Honestly ready to give up

[ManontheCorner]

I'm in my early twenties and have never dated. Not by choice, either. Whereas some people who have Asperger Syndrome like myself seem to have a fear of approaching or talking to women, I don't have that problem at all. In fact, I do my best to approach and make small talk with the opposite sex. There's only one problem and that is they either don't talk to me or talk very sparingly and usually talk to someone else. Of course, unless it's a hello, I usually have to initiate.

I've had very few male friends and only one friend ever who was female. She's broken my heart on multiple occasions when I wanted more and she didn't. She claims it has nothing to do with my condition and tells me I am a good person with many good qualities whom someone will appreciate someday. I'm just not what she's looking for. For some reason, I never quite am. Nobody wants to get to know me or spend time with me. I must have asked out close to 20 women in my lifetime. I have yet to get a single yes. It's either "You're just a friend," or "I have a boyfriend."

Honestly, I'm not quite sure if I believe in the nice guy/jerk concept when it comes to dating. The reason for that is I have known nice guys who have gotten women and I have known jerks who have gotten women. I truly don't know what to believe anymore when it comes to women and what they want.

People tell me a relationship won't solve my problems. Ok, I have my flaws. I admit that. I am not expecting my flaws to suddenly disappear in the blink of an eye if somehow a woman agreed to go out with me. I want a relationship more than anything. My libido has become low since I mostly wanted just sex when I was a teenager. Now that I'm in my early twenties, I don't even care if I have it or not.

When talking about my looks, apparently they're important to women. My female friend told me she did not turn me down because of my looks. The only people who have ever told me I was ugly were people on the internet. Family and friends told me that though I am not a Hollywood movie star or a model, I'm not ugly. Others have called me average looking. When it comes to the looks of women, yes, I have pursued pretty ones. My biggest crushes I've ever had, however, are unlikely to grace the cover of Maxim anytime soon. My top deal breaker is someone who smokes. I'd gladly date someone who had weight on her or wasn't the prettiest so long as she didn't smoke.

If I were to look objectively at my pros and cons, here is what I would list.

Pros:
#1 Many people think I am very intelligent and have a spectacular memory.
#2 I'm willing to help people and do what they say.
#3 I have determination to work hard, whether with my studies or my job.
#4 I contain a lot of passion and would be fiercely loyal to a partner.
#5 Would sincerely appreciate anyone.
#6 I can make people laugh.
#7 I'm not afraid to put myself out there or change myself for whatever reason.
#8 People would probably agree when I call myself career and goal oriented.
#9 I do not give up.
#10 People have told me I am charismatic, inspiring and motivational.

Cons:
#1 I have a lot of mood swings.
#2 I'm a very intense person, which I am trying to work on.
#3 Sometimes I stand/sit awkwardly.
#4 I'm not always sure what to talk about or how to carry a conversation.
#5 In terms of attracting women, I don't drink any alcohol or attend parties. I think it's a pro, but it may be a con to others.
#6 Throughout the years I have had nervous ticks/habits that I've had a hard time controlling in public.
#7 Like Rain Man, sometimes I go into routines.
#8 I'm a vocal/opinionated person, and perhaps some women don't like that.
#9 Often times I say things I shouldn't and have impulses, Also, I could try to be funny and it could come out real awkward.
#10 I let myself fall in love too quickly.

It's a battle trying to control the cons, but I know I have the willpower to control them. On one hand, I'm not the type of person for giving up. Then again, I feel like there is little to no hope for me and I am down in the dumps because of it, no matter how good my life is otherwise.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I don't know you well enough to give you a sincere analysis of what has gone wrong (or what is right). From what you've said, I it sounds like any future girlfriend/wife would be lucky to have you.
But things are tough sometimes for us Aspies, and sometimes it doesn't make sense.
My own story, I made it to 29 without every having been on a date, without a genuinely nice (whatever bitter internet people say about women's tastes, I could never like a jerk) suitable guy having interest in me, and with the experience of a horribly broken heart.
At the age of 29, suddenly three genuinely good suitable guys showed interest in me-within approximately the same time period.
So the moral is...okay i don't know what it is. Beats me!

