Hi!

[inlalaland]

My mother raised six of us 4 high functioning, she never put much thought into how to raise us I remember once finding a book by a well known doctor "Spock" in the 1950's on raising kids, basically she just ran on instinct coming from a family of 12 herself 6 brothers 5 sisters. My advice having raised two boys do not over think If he is high functioning let him find his interests indulge if able. First indication will be hyperlexia, they bought us encyclopedias, which we all read from cover to cover.

Thank you. That is very simple and I like simple. He has been reading from three! I definitely think he showed hyperlexia. I had googled about it before.

 

[inlalaland]

I suggest not forcing him to try and fit in with other kids if things don't work out so well there. My father made me join boy scouts and threatened me with being sent to a boarding school if I didn't join the local baseball team, it's still not forgotten or forgiven 50 years later.

Many of us suffer very poorly in "social" settings as kids due to our lack of social maturity, in that area we're often about 5 years behind all the other kids. We're very vulnerable to emotional, physical and sexual abuse when forced to play with kids who are socially much more developed than us.

At age 12 I was often correcting my teachers in class but my social maturity was that of an 8 year old.

Oh gosh. I'm sorry you dealt with that. I am learning this today about the maturity. Had no idea about the specifics. I find it interesting the psychologist we used suggested he get involved in a pre-k setting with his "typically developing" peers. I guess it's to also see how it goes. I worry about school. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Aspychata]

But the bullies of yesterday are no more, the bullies now are quite harsh, and gang up in cliques. My daughter would go out with other homeschool kids who met up to swim at the community pool. She took piano lessons, than took violin lessons. She also tried martial arts, and ice skating lessons.

 

[inlalaland]

I am by no means high functioning as I appear, I'm lvl 2. My disabilities are pretty invisible but definitely not to me once I got to know them. I have suffered greatly in the face of daily life.

Sounds like your first kid, you're unfamiliar with child behavior. Since he got diagnosed it really doesn't matter whatever is normal behavior and whatever is not, and you might never be able to tell until he has self awareness and knows himself and his autism, and don't worry unless it's something that has negative consequences.

Welcome.

You got it right, he is my first born. I have a two year old as well and so many things have become clear now watching her grow and comparing their behaviors from the same ages. Thank you so much.

 

[inlalaland]

But the bullies of yesterday are no lmore the bullies now are quite harsh, and gang up in cliques. My daughter would go out with other homeschool kids who met up to swim at the community pool. She took piano lessons, than took violin lessons. She also tried martial arts, and ice skating lessons.

For sure. When my son was just three we took him to a trunk or treat. He got upset because he slid down a slide that was there and landed on his butt. These two boys who were significantly older were obviously laughing at him because he was upset. I have never glared so hard at kids in my life. They looked right at me and were very aware that I was watching them. I was so upset by that and all I could think was "my gosh, he is only three and isn't even in his school years yet." And that was well before the autism diagnosis. I'm going to continue to suggest homeschool. My husband will likely continue to suggest the structure, socialization etc of traditional school. He has said that he wants our son to learn how to face adversity and I agree but there is a fine line.

 

[Richelle-H]

Welcome to the forum for as long as you find it of use.

I have little to add to what others have already shared, but as I grew up in a time when Asperger's (my official diagnosis) was little known or understood, I grew up pretty much without any support other than my mother. I do have a vivid memory that my mother must have had suspicions early on. She took me for an evaluation when I was six. The gentleman was a family friend and I had gone to Kindergarten with his son, so he was not an unknown and I was consequently not at all anxious. I was given a number of tests to gage my intelligence and reasoning. What I remember is that he told my parents I had the rational thought processes of an adult. My mother also told me, much later in life, that when I finally spoke, as a child, it was in complete sentences.

I was schooled in parochial school and then a same sex high school, also run by a Catholic religious order. The education was superior, but I only learned to fake socialization. I always hated school, as it was too slow and boring for my tastes. I really did not start getting into socialization until I was in college.

