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HELP! NT needs to learn Aspie Language!
- Thread starter LoveDream
- Start date
Loomis
Well-Known Member
I agree with Beverly that your partner can learn to do things you find endearing but he finds difficult. I was married to an NT for over 20 years and I would often listen to her tell me about things on her mind, sometimes for hours. It was difficult but I did it because I loved her. I also bought flowers and presents even though it was not meaningful to me. We did engage in long mutually satisfactory conversations about our thoughts, our personalities, our motivations and how we reacted to each other's behavior. For example, we would take personality tests like enneagrams and discuss the results. These were analytical conversations for me. Aspies like logic, reasoning, facts and empirical data. If you talk about stuff on this level rather than about feelings and emotions you are more likely to connect.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience. Yes, he will do those things but like you stated, they aren't meaningful for him.
Thank you for providing ways, that I can utilize in order to reciprocate his efforts.
While discussing facts and analyzing data doesn't 'rev my engine', I have no problem inserting more of this into my conversations. Especially, knowing that this will make him happy.
I am very attuned to people's emotions and often feel them as intensely as they do. So, I can feel when he's insanely bored or frustrated or stifled, even when he doesn't outwardly express them. Your information is very helpful because I didn't know what I could do to help. Overall, we have the same goal: To make each other happy.
Thank you for your support. ♡^♡^♡
Thank you for providing ways, that I can utilize in order to reciprocate his efforts.
While discussing facts and analyzing data doesn't 'rev my engine', I have no problem inserting more of this into my conversations. Especially, knowing that this will make him happy.
I am very attuned to people's emotions and often feel them as intensely as they do. So, I can feel when he's insanely bored or frustrated or stifled, even when he doesn't outwardly express them. Your information is very helpful because I didn't know what I could do to help. Overall, we have the same goal: To make each other happy.
Thank you for your support. ♡^♡^♡
What are you interested in? Classical style romance like chocolates, hearts and roses? You know there are facts and histories about those and why modern society sees them as romantic. Chocolate to make you feel romantic and, how that works is fascinating. There was a Food Fact or Fiction show that was televised recently about that. Now he may find that side of romantic chocolate interesting, the facts behind a seemingly silly gesture and gift. It isn't so silly to me now that I know how and why it actually does work.
Maelstrom
Magical Pattern Auspie
1. Information and learning tends to be our emotional currency....learning is the one thing we can do well in life....asking questions about things and discussing why things are, what they are, will buy you tons of points. If you don't like this pastime, get a new boyfriend.
2. We all have our own inner worlds we tend to disapear into, they tend to be more pleasant than the real world. We do not know anyone exists when we drift into our worlds....he is saying he loves you by going out of his way to be in the room with you. If you want more, you have to coax him out of his other world, but be careful you don't over do it....this can come accrossed as harrassement or nagging after awhile. if you want him paying attention to you all the time, go get a NT boyfriend...he is not for you, sorry I am not trying to be mean.
Think it over, can you live with that...training him out of that habit is not likely to work.
3. We tend to think in liner cause and effect lines, not Oooh! I love that! Mushy sentimental stuff. You can say what you want and what you need....but you have to phrase it in liner a detailed action oriented manner.
If you say I wish you were more romantic, you will get a blank look. You gave no detailed action, or reason on what he should do to please you....He Doesn't know what you want. If you say bringing me some flowers once or twice a moth will make me very happy, and I will love you more...he may if he doesn't forget, (you may need to reminded him sometimes), buy you some flowers exactly once or twice a month. You have to ask for a actual action to get good results....he will not learn to read your mind.
If you really want him to read your mind because it is romantic....go get a NT boyfriend please...and never ask any of us out again as a kindness.
Well said Maelstrom When you're trying to get us to do something that is not in our nature to do on our own, you've got to be specific and, give us all of the details. What to do, how to do it, when to do it and, why you want us to do it. Then we will do it to please you. We do want you to be happy and, happy with us.
