Help with communicating

[ksheehan88]

Hi all. I have an aspie friend, he's the first person I've ever interacted with who has this so dealing with the emotional/social aspect of friendship with him is all new to me and I'm struggling.

I suffer high anxiety/low mood so when he has times where he goes almost silent on me my anxiety will kick in and I panic he doesn't like me anymore and I get needy and have the constant urge to communicate with him. (I've noticed a pattern where he'll txt me everyday for a couple weeks then barely anything for a couple weeks unless I make the first move)

I know this is totally the wrong move to make and I will likely push him away for real, and he does reassure me it isn't personal and he does like me but my brain tells me otherwise... I am working hard on stopping this.

I guess what I'm looking for is reassurance that this is something that happens to other people or that this is what aspies sometimes do, and maybe get some advice on what I should/should not say or do... I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this, but I'm desperate not to push him away, he means a lot to me and I want to better understand xxx

 

[WereBear]

One thing about Aspies: we tend to value honesty and prefer not saying social lies or reacting out of mere politeness if it is not at all true.

You can ask him if he is up for chatting or whatever and he will tell you what is going on.

 

[ksheehan88]

One thing about Aspies: we tend to value honesty and prefer not saying social lies or reacting out of mere politeness if it is not at all true.

You can ask him if he is up for chatting or whatever and he will tell you what is going on.

He forever tells me he can't help but be honest so I do my best to believe when he says we're good that we are. He also has told me he just doesn't know what to say sometimes, which is fair enough. I just worry I go over the top and he'll cut me off if I try too hard.

On the other hand when I try and just leave it a few days without txting I worry he's upset or struggling or thinking I don't want to talk to him, I don't want him to think I'm drifting or I don't care.

Maybe I'll try just txting him every other day or something, so as not to go too far... I also need to learn to not take it personally if he doesn't txt back.

Thankyou xxx

 

[Judge]

I know this is totally the wrong move to make and I will likely push him away for real, and he does reassure me it isn't personal and he does like me but my brain tells me otherwise... I am working hard on stopping this.

Wow. Assuming from your post you are Neurotypical, IMO you are spot-on with your concerns and understanding of the social dynamics of your potential relationship. Well done!

The simplest way I can answer your questions would be for you to deeply listen to YOURSELF. Because you are absolutely right in your concerns not only for him as someone who is Neurodiverse, but for you as a Neurotypical.

In a nutshell what you said I put into bold typeface. That is indeed what you must overcome to make this work. It isn't personal on his part. Critical as well for him to have acknowledged this to you. And equally critical for you to heed your own words.

That you must somehow mentally condition yourself to overcome subliminal feelings of rejection. You aren't being rejected. It's just our nature in how uneven and awkward we may be in relating to other people. Where we require a routine degree of solitude, which can be easily misinterpreted as a form of rejection.

For autistic people, at times it can be a challenge just to be around one person in as much as being surrounded by a crowd. That in the same time frame we can be quite lonely, yet also long to be alone. It makes no sense, but it reflects a dynamic of who and what we are. One which tragically can be so misunderstood at times by Neurotypical mindsets.

Yes, you must work very hard not to allow your emotions to subvert your ability to correctly rationalize things. If you can, you may have a very successful relationship with someone who is on the spectrum. Conversely I hope he considers his own challenge in understanding you and your needs to whatever degree is possible for him.

 

[ksheehan88]

Wow. Assuming from your post you are Neurotypical, IMO you are spot-on with your concerns and understanding of the social dynamics of your potential relationship. Well done!

The simplest way I can answer your questions would be for you to deeply listen to YOURSELF. Because you are absolutely right in your concerns not only for him as someone who is Neurodiverse, but for you as a Neurotypical.

In a nutshell what you said I put into bold typeface. That is indeed what you must overcome to make this work. It isn't personal on his part. Critical as well for him to have acknowledged this to you. And equally critical for you to heed your own words.

That you must somehow mentally condition yourself to overcome subliminal feelings of rejection. You aren't being rejected. It's just our nature in how uneven and awkward we may be in relating to other people. Where we require a routine degree of solitude, which can be easily misinterpreted as a form of rejection.

For autistic people, at times it can be a challenge just to be around one person in as much as being surrounded by a crowd. That in the same time frame we can be quite lonely, yet also long to be alone. It makes no sense, but it reflects a dynamic of who and what we are. One which tragically can be so misunderstood at times by Neurotypical mindsets.

Yes, you must work very hard not to allow your emotions to subvert your ability to correctly rationalize things. If you can, you may have a very successful relationship with someone who is on the spectrum. Conversely I hope he considers his own challenge in understanding you and your needs to whatever degree is possible for him.

Thankyou Judge, its really helpful to see that put down in words. Yes I really want to be able to understand and react accordingly rather than allow my emotions to cloud my thought, I will continue to work on it xxx

 

[Judge]

Thankyou Judge, its really helpful to see that put down in words. Yes I really want to be able to understand and react accordingly rather than allow my emotions to cloud my thought, I will continue to work on it xxx

You put it all down on your own. I just reminded you that you were on the right path from the very beginning. But to give you some perspective, for me you may be the very first Neurotypical to properly understand what's most important in this social equation from the outset. Very cool!

