Hi everyone, new here

[Confusedntn]

Hello everyone, & Happy New Year! I hope we all have a blessed year.

I’m a NT woman, that is in a (?) friendship/? with this gentleman who I have no doubt is on the spectrum- very high functioning. Please know, I work in healthcare, and I’m quite familiar with HFA symptoms.. though.. as a (?) possible romantic interest.. I’m quite confused, unsure how to proceed,. My emotions are all over the place when I think of him. We’re both in our mid 60’s.. I’ve been married once- Div a # of years. He’s never been married. He’s very stunted.. emotionally, reminds me in certain ways of a 12-14yo boy. We have a few common interests, DIY’s.. on our homes, horses, (though since my divorce I have none). We’re both kind of quiet.

I “love” everything about him, his quirky way of talking, seriousness , almost flat affect sprinkled with humor that I “get”. .. his bluntness.. “Ok give me a hug, then you can leave”.. ‍
However.. other than seeming to “panic”( make a panicked call.. asking me if we “can still be ok”) I get nothing.. I have simply no idea if he likes me “romantically “.. or as a friend. I feel reeally unsure about thaat.

When we see each other .. it’s after some type discussion about our mutual interest.. and I bluntly, openly tell him I’d love to see that, or watch him do that or show him my project, etc. otherwise, he doesn’t say anything remotely close .. that he’d “like to see me”, or “would you like to do such & such”.. Except, he seems to use/need a reason , a concrete reason to bring up , for example.. Call me with medical questions.. help, then..blurt out that when I’d said such and such.. it made him take a step back.. type things. I explain it to him.. and we’re good., or he blurts out wanting to see how I did such & such..

I take 1 day at a time… 1 step I guess, at a time… being his friend. But occasionally a sad doubt will come along- not about my feelings for him, but about “what this friendship is” We’ve known each other 7 months. (10 years ago he was a hospital administrator, we met, knew ea other briefly. At functions, work.. he’d see me, make a beeline, hug.. we exchanged #’s, he’d call, text several times a week.. but say very little. His texts were very basic, just ‍type things. It didn’t click he was HFA.. and I stopped all contact, he never asked me out, or asked about me. I assumed he was a player)

Anyway… a couple of months ago.. I told him this friendship may not be working, bc it didn’t seem he was interested in seeing me , etc etc.. that I felt I was pushing myself on him, and felt awkward. I told him I had feelings growing for him., and didn’t want to be hurt. He simply told me he was sorry I felt that way. But he calls me the next day.. sounding panicked/different, asking if “We can still be good”

Then.. we start again. I guess I need understanding.. support? I’ve had people in another Autism group.. tell me essentially that he’s like a 12yo boy in a man’s body with sexual urges, and “only wants sex from you”. “Only receptive to you for thaat”.

I’m devastated, confused when I hear that, I’m not sexually active, I don’t believe in casual intimacy. It freaks me out.. then I start backing away from him.. and he steps forward..

Any insight would be much appreciated. I know HFA individuals as well as NT individuals.. are all different.

Thank you everyone.

 

[Outdated]

There could be all sorts of reasons. Many of us take a bit of time to assess what our own feelings are. When I was a teenager many girls would ask me "What are you thinking?" and I was unable to answer. I didn't know what I was thinking, I was convinced they were trying to play silly little girl head games with me.

Many of us hate talking on the phone. I don't even have a phone anymore because I found constant text messages too intrusive, yet I communicate very well in a face to face situation. I'm a high function ASD2 by the way. And I'm 57 years old, there's a bit more to consider than just ASD, there's also Grumpy Old Man Syndrome.

I wouldn't mind another romantic relationship but there is no way on this earth that I will ever submit to a Live Together type situation again. I would not be able to cope with that at all, I need my space.

 

[Human Avatar]

@Confusedntn

Sounds like you got some bad information from that Autism group. Yes socially some ASD males can be equivalent to a 13 year old .Depends if we feel like masking .

But pertaining to intelligence and intellect we can be average or highly intelligent.