The thing is, when it comes to attraction, body language, and stuff like that (even the way you smell) influences how likely someone else is to find you attractive. Romantic attraction, as opposed to friendship, has a physical basis. (even if the two people are not physically involved, there is a sexual instinct underlying romantic attraction...(it comes from the drive pushing human beings to find mates and procreate, other animals have the same thing) and that's what distinguishes it from friendship. Friendship is more intellectual and spiritual. The best romantic relationship would combine the two. It would have the noble soul-to-soul bond of friendship, together with a nice animal attraction.
Do the good points about you seem sufficient for friendship. They would also be an important part, good qualities to bring to a romantic relationship. But there might be missing in you something of body language maybe? The little awkwardness you mentioned? When you are awkward in conversation, it makes the girl you're talking to feel awkward too, and that makes it hard for her to feel attraction.

And you know what? It might partly have just been bad luck. There's a lot of fish in the sea, but most of them are taken. That was the deal with the guy I fell for...he'd already found someone else. And even though my head told me it didn't mean there was anything wrong with me, my heart told me something different. My heart told me it was because something was missing in me. Actually, that was the beginning of the search that led to discovering my Aspergers, so even a blow to one's self esteem can end up resulting in something good.

Different women have different tastes. It is almost certain that there are people out there who will appreciate you and like you in a romantic sense. But you might have to sort through many many others before finding even one person who can feel that way about you.

 

[Ereth]

You said you've asked out close to twenty women in your lifetime. Well, guess what? That's a very, very small number out of the total number of adult females on this planet. There are about seven billion people on Earth now, I think, and about half of them are female, so don't feel bad about those twenty---you just haven't found someone who's interested in you. It really has nothing to do with your looks, or your Asperger's, or anything like that, so don't get hung up on those things. You can't expect your female friend to suddenly fall in love with you if she only sees you as a friend. It's not a slight at all. Friendship is so important.

I didn't know about my Asperger's until fairly recently, but all through school, I was told how ugly I was and, in one instance, mocked by one boy who liked to call me "his girl." It was never sincere, of course. It was a commentary on how most people thought no one would ever want me.

But I know that there is someone who does, because I've found him. At twenty-four, I've only been on one date, and that was with this person---my boyfriend. We're long-distance, but we've worked it out so far.

There are so many people out there who don't know you. It's more a question of odds than anything against you. I promise.

(The nice guy/jerk stuff is BS, by the way.)

 

[tlc]

I never really dated till my early 20s. And like you, I wanted someone special more than anything. Well eventually I got what I wished for. And after all the crap I've gone through with dating and marriage, I wish I'd never done it.

I don't smoke, drink, or party either. If there's anything that kills even attempting to be social around here, male or female, that's it. I like who I am so I just don't bother anymore. Even with music I just practice at home. I gave up trying to practice with bands because they always expected me to smoke and drink with them.

It is a good thing that most people think you are intelligent right off the bat. Most people think I am either a criminal or dumb as a box of rocks until they get to know me, then they think I am the smartest person they know.

 

[ManontheCorner]

I don't know you well enough to give you a sincere analysis of what has gone wrong (or what is right). From what you've said, I it sounds like any future girlfriend/wife would be lucky to have you.
But things are tough sometimes for us Aspies, and sometimes it doesn't make sense.
My own story, I made it to 29 without every having been on a date, without a genuinely nice (whatever bitter internet people say about women's tastes, I could never like a jerk) suitable guy having interest in me, and with the experience of a horribly broken heart.
At the age of 29, suddenly three genuinely good suitable guys showed interest in me-within approximately the same time period.
So the moral is...okay i don't know what it is. Beats me!

