Honestly ready to give up

[WWellen]

Ereth: What kind of role play are you proposing? There are only a few subjects where I really get into it in which I can have a true back and forth conversation.

Also, about my grooming, I do what I need to do. I brush and floss after every meal, shower daily and shave very often as well. Apparently not doing this hurts me, but I'm not sure how much this helps me.

If you have a female friend that can give you honest constructive input that could help. You might be coming on too strong and that's a big turn off for women . Good luck !

 

[Normie999]

As one who is part of the "older generation" and who has had a multitude of relationships, I can tell you that when it comes to love and attraction there is often no obvious rhyme or reason. I have seen the most unlikely people fall for each other. Looking back over my own life, I can say that the person I will always love the most was someone I would have never thought I would even have had a relationship with. There are too many intangible variables involved which prevent successfully controlling who we end up with, or, love forever.
Of course, it is not as "random", or, mysterious, once you see it in retrospect. You see that there were factors (chemistry, genetics, life-situation, extraordinary circumstances, etc) involved that definitely contributed to how and why the relationship started and progressed, and perhaps, ended.
I don't have Aspergers, but have friends who do. I can't say that they have the exact same strengths and weaknesses as you do, but, I can tell you that I would choose them as a mate over some "normies", I've known, if given the choice.
Enjoy yourself and be who you are. I really think that's the key to finding a mutually satisfying relationship.

 

[nowwhat]

As one who is part of the "older generation" and who has had a multitude of relationships, I can tell you that when it comes to love and attraction there is often no obvious rhyme or reason. I have seen the most unlikely people fall for each other. Looking back over my own life, I can say that the person I will always love the most was someone I would have never thought I would even have had a relationship with. There are too many intangible variables involved which prevent successfully controlling who we end up with, or, love forever.
Of course, it is not as "random", or, mysterious, once you see it in retrospect. You see that there were factors (chemistry, genetics, life-situation, extraordinary circumstances, etc) involved that definitely contributed to how and why the relationship started and progressed, and perhaps, ended.
I don't have Aspergers, but have friends who do. I can't say that they have the exact same strengths and weaknesses as you do, but, I can tell you that I would choose them as a mate over some "normies", I've known, if given the choice.
Enjoy yourself and be who you are. I really think that's the key to finding a mutually satisfying relationship.

In my opinion, you've nailed it Normie.

 

[nowwhat]

If I might add, along the same vein, relationships are something that sort of happen to you, not something you make happen. Drop the shopping list, and look first for someone who wants your attention, then give it to her.

Of course, being an aspie you'll have a job figuring out who that is, but on this point, there are more miscues than connections even among NTs. Courage and get used to the taste of egg on your face.

 

[ManontheCorner]

It's happened for a while. With what WWellen said, I don't have any female friends or someone I would feel comfortable opening up to on that subject. Thanks to everyone for the kind words. It's just that I think with my personality and interests, and to the depth of them, it isn't going to be easy.

 

[Ste11aeres]

It's happened for a while. With what WWellen said, I don't have any female friends or someone I would feel comfortable opening up to on that subject. Thanks to everyone for the kind words. It's just that I think with my personality and interests, and to the depth of them, it isn't going to be easy.

Maybe you should start by looking for female friends, rather than a girlfriend. After enough time with female friends, you might understand women in general better, and then have an easier time finding one in a girlfriend context

 

[ManontheCorner]

That would help, if I could find any female friends. They never seem to want to do anything with me when I ask to do something with them. It's tough. I just connect with males better than females.

 

[Normie999]

That would help, if I could find any female friends. They never seem to want to do anything with me when I ask to do something with them. It's tough. I just connect with males better than females.

This might sound overly-simplistic, but how about joining a racquetball group where you play doubles? Also, have you ever considered joining a dance studio where you learn new dances and get to dance with lots of different partners? "Pairing-up" is mandatory in both scenarios. A lot of the people in these scenarios are also there for the same reasons you would be.

 

[Sparticus]

ManontheCorner, I'm going to make some suggestions. None are meant to hurt you, insult you or lecture you. Hopefully I can give you at least one good idea.

Dating for men often is a numbers game. Salespeople know they have to ask 100 people for a sale in order to get a few sales. It's body language. Listen closely to what the women here are telling you. It's good advice.

Sure it can feel like a losing game, the currents are dragging you backwards, every woman says no...etc etc etc. I know the feeling. There is hope [no this is not a advertising commerical.] You can study the field of dating. You can work out, get a hobby that you become good at [self esteem and many women find men who are passionate about something-interesting.]

You can change the way you dress, change your attitude [sorry bro, had to mention it-I realize I'm not perfect and maybe in another thread you will help me/give me advice] via reading positive motivational material.

