HELP! NT needs to learn Aspie Language!

[LoveDream]

Hi, I am a NT Female in love with an Aspie Male (referred to as Mr. LoveDream). We've been together for 8 years.

I need help understanding and relating to him. I need to speak his language.

I say this because he cannot speak my language. He has tried his whole life living in the NT world and it has left him baffled, confused, hurt, frustrated and in pain.

As an extremely empathetic person, I can feel his pain and it makes me so sad. I don't want to further inflict more pain and grief. But, inevitable, I do, because I fail to understand.

Note: I may seem strange or dense to anyone who isn't an NT and it may seem really ridiculous that I naturally don't think logically. But, please understand I am trying to learn. Thank you, in advance.


I need help understanding:

1. Mr. LoveDream talks with facts, proven methods, research and evidence.
●Why this is difficult? As an NT, I talk to connect to a person so, talking to only exchange specifc information, feels very disconnected.
---I understand that to Mr. LoveDream this is his way of connecting. How can I incorporate more of this when we are communicating?

2. Mr. LoveDream is content majority of the time by himself. He often requests to be in the same room with me but doesn't actually interact with me, instead he does his own activity.
●Why is this difficult? As an NT, why invite me just to ignore me?
---I fail at understanding this? Help me, please. What does this mean? Would he like me to do this behavior? Is this a good behavior to reciprocate?

3. Mr. LoveDream prefers realistic over romanticism. He will provide and meet all basic needs, food, shelter etc...but finds flowers/gifts/romance a waste of money and unnecessary.
●Why is this difficult? As an NT, it's the thought behind the flowers, chocolate or gift that makes it so special. The fact that someone took the time to remember your favorite items and surprise you, is what's important.
---I would like to know how to show him, in his language, that I pay attention to what he likes, that I think if him and I want to do little things to bring happiness. Help me, please!

Lastly, please share any techniques that would help me understand his beautiful yet extremely foreign world. I want to share his world and be someone who sees, understands, accepts and encourages him, as he is. ♡♡

 

[Myway]

Hate to break it to you, but you will never fully be part of his world. You are not an Aspie, so it will be hard to lean his language. It is doable though. We have a separate culture than you. In our culture, it is the "weird" things we say, do, and think that make us who we are. Everyone in our culture is different, just like in your culture, but we are bound by common interests and a language that helps us understand each other, but yet makes it hard for the outside world to understand us. You may never fully understand, but I would recommend that you learn as much as you can about his interests, learn the language of those interests, and think logically about those interests. I know it may be hard for you to think "logically" about something, but try your best. We are logical thinkers and we do take things very literally. Our language has no hidden agenda, so try to make yours match that. Good news is that if you learn from us here and practice what we tell you, then your relationship will get better and you will find yourself understanding him more and more with each passing day. Good luck. If you have questions to ask me, please feel free to PM me. I will be happy to help. I am an Aspie and I help NTs everyday learn about Aspies and their culture and language. Hope this helped even a little bit.

 

[LoveDream]

Hate to break it to you, but you will never fully be part of his world. You are not an Aspie, so it will be hard to lean his language. It is doable though. We have a separate culture than you. In our culture, it is the "weird" things we say, do, and think that make us who we are. Everyone in our culture is different, just like in your culture, but we are bound by common interests and a language that helps us understand each other, but yet makes it hard for the outside world to understand us. You may never fully understand, but I would recommend that you learn as much as you can about his interests, learn the language of those interests, and think logically about those interests. I know it may be hard for you to think "logically" about something, but try your best. We are logical thinkers and we do take things very literally. Our language has no hidden agenda, so try to make yours match that. Good news is that if you learn from us here and practice what we tell you, then your relationship will get better and you will find yourself understanding him more and more with each passing day. Good luck. If you have questions to ask me, please feel free to PM me. I will be happy to help. I am an Aspie and I help NTs everyday learn about Aspies and their culture and language. Hope this helped even a little bit.

