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Hi I'm New Here

pandora

pandora

New Member
Hello,
I've been in an on-and-off relationship with a man for several years now. I hadn't seen or heard from him in over a year when he found a way to reach out to me a couple weeks ago to let me know he had learned he has Aspergers.
All of the puzzle pieces dropped into place!
Through conversation with him, I have realized that I have some Aspie traits as well. I feel a universe of understanding opening up to us and it's both calming and terrifying; calming because of a growing understanding that I've never had with anyone before and terrifying because this is vast uncharted territory!
Anyway, it's interesting to learn about this forum and that we can be connected in our aloneness- aloneness which has never bothered me, by the way, and is actually preferable to me. In spite of this, I am drawn here by the growth and increased emotional intelligence I am seeing in my man that are being helped through this kind of communication. I hope to both experience and encourage the same in others by being here.
 
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Welcome. I'm glad it's given both of you some understanding of how he works and why things worked out like they did.

Now, I don't want to discourage you from getting an answer to if you're also autistic but just bear in mind that everyone can relate to every condition to a degree. Females and autism is a tricky one because the definitions of autistic females isn't laid out very clearly and there's a lot of grey as to what is and isn't autistic behaviour.

That being said I hope you find out the truth and that you too are happy regardless of if you become a couple again. I'm sure you both deserve happiness.
 
Hi Pandora!!! Welcome to Aspies Central!!
Sorry you had such difficulty with your boyfriend. We have a lot of nice men on here that can probably help you understand how his mind works and better ways to deal with him.
 
Southern Discomfort said:
Welcome. I'm glad it's given both of you some understanding of how he works and why things worked out like they did.

Now, I don't want to discourage you from getting an answer to if you're also autistic but just bear in mind that everyone can relate to every condition to a degree. Females and autism is a tricky one because the definitions of autistic females isn't laid out very clearly and there's a lot of grey as to what is and isn't autistic behaviour.

That being said I hope you find out the truth and that you too are happy regardless of if you become a couple again. I'm sure you both deserve happiness.
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Thank you for your kind words and support. I found out last week that when I had genetic testing done as a child for another condition, that my parents were told that the genes for autism were usually present with my condition. They never told me. So, I am going to be getting an evaluation done in order to have the tools to move forward more effectively.
 
pandora said:
Thank you for your kind words and support. I found out last week that when I had genetic testing done as a child for another condition, that my parents were told that the genes for autism were usually present with my condition. They never told me. So, I am going to be getting an evaluation done in order to have the tools to move forward more effectively.
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Www.23andme.com just pay for the ancestry to get your DNA Data. Then connect through www.promethease.com and for a very small fee they will bounce your DNA Data against every published DNA study and provide a tool to analyze: Select "personality" and also look at "autism" to begin your discovery of your own DNA and what it could mean. Yes, I've done mine, the scientist have about thirty years to figure out a solution for Alzheimer's before I get really pissed.
 
'Lo Pandora, and welcome to this wonderful online community. I'm glad you're gaining more insight on Asperger's and have someone to connect to. I've always been on my own in this regard, everyone around me has always been NT. Until now, because I came across AC at the beginning of June and joined soon after being told by my psychologist that I have Asperger's. I've always known I was different from everyone around me but I'm only now embarking on a new journey - so much uncharted territory for me as well. Knowing I have Asperger's has yielded so many answers to why I am the way I am. Let us know if you need any advice!

I've been alone throughout the majority of my life; at the beginning I was actually a loner by choice, and only had one childhood friend who moved away later. In my early to mid 20's I was coming out of my shell for reasons unbeknownst to me but that didn't change the fact that my social skills have been extremely poor, and that created such a mess for me in college that I ended up pushing so many people away by behaving in a very off-putting manner without even realizing it until a professor and a few other students invited me in for an intervention. I became a social outcast and ended up more alone than ever, this time not by choice. That led to a slight improvement but I've got a long, long way to go still. So many people still get very fed up with me, to this very day.

I don't like being alone anymore. I have a very small number of friends who appreciate me but I can't hang out with them every weekend. I've been so demanding of them but I stopped because that might push them away too; but only with my doc's advice, I'm really bad at understanding the mind of an NT on my own. If I don't get to hang out with them every weekend, I just feel so alone and I can't take it anymore. I'm almost 30 years old, and that's way too long a time to be alone. When I visit this site, I feel right at home and the lonely feeling just goes away. I really wish I could meet the people on this forum in real life and just hang out with them.

I'm glad you're in a relationship; I did say that I'm almost 30 years old, but I also happen to have never dated. Not only did I never date anyone, but I haven't even gone on a date - period. For a long time I haven't had any interest in dating, but it'd be cool if I went on a first date in the near future. My father is thinking about introducing me to someone later in the year, in fact. This brought up a question for me - whenever I go on my first date ever, should I tell her straight out that I'm an Aspie?
 