"If it is to be, it's up to me." I don't know the extent of your abilities or life circumstances...there are both female and male dating experts. Where there's a will there's a way. I hope....anyhoo ManontheCorner hope I didn't just lecture you and pretend I am superior. I am not.

I just know the pain of what you are talking about. You can get a girlfriend but it might take work, more socializing [even if it's just online] etc. Hope something here helps!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't give up...too many times in my life I wanted to give up. Actually early on in life I did give up...but then met some good mentors.

Mostly women. I spent many years being super shy.
Dang I feel like a salesman...hope I am not too insensitive.

It's happened for a while. With what WWellen said, I don't have any female friends or someone I would feel comfortable opening up to on that subject. Thanks to everyone for the kind words. It's just that I think with my personality and interests, and to the depth of them, it isn't going to be easy.

 

[ManontheCorner]

This might sound overly-simplistic, but how about joining a racquetball group where you play doubles? Also, have you ever considered joining a dance studio where you learn new dances and get to dance with lots of different partners? "Pairing-up" is mandatory in both scenarios. A lot of the people in these scenarios are also there for the same reasons you would be.

ManontheCorner, I'm going to make some suggestions. None are meant to hurt you, insult you or lecture you. Hopefully I can give you at least one good idea.

Dating for men often is a numbers game. Salespeople know they have to ask 100 people for a sale in order to get a few sales. It's body language. Listen closely to what the women here are telling you. It's good advice.

Sure it can feel like a losing game, the currents are dragging you backwards, every woman says no...etc etc etc. I know the feeling. There is hope [no this is not a advertising commerical.] You can study the field of dating. You can work out, get a hobby that you become good at [self esteem and many women find men who are passionate about something-interesting.]

You can change the way you dress, change your attitude [sorry bro, had to mention it-I realize I'm not perfect and maybe in another thread you will help me/give me advice] via reading positive motivational material.

"If it is to be, it's up to me." I don't know the extent of your abilities or life circumstances...there are both female and male dating experts. Where there's a will there's a way. I hope....anyhoo ManontheCorner hope I didn't just lecture you and pretend I am superior. I am not.

I just know the pain of what you are talking about. You can get a girlfriend but it might take work, more socializing [even if it's just online] etc. Hope something here helps!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't give up...too many times in my life I wanted to give up. Actually early on in life I did give up...but then met some good mentors.

Mostly women. I spent many years being super shy.
Dang I feel like a salesman...hope I am not too insensitive.

Normie, that's a possibility, thanks.

Sparticus, no offense taken. I know I can improve my body language. I looked up on what attractive body language is and in some cases have already made improvements. I remember when I would never look people in the eye when talking to them. Also, I would always have my head down walking. Now I walk with all the confidence in the world compared to what I was.

I know I need an attitude change. What about how I dress? I usually wear black/tan cargo pants with sweaters, button polo shirts and Hawaiian shirts. I do have a gym membership and I patronize it usually when school is not in session. Are you suggesting get a six pack? I have lost a ton of weight in the past year. Or, are you suggesting it as a confidence builder?

 

[Florence Green]

I'm in my early twenties and have never dated. Not by choice, either. Whereas some people who have Asperger Syndrome like myself seem to have a fear of approaching or talking to women, I don't have that problem at all. In fact, I do my best to approach and make small talk with the opposite sex. There's only one problem and that is they either don't talk to me or talk very sparingly and usually talk to someone else. Of course, unless it's a hello, I usually have to initiate.

I've had very few male friends and only one friend ever who was female. She's broken my heart on multiple occasions when I wanted more and she didn't. She claims it has nothing to do with my condition and tells me I am a good person with many good qualities whom someone will appreciate someday. I'm just not what she's looking for. For some reason, I never quite am. Nobody wants to get to know me or spend time with me. I must have asked out close to 20 women in my lifetime. I have yet to get a single yes. It's either "You're just a friend," or "I have a boyfriend."

Honestly, I'm not quite sure if I believe in the nice guy/jerk concept when it comes to dating. The reason for that is I have known nice guys who have gotten women and I have known jerks who have gotten women. I truly don't know what to believe anymore when it comes to women and what they want.

People tell me a relationship won't solve my problems. Ok, I have my flaws. I admit that. I am not expecting my flaws to suddenly disappear in the blink of an eye if somehow a woman agreed to go out with me. I want a relationship more than anything. My libido has become low since I mostly wanted just sex when I was a teenager. Now that I'm in my early twenties, I don't even care if I have it or not.

