HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!! I have a 12 year old with asd and I'm lost

[K80Co]

Hi,
I have 5 boys and my second eldest is 12 and has high functioning asd. He has gone from being normally lovely and trustworthy and respectful to a completely different kid. He has stolen alcohol and cigarettes, he reconnected with a friend from primary school who reackons he is an "eshay" so my darling boy decided he wanted to become one too so he even tried making bongs at home (we think we have dealt with that). His violent outbursts have increased and are happening more often. He had cognitive testing done and his English skills are that of an 18-30 year old, he is soooo smart and has always done school work above his grade but last years report card was the complete opposite. We are hoping it was just because he moved from primary school to high school, at school he is in the special education department simply because the routine is more regimented, smaller class size, less noise, and he will be able to build a bond and trust easier with the teachers and the teachers will almost always be familiar (that's the hope anyway). His father cant wrap his head around the asd and just says his behaviours are because he is nasty or attention seeking and our son will end up in jail before he turns 18 he just really does not get it or understand at all. They do not have the best relationship so a lot of the time I feel as though its just me its exhausting. Nothing has really changed so I just don't know what is going on with my beautiful boy. He sees a psychologist (but hasn't been able to see him for about a month due to the holidays and the pysch changing clinics) and he has a paediatrician. Anyway just thought I'd see if anyone has any ideas or advice

 

[HidinginPlainSight]

It seems you likely already know, that if he is ASD then it's extremely unlikely he is doing it for attention. There is also a very good chance that any outward showing at grief from his behavior isn't going to register strongly.

I suppose if he's 12, he would be stealing the alcohol from home. Perhaps don't have any in the house.

Sort of curious how they determine the level of an 18-30 year old in English. From my experience the abilities of 18-30 year olds vary quite widely; many displaying what I would call functional illiteracy.

 

[Pats]

I sympathize with you. I'm not sure where you are located and I don't really know if things have changed since I went through the same thing. I hope things are different, because when I was dealing with teens of my own, I couldn't get help. I couldn't get my daughter into a treatment place unless we tried counseling first and for counseling the child has to agree to it. Ridiculous. I also talked to a lady with juvenile justice about my son - they had a program where the first offense they would put the child in a detention center over night, the second offense, for a week. But she spoke to my son and afterward she told me she would not do anything because his attitude - that it would just be a joke to him and useless. My daughter ended up in the hospital twice - once in renal failure and once with liver problems, and the doctors told her she either had to quit or die. I tried everything and prayed a lot that they would survive. People would tell me my kids just changed and I would fight them and say, no they hadn't changed, it was the drugs doing this to them. Eventually they grew out of it and became very nice, responsible adults with families of their own. I do hope there are improved services to help out there today.

 

[Judge]

I can only surmise two considerations to think about. One has nothing to do with autism in particular, while the other might.

If the boy is deemed especially bright for his age through various formal types of testing, it's entirely conceivable that he's not intellectually challenged with his present level of schooling. A scenario that often invites delinquency. One not dependent on any particular neurological profile. Where it might be worthwhile investigating if your son can be placed into a school program that will challenge him, rather than the mainstream that may simply bore him. Something I know of firsthand as this could easily describe my older brother.

The other consideration is that twelve is socially a very difficult age for boys in general. "Sink or swim" in terms of making the right social connections to fit in. In my own case, at that age I found myself ostracized from virtually my whole class. I spent most of the year in angry isolation. And at times I did lash out about it. Luckily for me, at the time there was no prevalence of gang activity. Where as a social outcast I might have had the impression that it's one place in the world where I might fit in. But for the OP's child, it may be a very real alternative to any feelings of being socially isolated and ostracized from his peers.

For me, that age was pretty much the worst time of my life.

 

[Sarah S]

I belive that the main problem here is (and im talking from my own experince in being drawn as younger to the WRONG side of the law and also being very easy to convince to join the thuggs )

If im not wrong he might be in the NOT so popular club in school (ie hard to find reel friends) SO it might be that he in this new gang finds what he looks after a since of belonging and false feeling of being respected and part of the gang. And so its them that convince him to steel boose and smoke bongs and god knows what else they are or will get him in too .

SO in this case id say his father NEEDS to get his head up of his own EGO and understand his son NEEDS /SCREEMS for guidance & support from his father(and of course you ) or he will risk going under in the underground (the older kriminals dont give a darn about him its all an act to be able to get him to do this or that service for them as he is minor no punishment so they USE him. And in his world they really do care about him and they are his friends.

SO i would say its high time to contact all thats around youre son and let them know about this .