Thank you for the reply! I understand that I can't fully be in his world and that's okay. I accept and embrace our differences. I just want to learn the "rules/guidelines" so that I can not only understand but also learn how to reciprocate in a meaningful way toward him.

I took your advice and I asked him to show and tell me about his city on Sim City Builder app, which is one of his interests that he devotes alot of time to. He was very animated and seemed happy sharing all the details, calculations, methods and reasoning behind his designs. I enjoyed being included on his activity.

You are right about being more straight forward. When I asked him to show me his city, he did. I found that my need of connecting was met and I was emotionally fulfilled but at the same time, I understood and respected that his method. He shared his interest with me and I genuinely cared and listened to him and this met his need. WOW, this was so effective.

Before, it would have all been lost in translation...Thank you for the advice and kind offer to help me. ♡♡♡♡

P.S. The 'logic' thing will be the most difficult for me. Let me state, we both graduated from the same college (albeit different majors: He-Engineer Me-Humanites/Pyschology). I am a very intelligent woman and am respected in my field. I just think with my heart and my emotions guide me. I do think I could benefit to be more logically and evolve as a more rounded person.

 

[Myway]

Glad it helped. Keep going. It will mean the world to him if you remain interested in his interests. Continue asking him questions and you will get more positive responses.

 

[LoveDream]

Thank you! What I have learned is that his ability to share in-depth knowledge on specific interests is the same as my ability to socialize. We have the same goal: Connection

Thank you for making this very clear and easy for me to do. ♡◇♡◇♡◇♡

 

[Myway]

No problem. Let me know if I can help with anything else.

 

[Beverly]

1. Mr. LoveDream talks with facts, proven methods, research and evidence.
●Why this is difficult? As an NT, I talk to connect to a person so, talking to only exchange specifc information, feels very disconnected.

If there is no information being exchanged, we do not see a reason to be having a conversation, it's idle, pointless, annoying, useless and, a waste of air to us. Yes I know as an NT, it helps you connect but, for us, all it does is give us a bunch of basically meaningless data to process.

Instead of idle chatter, discus your interests and what you know about them. If that's cooking, discuss why most cinnamon sold in supermarkets is not real cinnamon or for what dish you might need to temper eggs for or something useful. Then he would be learning about what you enjoy and, to us that reads like learning about your obsession. Then you learn about his obsession, Like it or not, you might find yo do like it or find it fascinating if you learn more about it.

Not all of us are as logical as the next but, I think your partner is one similar to myself. it makes no logical sense to talk unless there is information to exchange. That can be personal facts about yourself, facts that affect the running of the home, facts about why the car needs repair or service, facts about what is for the next meal etc... but facts, information, something to warrant the use of the time, energy and most of all, processing required of us to engage in a conversation.

Conversation is not natural to us, we connect much better sharing in DOING whatever our obsession or favorite pastime is in silence, or with only spoken instructions and relevant questions than with idle banter. Banter is a waste of energy, mental resources, energy and air as far as I'm concerned.

2. Mr. LoveDream is content majority of the time by himself. He often requests to be in the same room with me but doesn't actually interact with me, instead he does his own activity.
●Why is this difficult? As an NT, why invite me just to ignore me?
---I fail at understanding this? Help me, please. What does this mean? Would he like me to do this behavior? Is this a good behavior to reciprocate?

If it not an activity you can, or he wishes you to share in with him, then yes doing your thing in the same room, or even the same house is a good thing to do. As odd as it probably sounds to you, we actually connect that way, both of us silently enjoying our passion in the same space is cool, it's comforting and comfortable so, yes do that, you might even catch him smiling when you do you thing in your shared space.

