Help for Dating Someone with High Functioning Autism

[Dawn Pope]

Just keep it open and talk about it. I'm kinda oblivious for those things as well so i really appreciate it when my girlfriend tells me what bothers her. If you don't know why exactly he doesn't want it, maybe he has an explanation for it.

Ofcourse I can't talk for everybody and all aspies are different but I personally want her to tell me those things so we can work it out. Every action has a thought and every thought has a process, communication is key if you ask me. Even if we can be bad at it sometimes, best way to learn is to do it

Just wrapping my head around this....should I mention aspies...or just let it go for now? I don't think he is the kinda guy that is gonna just tell me.. He is 33 does not have a lot of friends but a few very good ones that I can tell. Been with him several months and he is always asking what is wrong (most of the time nothing) ... I guess I will not expect him to figure it out by my evasive...why the heck don't you know answers.....lol

 

[RidingDutchman]

Just wrapping my head around this....should I mention aspies...or just let it go for now? I don't think he is the kinda guy that is gonna just tell me.. He is 33 does not have a lot of friends but a few very good ones that I can tell. Been with him several months and he is always asking what is wrong (most of the time nothing) ... I guess I will not expect him to figure it out by my evasive...why the heck don't you know answers.....lol

The fact that he asks what is wrong is a good sign that he cares. I wouldn't directly say that you have been searching on the internet about it if you are scared he might not like that but I would definitely tell him what is bothering you if he asks about it.

If you are already scared to talk about issues now it is a problem that will keep building up and it my opinion not really a steady base for a healthy relationship.

Don't overwhelm him with everything at the same time but pick a thing that bothers you most and ask him about it. Don't attack him "Why don't you (...)" but ask him if there's something the matter. Like when he takes your hands off of his, ask him if he isn't comfortable about it and ask him why. If he really cares he will at least try to explain I would say, it might just scare him for some reason. We might seem vague on the outside occasionally but our brains can be quite straight forward, you just need some extra passwords to see the contents.

 

[Dawn Pope]

It's not that I a afraid to talk to him...just not familiar and would like to handle this the best way I can. I guess I knew some signs because I did google it.... Again I could be totally wrong about the whole thing....that being said thanks so much, I at least will try to look at things differently now and tone down the frustration level.

 

[nowwhat]

AHEM. ASSUMING HE'S AN ASPIE:

The only way to communicate with aspies is very clearly and directly. You'd be amazed how candidly and frankly you can handle even touchy subjects if you treat them very clearly, plainly and directly. We are incredibly bad at catching hints, filling in the blanks, reading your clues, etc. etc. You would do well to somehow remove as much emotional charging from the topic as possible, as if he senses this, it will sabotage communication instantly. Unfortunately, the most effective communication mode for us is rather unromantic, and often doesn't work at all for NT love interests.

If you can calmly and very plainly state what you would like, without applying any more emotional leverage than absolutely necessary, he might be able to process this aspect of your relationship in "logic mode" and it might work out for you. If you try to drag him into limbic territory, a trainwreck is the likely outcome. If you are able to communicate your needs without overwhelming, guilting, or otherwise putting him off the topic, he will have gotten in his head what you would really like. If you get that far, it will be the same as with any other lover: The outcome depends on whether he values this relationship enough to compromise. We aspies are not particularly great at change, compromise or any operations outside our comfort zone. Good luck.

You might also start deciding how the value you place on this relationship bears on how much of this sort of thing you might be willing to simply put up with. I mean, he works hard, doesn't seem to have any crippling vices, is not abusive or controlling, and is apparently hell in the sack. Look around, you could do worse. You will never find someone who offers it all. That person doesn't exist.

 

[Dawn Pope]

The more I think about the whole picture I am sure (don't have a doubt at all) he is a aspie. Every thing now makes sense and now I appreciate him more because I know how hard this is for him..i wish he had just told me. Now i feel like i am a fraud if i dont say something to him...so my thoughts are going away from what am i doing wrong to how or can i deal with this.. I am older than him and that bothered me but he just could care less. Which i found very endearing. I like everything about him, so I guess i will tread lightly but I gotta ask so we can deal with it and hopefully move on.

 

[ancusmitis]

He said he has autism but doesn't know what kind? That doesn't even make sense.. I didn't even read your post beyond that because that raised a red flag to me already.

Worth pointing out, even before the DSM-V, it was always very difficult to distinguish "objectively" between Aspergers and HFA. Different practitioners who distinguished the two would do so for different reasons. I myself was diagnosed with both of them (by different shrinks), even though they were supposed to be mutually exclusive. This is part of the reason the two categories were merged in the first place, as I recall.

