Help me understand

[paloftoon]

I have another thought. Don't seek for "why" as it does not matter for him unfortunately. Look at the present and the future. Seek for if he would consider platonic friendship. Remember, emotions don't make sense. Just create what happiness you can and move on. I mean, this situation doesn't sound like your fault at all.

 

[jamesaldrin]

I don't have any answers. But I am listening/observing.

 

[Diagnosed2015]

I can only speak for myself, but ex's are meant to be ex's.

That means, you don't remain friends unless (or if) you might have had close ties before the relationship began.

Also, you haven't mentioned whether it's you or your boyfriend who are Aspie (or both). Some Aspies are extremely logical and rational, some aren't. Most don't feel the same emotions as others, even if they are "called" the same thing.

My idea of a relationship is not someone else's all the time. Dating is simply a way to determine if two people are compatible enough to aim toward a permanent relationship.

If you and he aren't communicating, or he doesn't understand what you are upset about, he'll see no reason to to meet up with you so you can talk to him. If he's Aspie, in his mind, it's over.

I have changed my phone number before a broken relationship has left the driveway.

 

[Larisa]

I needed the answers for my peace of mind. Apparently I can't get that either.

I read carefully through your posts and other people's opinions - and first of all I want to support you that there is nothing wrong with you to cause the situation.

But I think you have mistakenly 'infused' yourself in this guy - like "you two became the one being".
I can tell that no matter how I like a person - that sort of attitude from them terrifies me and I push them away.
It's the idea of 'perfect telepathic love' - to stop feeling like separate individuals. And this idea is totally wrong for people who are acutely aware of their physical separateness in the real world.
You meant well - but in the same time you pleads the person to terminate themselves and to function only as your body limb.
People (like the separate minds in the separate bodies) can have any sort of relationships - but only for as long as BOTH are aware of being two individuals with separate physical feelings and their different views on the real world.
Nobody can blindly rely on the other and expect ANYTHING just because of the said word 'love'.
Everyone of the pair stays on their own feet and with their own head atop their own body - that's a recipe for healthy relationships according to any psychologist.

 

[Diagnosed2015]

I read carefully through your posts and other people's opinions - and first of all I want to support you that there is nothing wrong with you to cause the situation.

But I think you have mistakenly 'infused' yourself in this guy - like "you two became the one being".
I can tell that no matter how I like a person - that sort of attitude from them terrifies me and I push them away.
It's the idea of 'perfect telepathic love' - to stop feeling like separate individuals. And this idea totally wrong for people who acutely aware of their physical separateness in the real world.
You meant well - but in the same time you pleads a person to terminate themselves and to function only as your body limb.
People like the separate minds in the separate bodies can have any sort of relationship - but only for as long as BOTH are aware of being two individuals with separate physical feelings and their different views on the real world.
Nobody can blindly rely on the other and expect ANYTHING just because of the said word 'love'.
Everyone of the pair stays on their own feet and with their own head atop their own body - that's a recipe for healthy relationships according to any psychologist.

What a lovely response to the question, and I completely agree. Whether an interest is Aspie, ASD, or NT, the importance of remaining separate is vital. No one needs someone else to "complete" them, and they shouldn't have to give up "who they are," in order to make someone else feel better about themselves.

A perfect relationship is two separate people, two separate minds (and/or points of view) and the confidence to know their friendship/love is enough to accept the differences and get along anyway.

"Love" means different things to Aspie's .... which most NT's don't understand, since "love" doesn't always indicate a need for a relationship or physical experience. Sometimes, "love" is a state of mind.

 

[Verdandi]

But I haven't forced him into anything...on the contrary, I was the one constantly adapting to his needs. I gave him space, I never told him not to do something.
I was and still am very attached to him, that is true, but I'm doing my best to control it

 

[Larisa]

As I can see you try to be invisible and just everywhere like air for him.
You don't live your own life in the real world.
That's the impossible burden for the partner to carry in addition to other problems of the person's fitting into the real world and getting along with other people to basically survive (like collegues and bosses).
You want to be comforted by him but you totally miss the point that your partner is actually struggling to survive every day through his life.
No matter how hard you step on yourself to comfort him when alone with you - you can't lessen the demands of the real world that take all his concentration day by day.
No matter how much you put your efforts for him - you wear down yourself with expectation for future reward from him - and simultaneously you're putting him into the growing debt he would be never able to repay to you.
I cut the connection on that stage of relationships because I can not LIE that I'm capable of doing the same service for the partner EVER. I can't give anything back. I can give the other only as much as I have this particular moment - and most of times I'm to tired from my real world struggles that I can not give anything at all.
Really. I'm just being honest with you.
It's idea from the romantic movies that "a person can be changed by someone's else LOVE" - it never works in long-term relationships in the real life as I observe for more than 30 years.
It 'works' on short-term intervals: as long as a 'cold' person gets pampered by the hoping partner - they 'changed to better' - but as soon as flow of attention stopped: they got twice as bitter, angry and 'betrayed' as before the 'saving attempt'.
I don't want to play this social games - I don't want to lie to the partner about my capability to change. I CAN'T 'change' because I function in the way that allows me day by day to physically survive under overall demands of the real world: with the society's organization, with the bosses on working places, with the politics and the changes they put on living people.