3. Mr. LoveDream prefers realistic over romanticism. He will provide and meet all basic needs, food, shelter etc...but finds flowers/gifts/romance a waste of money and unnecessary.
●Why is this difficult? As an NT, it's the thought behind the flowers, chocolate or gift that makes it so special. The fact that someone took the time to remember your favorite items and surprise you, is what's important.
---I would like to know how to show him, in his language, that I pay attention to what he likes, that I think if him and I want to do little things to bring happiness. Help me, please!

That's easy, dot he shared space thing above and, get him new sources of information or materials needed for his special interest or obsession. Support him doing his Aspie thing but, do explain to him that you would feel the same way, happy and grateful, and know he cared if he brought home a teddy bear with a rose and a small box of your favorite candy. For us, romantic gift = a gift related to and useful in pursuing our passion. For you it means hearts, chocolate, wine, roses, something cliché out of an old romance novel or movie. We just aren't so conventional in out ideas of what is romantic is all because those things really don't have a practical use, well except chocolate and wine, both contains antioxidants and chocolate actually can help lift depression tiny bit so a little bit isn't a bad thing and, might be a useful thing to have.

Lastly, please share any techniques that would help me understand his beautiful yet extremely foreign world. I want to share his world and be someone who sees, understands, accepts and encourages him, as he is. ♡♡

Don't try to hint to him about what you want him to do. For example "The trash can is almost full." does not tell us that you would like us to take out the trash, it simply tells us that the can is nearly full, nothing more and, we let it go at that. "Could you take the trash out next time you go outside because the can is almost full?" tells us exactly what would please you and why it would make you happy with us- we like that.

Remember that when you ask us what we want for dinner and we answer "I don't care, whatever you want is fine." we mean exactly that, we will eat and be content with anything you want to eat for dinner. When we tell you a certain piece of clothing is not your color, makes your butt look big or whatever, we aren't trying to hurt your feelings or upset you, we are trying to help you look better and, we are honest enough to tell you something looks bad because we care about you and, you do want to look your best, right? So we will tell you and it might sound blunt and hurtful but we don't meant it that way, we're just showing that we love you and are willing to help you be your best. Okay we're a bit blunt about it but, you have to admit, we're usually right.

Learn about his interests, his sensory issues, ask him questions, gather information about how ASD affect him because each of us is different so, you need to learn what his struggles are and, what you can do in the home to help make home his safe sanctuary where he can be 100% himself without fear of upsetting you.

Also know that what looks like a temper tantrum or rage fit with us probably isn't, it's a meltdown due to sensory and input overload, we have collected more data than or brain can process and, have has a lot of anxious, anxiety created energy added to it all. Unfortunately that often comes out as a temper fit, just our mind's way of releasing all of that negative energy. Be understanding and just stay clear when that happens, we will get through it and when it's over, dim lights, our favorite warm beverage and a thick quilt will probably be just the thing for us. Just ask him what he likes and finds comforting after a meltdown, probably something simple like that.

 

[LoveDream]

If there is no information being exchanged, we do not see a reason to be having a conversation, it's idle, pointless, annoying, useless and, a waste of air to us.

This explains so much of the confusion. Here I am chit-chatting away and he's annoyed. My conclusion was he was being rude. I see now, his intentions weren't to be rude. Fact is, my chit-chatting isn't productive.

Instead of idle chatter, discus your interests and what you know about them. Then he would be learning about what you enjoy and, to us that reads like learning about your obsession.

I appreciate the fact that you explained the issue but you also gave me an alternative solution and lots of examples. This is extremely helpful and makes it easier to implement.

If it not an activity you can, or he wishes you to share in with him, then yes doing your thing in the same room, or even the same house is a good thing to do. As odd as it probably sounds to you, we actually connect that way, both of us silently enjoying our passion in the same space is cool, it's comforting and comfortable so, yes do that, you might even catch him smiling when you do you thing in your shared space.

Yes, it's very odd to me but I feel better knowing that this makes him happy and gives him comfort. I can do this easily and happily.