 

[Dawn Pope]

AHEM. ASSUMING HE'S AN ASPIE:

The only way to communicate with aspies is very clearly and directly. You'd be amazed how candidly and frankly you can handle even touchy subjects if you treat them very clearly, plainly and directly. We are incredibly bad at catching hints, filling in the blanks, reading your clues, etc. etc. You would do well to somehow remove as much emotional charging from the topic as possible, as if he senses this, it will sabotage communication instantly. Unfortunately, the most effective communication mode for us is rather unromantic, and often doesn't work at all for NT love interests.

If you can calmly and very plainly state what you would like, without applying any more emotional leverage than absolutely necessary, he might be able to process this aspect of your relationship in "logic mode" and it might work out for you. If you try to drag him into limbic territory, a trainwreck is the likely outcome. If you are able to communicate your needs without overwhelming, guilting, or otherwise putting him off the topic, he will have gotten in his head what you would really like. If you get that far, it will be the same as with any other lover: The outcome depends on whether he values this relationship enough to compromise. We aspies are not particularly great at change, compromise or any operations outside our comfort zone. Good luck.

You might also start deciding how the value you place on this relationship bears on how much of this sort of thing you might be willing to simply put up with. I mean, he works hard, doesn't seem to have any crippling vices, is not abusive or controlling, and is apparently hell in the sack. Look around, you could do worse. You will never find someone who offers it all. That person doesn't exist.

I posted this cause its very true...and I am still wondering can I handle this...

Well, the more I read the more I wonder.....

ASPIE things I am learning to accept..
little eye contact
no touching
no planning ahead
be VERY direct in you questions
learn to deal with obsessions
do not call him on the phone
do not text long texts
smile cause otherwise something must be wrong

Me - NT trying to figure out whether he is happy because I have never seen him smile...

Me. I know you don't want to look at me but please stop looking at the phone for a second...
Him..why
Me...cause I will know you are listening to me...
him...I am listening

Me...I just want a hug ...2 seconds...
him...umm why...not now
Me... I had a bad day and it will make me feel better
him...if I have too

Me....can I meet you in an hour...
him .... maybe
me...what does that mean can I get a yes or no
him...no response....

sunny all day for the next 3 days....
weather channel 24-7
me...lets go out and look at the stars.
him...why...
me...cause it will make me happy
him...I am too tired....

Me..can you kiss me before we make love...
Him...if I have to
Me...just kiss me

Ok this is all very typical for us...I go back to my question...is he happy or just with me because he feels he is suppose to be with someone?

Oh and I really don't think he knows he is an Aspie..

Am I happy...hell I don't know...LOL...I know I would be happier if I thought he was happy..

Dawn

P.S. Have not asked him yet he canceled last night ... but was sorry he made me sad...even though all I said was ok...in a text...I told him "I am fine I understand..probably more than you know" ..which seemed to go over well

 

[RidingDutchman]

Dawn Pope

Do realize that being distant and having aspergers isn't always the same.
For me personally, those things you mention would be stuff I get really worked up about

If my gf wants a hug because it makes her happy, I want to know why that is, why she isn't happy, if it might be my fault, what I can do to make sure she doesn't feel sad the next time.

And don't think that because he might have aspergers, you can't talk to him about stuff like that.
If you ask me, if it troubles you so much that he doesn't want to give you answers etc. doesn't want to kiss you but does want to make love and all those other things. Look at yourself if it is a future you want yourself to have.
Just because he has aspergers doesn't mean he can't try to have good contact with you, from what I read here most of us (if I may use that sentence) seem to want to make a lot of effort, just don't really know how to.

Keep in mind that the most important thing in a relationship is that you yourself are happy, how selfish this might sound... If it doesn't seem like he wants to change and this bothers you a lot, look at what is best for you because a relationship won't work if it comes from just one side, it will start to feel like a job until an inevitable burnout


To keep it from being an entirely depressed post. If you do want to work for it, you're gonna have to pop it through his thick skull that this isn't the path to happiness. Just because he has aspergers doesn't mean he is some tender flower that will snap because you accidentally make eye contact with him. Treat him like a human being and not like a diagnosis. Yes it's great that you take effort in making sure to communicate in a way that is pleasant to him, but don't allow that to keep you from delivering the message.

I'm kinda turning this into a ramble, I hope you get the point I'm trying to make so if anything is unclear, don't feel afraid to ask and I hope I didn't offend you with anything.

Ps. If there is one thing I have seen in relationships from friends, is that a relationship based on trying to fix the others problems won't work. Have a relationship with him for your own happiness, don't be with him to make him happy (I don't know if this is the case but it kind of sounds like this to me, no offense, it's just an interpretation so please don't get mad)

 

[Dawn Pope]

Dawn Pope

Do realize that being distant and having aspergers isn't always the same.
For me personally, those things you mention would be stuff I get really worked up about

If my gf wants a hug because it makes her happy, I want to know why that is, why she isn't happy, if it might be my fault, what I can do to make sure she doesn't feel sad the next time.