I managed to get through it all, by way of my mother's good grace. She firmly supported every interest I had growing up. I would not be the person I am today without her influence. I do not believe she ever truly understood me, but I always felt her love and her support. I wish I had been a better daughter to her. I somewhat abdicated that position to my younger sister who was much more like her in temperament than I.

I suffered family gatherings, usually winding up somewhere on my own with a book. I always despised being stuck at the children's table at holidays, for there was nothing of interest there and I longed to be with the adults.

I could go on, but the thing is, your son will need to find his own way of interacting with the world. I used isolation as much as possible. I was more an observer storing information for later retrieval than actively engaged.

I was not diagnosed until my early forties. Had never had a reason to do so before someone pointed out that they thought I might be autistic. The take away from that is that I had a very good life before and it didn't improve in any significant way after.

My own view on this, which is based entirely on feelings I had growing up, is engage him in conversations as if he is mentally older than you might give him credit for in the moment. It will not be easy but things tend to evolve. Listen to him, share his interests as much as possible, but also expose him to things that you enjoy as well.

I wish you all the best on what I believe will be a fascinating journey for both of you.

 

[All-Rounder]

You got it right, he is my first born. I have a two year old as well and so many things have become clear now watching her grow and comparing their behaviors from the same ages. Thank you so much.

Keep in mind they are also individuals and even people who know autistic traits can mis-guess something that the person will say it's actually some other thing than interpreted. So be open to be mistaken and as he grows up encourage him when he communicates.

 

[All-Rounder]

To be honest being constantly monitored with a lot that I needed to say and do was so exhausting mentally because all the time mom trying to control me and if I didn't do it I'd get in trouble. So I felt like I couldn't even talk about it because I'd get threatened and beat up, I would just gather so much sorrow, hopelessness and stress, fear and it built up so much. I was truly miserable in an NT family and had no outlet.

And in spite I would continue to say thanks and hi even after I learned when I had to say hi and thanks. So I'd say thanks when mom would ask me "what do you say" when a stranger popped up. And I had to kiss and hug strangers mom would meet on the street, the woman knows the whole city. I hated those so much and the agenda being pushed on me.

Now I don't say hi anymore to neighbors, unless I want to and to those who are nice to me or mom. If they test me and insist I should I give them a break from the hi benefits just to push a point I'm in control of my actions and they don't get to dictate what's happening in my life. Then surprise them with hi's again to just let them know, hey, you can never guess my personality off of that.

 

[inlalaland]

Welcome to the forum for as long as you find it of use.

I have little to add to what others have already shared, but as I grew up in a time when Asperger's (my official diagnosis) was little known or understood, I grew up pretty much without any support other than my mother. I do have a vivid memory that my mother must have had suspicions early on. She took me for an evaluation when I was six. The gentleman was a family friend and I had gone to Kindergarten with his son, so he was not an unknown and I was consequently not at all anxious. I was given a number of tests to gage my intelligence and reasoning. What I remember is that he told my parents I had the rational thought processes of an adult. My mother also told me, much later in life, that when I finally spoke, as a child, it was in complete sentences.

I was schooled in parochial school and then a same sex high school, also run by a Catholic religious order. The education was superior, but I only learned to fake socialization. I always hated school, as it was too slow and boring for my tastes. I really did not start getting into socialization until I was in college.

I managed to get through it all, by way of my mother's good grace. She firmly supported every interest I had growing up. I would not be the person I am today without her influence. I do not believe she ever truly understood me, but I always felt her love and her support. I wish I had been a better daughter to her. I somewhat abdicated that position to my younger sister who was much more like her in temperament than I.

I suffered family gatherings, usually winding up somewhere on my own with a book. I always despised being stuck at the children's table at holidays, for there was nothing of interest there and I longed to be with the adults.

I could go on, but the thing is, your son will need to find his own way of interacting with the world. I used isolation as much as possible. I was more an observer storing information for later retrieval than actively engaged.

I was not diagnosed until my early forties. Had never had a reason to do so before someone pointed out that they thought I might be autistic. The take away from that is that I had a very good life before and it didn't improve in any significant way after.

