HELP! I'm really struggling with flatmate's boyfriend staying over !!!

[Roy pryer]

Hi,

I have autism and very bad social anxiety.

I live with my best friend in a 2 bedroom flat, we moved in a few months ago and things are going AWFULLY!! I have lived with other people before by the way, last year I successfully shared a 2 bed flat, but this is completely different.

The flatmate has a new boyfriend and he is staying over ALL THE TIME!!!!!

First of all, I feel really really uncomfortable in his presence, he is a stranger to me and he is a very loud, "laddy" type, into body building and is a bouncer at a club, he makes frequent mysogonistic comments, which makes me very uncomfortable.

He stays over 3-4 times a week, and they are both quite loud, always laughing their heads off which somehow makes me feel very anxious and uncomfortable. They are especially loud once they have gone to bed....if you see what I mean.

The WORST part is that my flatmate goes to work early in the morning and she leaves the boyfriend in the flat, so I am left alone with him. He used to leave at 1pm and I literally couldn't get out of my bedroom even to pee, so we had a discussion, I told her how anxious I felt and she agreed that he will leave by 11am. But I still feel very uncomfortable. When we had the discussion I told her that I would of liked it if she asked me if I would mind being alone with him in the flat, or at least told me that he was in the flat so I wouldn't be so on edge all the time, but she completely disagreed. She said that she spoke to a lot of people and they all agreed that she can do whatever she wants in her own flat without having to "ask permission" ://// she said that it doesn't affect me because I'm always sleeping in the mornings anyway (due to depression), but it really does.

She knows that I have aspergers, depression and anxiety, and in my opinion she is being very inconsiderate. But i don't know what it reasonable or socially acceptable to ask. Or how on earth to make the situation better.

PLEASE HELP, I am struggling so much with day to day life because of this. I just want to give up.

p.s. our tenancy finishes in 3 months (it was a 6 month let) so that is how long I have to stay for.

Does he contribute any money toward food..rent etc. I once lived in a bedsit with a shared kitchen & we all used to store our food in the same fridge as each other. It wasn't long before someone started stealing my food from said fridge "i knew who it was" so one day i put half a can of baked beans in there & urinated into the can (only slightly) the next day they were gone. Hope he enjoyed them. It didn't stop him but it was of great satisfaction to me.

 

[Hattie]

Hi everyone,

You are all so helpful and understanding (something I find very rare!!!), it is really helping me to read this comments.

Here is an update:
she told me that the boyfriend will be staying over Wednesday for date night and Thursday after band practise.
He would've/ would be staying: Sunday, Monday, Wednesday and Thursday.
It is Tuesday today and I am on the verge of a breakdown over it. So I asked if he could stay Wednesday OR Thursday, not both. I told her that it's all too much for me at the moment and that I think it will put me over the edge for him to stay that much.

She started crying and said that they will not be seeing each other for ages because she is going home to her family this weekend.
I offered the solution of staying at his on Wednesday and him staying here on Thursday.
She kept crying and she said that they have already planned out the date night on Wednesday at a pub nearby to our house, and so he has to stay over at ours afterwards, apparently it is some kind of tradition that can't be changed.
She said it's unfair for me to not let him stay on Thursday as well as it is the last chance they will have to see each other till Tuesday.

Anyway, Eventually she said that she WILL go to his on Wednesday, although she keeps making weird sarcastic comments about it, that are really confusing and upsetting me. Like....

"Don't worry if you hear some one come in around 9am on Thursday. It will just be me coming home extremely early from ****'s house. He has a photoshoot in the morning and because I *have* to stay at his on Wednesday night, I'll have to get up very early the next day, even though it's my only day off, and my one chance of a lie in, that I need very badly." - all in a very sarcastic tone.

These kind of comments make me feel really sh*t!!!

Life is feeling very stressfull at the moment. I feel very petty as all this anxiety can't be done to just these two people. The flatmate thinks I am feeling this way because I am jealous, and has expressed so. In so many words.