Again im NO expert but as i said i have been drawn to and sadly invoulved in the under world (only i was WAY older 18 + and it invoulved both gangsters ,Dopers ,drunks etc....) and before that when i was a kid i was fooled in too shop lifting by a certain " friend" and in general i was a easy target to maniplate and fool. (and NO i have never takend any drugs, Hurt anyone, i was just in that crowd so to say without actually perfoming said crimes apart from shop lifting and minor other things for a while )

I also agree with Judge here reg the trying to find a school that better suits his level of challenges. It may be that he is so bored as he needs more challenges in school

And reg the stealing of boose /cigaretts i agree stop bringing it home (and the cigaretts LOCK them up. Search his room Constantly (prefably without him knowing it ) and if you find something talk to him and make him understand that this is not acceptable.

 

[Autistamatic]

Experimenting with drugs and alcohol is most likely 1 of 2 things:

1. He is seeking an escape from anxiety which he and you may not recognise as such. All he knows is that these things ease his aching heart and make life easier. He might feel more sociable or be able to laugh more easily. It's self medication. Solution - try to ease his anxiety by other means.

2. His peers may not have much patience with him as a friend but those who are already into such things are themselves alienated and so are more accepting of him, so he is trying to be part of their culture.
That's not so easy to solve. If he is particularly motivated to have friendships then steering him in the direction of groups that share his existing interests might be a useful start.

Punishment will likely only worsen the situation and make him resent you, fighting back harder. He needs a friend to help him through. Puberty can be hard for any kid but for an autist it can be hell.

 

[Varzar]

Totally agree with Judge that it's one of those two scenarios.

I was extremely bored in high school. I also ended up hanging out with the "unpopular" crowd. In my case, that wasn't delinquents, it was ESL students.
If it's boredom, I'd suggest finding a better way to mentally challenge the kid, particularly in whatever his "special interest" areas are (at the time for me that was computer programming).

If it's an attempt to find a place to fit in socially... That's tougher and depends on where you live, but maybe something like a local 4-H club might be a helpful way for him to find a better crowd to fit in with? Or maybe he could get involved at a local board games store where they have people playing games like Magic, or other board games? Probably any fringe social group that isn't stealing alcohol and making bongs would be better about now...

 

[GrownupGirl]

I changed a lot after I turned 12 as well, but not in the same way. That was the year I started junior high or middle school or whatever you call it these days, and I went from an "eccentric" but usually happy and outgoing kid to a teenager who was described as being "confused, disoriented, withdrawn, and has poor peer relations". The transition from a child to a teenager was unusually hard on me. So was starting a different school that was very different from the elementary school I went to, where suddenly things about me that were liked and admired when I was a kid were now the subject of bullying and harassment. I was no longer allowed to be myself. I was getting conflicted messages from teachers. A few said I was intelligent and mature for someone my age while others said I was selfish and immature. My grades soon all went down the toilet. I knew I was different, and I would ask my mother why. But since Asperger's was practically unheard of until the end of the century, no one knew how to answer that.

 

[Sarah S]

Experimenting with drugs and alcohol is most likely 1 of 2 things:

1. He is seeking an escape from anxiety which he and you may not recognise as such. All he knows is that these things ease his aching heart and make life easier. He might feel more sociable or be able to laugh more easily. It's self medication. Solution - try to ease his anxiety by other means.

2. His peers may not have much patience with him as a friend but those who are already into such things are themselves alienated and so are more accepting of him, so he is trying to be part of their culture.
That's not so easy to solve. If he is particularly motivated to have friendships then steering him in the direction of groups that share his existing interests might be a useful start.

Punishment will likely only worsen the situation and make him resent you, fighting back harder. He needs a friend to help him through. Puberty can be hard for any kid but for an autist it can be hell.

​

In general i agree with you Autistamatic but the no punishment i have to disagree in that if you dont put a clear line that he sees that if i do this there will be consequences how would he be able to learn this for when he gets older ?

I understand that he may turn this against the parents and fight back and all the rest BUT lets not forget he is ONLY 12 if something isent being done now i can guarntee that he will continue further down this path,

I do however agree that he needs a friend that can help him stear past this BUT most defenetly also his dad to step up and take on the head lead as the male role modell here

 

[paloftoon]

I think cyber school is a great option for your child. They will be able to cater more to his academic needs, and you can find external social outlets for him to learn positive behavior rather than negative behavior. Maybe get him involved in a sport or some competitive hobby too could help. Some cyber schools offer social outings that you could take him to too.

There are ways to take a tour of a jail cell. I'm not sure how to go about that, but I would recommend taking him there and showing how his behavior can have him end up living if he doesn't straighten up now.

 

[Sarah S]

There are ways to take a tour of a jail cell. I'm not sure how to go about that, but I would recommend taking him there and showing how his behavior can have him end up living if he doesn't straighten up now.