That's easy, dot he shared space thing above and, get him new sources of information or materials needed for his special interest or obsession. Support him doing his Aspie thing but, do explain to him that you would feel the same way, happy and grateful, and know he cared if he brought home a teddy bear with a rose and a small box of your favorite candy. For us, romantic gift = a gift related to and useful in pursuing our passion.

Perfect! I really appreciate this advice because I really struggled on how to effectively show him I care about him and his passion. It never occurred to get more information or materials for his interests.
I did attempt to learn how to play some his video games and although I was horrible, he really liked teaching me. I will ask him more about his interests and be more adventurous in participating in them.

He's very good at buying wine because it makes me happy and he enjoys a glass with me. I honestly just like the 'little things' that shows he cares. He's working on this and you're right, it goes a long way when I'm specific. It seems that the 'little things' statement confuses him and I need to be more specific, like soup when I'm sick or ginger tea when it's cold outside. Thank you, I can do this too.

Remember that when you ask us what we want for dinner and we answer "I don't care, whatever you want is fine." we mean exactly that, we will eat and be content with anything you want to eat for dinner

Are you a fly on our wall? This is one of the situations where I always am left confused and my feelings hurt. I assumed that he didn't care and that made feel like a bad cook and bad girlfriend.

You are saying, it means exactly what he said, he doesn't care, he will eat food. And that there is no personal feelings attached to the statement. Wow, game changer!

Learn about his interests, his sensory issues, ask him questions, gather information about how ASD affect him because each of us is different so, you need to learn what his struggles are and, what you can do in the home to help make home his safe sanctuary where he can be 100% himself without fear of upsetting you.

Also know that what looks like a temper tantrum or rage fit with us probably isn't, it's a meltdown due to sensory and input overload, we have collected more data than or brain can process and, have has a lot of anxious, anxiety created energy added to it all. Unfortunately that often comes out as a temper fit, just our mind's way of releasing all of that negative energy. Be understanding and just stay clear when that happens, we will get through it and when it's over, dim lights, our favorite warm beverage and a thick quilt will probably be just the thing for us. Just ask him what he likes and finds comforting after a meltdown, probably something simple like that.

I am working on creating a safe haven for him and it starts with understanding. As for the meltdowns, yes those can be very difficult but he has told me to leave him alone. He often goes off and does his interests in solitude for long periods of time. I used to be very upset, like how could he just leave me crying and alone? But, I had to ask him specifically to explain to me why he leaves and he did. He said it was a sensory overload and he needed to reset. I understood once he explained and we agreed that he'd tell me he needs alone time but he will be back, which gives me reassurance and comfort. I haven't tried making him his favorite tea or anything afterwards but I will. I think he would like that.

Thank you for providing very helpful and easy to understand explanations, tips, strategies and techniques. I really appreciate the time and effort you took, in order to help me. Thank you again. ♡♡◇◇♡♡◇◇♡♡◇◇♡♡◇◇♡♡

 

[zurb]

Beverly has done a good job answering your questions. I'd double like it if I could.
I'd also recommend reading two books. First is Tony Attwood's 'Complete guide to Aspergers'. Its the best book about Aspergers from an NT view that there is - fairly long though.
The other book is 'The five love languages' by Gary Chapman. You might want to read and discuss this one together.

 

[LoveDream]

Beverly has done a good job answering your questions. I'd double like it if I could.
I'd also recommend reading two books. First is Tony Attwood's 'Complete guide to Aspergers'. Its the best book about Aspergers from an NT view that there is - fairly long though.
The other book is 'The five love languages' by Gary Chapman. You might want to read and discuss this one together.

I agree, Beverly provided excellent information. Thank you for the book suggestions. We actually did The 5 Love Languages Quiz Friday and it was really helpful. We have 2 different love languages but now that we know each others, we are working on using it. I will definitely be downloading Tony Attwood's book.