Tyrantus1212 said:
'Lo Pandora, and welcome to this wonderful online community. I'm glad you're gaining more insight on Asperger's and have someone to connect to. I've always been on my own in this regard, everyone around me has always been NT. Until now, because I came across AC at the beginning of June and joined soon after being told by my psychologist that I have Asperger's. I've always known I was different from everyone around me but I'm only now embarking on a new journey - so much uncharted territory for me as well. Knowing I have Asperger's has yielded so many answers to why I am the way I am. Let us know if you need any advice!

I've been alone throughout the majority of my life; at the beginning I was actually a loner by choice, and only had one childhood friend who moved away later. In my early to mid 20's I was coming out of my shell for reasons unbeknownst to me but that didn't change the fact that my social skills have been extremely poor, and that created such a mess for me in college that I ended up pushing so many people away by behaving in a very off-putting manner without even realizing it until a professor and a few other students invited me in for an intervention. I became a social outcast and ended up more alone than ever, this time not by choice. That led to a slight improvement but I've got a long, long way to go still. So many people still get very fed up with me, to this very day.

I don't like being alone anymore. I have a very small number of friends who appreciate me but I can't hang out with them every weekend. I've been so demanding of them but I stopped because that might push them away too; but only with my doc's advice, I'm really bad at understanding the mind of an NT on my own. If I don't get to hang out with them every weekend, I just feel so alone and I can't take it anymore. I'm almost 30 years old, and that's way too long a time to be alone. When I visit this site, I feel right at home and the lonely feeling just goes away. I really wish I could meet the people on this forum in real life and just hang out with them.

I'm glad you're in a relationship; I did say that I'm almost 30 years old, but I also happen to have never dated. Not only did I never date anyone, but I haven't even gone on a date - period. For a long time I haven't had any interest in dating, but it'd be cool if I went on a first date in the near future. My father is thinking about introducing me to someone later in the year, in fact. This brought up a question for me - whenever I go on my first date ever, should I tell her straight out that I'm an Aspie?
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Wait and check her out first before you tell her, I think.
 
Yes! Especially if she is NT.
Thank you for the welcome and for sharing some of your story:)

In hindsight, I think many misunderstandings and much sadness could have been averted if my partner and I had known he has AS. I tend to take his behavior personally and so many times where he didn't express emotion or shut down and retreated from me, I though it was rejection. I see now that it's more likely that he was just trying to process what we were experiencing together or was simply overwhelmed trying to balance my needs and his workplace stress.
Lying about yourself from the start will only set you up for suffering. Be honest about who you are and increased understanding will lead to closeness.
 
pandora said:
Yes! Especially if she is NT.
Thank you for the welcome and for sharing some of your story:)

In hindsight, I think many misunderstandings and much sadness could have been averted if my partner and I had known he has AS. I tend to take his behavior personally and so many times where he didn't express emotion or shut down and retreated from me, I though it was rejection. I see now that it's more likely that he was just trying to process what we were experiencing together or was simply overwhelmed trying to balance my needs and his workplace stress.
Lying about yourself from the start will only set you up for suffering. Be honest about who you are and increased understanding will lead to closeness.
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It is sad that such a nice person as yourself suffered from not knowing that your ex was an Aspie. One of the reasons why he probably did not share that he has Aspergers is because he had bitter experience with what often happens when he shared that in the past.

Many of the people on this forum have had personal experience with awful rejection and even bullying due to being "outed" over an Aspie diagnosis. We do not lie about it, but are reluctant to tell others. Waiting a little to sort of test the waters with a boyfriend or girlfriend is a lot safer for us.

It might be compared with being reluctant to touch a stove because of having been burned. It is not meant to be harmful by withholding information, just self protection.
 
Alaska said:
It is sad that such a nice person as yourself suffered from not knowing that your ex was an Aspie. One of the reasons why he probably did not share that he has Aspergers is because he had bitter experience with what often happens when he shared that in the past.

Many of the people on this forum have had personal experience with awful rejection and even bullying due to being "outed" over an Aspie diagnosis. We do not lie about it, but are reluctant to tell others. Waiting a little to sort of test the waters with a boyfriend or girlfriend is a lot safer for us.

It might be compared with being reluctant to touch a stove because of having been burned. It is not meant to be harmful by withholding information, just self protection.
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Oh, my boyfriend didn't know then (when we were last together) that he was an Aspie. He just found out within the past year and recently reached out to me to let me know.
And I also am not always so nice. I take responsibility for my part in things not working out before.

You make a good point about testing the waters first. I guess if you think there is chemistry, then tell. Just don't wait too long.
 
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