My own view on this, which is based entirely on feelings I had growing up, is engage him in conversations as if he is mentally older than you might give him credit for in the moment. It will not be easy but things tend to evolve. Listen to him, share his interests as much as possible, but also expose him to things that you enjoy as well.

I wish you all the best on what I believe will be a fascinating journey for both of you.

Wow, thank you very much for sharing. It sounds like your mother was a wonderful woman and you were fortunate to have her.
My biggest fear for my son is making him uncomfortable in his daily life by sending him to school where it can be loud and kids can be mean and I really, really hope that he can be honest with my husband and I if he is uncomfortable attending a regular school as opposed to being homeschooled. I have gathered that school and socializing seem to be uncomfortable for a lot of autistic people. That worries me.
Thank you for the advice and well wishes, I have saved everyone's! And I am certainly going to turn to this page for more help in the future because I have already found everyone's words invaluable.

 

[inlalaland]

To be honest being constantly monitored with a lot that I needed to say and do was so exhausting mentally because all the time mom trying to control me and if I didn't do it I'd get in trouble. So I felt like I couldn't even talk about it because I'd get threatened and beat up, I would just gather so much sorrow, hopelessness and stress, fear and it built up so much. I was truly miserable in an NT family and had no outlet.

And in spite I would continue to say thanks and hi even after I learned when I had to say hi and thanks. So I'd say thanks when mom would ask me "what do you say" when a stranger popped up. And I had to kiss and hug strangers mom would meet on the street, the woman knows the whole city. I hated those so much and the agenda being pushed on me.

Now I don't say hi anymore to neighbors, unless I want to and to those who are nice to me or mom. If they test me and insist I should I give them a break from the hi benefits just to push a point I'm in control of my actions and they don't get to dictate what's happening in my life. Then surprise them with hi's again to just let them know, hey, you can never guess my personality off of that.

I'm sorry you experienced that, that sounds rough. I am making a conscious effort every day to only correct things that absolutely need corrected. And some things I'm still not so sure (besides nicely reminding him) if it's the best way to handle it. It's all definitely a learning experience and I know he will constantly teach me things in this journey. Much like everyone here has taught me a lot already.

 

[Peter Morrison]

I guess overall we try to "correct" the common courtesy type of things and anything that could harm him or someone else.

That's the smart thing to do. If a child can understand the real reason for a rule or the need to behave properly, they can better internalize it and incorporate their understanding into their lives. The ASD issues that concern you are more about him (his needs, preferences, and interests). What bothers us is not inappropriate, but rather a defense mechanism to protect what we must have, due to feelings of gross discomfort or fears. This is normal for all children, just more intense for ASD kids and adults. Life will always have disappointments and every mistake can be a learning opportunity. I was always an obedient child and that obedience extended into my whole life. Unfortunately, I was never taught to have confidence. That's a whole different story. I had an intellectual brain at a very early age, but I never had the advanced vocabulary to express myself on the same level as my thoughts. You might help your child develop vocabulary and grammatical structures by having conversations with him about his feelings and his observations. Kids know they are getting attention when the adults in their lives pay attention to them. I think it's great that you are giving so much attention to his development. There may be a lot of hidden talent in him, especially if he is ASD.

 

[inlalaland]

That's the smart thing to do. If a child can understand the real reason for a rule or the need to behave properly, they can better internalize it and incorporate their understanding into their lives. The ASD issues that concern you are more about him (his needs, preferences, and interests). What bothers us is not inappropriate, but rather a defense mechanism to protect what we must have, due to feelings of gross discomfort or fears. This is normal for all children, just more intense for ASD kids and adults. Life will always have disappointments and every mistake can be a learning opportunity. I was always an obedient child and that obedience extended into my whole life. Unfortunately, I was never taught to have confidence. That's a whole different story. I had an intellectual brain at a very early age, but I never had the advanced vocabulary to express myself on the same level as my thoughts. You might help your child develop vocabulary and grammatical structures by having conversations with him about his feelings and his observations. Kids know they are getting attention when the adults in their lives pay attention to them. I think it's great that you are giving so much attention to his development. There may be a lot of hidden talent in him, especially if he is ASD.