 

[Katleya]

I really feel for you, it's sad that you are stuck with such a selfish flatmate. That being said, congratulations on standing up for yourself and asking that the boyfriend stay one of 2 days, not both days.
I hope you don't take this badly, but your friend seems very immature and selfish, and reading about her repeatedly prompts me to think "With friends like these, you don't need enemies." Someone who causes you stress and anxiety, and who then tries to blame YOU for being selfish or jealous, rather than try to help when you are making reasonable requests is toxic, and you probably don't need that in your life --neither now or ever. I get that you 2 are part of a band, but it seems like your best bet is to follow through with the plan to move back to London and work on your career alone, because your friend seems much more interested in her boyfriend than the band, and she'll invest time in the former, not the latter, which isn't wrong if she's being honest about it, but I'm afraid you're looking at some major disappointment in that respect because she isn't as serious about the band as you are, especially if it's your special interest (not blaming her, though, it's hard for anyone's dedication to compare to what we can invest in a special interest). I also hate to sound pessimistic, but the fact that she's attacking your character already (re: feeling jealous) doesn't bode well for the future unity of the band, and I'm not sure it can still be fixed, because she might have made up her mind on you being a "bad" person, and nothing you can do could change that. Next, she'll probably play victim.

Also, those 3 weeks within a 3 month period, are they 3 weeks in a row or 3 weeks total? I'm torn on alerting the landlord, because it could backfire. Any chance she can stay at her boyfriend's much more often? It's her choice to spend time with him, and there's nothing wrong with that, but she should be the one making adjustments and sacrifices if she aspires to live more than half of her time with him, not you.

 

[Hattie]

Makes sense Judge. But her last post indicates she's not willing to do anything to upset her relationship with her flat mate so she might just have to live with her until the lease runs out. But it's too bad Hattie seems to be blaming herself for her flat mate's lack of consideration as it doesn't appear to be Hattie's doing.

Thank you. I am having a really hard time with blaming myself at the moment.
i always take people's opinions as the facts for some reason. So when she says I am being controlling and unreasonable and totally abnormal. I totally believe her.
I have lost all confidence

 

[LucyPurrs]

Thank you. I am having a really hard time with blaming myself at the moment.
i always take people's opinions as the facts for some reason. So when she says I am being controlling and unreasonable and totally abnormal. I totally believe her.
I have lost all confidence

You are not being controlling or unreasonable or abnormal. She is avoiding responsibility and disrespecting your boundaries. I agree she is a selfish and manipulative person who is becoming toxic for you at this point. Stand by your guns and don't let her control and intimidate you.
You could ask her if she wants you to move out so her boyfriend can move in and take over your share of the rent. Maybe that would wake her up.

 

[Judge]

Perhaps ultimately the best you can do is to prepare to move. Make plans...contingencies, etc.. After all moving in itself is often a real ordeal. At least you have time to orchestrate a "plan b" and above all find a way to permanently distance yourself from your toxic flatmate.

In the meantime though you must mitigate whatever hostilities exist in your own interest. Keep the peace to some degree to protect yourself and your belongings which are presently exposed to those who do not appear to be your friends at all.

So when you do finally escape these people, you won't have to look back.

 

[Rayner]

Like others have said, if I were in your shoes I would look for an alternative living set-up. I'm not looking at it from the position weather or not it okay that her boyfriend stays over, it's more from the position neither of them are willing to compromise to come up with something that works for all three of you.

 

[heartmindhappy]

Hattie, I may so frustrated you have to go through this. The same exact situations happened when i lived with my best friend. Up all night with anxiously thoughts, confined to my room, dissociating and daily panic attacks, etc does not make for a healthy living environment in this situation. I tried every option, spoke up for myself, and unfortunately nothing could change. I also couldn’t ask for my friend to not have her boyfriend over. I felt so stuck. And I imagine you do too. I ended up getting a studio (one bedroom) by myself and it’s is AMAZING!! I hope there is some loophole that allows you to separate from your lease early! I was able to move out from my lease as long as I found a replacement for my room/portion of the rent. BEST of luck you

 

[ksheehan88]

I would look for a place to yourself.

