Hi All

[clg114]

Welcome to Autism Forums!

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Wow. Interesting family. My step-father was a civil engineer. My half-brothet is a computer geek.

It sounds like you kind of hold the family together. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Oh yeah- welcome to the forum.

I sometimes worked with Engineering to help them pass muster in regulatory filings in the most efficient way possible. At meetings nobody was looking at each other in the eyes. I was in my element.

BTW @GypsyMoth , Welcome.

 

[GypsyMoth]

I sometimes worked with Engineering to help them pass muster in regulatory filings in the most efficient way possible. At meetings nobody was looking at each other in the eyes. I was in my element.

BTW @GypsyMoth , Welcome.

Yeah, I've never really thought about it but you're right--my uncles are much less expressive around people they don't know well. And if my 90-something-year-old grandfather makes eye contact, it means you've caught his attention in a very negative way. So if you were ever to find yourself at one of my family's gatherings, it would probably be better if they didn't make eye contact!

Nice to meet you, @Gerald Wilgus!

 

[GypsyMoth]

@Tom had asked, “what are you hoping to learn?” Packed into my reply to him was my own unwritten question, gee, what should I make of the results of all those online tests I took? Probably nothing more than, nothing; it’s online. I’m finding it’s really hard to admit that I just might be on the scale. Somewhere. But when I read something like this article from The Art of Autism, that’s me. Maybe not 100%. Maybe the degree to which I now exhibit or engage in these behaviors has lessened significantly over the years. Although, there was a time when I would have scored very high on the AQ.

My mother came to visit recently and I showed her my artwork from a watercolor class I took, over a decade ago. (No, I don’t see her often.) I mentioned how the instructor had really shown an interest in my final painting. He said that the last student he had seen paint like that was now the president of the local watercolor society. Instead of being happy for me, she said, “it’s too bad you don’t value your gift. Why don’t you see your art as worthwhile?” She meant well. Typing this out, it even looks caring on the screen. But I had to hold my tongue at her condescending tone. (I’m actually pretty good at that now—I learned it from a terrible season of foot-in-mouth disease.)

I am not accustomed to the world valuing my gifts or abilities, and least of all, me. (There’s certainly no market for my artwork.) When I realized that I would not be able to change career fields right away but that I will have to return to my former career, even as a temp, I felt sick. Going to work was like going to war. Oh, bring it on—I can handle it. I just don’t want to handle it anymore. I thought that by changing career fields, I might make a new start in a new field. I’ve now got the education; when the right job comes along, I just may need to make my case as to why my education will be more valuable than experience. Putting on an ill-fitting job, it’s a bit like masking, isn’t it?

As I have been reading through the community posts here, one of the biggest impressions I’ve come away with is that this community sees its members as worthwhile. Worthwhile to listen to; worthwhile to invest in; worthwhile to care about.

I’ve learned that my writing and rewriting this (four times now) is probably symptomatic of an autistic trait. I’m torn between self-disclosure and appropriate length. I bring my husband with me to doctor appointments knowing that, at some point, the doctor will give me this look that says, I have no idea what this person is blabbering on and on about. Then he steps in for me and summarizes what I’m saying. My dreams are as vivid and detailed as real life, and I often wake up hearing music—sometimes orchestra music—even though I usually only listen to birdsong. I’m getting the picture that, just maybe, this doesn’t happen to most people. I recall most things I see; I have a knack for saying the wrong thing. I just don’t connect well with most people beyond the perfunctory beginning of a relationship. This worries me a lot as I look for a new job.

A new job will mean having to mask more than I apparently do. (I’m a quick study.) It will mean having to be extra careful about interrupting people, and making sure to smile at jokes I don’t get (or think are stupid). It will mean having to remember names associated with cubicles, not faces, because even though I have no trouble remembering faces, I often forget the names associated with them. But I always remember where the faces sit. It will mean writing everything down, in order, to see what the existing processes are. It will mean staying mum on process improvement and refraining from asking questions and offering better ideas. I’m not signing up for the sort of position where my ideas will be welcome. My skills and ideas are going to be worthless again, for a time, so long as I’m a temp.

Do I want testing? No. Does it get in my way? To be honest, I think it does—even if only a bit. Being on this forum over these past few days has shown me that I’ve given up a lot of myself in order to ‘fit in’. (I've given up more than my art over the years.) Now, I still don’t fit in—I sort of pull it off in a cool sort of way that’s completely unintentional. I’d rather people look up to me than down at me—but even when that’s the case, I’m always on the outside looking in. But here, I feel like you guys are able to see right through me. I’m not really sure how I feel about that.