Thank you for your support. ♡●♡●♡●♡●♡

 

[Beverly]

My career demands that I work and live with NTs 11 months out of the year. (musician in a band) I already had my career well established before I figured out that I was on the spectrum so, that is still not public knowledge. Because of that, I have had to learn to not only work well and communicate well with NTs but, to explain ASD and my particulars to them and, appear NT in public social settings.

That will make every communication difference very clear to you, and lead to understand how we differ in our communication styles, reasons for talking and, in how we connect verbally. Yes a lot of Aspies can learn to chit chat, engage in idle banter and, we can do it well but, for us it's just a learned script, an act. We can act the part but it means nothing to us, it's just an acting job we don't get paid for doing.

Your partner can learn to do some of that for you and, the reward would be your happiness or, you feeling better. It will always me meaningless in a direct sense to him but, if he knows and sees how it affects you, he can learn to do a bit of it, when he's got the reserves to put on the act, for you.

Being in an Aspie/NT relationship requires a lot of understand and, compromises from both of you, more so that if you were both NT or both Aspies but, it isn't impossible. You seem to have a good foundation and, I can see that you do love him, that's enough to give you both the strength to work the rest out.

 

[karen70]

Beverly has done a good job answering your questions. I'd double like it if I could.
I'd also recommend reading two books. First is Tony Attwood's 'Complete guide to Aspergers'. Its the best book about Aspergers from an NT view that there is - fairly long though.
The other book is 'The five love languages' by Gary Chapman. You might want to read and discuss this one together.

I'd just like to add if I can, given that you have studied psychology etc, use the books from the index (list at the back of book). With all study, too much information about this, that and the other will likely go over the head.

I have many books for study.

Usually have around 5 or 6 on the go at a time, I just cross reference between the topics of interest ie

1 melt down
2 social cues

etc xx

 

[LoveDream]

My career demands that I work and live with NTs 11 months out of the year. (musician in a band) I already had my career well established before I figured out that I was on the spectrum so, that is still not public knowledge. Because of that, I have had to learn to not only work well and communicate well with NTs but, to explain ASD and my particulars to them and, appear NT in public social settings.

That will make every communication difference very clear to you, and lead to understand how we differ in our communication styles, reasons for talking and, in how we connect verbally. Yes a lot of Aspies can learn to chit chat, engage in idle banter and, we can do it well but, for us it's just a learned script, an act. We can act the part but it means nothing to us, it's just an acting job we don't get paid for doing.

Your partner can learn to do some of that for you and, the reward would be your happiness or, you feeling better. It will always me meaningless in a direct sense to him but, if he knows and sees how it affects you, he can learn to do a bit of it, when he's got the reserves to put on the act, for you.

Being in an Aspie/NT relationship requires a lot of understand and, compromises from both of you, more so that if you were both NT or both Aspies but, it isn't impossible. You seem to have a good foundation and, I can see that you do love him, that's enough to give you both the strength to work the rest out.

I appreciate you sharing some of your background. I am envious of your musical talents. I love people that have the gift of 'creating'.

I agree that he can and will do things that make me happy but I don't want him to have to 'act' with me. I want to create an environment where he can naturally be himself.

I feel as if he spends majority of his day existing in the NT world and I can see that this can be extremely draining and exhausting. Therefore, I want him to always have a place and person who he can 'take off the mask' and just be. I love his 'quirks' and I make a point to tell him that.

It can be extremely frustrating when we don't understand each other, but we are working on it. At the end of the day, we do love each other. Thank you for your support. ☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡☆♡

 

[LoveDream]

I'd just like to add if I can, given that you have studied psychology etc, use the books from the index (list at the back of book). With all study, too much information about this, that and the other will likely go over the head.

I have many books for study.