You see, I went through a number of relationships with Neurotypical women. All which failed, and all based primarily on our neurological differences. Which neither they or myself had a clue of at the time. I didn't even stumble onto the idea of being neurologically different until many years later. Long after I gave up on relationships, at a time when I really had no idea what the real issues were.

Probably the most difficult thing for NTs to understand is that indeed, how we respond to them is more often than not about us and not you. Of course another problem can be how we are seen as being highly egocentric. And at times we are. That we exist in our own world, often isolated by circumstances as well as choice. Which presents quite a social challenge for us as well.

 

[ksheehan88]

You put it all down on your own. I just reminded you that you were on the right path from the very beginning. But to give you some perspective, for me you may be the very first Neurotypical to properly understand what's most important in this social equation from the outset. Very cool!

You see, I went through a number of relationships with Neurotypical women. All which failed, and all based primarily on our neurological differences. Which neither they or myself had a clue of at the time. I didn't even stumble onto the idea of being neurologically different until many years later. Long after I gave up on relationships, at a time when I really had no idea what the real issues were.

I shall take that as a compliment... and also stop doubting myself so much and start trusting my instincts. I'm sorry to hear of your past relationship breakdowns I guess its all about understanding. I've made sure to glean as much info as I can about Aspergers so I can ensure I don't confuse his particular aspie behaviours with NT behaviours, if you know what I mean... If I didn't know he was an aspie, I would assume him to be unpleasant... Knowing who he is in its entirety though means I can see past what I would normally consider unpleasant traits... I hope that makes sense and doesn't come across in a bad way, I'm not great at explaining things lol. xx

 

[Judge]

I shall take that as a compliment... and also stop doubting myself so much and start trusting my instincts. I'm sorry to hear of your past relationship breakdowns I guess its all about understanding. I've made sure to glean as much info as I can about Aspergers so I can ensure I don't confuse his particular aspie behaviours with NT behaviours, if you know what I mean... If I didn't know he was an aspie, I would assume him to be unpleasant... Knowing who he is in its entirety though means I can see past what I would normally consider unpleasant traits... I hope that makes sense and doesn't come across in a bad way, I'm not great at explaining things lol. xx

It's a huge compliment. I'm utterly impressed.

IMO for those of us on the spectrum of autism, the most critical thing in our lives is self-awareness. Something I didn't achieve until my mid fifties. Too late to really right all the wrongs of my existence and relationships, but satisfying in finally beginning to understand who and what I am. To be able to explain why I've led a lifetime of feeling as if I was on the outside looking in. An alien in my own native environment.

 

[Maelstrom]

Hi all. I have an aspie friend, he's the first person I've ever interacted with who has this so dealing with the emotional/social aspect of friendship with him is all new to me and I'm struggling.

I suffer high anxiety/low mood so when he has times where he goes almost silent on me my anxiety will kick in and I panic he doesn't like me anymore and I get needy and have the constant urge to communicate with him. (I've noticed a pattern where he'll txt me everyday for a couple weeks then barely anything for a couple weeks unless I make the first move)

I know this is totally the wrong move to make and I will likely push him away for real, and he does reassure me it isn't personal and he does like me but my brain tells me otherwise... I am working hard on stopping this.

I guess what I'm looking for is reassurance that this is something that happens to other people or that this is what aspies sometimes do, and maybe get some advice on what I should/should not say or do... I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this, but I'm desperate not to push him away, he means a lot to me and I want to better understand xxx

ksheehan88 It is common for aspies to crash on the social people stuff and retreat to recharge and rest. Keeping social stress low is the best way to deal with it, walk softly, speak softly, you could just sit quietly with him, that sort of thing.

It should get less as he gets more used to you.

 

[ksheehan88]

ksheehan88 It is common for aspies to crash on the social people stuff and retreat to recharge and rest. Keeping social stress low is the best way to deal with it, walk softly, speak softly, you could just sit quietly with him, that sort of thing.

It should get less as he gets more used to you.

Thankyou Maelstrom xx

 

[Judge]

ksheehan88 It is common for aspies to crash on the social people stuff and retreat to recharge and rest. Keeping social stress low is the best way to deal with it, walk softly, speak softly, you could just sit quietly with him, that sort of thing.

It should get less as he gets more used to you.

Good point Mael. That "recovery" aspect of socialization is very real for those of us on the spectrum. Socialization on a very small or a very large scale can be emotionally and physically debilitating for us. Even if we actually have a good time.

Something quite alien to Neurotypicals. We really do quite literally require time to "recharge". But above all as was said by the OP, they must endeavor not to take this personally! It's critical...can say that enough.

For years I was baffled by my own behavior and metabolic issues. Even having gotten through social occasions I found to be positive, I would come home exhausted, often with a tension headache. It's just who and what I am.