I remember, as a youth, what it was like to be touched and for the sensation to feel like glass, like I was going to break, or like fire and how I couldn’t pull away fast enough. No one knew that was a symptom of autism. My mother still holds it against me, though that’s been a long time ago. I still don’t like giving hugs, but it no longer hurts. In fact, I am much more habituated to it because the social convention where we live dictates it. I have felt obligated to adapt. (People I know would feel really bad to hear that. I know that’s not how they see it.) I am much less an all-or-nothing person than I was twenty years ago (though I still get pushback about it). Does habituation play a role in extinguishing the expression of certain autistic traits? (I’m thinking along Aristotelian lines, in case anybody can follow.) Is that a good to be pursued? I'm getting the idea it just might not be. Though, I must have habituated fairly well; my stepson who teaches special education doesn't see evidence of it. (Pragmatic stepson: "What traits? Everybody's got traits.")

I’m really struggling with accepting that I might be on the spectrum. I mean, it was funny when my uncle couldn’t sort out his fifty-year-old clothing collection. I sat with him all day, creating a multi-point checklist for him and for every single shirt saying something like: “okay, let’s start over. Do you think you will wear that in the next six months? Does it show signs of wear? Do you like it?” It’s also kind of sad. I saw his notebook. He had begun writing out some complicated engineering notes for some kind of manual and it was mostly full. It was clearly old. I asked him what advancements had been made in that corner of his field since he began the notebook. “None, really.” I told him he should finish it. I’d rather he finish something like that, than struggle over what shirts to keep and what to get rid of.

What I’ve learned is, I don’t think I want to have any autistic traits. It’s a bit too late for that, now, isn’t it?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

What I’ve learned is, I don’t think I want to have any autistic traits. It’s a bit too late for that, now, isn’t it?

Uh, not to put too fine a point on it, . . . . . No.

I am of the mind that one does not become habituated to some traits that create anxiety over time, mitigating their impact. What I have both seen here and experienced, is changing one's relationship to that trait when there is a serious goal to attain.

For me, it was an intimate relationship. Like you I was adverse to touch, and hugging was out of the question. When I decided to date and worked on myself, I decided to enjoy it. I was thrilled when a woman held my hand, then got into hugging . . . and then kissing . . . and I desired more . . . found it in a friend who became my spouse.

I hope you will reignite your art, I see so many artists selling on etsy and on their own sites. I am in awe of such creative talent. I am far too down to earth and my talent was to ensure manufacturing processes did not introduce risks to the people using drugs and devices. Pretty banal. And, here I am looking at a print of the Junction of the Pilgrim's Road to Ise at Seki, no. 48, by Hiroshige. The composition is entrancing: the textures, the people under load along this road, the perspective, the framing, the context7. I marvel at the inspiration and execution, and I wish my thoughts could be as sublime. After this pic I framed it with all archival materials. It is far brighter than this.

 

[GypsyMoth]

Uh, not to put too fine a point on it, . . . . . No.

I am of the mind that one does not become habituated to some traits that create anxiety over time, mitigating their impact. What I have both seen here and experienced, is changing one's relationship to that trait when there is a serious goal to attain.

Thank you for that. I have been thinking lately about behavior inhibition and, something I don't think is a real term, behavior promotion. I'm sure there are other ways, too, to change one's relationship to their traits. In the long run, I'd like to strike a better balance.

...

I hope you will reignite your art, I see so many artists selling on etsy and on their own sites. I am in awe of such creative talent. I am far too down to earth and my talent was to ensure manufacturing processes did not introduce risks to the people using drugs and devices. Pretty banal. And, here I am looking at a print of the Junction of the Pilgrim's Road to Ise at Seki, no. 48, by Hiroshige. The composition is entrancing: the textures, the people under load along this road, the perspective, the framing, the context7. I marvel at the inspiration and execution, and I wish my thoughts could be as sublime. After this pic I framed it with all archival materials. It is far brighter than this.View attachment 84740