When talking about my looks, apparently they're important to women. My female friend told me she did not turn me down because of my looks. The only people who have ever told me I was ugly were people on the internet. Family and friends told me that though I am not a Hollywood movie star or a model, I'm not ugly. Others have called me average looking. When it comes to the looks of women, yes, I have pursued pretty ones. My biggest crushes I've ever had, however, are unlikely to grace the cover of Maxim anytime soon. My top deal breaker is someone who smokes. I'd gladly date someone who had weight on her or wasn't the prettiest so long as she didn't smoke.

If I were to look objectively at my pros and cons, here is what I would list.

Pros:
#1 Many people think I am very intelligent and have a spectacular memory.
#2 I'm willing to help people and do what they say.
#3 I have determination to work hard, whether with my studies or my job.
#4 I contain a lot of passion and would be fiercely loyal to a partner.
#5 Would sincerely appreciate anyone.
#6 I can make people laugh.
#7 I'm not afraid to put myself out there or change myself for whatever reason.
#8 People would probably agree when I call myself career and goal oriented.
#9 I do not give up.
#10 People have told me I am charismatic, inspiring and motivational.

Cons:
#1 I have a lot of mood swings.
#2 I'm a very intense person, which I am trying to work on.
#3 Sometimes I stand/sit awkwardly.
#4 I'm not always sure what to talk about or how to carry a conversation.
#5 In terms of attracting women, I don't drink any alcohol or attend parties. I think it's a pro, but it may be a con to others.
#6 Throughout the years I have had nervous ticks/habits that I've had a hard time controlling in public.
#7 Like Rain Man, sometimes I go into routines.
#8 I'm a vocal/opinionated person, and perhaps some women don't like that.
#9 Often times I say things I shouldn't and have impulses, Also, I could try to be funny and it could come out real awkward.
#10 I let myself fall in love too quickly.

It's a battle trying to control the cons, but I know I have the willpower to control them. On one hand, I'm not the type of person for giving up. Then again, I feel like there is little to no hope for me and I am down in the dumps because of it, no matter how good my life is otherwise.

Thanks for reading.

Hi,
You are like me i often ask myself, would i ever find somebody, who really want's to be with me, and can tolerate all my problems? ...

 

[Tarragon]

I'm 40, and can look back over the last 20 years experience and say reasonably confidently that I think you haven't got a problem really. As patronising as I might sound (but not wishing to do that) you have only just started on this road. It strikes me you are really over-analysing this, which is good - but also can trip you up/tie you in knots mentally! Unfortunately over analysing is something I can relate to!!!

It really seems to be the case that things happen when you don't expect them to, so wanting a girlfriend like you are stating here is natural but basically there's plenty of time

Doesn't really help hearing this I know(!) - sorry!

It takes time to figure all this out, and figure out who you are. Enjoy the ride - you are only 20 once! I wish I could go back to when I was 20 and tell me all this!!

 

[Sparticus]

Cool. Sounds like you made a lot of improvements. Clothes-google "peacocking" + dating. Example-my older brother always took meticulous care of how he appeared,
his hair, clothes etc. Results, as an NT women immediatly noticed him when he walked into a room.

I can't do that as I'm an Aspie. But it's food for thought. Hey I need an attitude change too; like everyday! I'm serious, everyday I want to be negative so I have to change my brain to being more positive.

The gym [and having a hobby] is suggested as confidence builders. Trust me I don't have this stuff down pat. I'm still improving and don't mean to appear as if I'm a playa or have it all together. I've been in a bad place before...it took me years to get out of it. And I'm still climbing...

Good luck!!!!!!!!!!

Sparticus, no offense taken. I know I can improve my body language. I looked up on what attractive body language is and in some cases have already made improvements. I remember when I would never look people in the eye when talking to them. Also, I would always have my head down walking. Now I walk with all the confidence in the world compared to what I was.

I know I need an attitude change. What about how I dress? I usually wear black/tan cargo pants with sweaters, button polo shirts and Hawaiian shirts. I do have a gym membership and I patronize it usually when school is not in session. Are you suggesting get a six pack? I have lost a ton of weight in the past year. Or, are you suggesting it as a confidence builder?

 

[Sparticus]

One more thing-when I was 21 and came home from living in Europe for the Summer, that night, my beautiful model looking girlfriend broke up with me. I was crushed and starting college. For 2 years I couldn't get a girlfriend. Plus I had a medium sized beard [I was really into camping.]

Anyhoo I volunteered and also became friends with a woman in my photo class. For 1 year we did a few photo assignments together and sometimes met in the darkroom. Having a female friend definitly helped me get over my shyness and get me a girlfriend.

Ok rant over...just wish you luck as I know firsthand how difficult it is.