywhere D I'm trying to decide if I should bring her to my house because maybe it's enabling him and it could help him to see it's not rational behavior or should I relinquish the cat to him out of love and consideration for him? It's seems to have come down to which relationship I cherish more, my brother's or my cat's.