And don't think that because he might have aspergers, you can't talk to him about stuff like that.
If you ask me, if it troubles you so much that he doesn't want to give you answers etc. doesn't want to kiss you but does want to make love and all those other things. Look at yourself if it is a future you want yourself to have.
Just because he has aspergers doesn't mean he can't try to have good contact with you, from what I read here most of us (if I may use that sentence) seem to want to make a lot of effort, just don't really know how to.

Keep in mind that the most important thing in a relationship is that you yourself are happy, how selfish this might sound... If it doesn't seem like he wants to change and this bothers you a lot, look at what is best for you because a relationship won't work if it comes from just one side, it will start to feel like a job until an inevitable burnout


To keep it from being an entirely depressed post. If you do want to work for it, you're gonna have to pop it through his thick skull that this isn't the path to happiness. Just because he has aspergers doesn't mean he is some tender flower that will snap because you accidentally make eye contact with him. Treat him like a human being and not like a diagnosis. Yes it's great that you take effort in making sure to communicate in a way that is pleasant to him, but don't allow that to keep you from delivering the message.

I'm kinda turning this into a ramble, I hope you get the point I'm trying to make so if anything is unclear, don't feel afraid to ask and I hope I didn't offend you with anything.

Ps. If there is one thing I have seen in relationships from friends, is that a relationship based on trying to fix the others problems won't work. Have a relationship with him for your own happiness, don't be with him to make him happy (I don't know if this is the case but it kind of sounds like this to me, no offense, it's just an interpretation so please don't get mad)

I read your response and realized that what I wrote sounded like our whole relationship...

Sorry for the confusion. That is not so.

The problem is these conversations have never taken place in any other relationship I have had. They are very new territory and I have had some good and some bad relationships but this is a whole new world to me.

My question was kinda rhetorical but not ...LOL... I know you nor any one else knows if he is happy. I guess my question is are Aspies in general happy.. The more I read on here the more it seems like they live there lives trying to conform to what society has declared normal at the expense of their own happiness.

Things like the phone - I know he uses it as a crutch, I see him do it with other people. When he doesn't have it or what ever we are talking about does not bother him he will look at me, though not for long, but I think thats even normal. So I ask him to put it down.. but if he's uncomfortable the request is ignored..

and the kissing thing well...He sometimes is ready to go make love the second I walk in the room, me I sometimes need a little start up...but not always..which is very confusing for him I think.

Oh yeah and the hug thing..every time I see him and every time I leave him but other than that I get the why or OK but I don't think he would ever look at me and think to just give me a random hug.

I think he has learned to do these things for appearance sake. I just wonder if all of it is a ruse and he really is not happy ... and he is just trying to fit perfectly into an imperfect world.

I think he's worth it but I worry if I can't handle it will it just hurt him worse down the road...

Thanks for your comments they do help I really appreciate it..cause I am lost here

 

[RidingDutchman]

I read your response and realized that what I wrote sounded like our whole relationship...

Sorry for the confusion. That is not so.

The problem is these conversations have never taken place in any other relationship I have had. They are very new territory and I have had some good and some bad relationships but this is a whole new world to me.

My question was kinda rhetorical but not ...LOL... I know you nor any one else knows if he is happy. I guess my question is are Aspies in general happy.. The more I read on here the more it seems like they live there lives trying to conform to what society has declared normal at the expense of their own happiness.

Things like the phone - I know he uses it as a crutch, I see him do it with other people. When he doesn't have it or what ever we are talking about does not bother him he will look at me, though not for long, but I think thats even normal. So I ask him to put it down.. but if he's uncomfortable the request is ignored..

and the kissing thing well...He sometimes is ready to go make love the second I walk in the room, me I sometimes need a little start up...but not always..which is very confusing for him I think.

Oh yeah and the hug thing..every time I see him and every time I leave him but other than that I get the why or OK but I don't think he would ever look at me and think to just give me a random hug.

I think he has learned to do these things for appearance sake. I just wonder if all of it is a ruse and he really is not happy ... and he is just trying to fit perfectly into an imperfect world.

I think he's worth it but I worry if I can't handle it will it just hurt him worse down the road...

Thanks for your comments they do help I really appreciate it..cause I am lost here

It is good to read that the relationship has good parts too so don't get lost on those, make sure to not forget the good bits.