That also works when you don't want us to do something we normally do. You can't just tell us "don't do that again." You will get one very disappointed and, slight confused Aspie. Now tell us why you don't like us doing that and, what we should do instead - give us a replacement action, and we will probably do our best to replace the action you dislike with the one you told us you liked. But to us, you can't take away a habitual or purposeful action or a rule we live by without giving us a new one of the same type of thing to replace it.
We really are amazing learners, we can learn anything so long as we are given all of the ins, outs, ups, downs, whys, whats, whens and, wheres and, hows of it.
That also works when you don't want us to do something we normally do. You can't just tell us "don't do that again." You will get one very disappointed and, slight confused Aspie. Now tell us why you don't like us doing that and, what we should do instead - give us a replacement action, and we will probably do our best to replace the action you dislike with the one you told us you liked. But to us, you can't take away a habitual or purposeful action or a rule we live by without giving us a new one of the same type of thing to replace it.
We really are amazing learners, we can learn anything so long as we are given all of the ins, outs, ups, downs, whys, whats, whens and, wheres and, hows of it.
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For #2 I have that with my husband. He loves alone time even if we're in the same room. We changed that slowly. I asked if he was reading could he at least sit next to me, not across the room. Eventually now when he sits next to me we actually just talk. We've also tried doing less stimulating activities together like puzzles. He now has something to focus on and a task to finish, but we're spending time together talking.
Maelstrom,
Thank you for your insight! I just so happen to love learning and I am fascinated by the depth of information he can store on certain topics. I really like how you connected information/learning to emotional currency, that really helps me understand.
I would have never thought of this about his own inner worlds. He has told me he goes off in his 'head' to escape and he likes it there. But, I didn't know that his is showing he loves me by wanting to be in the same room with me even if he stays in his inner world. That alone makes me feel very happy inside. You are right, he will tell me I'm nagging him, if I whine or complain or interrupt this. Now, that I understand that this is pleasant for him and he's not ignoring me on purpose, I have no reason to nag or complain. In fact, I will gladly sit in the same room and read, or play a game on my phone or just cuddle by the fire while he does his own thing.
I don't want to train him to do anything. I just want to understand him! I don't want him to read my mind, just like I cannot read his mind. I only came on here to find help information, share experiences and to get a deeper understanding of his world, since I am an NT. I am trying my best and my intentions are not to make him into an NT boyfriend, I like him the way he is and I accept him the way he is.
In fact, it is I, who is doing the changing. I took the initiative to change my way of thinking, my views, my behavior all to accommodate him.
That last line really hurt my feelings, to "never ask any of us out again as a kindness".
I'm not for sure what I have said or did to deserve that, but I am sorry. I never meant any harm.
Hi MkeRN, thank you for sharing with me. I really appreciate your example and I used it as a guide the other night.
I downloaded an app "Brain Training" and Mr. LoveDream and I took turns playing the mini-games. We both enjoyed ourselves and he was able to be intellectually stimulated by these games. I enjoyed watching him play and beat my scores and loved sharing this time with him. I also randomly googled, "Did you know facts?" and just started reading them to him, he loved this. He would tell me the ones he already knew, but then he would stop and research any that he didn't know or didn't 'believe'. I let him take all the time he wanted and I listened to him explain his information that he had found. This was a fun activity for both of us as well.
So, thank you again! Finding these activities provided the stimulation we both needed! <3~<3~<3
Maelstrom
Magical Pattern Auspie
Maelstrom, That last line really hurt my feelings, to "never ask any of us out again as a kindness".
Sorry! I almost went back and changed it I was worried my wording was too strong...it wasn't really aimed at you personally...you seem quite nice.
However we do get allot of NT's who come here talking about understanding us for better love relations....but it seems like they are more looking for a hidden switch, to switch off the autism and get a super romantic empathic boyfriend or Girlfriend.
Some of us H/F auties and aspies can learn to do some of those things a little, but it never is easy, or natural for us. To a large degree what you see is what you get....if the menu doesn't suit...choosing a new place to eat may be advisable....or learn to eat what is available and like it.
That does not mean however that I'm not rooting for you to make it work, we always love happily everafter love stories here....it is a shame we don't see more of them.