Thank you for sharing that. May I ask if confidence is something we should teach him as we would our other child who (as far as we know) isn't on the spectrum? I certainly want him to be confident.
The thing about fears. He is always so worried about his sister touching or "messing up" his toys when he leaves a room that she is in. And when we go places (this isn't a fear, I think it's a comfort thing) he takes a little bucket full of random things with him in the car and a few stuffed toys. And every time he needs it all or he will have a small meltdown. The items have changed but mostly grown in amount. It's things like that, and I've gotten off topic, that I assume are his autistic behaviors but then I wonder if it's a mix or just him being a four year old. And I probably sound so ignorant because I'm still learning so much but I hope anyone who reads anything I say understands that.

 

[Outdated]

A healthy ego is paramount if you want him to ever have any sort of social life, but it must be a genuine ego based on his own abilities and achievements. False self confidence will soon get ripped apart leaving him worse off.

For me that didn't start to happen until I left school and started learning a trade, I became an Offset Printer which used to be a very highly paid trade and I was paid higher than most. In social circles there's always people that will try to put you down and make you feel small, that's not easy to do when you get paid twice as much as them and if anyone in the workplace even looks to be upsetting you they get put out the front door with a week's pay in lieu of notice.

Cultural difference - in Australia skilled tradesmen are much more highly respected than someone with a fancy office title. Here if someone holds a middle management position they'll be very unlikely to admit such a thing in public because of the scorn and derision that will attract.

He is always so worried about his sister touching or "messing up" his toys when he leaves a room that she is in.

I remember where I put things. I don't have to try and remember where I had something last, I know where it is without having to think, and that's not because I keep everything in it's place, I'm quite a messy person really. If someone tidies up for me or moves any of my stuff then all of a sudden I have to go looking for everything and can't find anything. It's quite disturbing.

My sister has OCD and her room was always spotless and immaculately tidy and none of us were allowed in her room. Her room was so sterile though that she never played in there either and use to come in to our room and play with our toys so that her room wouldn't get messed up.

And when we go places (this isn't a fear, I think it's a comfort thing) he takes a little bucket full of random things with him in the car and a few stuffed toys. And every time he needs it all or he will have a small meltdown.

That will become an unhealthy habit if allowed to go on, I'd suggest slowly restricting that bit by bit until he gets over it. At his age it's very difficult to tell the difference between a genuine meltdown and just chucking a tantrum, but as he gets older it'll become easier for you to tell the difference. Learning that chucking tantrums gets you whatever you want is not a good thing.

All children try to be manipulative, if they're highly intelligent they're likely to be good at it.

 

[Mono]

Welcome!

 

[Peter Morrison]

Thank you for sharing that. May I ask if confidence is something we should teach him as we would our other child who (as far as we know) isn't on the spectrum? I certainly want him to be confident.
The thing about fears. He is always so worried about his sister touching or "messing up" his toys when he leaves a room that she is in. And when we go places (this isn't a fear, I think it's a comfort thing) he takes a little bucket full of random things with him in the car and a few stuffed toys. And every time he needs it all or he will have a small meltdown. The items have changed but mostly grown in amount. It's things like that, and I've gotten off topic, that I assume are his autistic behaviors but then I wonder if it's a mix or just him being a four year old. And I probably sound so ignorant because I'm still learning so much but I hope anyone who reads anything I say understands that.

I can only view my Aspergers behaviors from recalling situations where I feel I was odd, unreasonable, or uncomfortable. It was these memories that caused me to research my behavior and discover that I was on the Spectrum. My lack of confidence comes from being thrust into actions and activities for which I was unprepared. I was a typical ASD kid who loved to be engaged with activities that I could do on my own and required some creativity. My kindergarten report card noted that I didn't like playing with others. (what a surprise). I was never mean to anybody, and at recess I found myself enjoying the role of spectator, not player. Since childhood, I have been observing people and their nuances of behaviors. Nobody told me to do this - it was 100% natural to me, and I was also aware that I was remaining an outsider. I did best having one friend at a time with whom I could do things - go to the candy store, climb trees, and play board games and ping pong. The horrible part of this was that I didn't learn group behavior. I was happiest functioning on my own or with one other person.