That's beautiful. How old is it? Look also at the painting's use of positive and negative space amid its swaths of darks and lights. What is, and what isn't, is laid out in a series of rising horizontals. First, the dark rising horizontals: the full, paired trees at the bottom contrast with the four, more sparse pines with horizontal boughs and the horizontal cloud shadow on the hill (midground), to the broad-based mountain. Opposite this are the light rising horizontals: the path with the people in white hats, the buildings, and the curling fog. (Or, possibly and more likely, the fog is actually woodfire smoke, which hangs low and white in the hollows on cold mornings). These opposites culminate in the top third of the painting, above the mountain, where the rising, waving column of birds darkly silhouetted plays opposite the angular, jutting cloud. (It's easier to point to than write about.) What's most striking to me is the arrangement. I was taught that arrangements of smaller groupings in odd numbers were more interesting to the eye, yet here we have multiple pairs of pairs. The only oddly numbered image is that of the mountain overall, yet its lines are softened by a series of more-or-less symmetrically paired peaks. I like it. I like it because it seems to be saying that it's in the minimal spaces in which we find everyday meaning. It's a very complex painting. May I ask, are you a curator now?

Thank you for your encouragement. If I have time this weekend, maybe I'll upload one of my watercolors and send it to you through the forum's email server. It's just student art, there's nothing great about it (it's all flawed), but I enjoyed trying to make something beautiful.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Thank you for that. I have been thinking lately about behavior inhibition and, something I don't think is a real term, behavior promotion. I'm sure there are other ways, too, to change one's relationship to their traits. In the long run, I'd like to strike a better balance.


That's beautiful. How old is it? Look also at the painting's use of positive and negative space amid its swaths of darks and lights. What is, and what isn't, is laid out in a series of rising horizontals. First, the dark rising horizontals: the full, paired trees at the bottom contrast with the four, more sparse pines with horizontal boughs and the horizontal cloud shadow on the hill (midground), to the broad-based mountain. Opposite this are the light rising horizontals: the path with the people in white hats, the buildings, and the curling fog. (Or, possibly and more likely, the fog is actually woodfire smoke, which hangs low and white in the hollows on cold mornings). These opposites culminate in the top third of the painting, above the mountain, where the rising, waving column of birds darkly silhouetted plays opposite the angular, jutting cloud. (It's easier to point to than write about.) What's most striking to me is the arrangement. I was taught that arrangements of smaller groupings in odd numbers were more interesting to the eye, yet here we have multiple pairs of pairs. The only oddly numbered image is that of the mountain overall, yet its lines are softened by a series of more-or-less symmetrically paired peaks. I like it. I like it because it seems to be saying that it's in the minimal spaces in which we find everyday meaning. It's a very complex painting. May I ask, are you a curator now?

Thank you for your encouragement. If I have time this weekend, maybe I'll upload one of my watercolors and send it to you through the forum's email server. It's just student art, there's nothing great about it (it's all flawed), but I enjoyed trying to make something beautiful.

Thank you for your fine analysis of the composition. From the printers Hanko, it was from about 1850, though there are reprints of it as late as 1915. I am no curator, but A special interest of mine is woodblock prints. This is a style known as Ukiyo-e. I also like seeing the more modern style of Shin Hanga. I like the modern artist, Suezan Aikins (Canadian) and have her "Tombo" which has about 19 color layers.

My spouse and I enjoy supporting local artists, and not so local. I believe that art adds grace to life, and I have rescued some pieces. Here is a Mexican woodblock print I rescued from an attic, just because the geometric patches of color reminded me of Pfenninger.

 

[GypsyMoth]

Hi @Gerald Wilgus, that is really neat. I watched my mom prepare a lithograph for printing when she was in art school. It was a wonderful process, watching her hand-carve the medium to create the reverse image. But I have no memory of watching her run the prints. or even of the prints themselves.

Thank you for your fine analysis of the composition. From the printers Hanko, it was from about 1850, though there are reprints of it as late as 1915. I am no curator, but A special interest of mine is woodblock prints. This is a style known as Ukiyo-e. I also like seeing the more modern style of Shin Hanga. I like the modern artist, Suezan Aikins (Canadian) and have her "Tombo" which has about 19 color layers.

Ooo--I Googled her. How minimalistic, yet expressive! I particularly liked "budding," with the crows in the corkscrew willow. ... Wow--Tombo is beautiful. I don't know much about how block printing itself, so I'm afraid its complexity and the true appreciation of its processes are lost on me.

My spouse and I enjoy supporting local artists, and not so local. I believe that art adds grace to life, and I have rescued some pieces. Here is a Mexican woodblock print I rescued from an attic, just because the geometric patches of color reminded me of Pfenninger.View attachment 84761

That is really wonderful that your wife supports you in this. I started collecting beach scenes for a time--my husband, too, was keeping an eye out for them for me--then the price began going up. Oh well!

Thanks for sharing!