From my part I can say it's possible to be in ralationships with someone who pays non-judging attention AND keeps on living their own life.
"To give space" does not mean "I will wait till you remember and call" - it means: "Fine that you're busy - cause I have my own hobbies and projects I'm interested in trying".

 

[Verdandi]

I get what you're saying but...I did not expect him to do a lot for me in the first place. I think the only thing I expected is for him to try to be more open and communicate more about his needs instead of just breaking off.
I do have my own things going on, he knew that very well and we respected each other's time alone. I understand he is wired differently and I have never tried to change him, that is silly. I guess I would just like to show him a different perspective, find a strategy that can allow us to connect without feeling pressured (more or less like a contract)
But yes, I did have some moments when I sounded needy, which I now very much regret because otherwise maybe he would not have backed off. I want to keep my emotions under control and deal with this situation better.

 

[Larisa]

Well I may by wrong in my opinion about you and your partner - I can only tell you about my breaking points and their reasons in MY relationships.

the only thing I expected is for him to try to be more open and communicate more about his needs

Look I'm telling you this very thing: you wanted him to be totally open with you - but WERE you really OPEN with him about YOUR needs?
Like to say: "It's really important for me (that you tell me everything important and delicate about yourself) because ..."? Can you calmly and openly explain: WHY do you feel such a need?
Because if you don't feel like you should be just as open and explaining about yourself as you want from him - then you don't treat him as equal human being but as a pet which should be constantly monitored by the owner who knows better.
I mean: to establish a contract between the equals, each part has a right of speaking or refusing. That's clear for everyone starting from very early age - and ASKING the other to speak only indicates that this asking person is not capable of waiting and attentive LISTENING to the possible partner when he/she will be ready to make a statement.
'Asking' anything at all - is 'pushing'
Non-pressing on the partner is only stating your own emotions, your thoughts and everything that concerns your own life and feelings.

There is a great difference - to earn someone's trust by real actions with the time or to demand that trust just by default.
Most people take offense if I don't give my complete trust to them by default - but I see they don't trust me as well.
I don't want other people to trust me without long time of knowing me - because I know that trust is the GREAT responsibility and the risk to utterly ruin the person with simple words.
Can you surrender to him just the same level of possible power (as you ask of him) to crash you inside by discussing in open and considering your deepest thoughts and needs?

 

[orphan]

Probably not what you want to hear... but when I walk away I burn the directions on how to get back.

My deal breakers are non-negotiable. Once tripped... not reset.

 

[grey wolf]

I tried talking to my ex so as to get some insight into his thoughts, but to no avail.
I told him I would like to understand how he could go from all that seemingly deep affection to treating me like dirt and making me feel like a stranger; I tried inquiring about what made him uncomfortable; I tried asking him about his needs. Calmly, in writing. The reply I got? "You don't need to understand anything".
How am I supposed to deal with this? Every attempt I make to communicate is pointless.

It hard, Aspies have a disproportionately larger Amygdala (part of the brain responsible for raw emotion) at a young age we(myself but using the royal we)are 'emotionally over reacting' to events and commonly lectured on how our feelings are wrong and disrupting others and shamed into controlling our emotional response.

One analogy is a pot of water simmering on the stove, for nuro typical as the temperature rises it starts gently shimmering and steam coming off. Other NT entering the kitchen can read the signs and lower the temperature.

For young Aspies, the source pan base level would be vigorously boiling, spluttering and spilling over. This distresses NTs and the child is scolded for in appropriate emotions or upsetting others.

To cope the Aspie changes from an open saucepan to a pressure cooker, now the NT can enter the kitchen, and feel relaxed that there is no steam coming of the silent pressure cooker.

I can't talk about your ex, only from my own experience, he may have not be aware of the pressure building up until just before the meltdown sets in. Or he may have a great deal of internal turmoil that he is hiding from you because no NT has ever understood.

Now that it is over, he may be running away from emotions and trying to shut them down, as for him they are far too painful to cope with.

You may find: Anatomy of a Meltdown informative.

You may also find comments left by other Aspies as to what physical pain they inflict upon themselves to try and block out the intense emotional pain that is an implosion.

If the breakup is a trigger for his meltdowns, he may be avoiding discussing it out of fear of a full blown implosion.