The thing is, when it comes to attraction, body language, and stuff like that (even the way you smell) influences how likely someone else is to find you attractive. Romantic attraction, as opposed to friendship, has a physical basis. (even if the two people are not physically involved, there is a sexual instinct underlying romantic attraction...(it comes from the drive pushing human beings to find mates and procreate, other animals have the same thing) and that's what distinguishes it from friendship. Friendship is more intellectual and spiritual. The best romantic relationship would combine the two. It would have the noble soul-to-soul bond of friendship, together with a nice animal attraction.
Do the good points about you seem sufficient for friendship. They would also be an important part, good qualities to bring to a romantic relationship. But there might be missing in you something of body language maybe? The little awkwardness you mentioned? When you are awkward in conversation, it makes the girl you're talking to feel awkward too, and that makes it hard for her to feel attraction.

And you know what? It might partly have just been bad luck. There's a lot of fish in the sea, but most of them are taken. That was the deal with the guy I fell for...he'd already found someone else. And even though my head told me it didn't mean there was anything wrong with me, my heart told me something different. My heart told me it was because something was missing in me. Actually, that was the beginning of the search that led to discovering my Aspergers, so even a blow to one's self esteem can end up resulting in something good.

Different women have different tastes. It is almost certain that there are people out there who will appreciate you and like you in a romantic sense. But you might have to sort through many many others before finding even one person who can feel that way about you.

You said you've asked out close to twenty women in your lifetime. Well, guess what? That's a very, very small number out of the total number of adult females on this planet. There are about seven billion people on Earth now, I think, and about half of them are female, so don't feel bad about those twenty---you just haven't found someone who's interested in you. It really has nothing to do with your looks, or your Asperger's, or anything like that, so don't get hung up on those things. You can't expect your female friend to suddenly fall in love with you if she only sees you as a friend. It's not a slight at all. Friendship is so important.

I didn't know about my Asperger's until fairly recently, but all through school, I was told how ugly I was and, in one instance, mocked by one boy who liked to call me "his girl." It was never sincere, of course. It was a commentary on how most people thought no one would ever want me.

But I know that there is someone who does, because I've found him. At twenty-four, I've only been on one date, and that was with this person---my boyfriend. We're long-distance, but we've worked it out so far.

There are so many people out there who don't know you. It's more a question of odds than anything against you. I promise.

(The nice guy/jerk stuff is BS, by the way.)

I never really dated till my early 20s. And like you, I wanted someone special more than anything. Well eventually I got what I wished for. And after all the crap I've gone through with dating and marriage, I wish I'd never done it.

I don't smoke, drink, or party either. If there's anything that kills even attempting to be social around here, male or female, that's it. I like who I am so I just don't bother anymore. Even with music I just practice at home. I gave up trying to practice with bands because they always expected me to smoke and drink with them.

It is a good thing that most people think you are intelligent right off the bat. Most people think I am either a criminal or dumb as a box of rocks until they get to know me, then they think I am the smartest person they know.

Ste11aeres: First off, thanks for the kind words.

Whenever I step out of the house, I wear fragrance. I always put on cologne/deodorant. With body language, I'm trying to be more conscious of it but then when I'm not focusing perhaps it could change. I am often tightly closed and not comfortable with myself. Though I am trying harder to sit up straight and broad my shoulders out.

I don't know how I can give women the animal instinct and the physical aspect of me. Very few women have ever complimented me on my looks/appearance and only a small hand few have been my age. There seems to be this notion women will know right away if they'll ever date a man or not. Perhaps it's just me, but both with friendships and interest in relationships, I just can't buy into that. If I went strictly off of first impressions, I wouldn't have the friends I had, or I wouldn't have found out some likeable people were anything bit. Same thing with interest in the opposite sex. If I followed that logic, I would've gone after women with no personality or a dull one. While I would've looked completely past women I fell in love with.

Some of the fish in the sea were not taken, they just didn't go for me.

Ereth: Friendship is so important to others. It's only so important to me. That's not to say I don't appreciate or treasure the friends I have, but I know I'd rather have a relationship and would value that more than my male friends. I would bend over backwards for my male friends, but there isn't a single one of them whom I care about so much to the point that I don't know what I'd do without them.

Thanks for the encouraging words.

tlc: I'm sorry you have had some of the hard times you had and that some people have perceived you the way they have. Hang in there. You're going to be ok.