I would say just talk to him, we aren't brittle or helpless, we can talk about difficult subjects, it just needs more words and less motions. Communication is key in any relationship and I believe in an aspie relationship even moreso, because we miss an entire form of communication and that has to be caught up some other way. Just talk, talk, talk.

OR! If his phone is such a safe haven for him. If he can express himself in text (I'm much MUCH better explaining myself in text as in speech because you have time to think and you don't have to look at a person) so maybe that could be a thing. It isn't something that NT people will recommend, but if talking about it over chat would make it easier to talk about things, that might be a thing to look into

 

[Dawn Pope]

It is good to read that the relationship has good parts too so don't get lost on those, make sure to not forget the good bits.

I would say just talk to him, we aren't brittle or helpless, we can talk about difficult subjects, it just needs more words and less motions. Communication is key in any relationship and I believe in an aspie relationship even moreso, because we miss an entire form of communication and that has to be caught up some other way. Just talk, talk, talk.

OR! If his phone is such a safe haven for him. If he can express himself in text (I'm much MUCH better explaining myself in text as in speech because you have time to think and you don't have to look at a person) so maybe that could be a thing. It isn't something that NT people will recommend, but if talking about it over chat would make it easier to talk about things, that might be a thing to look into

We text all the time but maybe your right what I would never put in a text and consider taboo to do so may be easier for him..thanks..I will start with something easy and see how it goes.

but what about the happy thing...I think I am happy most of the time (probably 95%) Just seems everyone on here is so down. This is more just a curiosity than thinking I can change anything.

 

[RidingDutchman]

We text all the time but maybe your right what I would never put in a text and consider taboo to do so may be easier for him..thanks..I will start with something easy and see how it goes.

but what about the happy thing...I think I am happy most of the time (probably 95%) Just seems everyone on here is so down. This is more just a curiosity than thinking I can change anything.

Well, a thing to remember is that it's easier to complain then it is to be happy and I believe many come here to seem help from people with the same issues, so many threads are about the troubles people have

Go to one of the positive threads that aren't about a certain problem and people seem a lot happier there. Everybody is different, there are clinically depressed NT's and incredibly happy aspies and anything in between.

Just because we are all aspies doesn't mean we are all alike. One aspie vs the other is the same as one NT vs the other, one kid vs the other, one elderly vs the other. Even though we share something obvious doesn't mean we are anything alike
Treat him and look at him like "him", not like "one of them"

 

[Tom]

On the whole he seems a very cool customer. Whether he has HFA or not, I think its a WYSIWYG situation. Even were he to improve his sensitivity and understanding that isn't going to create warmth in his emotions.

Read one way, he may just see you as a sexual partner, and has no long term intentions. Has he given you any evidence otherwise?

 

[piney13]

how best to keep things comfortable and not awkward. Any ideas?

by keeping the relationship friendly for a few years...

He said he has autism but doesn't know what kind? That doesn't even make sense.. I didn't even read your post beyond that because that raised a red flag to me already.

Exactly. IF you have AS and or Autism you have researched it , studied it, thought about it.... you would definitely know
If I was dating someone and they said that it would be impossible to remain in their company...it would be a feet don't fail me now moment...

 

[piney13]

This is an AS fact...

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="Dawn Pope, ....and he hates to be touched. Always wants a kiss and a hug but literally removes my hands from him. [/QUOTE]

Hi Dawn Pope , My ex-girlfriend was touch sensitive, you may need to read up on that....it is not a very helpful thing in relations, maybe even more difficult to deal with than autism or being aspie...there are worse things you can run into...but the touch sensitive thing isn't a bed of roses. Note she is now my ex, and I give far more leeway than most guys on things.

 

[eonbus]

Hi Everyone!

Tonight I had a first date with a man who disclosed to me on the date that he has Autism. I asked him if it was Asperger's syndrome and he said he didn't know. He is functional, drives and lives alone so Asperger's seemed like a likely fit. He misses social cues and social rules (like if you need to talk during a movie you use a hushed voice) but he isn't withdrawn or introverted. He talked a lot and fast, telling me that he also has ADHD.

I like him and want to go out with him again. I am trying to figure out how best to keep things comfortable and not awkward. Any ideas?

Just be patient. End of discussion.

 

[lily02]

I'm neurotypical, and I'm really attracted to my older brothers friend, who is autistic (My brother is NT, his friends is autistic). I've only talked to him once, briefly when he was helping me with my math homework, so I'm not sure how bad his autism is but I think he is high-functioning? (Sorry I don't know too much about autism)

But I was just wondering if anyone had tips on how to start up a conversation with him without making him feel uncomfortable, or how to make him attracted towards me?

Also is there anything I shouldn't say to him that he may find offensive?

 

[midlife aspie]

If you have a clue as to what he is interested in, start with that. Especially if it is something that interests you.