Best wishes and lots of luck to you Mael
Here's how I think about my Asperger's: it's like I'm 1/4 Vulcan. I'm logical, methodical, and kind of introverted ...sharing space and the comfort of the presence of another sometimes is sufficient. I'm a woman, so it affects me differently than it would a man from what I understand, but I don't like receiving dead foliage any more than your Mr. likes giving them. It's like they are illogical (but give me a rosebush, and I'm enchanted).
Try asking about his love languages. That is something that I think is in the middle ground between your experience and his that may have common ground and provide for good dialogue...
Try asking about his love languages. That is something that I think is in the middle ground between your experience and his that may have common ground and provide for good dialogue...
Odd Duck 1357
Member
Your choice of majors is an awesome illustration of who you both are. The Aspie world is far more colorful and uncomplicated, almost magical; it is hard for us to break away from it and step into the austere, rule-driven, drab NT universe. For example, a drop of rain can hold immense fascination for us because of everything it means and does: it bends light, it is a conglomerate of primordial molecules dancing on my eyelashes, it is a gateway to a rainbow of fascinating facts. Who needs "feelings" and societal rules, and dealing with difficult people in the NT world, when our inner one is so much more interesting? If only we could break through the divide and share what we see, know and, yes, feel... Facts are palpable, living things; people are complicated and needy. At least that's the best way I can explain it. I'm happiest when my NT husband reaches through and joins me in a long intellectual discussion on some esoteric topic. However, I'm in the minority in a society where reality means working, paying bills, contributing to a society made up of emotional, needy, complicated human beings. I do my best to function in this reality that has my physical body in it, and he does his best to understand and live with me. It is love, both frustrating and glorious, but so worth it! My advice is, don't give up. In time you will both learn to break through the divide and participate more fully in each other's world.
On the Inside
Well-Known Member
That is well said, and describes my thoughts quite well. As you say, if we could only share what we see.... I have a lot of communication barriers as it is, and it is compounded by fact that much of what I'm interested in, like your rain drop example, might hold a universe of fascination, presenting it poses a problem.
You are fortunate to have a mate who is interested in working a little to understand you and enter your world from time to time. My SO (NT female) is much less interested in my thoughts and viewpoint, and is most interested in the practical side, keeping up with the to-do list of life and being emotionally and intentionally present. She will usually cut me off abruptly when I start getting intellectual, esoteric, or speculative, such are the things that inhabit my mind. If she asks me what I'm thinking about, I might often respond " about the dimensional realities of matter, time and movement and how our individual perception adds to or subtracts from those dimensions" she will say "can we talk about 'blank' instead" or be disappointed that I wasn't thinking about feelings and needs (hers, mainly).
Maelstrom
Magical Pattern Auspie
I read this and had to comment because you seem to "get" the middle area between these two worlds. I find your explanations clear. They make sense. I think earlier you also mentioned not to take things personally if "you" (Aspies) tell "us" (NTs) that a color doesn't look good on us.
This reminded me of one day after I realized what was going on with my BF (I started to suspect ASD), we were going to dinner on a Friday night and he said something that normally I would have been hurt by. He said, "You're wearing that three dollar dress again?" I burst out laughing. It was so funny to me. He looked at me like a little kid. It's like he enjoyed my laughing but had no idea what was funny. I explained to him that you don't ask your girlfriend something like that when she's gotten ready to go out, that it sounds rude. And he said, 'Well I already told you that once." And I said "but you don't say it on a Friday night, when you're going out for a nice dinner." He still didn't understand, but as I write this, I kind of actually get why that might not make sense to someone. It does kind of seem like a random rule, the way I tried to break it down. Well, other similar moments haven't always gotten a laugh out of me. In fact, I've become enraged at many.
Wondering if you have any feedback on this, in particular the "don't do that again". My boyfriend reads like a fiend. I will say, though, there is a certain rigidity in his thinking and I see him tending to read those things that support what he already believes. He will dig his heels in on certain subjects.