This is a common problem with NT women falling in love with with ND men , most are attracted to our Autistic traits . But those are not all rainbows and butterflies like in TV shows . Like “ Sheldon Big Bang Theory “

Best advice I can tell you is somehow forget all the ways you naturally learned to socialize, And understand he has a different brain type , different operating system compared to you .
Direct and to the point . Example , “I need this from you if you want to move forward”

Don’t expect him to know . Maybe try writing directly to the point instead of verbal conversation . Remember extract all verbal and written social cues, This way he can read it over and over to get your point and respond accordingly . Dont hope he will do and respond to what you are thinking magically .

Direct-Simple - communication
Don’t assume ,
My facial expressions don’t always line up with what I am thinking .

I have lots of books to help if you need recommendations.
There are many Neuro diverse couples. And they make it work.

Obviously, this is only relevant if he is autistic

 

[tree]

 

[Magna]

Wow. I'm reeling from hearing that an "autism group" made such an offensive and untrue statement that he (representing part of a group) has the mental, emotional, etc capacity of a 12 year old and only wants you for sex. That kind of an offensive statement is very disturbing.

Mixed-neurological relationships can work. However, they have their own set of challenges and compromises that is most typical in same-neurological relationships.

In reading what you wrote I have to ask a "soul-searching" type of question that only you truly know the answer to: Assume you both actually do start a romantic relationship. Assume you two, through mutual work and respect, overcome or at least try to be mindful of challenges in your relationship. Do you think there is a possibility (probability?) that with this man you could ultimately in the long term, yearn on a fundamental level that he was different than he is? If so, please do him a favor (both of you?) to avoid pursuing romance with him. That would be a terrible situation in a relationship for him. I would say that it would be a terrible situation for you as well, but there are people out there that actually thrive on drama and on martyrdom. I'm not saying that's you. I don't know you. I'm saying that that does happen.

Also, be careful in diagnosing (labeling?) someone else about anything even based on your healthcare background.

People who place high value and need on things like emotional, non-verbals, implied rather than direct communication, regular and intense verbal communication, little to no need for solitary time are not compatible with autistic people who (always exceptions) are logical, not able to read non-verbals or not able to read them well), direct and literal communicators, people who have issues with frequent direct "real time" verbal communication and need a greater than average amount of solitary time,

Here's the thing: The person who needs all of the former is perfectly justified in wanting/needing those things in a relationship. Equally so, and of equal importance, the person who does not need/want the latter is perfectly justified in not wanting/needing those things. in a relationship. Neither way is "wrong". One should not and has no right to judge the other in that regard.

 

[Confusedntn]

Wow. I'm reeling from hearing that an "autism group" made such an offensive and untrue statement that he (representing part of a group) has the mental, emotional, etc capacity of a 12 year old and only wants you for sex. That kind of an offensive statement is very disturbing.

Mixed-neurological relationships can work. However, they have their own set of challenges and compromises that is most typical in same-neurological relationships.

In reading what you wrote I have to ask a "soul-searching" type of question that only you truly know the answer to: Assume you both actually do start a romantic relationship. Assume you two, through mutual work and respect, overcome or at least try to be mindful of challenges in your relationship. Do you think there is a possibility (probability?) that with this man you could ultimately in the long term, yearn on a fundamental level that he was different than he is? If so, please do him a favor (both of you?) to avoid pursuing romance with him. That would be a terrible situation in a relationship for him. I would say that it would be a terrible situation for you as well, but there are people out there that actually thrive on drama and on martyrdom. I'm not saying that's you. I don't know you. I'm saying that that does happen.

Also, be careful in diagnosing (labeling?) someone else about anything even based on your healthcare background.

People who place high value and need on things like emotional, non-verbals, implied rather than direct communication, regular and intense verbal communication, little to no need for solitary time are not compatible with autistic people who (always exceptions) are logical, not able to read non-verbals or not able to read them well), direct and literal communicators, people who have issues with frequent direct "real time" verbal communication and need a greater than average amount of solitary time,

Here's the thing: The person who needs all of the former is perfectly justified in wanting/needing those things in a relationship. Equally so, and of equal importance, the person who does not need/want the latter is perfectly justified in not wanting/needing those things. in a relationship. Neither way is "wrong". One should not and has no right to judge the other in that regard.