Again lets not loose the simple fact that he is 12 so i wouldent advice a tour of the jail at this young age. those tours are for teenagers and those much further down the line of gangs etc... HOWEVER perhaps if there is some kind of EX kriminal organisation who are willing to have a meeting with the boy (and parents ) were they gently explain to him that this is NOT the way to go and it will only lead to bad things.

Its pretty obvius that the boy is desparatly seeking somewhere were he can belong and be accepted for who he is and sadly with this and other diagnosis of this kind we are very easy to manipulate and being drawn into this world .You dont need to be a genius to figure this out. What he needs is someone or some (incl his father and mother) to help him find his place in the society & accept who he is.

 

[Varzar]

In general i agree with you Autistamatic but the no punishment i have to disagree in that if you dont put a clear line that he sees that if i do this there will be consequences how would he be able to learn this for when he gets older ?

I understand that he may turn this against the parents and fight back and all the rest BUT lets not forget he is ONLY 12 if something isent being done now i can guarntee that he will continue further down this path,

I do however agree that he needs a friend that can help him stear past this BUT most defenetly also his dad to step up and take on the head lead as the male role modell here

I feel the need to re-emphasize the bold part..
Dad needs to wrap his head around this and get some understanding.. Perhaps he should be the one on these forums asking some questions and learning some things from all the great AS people around here (I skip the "D" in ASD, cause I don't agree it's a disorder). He needs to be unified with you and be the male role model for your son.

Also, I'd suggest trying to think of it less as he "has AS", and more like he "is Autistic". It's part of who he is, not some disease that he's got. This will be part of who he is for his whole life. Language is quite important in how people frame things, and framing it in a negative sounding way won't help him become more comfortable with who he is.

 

[paloftoon]

Again lets not loose the simple fact that he is 12 so i wouldent advice a tour of the jail at this young age. those tours are for teenagers and those much further down the line of gangs etc... HOWEVER perhaps if there is some kind of EX kriminal organisation who are willing to have a meeting with the boy (and parents ) were they gently explain to him that this is NOT the way to go and it will only lead to bad things.

Its pretty obvius that the boy is desparatly seeking somewhere were he can belong and be accepted for who he is and sadly with this and other diagnosis of this kind we are very easy to manipulate and being drawn into this world .You dont need to be a genius to figure this out. What he needs is someone or some (incl his father and mother) to help him find his place in the society & accept who he is.

Stealing and Especially Violent Outbursts might be really serious. There comes a point where age is more just a number, and it's better to nip these things in the bud rather than let it slowly progress to something worse. The fact that he is really smart could really mean that he would understand an experience that might be extreme for a typical 12 year old. However, we are not talking about a "typical" 12 year old. Once anything physical enters the equation, that's grounds for more extreme measures that aim to regulate behavior and morals positively to consider no matter what the age.

Also, as other people have said or implied, the autism doesn't cause the stealing or violent outbursts alone. It simply means he thinks very differently than others. What he chooses to do in his life are choices he is making as a 12 year old.

 

[paloftoon]

Here's a situation on a different forum which is kind of similar to this one here.
It is with an 11 year old, and the intelligence level might not be as comparatively high as the 12 year old described here. The 11 year old is also more aggressive, but it might help to read/skim this over and the responses.

Child (11 M) is enjoying his disciplinary school placement - Education -universities, high schools, elementary schools, teachers... - City-Data Forum

 

[Sarah S]

Stealing and Especially Violent Outbursts might be really serious. There comes a point where age is more just a number, and it's better to nip these things in the bud rather than let it slowly progress to something worse. The fact that he is really smart could really mean that he would understand an experience that might be extreme for a typical 12 year old. However, we are not talking about a "typical" 12 year old. Once anything physical enters the equation, that's grounds for more extreme measures that aim to regulate behavior and morals positively to consider no matter what the age.

Also, as other people have said or implied, the autism doesn't cause the stealing or violent outbursts alone. It simply means he thinks very differently than others. What he chooses to do in his life are choices he is making as a 12 year old.

In general i have to slightly agree with you on this as its indeed stated that he is WAY above the normal IQ score and i cant really coment about that one my self as im below

Im not in any way shape or form implaying bring in for a nice cup of Coco and some biscuits(ie the soft dont do anything approach ) What i say is that it may do more good if he actually get to talk and meet others that have been in the wrong side of the law rather then risking scaring him half to death

I agree 101 % with that statement to me it implies other possible (Co morbid ) diagnoses MAY be in the play here (incl ADHD as i regognice the tantrums in early age )

 

[Sarah S]

Here's a situation on a different forum which is kind of similar to this one here.
It is with an 11 year old, and the intelligence level might not be as comparatively high as the 12 year old described here. The 11 year old is also more aggressive, but it might help to read/skim this over and the responses.