He is particularly interested in health and politics. His "interest" affects our relationship because he feels compelled to make comments about mine. He says it's because he loves me and that if he says it enough maybe I will eventually learn. I'd like to share what I have said to him about the subjects of health and exercise because maybe you can give me feedback about how to explain this in a way he understands. He is not a hurtful person, nor is he generally controlling but I need to figure out a way to communicate this effectively. Here are a few points to make. 1. Some of his comments feel hurtful because they come across as though he's saying I'm not "good enough". 2. I cannot stand hearing this over and over again. It's like a parrot or Chinese water torture or nagging. I lost it today. I gave him several subjects I do not want to hear about and I know he has tried. And in all fairness, I do realize, he has tried to hold back. I still can't help being triggered (at least internally). Here is the kicker. I struggle to use logic because some of his beliefs are NOT logical. Here's an example. He has equated me drinking diet soda to how would I feel if he started using COCAINE! What do you do with that?
If this were an NT guy, I would tell him to (*&%**%*(& off!
Gosh, this site is better than therapy and cheaper!
Maelstrom
Magical Pattern Auspie
Your post is both funny, and I feel for you as well, you seem pretty good at analizing your boyfriend already.
Yes as a aspies we think our educational comments are jems plucked from the lips of God...and Our NT loves tend to think they are stuck in insult Hell.
Just try to explain the emotional equation to your boyfriend maybe he will see the emotional logic after awhile. Say this kind of comment triggers this kind of emotional feeling which causes this sort of reaction etcetera!
Explaining emotional logic as a new set of logic rules may be the only way to train him to be more charming.
On the Political interests you have to remind him conversation is like trading, he needs to ask you about something you are interested in 50% of the time to be fair...take turns in other words. And he does not get to say nothing you are, or do is interesting. If you love My little Pony or whatever, he can learn to hear about My Little Pony some, just like you have to hear about Obama or whatever.
Learning to ask questions more is the best way for a aspie to charm NTs in conversation ,everyone wishes others care about who they are, or what they do, etcetera.
If he insults your dress too much maybe a playful smack? or big Sigh! and tell him next time to just ask for his other favorite outfit you wear or something.
Is this good enough sisselcakes ,I am fairly H/F on the NT relations but am not a Oracle either. I have learned to be warm and engaging but still find the ladies a lovely unsolved mystery some days...but I do try.
Best wishes Maelstrom
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Love it. You wrap it up in a succinct, clear way. My issue is, with his logic, the numbers don't always add up correctly. LOL.
But I get the point and it's a good reminder to me.
Your response to my response made me laugh. "Gems plucked from the mouth of God." Ha ha ha. This may be particularly true of him because he does have a flair of arrogance, believing most people are inferior to him in knowledge. I'm kind of the same and find that trait attractive to an extent unless it's directed at me!
Good thing I have a pretty healthy sense of humor. That has gotten me through a lot of frustrations. In fact, this is something I appreciate about my bf. He's quite the cynic, but not in a depressing way, and cracks me up. We have similar senses of humor.
Great idea about converting emotions to logic, in terms of the consequences and string of events they create. That may work over time. Maybe I can explain it to him in terms he will understand - Hillary Clinton talking about global warming. That would send him over the edge and his comments about health do the same for me. I will acknowledge the reasons he feels the need to teach me: because he cares about me, and I appreciate that.
I love his interest in politics, even though we disagree on many things and his rigidity sometimes drives me crazy, because he is always up for intelligent, mind-stimulating conversation.
Your comments led me to an epiphany. My boyfriend has trouble empathizing with people whom he sees as "wrong", so he doesn't "get" how I can see the food/fitness thing from a different perspective or how it is annoying. Once when I rear-ended a guy, who turned out to be an ex-con slimeball, my bf came to my rescue and dealt with the guy. At the time my bf said they guy was lying about the damage to his car and it wasn't worth "&)&)(&!)". Later when the guy called me to ask for more money and made what seemed to me to be a veiled threat, my bf seemed to take his side and I was so hurt that he wasn't supporting me. BUT he was looking at the black and white rules/law. I was in the wrong. He later showed empathy when I broke down crying. It's like he melted and gave me a big hug.
Thanks for your feedback. It's invaluable, really. I've said before and I'll say it again. This site is better than therapy!
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