 

[Ereth]

You're misinterpreting what I said. I'm not saying that you shouldn't want a relationship that goes beyond friendship. But you cannot assume that a friend, male or female, is going to be automatically interested in that kind of companionship just because you are.

 

[ManontheCorner]

I certainly know that. It's just hard because sometimes I feel I can't win.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I am often tightly closed and not comfortable with myself..

That alone could explain a lot. If you feel uncomfortable, it makes others feel uncomfortable.

Ignore my words on physical and animal stuff. Even though my thoughts made sense, on looking back over it, the words I used could be misinterpreted.

Go easy on the cologne, scented stuff, women often have more sensitive noses, and what seems like a nice amount of fragrance to the wearer is often overpowering to some other people.

 

[Ereth]

Since Stellares mentioned scents, please, for the love of heaven, don't listen to silly things like those Axe commercials. Women will not throw themselves at you if you reek of cologne (and nor will men, for that matter). This was one reason why I hated high school. The hallways stank of Axe, and I'm extremely sensitive to synthetic (meaning most) fragrances . . . yuck. Sometimes I thought I would suffocate.

 

[Ste11aeres]

You know, I think these kinds of things often happen later to Aspie men. My best friend for example, now in his forties. For him, this kind of thing started comparatively late in his life.

 

[nowwhat]

Since Stellares mentioned scents, please, for the love of heaven, don't listen to silly things like those Axe commercials. Women will not throw themselves at you if you reek of cologne (and nor will men, for that matter). This was one reason why I hated high school. The hallways stank of Axe, and I'm extremely sensitive to synthetic (meaning most) fragrances . . . yuck. Sometimes I thought I would suffocate.

Please have a talk with my 15 year old son. He's convinced he's gotten a hold of some "Stud in a Bottle". He's a very very nice boy, and I'm certain it's a phase. I'm just very afraid of open flame or sparks when he's around.

 

[Ereth]

Just tell him the truth---those commercials are designed to sell the product (as are all ads), and unfortunately, they target youths while their brains are being besieged by sex hormones. Consequently, logical thinking tends to go out the window. I have never seen a bevy of beautiful women attack anybody wearing Axe. Not once. And to be perfectly honest, that stuff smells foul. I'm sure I'd hate it even if I weren't practically allergic to it.

 

[Judge]

Anything IMO that leaves a "vapor trail" is garbage...

 

[nowwhat]

Anything IMO that leaves a "vapor trail" is garbage...

In the right light, he is surrounded by shimmering aura, like a barbecue loaded with starter, just before you fling the match at it.

 

[ManontheCorner]

That alone could explain a lot. If you feel uncomfortable, it makes others feel uncomfortable.

Ignore my words on physical and animal stuff. Even though my thoughts made sense, on looking back over it, the words I used could be misinterpreted.

Go easy on the cologne, scented stuff, women often have more sensitive noses, and what seems like a nice amount of fragrance to the wearer is often overpowering to some other people.

So what can I do to become more comfortable and not so closed up?

I simply do a small spray of cologne on me. I don't go overboard.

 

[Ereth]

Honestly, the best way to become more comfortable with social interaction is to practice. For example, you could enlist a friend and do role-playing exercises to test your ability to handle various conversations.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Honestly, the best way to become more comfortable with social interaction is to practice. For example, you could enlist a friend and do role-playing exercises to test your ability to handle various conversations.

Yes. Practice removed all the nervousness I used to have at job interviews. Unfortunately, the reason I got so much practice was because I was unemployed for so long.

 

[ManontheCorner]

Ereth: What kind of role play are you proposing? There are only a few subjects where I really get into it in which I can have a true back and forth conversation.

Also, about my grooming, I do what I need to do. I brush and floss after every meal, shower daily and shave very often as well. Apparently not doing this hurts me, but I'm not sure how much this helps me.

 

[Ereth]

I'm talking about having someone pretend to be a job interviewer, an employer, a potential date, etc. You can address the social situations that make you feel most awkward.

 

[ManontheCorner]

Ok. Thank You.