My kind, intelligent parents signed me up to do things without talking to me first. Piano lessons, altar boy, minor league baseball, golf lessons, day camp, over-night camp, and Boy Scouts. I lacked the guidance that come along with all of these endeavors. I had trouble reading music and if the actions as an altar boy changed because of a special day, I would screw it up. I didn't get enough time on the baseball team to gain the proper practice I needed to do well (attention always went to the star players) and I didn't know anyone on the team, since none of them were from my school or neighborhood. I enjoyed golf, but it required that you went with my mother or father, and there were no opportunities for kids to use the golf course during the weekends. It was all putting green practice and learning how to hit a drive. Day camp was taking a bus to a regional high school, standing for roll call, playing basketball or football, then a swim in the outdoor pool. None of it was enjoyable to me. Overnight camp was a real disaster. I didn't know what state I was in, you could only get things from the store with credit (none was arranged) and money didn't work. In short, I always felt that I was thrown into situations without understanding the point behind it, nor did I have any interest in it. With Boy Scouts, I never pursued merit badges. I went to the meetings, but I never did anything. At this point in my youth, I was very depressed and felt totally incapable of achieving anything. I had convinced myself that I was a complete failure.

At home, I knew I was in a place of comfort and security. I had my own room and I could arrange it as I saw fit. It was my turf. What bothered me was my brother's inability to ask permission before taking my things, and he wouldn't return them. I was always careful and took good care of my things. My brother didn't care and he would use and abuse my stuff. This turned into a form of abuse because my parents didn't know how to fix it.

I know that I needed order and stability in my life to function. Without a responsible authority figure to talk to about my frustrations and concerns, I felt very abandoned and the world around me was chaotic. This led to me feeling as if the world as I know it was destined to crush me. I was a poor student (ASD) and I could only find peace when I had no distractions. I should have been more pro-active with life, but I had experienced too many failures to believe that I had the courage and the discipline to work toward achievement. I'm a firm believer in the value of education, but the biggest hurdle for me was confidence. I really feel as if I had been groomed to take orders and to disregard my own needs and interests. I needed academic support and parental attention.

Kids usually seek approval from their guardians. That wasn't part of my life growing up. Even if I achieved, I didn't get any recognition or attention for my efforts. I'm not whining about my own life because I have managed to understand the ingredients that created my sadness and insecurities. In one way, my difficulties have strengthened me, but it has also left me far short of my potential and still short in confidence. Nobody was aware of ASD when I was growing up, and even if it were known and understood, I still don't know how it could have been accommodated. The only way I understand my ASD today is through a lifetime of tripping over potholes and barriers that exist due to ASD. You have to get up and dust yourself off. You can't undo the past. My comments to you about confidence is to make sure your son understands that with his ASD traits, he is still valuable and can learn to manage the potholes and barriers without feeling that he is deficient. Most of us with ASD have known the feelings of "deficient". What is wrong seems to pop up more often than what is right. In my view, your son has the right to protect his toys any which way he likes. Your daughter needs to learn to respect his property. Play by the rules and avoid conflict. Mistakes happen, so make them a learning opportunity.

I feel as if my post here is a prelude to more details, but I have written enough to digest in one sitting. I hope these examples have value for you. p.s. I love my parents and my siblings. I am just different.

 

[saturnv]

I remember where I put things. I don't have to try and remember where I had something last, I know where it is without having to think, and that's not because I keep everything in it's place, I'm quite a messy person really. If someone tidies up for me or moves any of my stuff then all of a sudden I have to go looking for everything and can't find anything. It's quite disturbing.

I am very much like this too. Being in the middle of a project and finding that a needed tool is not where I left it is the worst.

It is a major difficulty when living with other people. I don't think they will ever understand where I am coming from so I just have to try to put things away preemptively.

 

[saturnv]

My biggest fear for my son is making him uncomfortable in his daily life by sending him to school where it can be loud and kids can be mean and I really, really hope that he can be honest with my husband and I if he is uncomfortable attending a regular school as opposed to being homeschooled. I have gathered that school and socializing seem to be uncomfortable for a lot of autistic people. That worries me.