Child (11 M) is enjoying his disciplinary school placement - Education -universities, high schools, elementary schools, teachers... - City-Data Forum

This one is a clear case of most possible MALE version of ADHD

 

[Kalinychta]

Your son obviously has a lot of anger and pain in him, and frankly I’m not surprised. His father says he’s nasty and attention-seeking and will end up in jail before the age of 18. They don’t have “the best” relationship, you said, and his father doesn’t get it or understand. Your child is angry for a reason, and one of those reasons is definitely his father. Kids who behave the way your son does (stealing, lying, lots of drug use) are struggling with depression and anxiety. In addition to being treated like a nasty, attention-seeking little waste of space by your husband, is he also being bullied at school?

Nothing has really changed so I just don't know what is going on with my beautiful boy.

Yeah, that’s the problem. Things need to change. Start with your husband. Tell him that he will never again say hateful things about or to your child. Tell him he will fully support his son from now on. He will show him only love, kindness, and understanding. These are not optional if you really want to help your son.

 

[Rasputin]

Hi,
I have 5 boys and my second eldest is 12 and has high functioning asd. He has gone from being normally lovely and trustworthy and respectful to a completely different kid. He has stolen alcohol and cigarettes, he reconnected with a friend from primary school who reackons he is an "eshay" so my darling boy decided he wanted to become one too so he even tried making bongs at home (we think we have dealt with that). His violent outbursts have increased and are happening more often. He had cognitive testing done and his English skills are that of an 18-30 year old, he is soooo smart and has always done school work above his grade but last years report card was the complete opposite. We are hoping it was just because he moved from primary school to high school, at school he is in the special education department simply because the routine is more regimented, smaller class size, less noise, and he will be able to build a bond and trust easier with the teachers and the teachers will almost always be familiar (that's the hope anyway). His father cant wrap his head around the asd and just says his behaviours are because he is nasty or attention seeking and our son will end up in jail before he turns 18 he just really does not get it or understand at all. They do not have the best relationship so a lot of the time I feel as though its just me its exhausting. Nothing has really changed so I just don't know what is going on with my beautiful boy. He sees a psychologist (but hasn't been able to see him for about a month due to the holidays and the pysch changing clinics) and he has a paediatrician. Anyway just thought I'd see if anyone has any ideas or advice

I also agree with Judge, and think that he needs to be in a program for gifted children. I was similar, and was placed in a class for "slow learner's". That just made me more angry, and I almost failed a grade. Later, I was tested and found to be at the level of a college graduate, but the schools at that time were I'll equiped for someone like me. When I got to high schools teachers permitted me to skip classes, so I skipped all classes and played basketball all day for like two years. Hopefully, education is better these days.

 

[Autistamatic]

I do however agree that he needs a friend that can help him stear past this BUT most defenetly also his dad to step up and take on the head lead as the male role modell here

"Male role models" who dole out harsh punishments on an autistic child have a good track record of destroying families and losing the respect & love of their child. Punishments don't explain anything and explanation and understanding is the only language most of us understand. A logical explanation of why behaviour has been counter productive is far more valuable than any punishment could ever be. We must know WHY we are doing wrong. Punishment without that understanding on a deep, logical, fundamental level just leads to resentment. It is aversion therapy by another name. We're teaching kids values, not training dogs not to foul the carpet
For many of us the knowledge that we have hurt the people we love is punishment enough - we don't even realise that is what we've done until we are told. I can speak from personal experience and that of a huge number of autistic people who have shared similar experiences. Typical punishment/reward doesn't work on us as a rule, even if it seems to. The resentment is brewing underneath, even if it doesn't show on the surface. This "role model" may seem to fix the problem in the short term, but the son (in this case) will likely resent him forever and like many of us have done, cut off contact at the earliest adult opportunity. People who love each-other support each other. They don't punish behaviour that they don't understand.

 

[K80Co]

hi everyone,
Thanks for all of your replies. We live in Queensland Australia so some things you suggested while quite a good idea just wont happen as we don't have these things here. He does have ADHD, Anxiety (he suffers severe separation anxiety when away from me) when he was 18 months old he got chicken pox and one left a scar on his eye, just before his third birthday the scar ruptured and after many months in hospital and numerous operations he lost the sight in his left eye and with all of these struggles he fights through and I am so proud of him and in awe he is simply so brave and strong. I myself am not really a drinker and we don't usually have a lot of alcohol in the house. Part of me is hoping some of his behaviours just stem from puberty (hahahaha) that way things will settle down eventually. His school are doing things to challenge him more when school returns at the end of the month. His behaviour does get worse when he is bored but boredom is part of life so I am trying my hardest to teach him this. When he goes into "melt-down" there is no way of getting through to him it is like his brain switches off it usually goes one of 2 ways he either flips his lid and stuff gets thrown and his father gets hit or he runs away typical fight or flight and I really don't know which is worse sometimes Having to restrain a mini hulk or not knowing where the mini flash has run to.