Hi, thank you so much for responding. I want to mention, about “diagnosing/labeling” someone. I don’t do that. .. his sister confided the diagnosis to me. I’m trying to not give identifiable info is all. I actually had merely thought he talked different- the HFA/etc hadn’t crossed my mind. No, I didn’t ask his sister, she confided that. I won’t give the dozens more “clues”.
Also, I NEED my alone time- probably more so than most people. I hate talking on the phone. I never text him/ he texts me.. and I respond very briefly. I’m a very private, quiet person. We have that in common. I’m a very passive person, I don’t like crowds, and senseless chitchat. Lol
I’m actually very empathetic and in tune to others emotions , feelings, etc.
I didn’t come here (or the other group) for “understanding, learning how to make this man change and be “more this/ that/ etc” im just completely lost. Im just trying to navigate through … process all this confusion is all.
Im simply trying to understand this gentleman. I don’t try to change anyone.
It’s very very difficult explaining something here… without giving identifying information. I felt if I’d said “well, his family told me”.. then it would have appeared I’d been snooping.
I genuinely feel confused. Not trying to change him, expect more, dive in…wasn’t labeling or judging — nothing like that.

 

[Confusedntn]

Hi, thank you so much for responding. I want to mention, about “diagnosing/labeling” someone. I don’t do that. .. his sister confided the diagnosis to me. I’m trying to not give identifiable info is all. I actually had merely thought he talked different- the HFA/etc hadn’t crossed my mind. No, I didn’t ask his sister, she confided that. I won’t give the dozens more “clues”.
Also, I NEED my alone time- probably more so than most people. I hate talking on the phone. I never text him/ he texts me.. and I respond very briefly. I’m a very private, quiet person. We have that in common. I’m a very passive person, I don’t like crowds, and senseless chitchat. Lol
I’m actually very empathetic and in tune to others emotions , feelings, etc.
I didn’t come here (or the other group) for “understanding, learning how to make this man change and be “more this/ that/ etc” im just completely lost. Im just trying to navigate through … process all this confusion is all.
Im simply trying to understand this gentleman. I don’t try to change anyone.
It’s very very difficult explaining something here… without giving identifying information. I felt if I’d said “well, his family told me”.. then it would have appeared I’d been snooping.
I genuinely feel confused. Not trying to change him, expect more, dive in…wasn’t labeling or judging — nothing like that.

Oops.. I forgot to add.
I don’t expect, crave, like, love demand

Wow. I'm reeling from hearing that an "autism group" made such an offensive and untrue statement that he (representing part of a group) has the mental, emotional, etc capacity of a 12 year old and only wants you for sex. That kind of an offensive statement is very disturbing.

Mixed-neurological relationships can work. However, they have their own set of challenges and compromises that is most typical in same-neurological relationships.

In reading what you wrote I have to ask a "soul-searching" type of question that only you truly know the answer to: Assume you both actually do start a romantic relationship. Assume you two, through mutual work and respect, overcome or at least try to be mindful of challenges in your relationship. Do you think there is a possibility (probability?) that with this man you could ultimately in the long term, yearn on a fundamental level that he was different than he is? If so, please do him a favor (both of you?) to avoid pursuing romance with him. That would be a terrible situation in a relationship for him. I would say that it would be a terrible situation for you as well, but there are people out there that actually thrive on drama and on martyrdom. I'm not saying that's you. I don't know you. I'm saying that that does happen.

Also, be careful in diagnosing (labeling?) someone else about anything even based on your healthcare background.

People who place high value and need on things like emotional, non-verbals, implied rather than direct communication, regular and intense verbal communication, little to no need for solitary time are not compatible with autistic people who (always exceptions) are logical, not able to read non-verbals or not able to read them well), direct and literal communicators, people who have issues with frequent direct "real time" verbal communication and need a greater than average amount of solitary time,

Here's the thing: The person who needs all of the former is perfectly justified in wanting/needing those things in a relationship. Equally so, and of equal importance, the person who does not need/want the latter is perfectly justified in not wanting/needing those things. in a relationship. Neither way is "wrong". One should not and has no right to judge the other in that regard.

We also have this in common. I don’t read non verbal well at all. I speak very bluntly, direct.. I’ve been accused of being too abrasive. Actually this gentleman has commented on that lol
Anyway, thanks for the info!

 

[Confusedntn]

@Confusedntn

Sounds like you got some bad information from that Autism group. Yes socially some ASD males can be equivalent to a 13 year old .Depends if we feel like masking .

But pertaining to intelligence and intellect we can be average or highly intelligent.

