High Functioning Autism

[SacredHeart]

Hi and welcome. It's an accomplishment to do well at a job at 17. I think it's important to have some part of your life to anchor the rest on. Work may not be one's first choice, but it can serve for a while and does help make sure other things do not become big problems, like finances, living situation, transportation, etc. Was wondering in what way you are 'scared of yourself' ?

@Tom Ooo i did think to have some with my response but if I'm completely honest, it was an ad that had popped up for a game.

sounded poetic and dramatic so it stuck...

 

[MmmmmMegs]

Hey SacredHeart!

I'm a newbie here too! I don't work (anymore), but I'm a female mother of 3 - which is literally like a separate job for each one - LOL! I've self-diagnosed just recently after EXTENSIVE amounts of research and have decided it's not worth it to pursue clinical diagnosis for me. I mask too well and it wouldn't really do anything for me besides to show a piece of paper to naysayers. I do remember my working years and it was super hard...so much so I'd collapse at the end of the day and need the ENTIRE evening to recharge for the next day. I tended to my interests and hobbies to stay sane on my "off" hours. Are you tending to that? Your "inner world"?

I also found faith in my later years, too...not a specific religion or denomination, but Christ. I taught myself how to study the bible using commentaries and lexicons to get original Hebrew/Greek because I don't trust ANYONE. There is too much spiritual abuse and too many "leaders" take it out of context for me. So, as goes most things...I do it myself. LI guess I'd fall under the umbrella of "protestant", but once you attempt to put me in a box with other protestants, my thinking makes me an outsider. I just never fit in anywhere. LOL

I've been watching some incredibly useful videos of late about "executive function" for us on the spectrum (which I gather you may be struggling with while working). Maybe do a little search on youtube on that? I've implemented some great things the past 2 weeks to help me with task prioritization/completion. It's been awesome!

Wish you weren't "across the pond", I'd take ya to coffee! Hang in there!

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I can relate a lot, SacredHeart. It took me a while to get diagnosed, and if you've managed to put together a life, no one wants to believe you struggle. They think you're just becoming lazy or you need to desensitize yourself to things (noise, light, whatever). Medicate and desensitize--that seems to be the advice.

I've struggled for years, and recently it's felt like all I did was work and come home to recharge for more. I couldn't enjoy much in my free time because I was too fried.

I'm looking for help too, but it's hard to find anything. I hope you get what you need and can enjoy life more soon.

 

[SacredHeart]

I can relate a lot, SacredHeart. It took me a while to get diagnosed, and if you've managed to put together a life, no one wants to believe you struggle. They think you're just becoming lazy or you need to desensitize yourself to things (noise, light, whatever). Medicate and desensitize--that seems to be the advice.

I've struggled for years, and recently it's felt like all I did was work and come home to recharge for more. I couldn't enjoy much in my free time because I was too fried.

I'm looking for help too, but it's hard to find anything. I hope you get what you need and can enjoy life more soon.

God, that sounds a lot like me!
I've described it as operating whilst having PTSD but always felt like I was being dramatic, as I had no reason to but much of my life has just been autopilot. one thing to the next...I'm resilient and tenacious and both of these skills got me to where I am today. My grades were below average to average and I became accustomed to the struggle.

I learned the need to mask very early on just from my family environment, and being the youngest.

I'm also REALLY good at normalizing situations and driven by no wanting to feel poor.

I'm now realizing I had a major burnout during university but put it down to a life change, being social, drugs, alcohol, and poor financial management that caused me to stress, and become depressed somehow I got through it - I wasn't special just had to try harder (which I feel was just the mindset of growing up in the 80's/90's).

The masking me is almost perfect - a happy-go-lucky, people-pleaser, with a smile always on my face ( i have a small head and wide smile think Cheshire cat vibes), and a love for small talk (front of house/hospitality industry) Very disarming, likable, and able to make people feel important/special but I also have a smart mouth that would be described as cheeky. I was driven by proving I'm independent, don't need a lot of support, reliable, I get the job done, or 'I'm fine'!

No one ever saw how hard I worked, I would hide it and often take my work home.

Away from people, I spend a lot of time in my head, I'm quiet, spend a lot of time on my own, am very cynical, and am very childlike in ways.

I have been fortunate that I had been in a codependent relationship since I was 19, which I think allowed me to indulge in my burnout and for it to be not as noticeable, not be social, but also pushed me to do things I would have struggled (avoided) to do independently (shower, eat regularly, be social, wake up). I'm also good at adopting routines with military precision.

During the pandemic, I started a job that had me working 90+ hours, which was extremely toxic, I was thrown into the deep end with no introduction to run the whole business - it broke me, I was overwhelmed, but the harder it got the more determined I was to succeed.

Eventually, I was forced to acknowledge I had suicidal ideation and that something needed to change so I quit, by then I had been burying my head in the sand, and was coasting through life ( the past 2 years are fuzzy, and there is a lapse in my memory) of course I internalised it all so in getting a new job i fixated on me being dyslexic and sought help with that and that's what brought up the idea that I might be autistic.

Now, I've gotten myself into financial ruin, damaged my relationship purely on the impact of my meltdowns and my poor communication on expressing how I feel, and being particularly cruel with my words and VERY bad at apologizing.
I have no idea what help I need and struggle with not masking so it will be interesting to see how an assessment might go