Usually have around 5 or 6 on the go at a time, I just cross reference between the topics of interest ie

1 melt down
2 social cues

etc xx

Thank you for the tips. It can be very overwhelming to try to absorb a lot of information. I will definitely use the index to study specific topics! This will be very helpful and will provide relevant info that I need. Thank you for your help. 《♡♡♡♡♡》

 

[Judge]

Just to add, it's worth pointing out that there is no universal Aspie "language". That you have to take us one by one. Or as some of us say here, "If you've met one Aspie, you've met one Aspie".

That while we may share many traits and behaviors, we also may not.

And what can compound it all individually is whatever comorbidity may be involved. The simultaneous presence of two or more chronic conditions in the same person. Being on the spectrum has its moments, but for myself on a daily basis it's not as significant as say having OCD and clinical depression.

 

[LoveDream]

Thank you Judge for your statement and for providing me with a different view.

I apologize for making it seem as as if I didn't value that each Aspie is unique as an individual as well as in diagnosis.

My purpose was to ask for advice and learn from others, who could relate to my experiences. I am clueless in my Aspie's world and often find myself, misunderstanding or miscommunicating and this causes a lot of unnecessary pain. I just wanted to improve my understanding and communicating skills within my relationship. I was hoping to learn some general guidelines/norms/expectations that as an NT, I would never know.

Thank you again. ♡ ~♡~♡

 

[Judge]

Thank you Judge for your statement and for providing me with a different view.

I apologize for making it seem as as if I didn't value that each Aspie is unique as an individual as well as in diagnosis.

Nothing to apologize for. Autism in its various forms isn't an easy thing to understand regardless of one's neurology or perspective.

 

[LoveDream]

Nothing to apologize for. Autism in its various forms isn't an easy thing to understand regardless of one's neurology or perspective.

Thank you for understanding ♡¡♡¡♡

 

[Judge]

Thank you for understanding ♡¡♡¡♡

I went through most of my adult life not even understanding what autism was in the most fundamental sense. It truly is complex and on so many levels. A lot for anyone to take in for whatever motivates you.

 

[Beverly]

Exactly Judge I doubt many Aspies have my socialite skills, it isn't easy for us to learn to be socialites and, even if we do manage to get it, it's a draining, exhausting act to do it for even two hours straight. I'm also fortunate not to have major anxiety issues or any phobias that affect social settings, not all of us are so lucky and, you've got to account for those as well as ASD and, the ways it can complicate dealing with comorbids.

Like my bandmate, DJ, he is an Aspie as well and, he's got pretty bad agoraphobia. He's been on my crew for years but, I lost one of my band members and, he has the talent so, this will be his first year on stage, facing the crowds and, interacting directly with fans. That means we have to work together to find solutions to his agoraphobia that will allow him to be in huge crowds and not have panic attacks. So far he's okay with the crowd in a bar as long as he's on the stage and not front and center but, ask him to do a solo rip with vocals and, he will do it, and finish the show but, it results in an immediate meltdown the moment we are off stage. That's too much so, need to find ways he can keep his focus off the crowd better and, he needs to practice doing it until it's second nature for him to be able to deal with crowds while purposefully not focusing on them.

We each have different challenges and, different thing make sense and work for us to help us overcome those challenges. For me, it's memorization and study. I have a partially photographic memory so, I can use that to memorize non verbal social cues, the meaning of body language, how a specific body language gesture is supposed to look, thus I can read them and, use them myself but, it doesn't come naturally, it's an exercise I have to think about doing. That means doing it, socializing well, is a job, a chore, a task and not enjoyable for the most part, though after so many years doing it, it is easier and I do host parties and such because I like doing it. Not so much for the socializing but, cooking is another of my obsessions and, I love showing off my culinary skills and, seeing people smile when they are enjoying my cooking so, it makes hosting events worth it to me. That and, someone always asks me to play a few songs for the group so, I get to engage in that passion a bit too. I'll tolerate the socializing for the positive feedback on my passions that come with being social.

Not al of us have socially useful obsession so, that doesn't work for everyone, just for me and, others like me that do have socially useful obsessions and no agoraphobia or issues being in groups of people.