This is a common problem with NT women falling in love with with ND men , most are attracted to our Autistic traits . But those are not all rainbows and butterflies like in TV shows . Like “ Sheldon Big Bang Theory “

Best advice I can tell you is somehow forget all the ways you naturally learned to socialize, And understand he has a different brain type , different operating system compared to you .
Direct and to the point . Example , “I need this from you if you want to move forward”

Don’t expect him to know . Maybe try writing directly to the point instead of verbal conversation . Remember extract all verbal and written social cues, This way he can read it over and over to get your point and respond accordingly . Dont hope he will do and respond to what you are thinking magically .

Direct-Simple - communication
Don’t assume ,
My facial expressions don’t always line up with what I am thinking .

I have lots of books to help if you need recommendations.
There are many Neuro diverse couples. And they make it work.

Obviously, this is only relevant if he is autistic

Hi, tysm! Great information. (Grumpy old man syndrome, lol)
Yes, any books you could suggest would be wonderful. I’m just taking it slow.. and actually not “pursuing him”, he can reach out if he wants to connect. I respond to his texts, but they’re pretty much -> a smiley face, rose, or other emoji.
When he calls.. I return the call. But I’m sure he needs his alone time, actually, I do too.
Thanks!

 

[Human Avatar]

Hi, tysm! Great information. (Grumpy old man syndrome, lol)
Yes, any books you could suggest would be wonderful. I’m just taking it slow.. and actually not “pursuing him”, he can reach out if he wants to connect. I respond to his texts, but they’re pretty much -> a smiley face, rose, or other emoji.
When he calls.. I return the call. But I’m sure he needs his alone time, actually, I do too.
Thanks!

No problem - Me personally I have always had trouble knowing if someone is interested in me. I have missed many cues from women letting me know .
Also I have had a past relationship leave me but years later she told me I was supposed to chase or pursue.
This I do not understand and seems very confusing. And how am I supposed to know that .

He like me may not understand the standard social conventions. Of men having to pursue. In most cultures .

I have been lucky with women ,they sometimes get very frustrated and then they become very direct and then I understand . Or I have them approach me first. The social dance is so complicated. And even when one thinks it is figured out enough to function , another unknown variable has been put in place and the whole system is worthless.


A Rose is a sign of love ? Well that I imagine would be a positive sign ?

We may really want to connect but don’t really know how to properly all the time.

 

[VictorR]

Welcome.

I concur with the other comments that the commentary from the other group is at best, rather unrepresentative and seems rooted in a number of misunderstandings and conflation.

It seems that both of you are open to being "just friends" and if that's the case, that sounds fine.

Not everyone wants to be in a romantic relationship, and some, especially if they're never been in one and never really cared to be in one, might have no idea on what to do if someone was making advances (or to even recognize said advances).

 

[Confusedntn]

No problem - Me personally I have always had trouble knowing if someone is interested in me. I have missed many cues from women letting me know .
Also I have had a past relationship leave me but years later she told me I was supposed to chase or pursue.
This I do not understand and seems very confusing. And how am I supposed to know that .

He like me may not understand the standard social conventions. Of men having to pursue. In most cultures .

I have been lucky with women ,they sometimes get very frustrated and then they become very direct and then I understand . Or I have them approach me first. The social dance is so complicated. And even when one thinks it is figured out enough to function , another unknown variable has been put in place and the whole system is worthless.


A Rose is a sign of love ? Well that I imagine would be a positive sign ?

We may really want to connect but don’t really know how to properly all the time.

Yeah, it’s so difficult. The funny thing is.. I don’t read “flirting/interest” cues either. ‍ lol unless the gentleman comes right out and asks me out , it’ goes straight over my head., so .. with this *friendship, I feel we’re both probably walking around in the dark.
I just .. I don’t know. I suspect he doesn’t know either.
I appreciate you helping me comprehend some of this, if he is in fact on the spectrum.

 

[Human Avatar]

Yeah, it’s so difficult. The funny thing is.. I don’t read “flirting/interest” cues either. ‍ lol unless the gentleman comes right out and asks me out , it’ goes straight over my head., so .. with this *friendship, I feel we’re both probably walking around in the dark.
I just .. I don’t know. I suspect he doesn’t know either.
I appreciate you helping me comprehend some of this, if he is in fact on the spectrum.

Very interesting. Seems you have things on common . You are welcome