 

[ksheehan88]

I'm really valuing the advice guys, thankyou so much... There's reading stuff off websites then there's asking those who actually KNOW, I appreciate it hugely xxx

 

[Judge]

I'm really valuing the advice guys, thankyou so much... There's reading stuff off websites then there's asking those who actually KNOW, I appreciate it hugely xxx

We value YOUR ability to comprehend the social dynamics so quickly. Frankly it doesn't happen very often.

Though never the less, it remains a challenge for NTs and Aspies to understand one another to the point of successfully maintaining a relationship. It's not easy. Especially when I consider how long it took me to understand myself!

One thing I've seen here on occasion are NT's seeking a relationship with someone who they suspect is on the spectrum, while the person in question has no idea or belief that they are autistic. Those relationships strike me as doomed, much like my own. Self-awareness on the part of people on the spectrum is critical. And yet there are so many of us walking around having spent a lifetime not knowing. Very sad.

 

[ksheehan88]

We value YOUR ability to comprehend the social dynamics so quickly. Frankly it doesn't happen very often.

Though never the less, it remains a challenge for NTs and Aspies to understand one another to the point of successfully maintaining a relationship. It's not easy. Especially when I consider how long it took me to understand myself!

One thing I've seen here on occasion are NT's seeking a relationship with someone who they suspect is on the spectrum, while the person in question has no idea or belief that they are autistic. Those relationships strike me as doomed, much like my own. Self-awareness on the part of people on the spectrum is critical. And yet there are so many of us walking around having spent a lifetime not knowing. Very sad.

My friend has only recently been diagnosed, though he has suspected for years, he is in his late twenties. He said he looks back now and so many things now make sense in regards to his relationships, social issues etc. I think he's still coming to terms with having an actual diagnosis xxx

 

[Judge]

My friend has only recently been diagnosed, though he has suspected for years, he is in his late twenties. He said he looks back now and so many things now make sense in regards to his relationships, social issues etc. I think he's still coming to terms with having an actual diagnosis xxx

Good subject. It's important to understand that this isn't an easy thing to come to terms with either. It can be a "rough and tumble" process. Although I came to this conclusion all on my own (I'm still self-diagnosed) it included a lot of skepticism and denial on my part. So keep this in mind if at times he might seem not entirely cool with his understanding of his neurological profile.

One thing for sure IMO, you can't sell this to anyone. That eventually they have to come to terms with it entirely on their own.

Or as Jerry Garcia once sang, "What a long, strange trip it's been."

 

[Maelstrom]

I would sleep sometimes for almost a whole day after dealing with dating and the ex-girlfriends family issues.
Dating brings all kinds of new social things to deal with, struggling to find out how to please a new lady, new foods new social traditions, new expectations, new possible family members who may or may not be friendly and tolerant... rivers of new stuff flying at you from all directions.
And new stuff wears use autistics out something terrible by overloading us and causing shutdown.
Part of the recharging process for autistics is our brains sort stored unprocessed social memories, I had repressed memories of social face and voice tone details coming back to me for almost 8 months after my almost engagement blew up in my face. I call it brain barf....if a social situation is to much for a autistic person in my experience most of the events details just get shoved into a corner of the brain to be sorted later.
ksheehan88 ,Things may go better for you if you keep dating in quiet more familiar surroundings he will stress much less and need less rest.
That means staying away from crowed places, if you can?

Park instead of the theater and so on....

 

[ksheehan88]

I would sleep sometimes for almost a whole day after dealing with dating and the ex-girlfriends family issues.
Dating brings all kinds of new social things to deal with, struggling to find out how to please a new lady, new foods new social traditions, new expectations, new possible family members who may or may not be friendly and tolerant... rivers of new stuff flying at you from all directions.
And new stuff wears use autistics out something terrible by overloading us and causing shutdown.
Part of the recharging process for autistics is our brains sort stored unprocessed social memories, I had repressed memories of social face and voice tone details coming back to me for almost 8 months after my almost engagement blew up in my face. I call it brain barf....if a social situation is to much for a autistic person in my experience most of the events details just get shoved into a corner of the brain to be sorted later.
ksheehan88 ,Things may go better for you if you keep dating in quiet more familiar surroundings he will stress much less and need less rest.
That means staying away from crowed places, if you can?

Park instead of the theater and so on....

We only ever go to his place. He feels more comfortable in his own space, so takeaway and TV are fine by me, if thats what makes him happy, thats what makes me happy xx

 

[Maelstrom]

We only ever go to his place. He feels more comfortable in his own space, so takeaway and TV are fine by me, if thats what makes him happy, thats what makes me happy xx

Sounds good ....you should note the more familiar he gets with you and other places the less trouble he will have.
It does get less with time....all tho us aspies all tend to need some recharge time in general.
ksheehan88 If you want to do something new with him take time to explain and show him so he feels somewhat familiar with it, and remember to do it well in advance so he has time to process it mentally. If you do that things will go much smoother on new stuff.

Good luck Maelstrom

 

[ksheehan88]

I'd just like to clarify, we are just friends, we aren't dating xx

 

[Maelstrom]

I'd just like to clarify, we are just friends, we aren't dating xx

Oh! sorry! well you can still chat with him on these things he may need to learn some of this stuff to do better in life.