The world is loud and there are a lot of mean people in it. We all want to shield our children from it, but they have to learn to deal with things as best they can. I think you should consider your husband's points about the positive aspects of school attendance too. Of course every child is unique and you know best about how to help him. From your posts here, I think you will do a great job.

I have been thinking about posts in this thread about "correcting" every autistic behavior. I agree with that generally. What I am concerned about is the subset of those behaviors consisting of social mistakes. I think pointing those out kindly could be good. I think maybe saying something like "I love you and it doesn't bother me when you infodump about your interest, but some people might be bored or offended if you monopolize the conversation. It is good to involve the other person in the conversation because... etc." Basically teach social skills and don't fully ignore things that neurotypical people will judge him for later in life, but accept him as he is and don't expect him to be neurotypical either. I think it is better to hear it kindly from you than probably get it rudely when out and about later from other people.

 

[inlalaland]

A healthy ego is paramount if you want him to ever have any sort of social life, but it must be a genuine ego based on his own abilities and achievements. False self confidence will soon get ripped apart leaving him worse off.

For me that didn't start to happen until I left school and started learning a trade, I became an Offset Printer which used to be a very highly paid trade and I was paid higher than most. In social circles there's always people that will try to put you down and make you feel small, that's not easy to do when you get paid twice as much as them and if anyone in the workplace even looks to be upsetting you they get put out the front door with a week's pay in lieu of notice.

Cultural difference - in Australia skilled tradesmen are much more highly respected than someone with a fancy office title. Here if someone holds a middle management position they'll be very unlikely to admit such a thing in public because of the scorn and derision that will attract.


I remember where I put things. I don't have to try and remember where I had something last, I know where it is without having to think, and that's not because I keep everything in it's place, I'm quite a messy person really. If someone tidies up for me or moves any of my stuff then all of a sudden I have to go looking for everything and can't find anything. It's quite disturbing.

My sister has OCD and her room was always spotless and immaculately tidy and none of us were allowed in her room. Her room was so sterile though that she never played in there either and use to come in to our room and play with our toys so that her room wouldn't get messed up.


That will become an unhealthy habit if allowed to go on, I'd suggest slowly restricting that bit by bit until he gets over it. At his age it's very difficult to tell the difference between a genuine meltdown and just chucking a tantrum, but as he gets older it'll become easier for you to tell the difference. Learning that chucking tantrums gets you whatever you want is not a good thing.

All children try to be manipulative, if they're highly intelligent they're likely to be good at it.

Thank you! I appreciate you taking the time to share all of that. We are going to try and start limiting the items that leave with him when we go out. And confidence seems to be a tricky one but like everything else we will take everyone's valuable insight that I've gotten here and what we think is best and roll with it.

 

[inlalaland]

The world is loud and there are a lot of mean people in it. We all want to shield our children from it, but they have to learn to deal with things as best they can. I think you should consider your husband's points about the positive aspects of school attendance too. Of course every child is unique and you know best about how to help him. From your posts here, I think you will do a great job.

I have been thinking about posts in this thread about "correcting" every autistic behavior. I agree with that generally. What I am concerned about is the subset of those behaviors consisting of social mistakes. I think pointing those out kindly could be good. I think maybe saying something like "I love you and it doesn't bother me when you infodump about your interest, but some people might be bored or offended if you monopolize the conversation. It is good to involve the other person in the conversation because... etc." Basically teach social skills and don't fully ignore things that neurotypical people will judge him for later in life, but accept him as he is and don't expect him to be neurotypical either. I think it is better to hear it kindly from you than probably get it rudely when out and about later from other people.

Thank you very much. I really appreciate that. I worry too much about things and with him it's a whole new level of worry. That is very true about the world, I can see how school can help with that. And thanks a lot for the suggestion on helping his social skills. I will definitely share that with my husband so that we can use it. The psychologist we used for his evaluation suggested we do some social skills classes or something (I can't remember exactly without referencing her evaluation). I still wonder if it's necessary (maybe it would help him at his age) or if we could just work on it ourselves.