Hi all! Need your advice, please!

[Aspychata]

Yeah, I had a similar sort of situation. I thought the guy was just shy so I gave home way too much time and too many chances.

I suspected he was on the spectrum, then he told me he thinks he's an aspie. That explains things, I thought.

Hot and cold is what I got. I couldn't work it out.

Then he started a serious relationship with someone else.

Guess what? Not shy. Not just being an aspie.

I was a placeholder until he found what he actually wanted.

Don't give guys who mess you around a second thought. Do you think they're sitting at home trying to work you out like you're trying to work him out?

Big old nope.

They're not worth it, no matter how nice and fun and charming they are.

Move on and find someone who actually wants to be with you.

Think being on the spectrum presents issues. The po situation may workout if she just takes time to communicate. Relationships change, grow, move forward,move backwards. It's just the way it is.

 

[Thinx]

Thanks Thinx for taking the time to type this out.

I identify with dismissive avoident. But l am also on the spectrum, so l don't have a super big need to have social contacts.

Yes I worked long and hard to get to Dismissive Avoidant, moving from somewhere in the Fearful avoidant quadrant, and gradually travelled to learnt Secure, but can still veer into insecure styles when very stressed, however I can use strategies to feel better and postpone negative responses to others now, til I find a calmer place. Then I can make allowances and think kindly and constructively.

Understanding I have high autistic traits or Aspergers helped, as this can look like Dismissive avoidant attachment style in an adult, so although as I worked to improve from Fearful avoidant and did in fact have that style to some extent, when I understood about the autism I could take that into account.

Then, whilst still working towards secure relating, I was understanding that some of the brain functions that drive social behaviour are not there for me, so part of what could seem dismissive was just a lack of ability to connect alongside a decreased wish to do so, due to the overwhelm social contexts can produce. Useful to know.

 

[hatfullofrain]

Think being on the spectrum presents issues. The po situation may workout if she just takes time to communicate. Relationships change, grow, move forward,move backwards. It's just the way it is.

But if he's not interested, and there's a 90% chance he's not, then it's a hell of a waste of time and emotion when you can go and meet someone who really wants to be involved with you.

I don't see the point anymore. I used to be more empathetic, but too many people have revealed their true motives to me. There are so many options if people to date. The O.P. is getting played.

No one is special enough for this waste of time. Life is too short.

Unless of course, they've come to you for therapy.

 

[Len Huppe]

What I am asking from you, if that is possible, is a bit of enlightenment, so I can empathize, not from my point of view. Thanks.

Hello and welcome. I'm really glad that I came across this thread. I am a self-diagnosed Aspie recovering from a failed relationship. I think that I can offer you some insight into what is going on. I want to begin by pointing out a well known fact of life in relationships. Communication is critical and without it any relationship will be strained. We know that Aspies have difficulty communicating so it follows that finding a way to communicate is going to be critical to the success of your relationship. The fact that you feel lonely is a clear indication that you are not communicating effectively. In fact loneliness is a very common complaint among those who are dating an Aspie. The good news is that couples counseling is available. There are Aspies out there who are in loving relationships and even married with children so we know that it can be done. I suggest that you begin by seeking counseling. Along the way you will learn how to see things from his point of view.

 

[Aspychata]

But if he's not interested, and there's a 90% chance he's not, then it's a hell of a waste of time and emotion when you can go and meet someone who really wants to be involved with you.

I don't see the point anymore. I used to be more empathetic, but too many people have revealed their true motives to me. There are so many options if people to date. The O.P. is getting played.

No one is special enough for this waste of time. Life is too short.

Unless of course, they've come to you for therapy.

Okay - where to start. What if you are attracted to the person, another person isn't going to hold your attention. Myself- l have to have an attraction otherwise nothing - l mean nothing will happen. I am too old to fake attraction or pretend l like someone when l don't. Relationships are whatever two people want. Maybe two people don't want 24/7 together. Maybe they want breaks. I have said this before, nobody has a right to decide their definition of a relationship is correct. If people like a part-time relationship - then that's their business. Relationship is a loose definition- last l looked it didn't say :
Relationship is:
1. Do this
2. And this.
3. And do this after that.
There is no definition of relationship except what 2 people decide. Being on the spectrum means being more open.

 

[Aspychata]

Yes I worked long and hard to get to Dismissive Avoidant, moving from somewhere in the Fearful avoidant quadrant, and gradually travelled to learnt Secure, but can still veer into insecure styles when very stressed, however I can use strategies to feel better and postpone negative responses to others now, til I find a calmer place. Then I can make allowances and think kindly and constructively.

Understanding I have high autistic traits or Aspergers helped, as this can look like Dismissive avoidant attachment style in an adult, so although as I worked to improve from Fearful avoidant and did in fact have that style to some extent, when I understood about the autism I could take that into account.

Then, whilst still working towards secure relating, I was understanding that some of the brain functions that drive social behaviour are not there for me, so part of what could seem dismissive was just a lack of ability to connect alongside a decreased wish to do so, due to the overwhelm social contexts can produce. Useful to know.

That's great you worked to understanding yourself. I pushed away people my entire life. It helped me feel in control. Because if l couldn't handle it, l could stop it. Now l come from a place of understanding and better acceptance of myself. That is helping me open my gift of myself to someone else. We are all gifts, we only share what we wish to when we *want to*. That's okay.

 

[Barymore]

Hello!

I have been with my wife for close to 10 years (me: diagnosed aspie), she says she has never been in a relationship that is so challenging and keeps staying challenging, I dont know anything else - all my relationships have been acts of translation!

I'm with len huppe in that communication is absolutely key - luckily we both have overlapping styles and my wife and I have spent so much time discussing how to make things work. If we had very different styles I am not sure it would have worked. We have also done some therapy. We are both committed and reaffirm this regularly.

That said, there are still issues - impasses that we have to manouver around.
What hatfullofrain said resonates. Whatever background someone brings (cultural, personally, diagnosis etc) its about two people in a relationship. It needs to be enough for both and despite a "diagnosis" I am still a mature, adult person who can and needs to be called on her (mis)behavior. Being neurodivergent should not be a justification for injurous behaviour. It can be an explanation but that doesnt make it ok for another person to be suffering. Same holds for NT of course. Its tricky, as in other relationships, to navigate the waters of compromise and setting limits. I hope I am being clear in what I mean, I fear this may perhaps offend. Not my intention.

 

[Len Huppe]

That's great you worked to understanding yourself. I pushed away people my entire life. It helped me feel in control. Because if l couldn't handle it, l could stop it. Now l come from a place of understanding and better acceptance of myself. That is helping me open my gift of myself to someone else. We are all gifts, we only share what we wish to when we *want to*. That's okay.

I used to think that I could handle the solitude of being alone. Then I fell into a deep depression and learned just how much I need other people in my life. You are right in saying that we are gifts to each other. As for sharing only what we want to, I think that comes down to setting healthy boundaries. Learning to establish boundaries is a must for all of us.