Living with the people you love can make you resent them

 

[garnetflower13]

Perhaps you can break the lease since your flatmate is violating the terms? If the landlord doesn't want to let you go without penalty, you can say that there are too many people living there and it is getting crowded? Of course only do this if you have found another place to stay. Why should your life be placed on hold while your flatmate has everything her way? It doesn't seem fair at all.

And she sound pretty darned toxic and selfish as well.

 

[Hattie]

Thank you so much.

You have all been very supportive, and the unanimous advice is that I should leave this horrible environment and toxic flatmate behind as soon as possible.

I have two months left of the tenancy. And then I am going home to live with my mum temporarily. I am very happy with those living circumstances. I just hope the two months hurry’s the f*** up!! I work in childcare so I hoping to be dismissed February 10th (when term finishes) if I give my notice.

I am putting off telling the flatmate. And I am going along with the band deceitfully!!! I feel so guilty it is eating me alive.

Ideally I would let the flatmate and the band know that I am leaving in 2 months. However I am very scared to do so. I cannot carry on being decietfull though as it is eating me alive. I was organising a first “launch” gig for the band in February. So if I am to be decietfull then I will have to keep organising it, and dragging more people into this horrible situation (I already have got promoters and support bands on board).
There is no point doing the gig now.

I would love to tell the band I am leaving and tell me flatmate I am leaving and then we will not have to do the gig. However it is extremely difficult as the flatmate used to be my best friend and we both moved here to do the band, so I feel like I am being very immoral in abandoning it all. And it is eating me alive.

The decision itself is not difficult though , as the flatmate has been making my life an absolute misrery. I have told her how unhappy I am with what she is doing but she is carrying on doing it anyway. She has morphed into a super villain from an old fairytale. She seems to feel no remorse, and is doing things to make my life unbearable. It is completely knocking my self confidence and I am a shell of who I used to be.
I need to go back home to recover from this. I wish I could go now.

Dear reader, I am hanging on by a thread.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Why can't you go now? Your loyalty to your flatmate seems misguided to me. What has she done to deserve your loyalty? And why do you think you'd be immoral? She's the one being immoral, not you. Don't let her do this to you!

Could you not tell your employer that you have an unbearable living situation and must leave it before you become ill?

 

[garnetflower13]

Why can't you go now? Your loyalty to your flatmate seems misguided to me. What has she done to deserve your loyalty? And why do you think you'd be immoral? She's the one being immoral, not you. Don't let her do this to you!

Could you not tell your employer that you have an unbearable living situation and must leave it before you become ill?

Just what I was going to suggest. You could say there is a family emergency (YOU) and that you must move back home immediately. Stick your cow of a roommate for the remaining months of rent and see how she likes that! After all, that place is no longer a healthy option for you anyway.

 

[Katleya]

Yeah, I'm usually more in favor of diplomacy and giving level-headed advice, but I have to agree with the 2 comments above. If your mother lives in an area that is close enough for you to finish your term, that would be the best option, right now. If she doesn't, of course, it's much more complicated.

I'm sorry that you are in a situation that has pushed you to make such decisions. Ending or losing a friendship can be very hard, and this is probably not what you expected when the 2 of you moved in together for the band. So I hope for a quick resolve. But please understand that you are doing the right thing, and that in this situation, you need to put your well-being and safety first. I wouldn't be too worried about giving explanations to your ex-best friend; she's the one who created this entire situation, and I don't mean to be mean, but if she doesn't like it, she should have thought about it before. You don't owe her anything. Her actions have broken the relationship, not yours, and it's only necessary for you to move on. Doing so is neither malice nor deceit on your part, although I see how that can make you feel like you're lying at the moment.

Maybe it's a blessing in disguise that this is happening at this stage in the band's life, rather than later on should it have had success. I think your roommate has just shown her true colors, and again, that's on her, not you.
I guess she can be expected to talk trash about you after you leave, but that shouldn't keep you in a situation that's unbearable. Don't bother thinking about the feelings of selfish people, that's giving them more importance than they deserve.

Hope your next update will be happier and wishing you strength until then!