Honesty and masking

[Matthias]

I'm reading a lot of websites, and one thing I can't get my head around -- Autists are reputed to be paragons of no-holds barred honesty, at the same time they lead lives of absolute deception, which they admit in their own words.

I don't get the contadiction.

The reason is because the honesty (not telling lies) and "deceit" (masking/pretending you're someone you're not) are both caused by fear.

I didn't tell lies because I was afraid of getting caught.
I pretended I was normal because I was afraid people would find out I wasn't normal.

Does it change depending on the power dynamics? In other words, when an Autist is safe at home with their spouse are they more than happy to boldly say her butt looks big in those jeans? But when engaging with mythical sea creatures known as NTs they will laugh at jokes they find offensive and feel victimized by it. Agree with ideas they later post contempt for, but felt they had no choice in the matter. How horrible this must feel.

This seems real unhealthy to me, and a sure way to perpetuate a victim identity. I'd feel like taking my "honesty" out on my wife too, if I let myself crawl like that.

Why not just share the content of your mind? Even if it makes you stand out from the rest. That's what it means to be honest.

You're right that masking is very unhealthy. Thankfully, CBT helped me overcome my fears and anxiety so now I can just be myself and life is sooooo much easier.

This may not apply to everyone who is autistic but when parents neglect their children's emotional needs (which is often unintentional - they may not understand or know how to deal with emotions), their children will sometimes feel rejected or develop alexithymia (trouble recognizing and describing emotions) due to experiencing a bunch of negative emotions and not having learned how to deal with them. Such people may then avoid problems due to the stress it causes (from a mix of negative emotions they don't understand). These people avoid lying and pretend to be normal to avoid stress they would experience if someone found out they lied or they weren't normal. I used to think these problems were genetic since I've been that way for as long as I can remember but I've since recovered from those problems after reading self-help books on CBT and emotional neglect.

Some symptoms of childhood emotional neglect are:

• developmental delays
  
• low self-esteem
  
• withdrawing from friends and activities
• appearing uncaring or indifferent
• shunning emotional closeness or intimacy
• depression
• anxiety

Source: Childhood Emotional Neglect: What It Is, and How It Can Affect You

 

[Rasputin]

I've been practicing Radical Honesty for 20 years, and like most people who take up honesty as a spiritual practice am fairly poor at finding and staying with the truth. So hearing about the inextricable link between Aspies and honesty appeals no end to me.

I'm reading a lot of websites, and one thing I can't get my head around -- Autists are reputed to be paragons of no-holds barred honesty, at the same time they lead lives of absolute deception, which they admit in their own words.

I don't get the contadiction. Does it change depending on the power dynamics? In other words, when an Autist is safe at home with their spouse are they more than happy to boldly say her butt looks big in those jeans? But when engaging with mythical sea creatures known as NTs they will laugh at jokes they find offensive and feel victimized by it. Agree with ideas they later post contempt for, but felt they had no choice in the matter. How horrible this must feel.

This seems real unhealthy to me, and a sure way to perpetuate a victim identity. I'd feel like taking my "honesty" out on my wife too, if I let myself crawl like that.

Why not just share the content of your mind? Even if it makes you stand out from the rest. That's what it means to be honest.

I must be an outlier, because I actually feel ill if I even think about lying. So, I am typically brutally honest. If a manager asks me a question or wants to know my opinion, I answer truthfully even when it is not politically correct. I have never been promoted to management, and my honesty is partly the reason for that. However, I am very good technically at my job, and now do a job that used to be performed by 4 FTEs. I seldom have to interact with people on the job, so I have no temptation to lie.

At home, I do mask some with my NT spouse. No I do not tell her that her butt looks big in her new pair of jeans. However, I still get In trouble frequently at home for being too blunt and too honest. So I suck at deception and lying.

 

[cnn]

Perfect!!! I was looking for a topic like this. I could be in the rant room, but here should be better.

1- I do not know the difference between honesty vs gut talk any more or in my words asperger vs ASSperger.
2- I know that the more i speak my mind, no matter what, it always blows on my face, so it is becoming like a default mode. I catch myself accepting the possibility as a fact, as if all my interactions will cease abruptly.
3- This is especially the case for macro issues, such as culture or social structures. Those things do not make sense to me, so I question them and I feel the pressure accumulating in me, I want to scream; "Bullshift".
4- What people call socioculturalsystem might have its own wisdom, but it is also ridiculously primitive.
5- So the bottom line; I do not know if it is honesty, but it is aspergers because I dont get it. On top of that i dont get why i pay a price for something that i dont get in the first place.

6- Do you see; pure Bullshift!!!

 

[SimonSays]

I always intend to be honest. I have been to the point of obsession at times in my life, but I was also capable of being dishonest and was able to lie as a kid to avoid being called out for something I did when I didn't want to have to explain why. It just seemed easier to lie, but it also became easier to lie in other areas too. It always felt wrong, but it was in many ways just another mask to me. If it allowed me to do things that weren't typical things done by those around me and not be judged for it, I wore it firmly.

Later in life as I tried to remove the masks I really struggled with this one. If you get away with things it is a hard one to let go of. I still struggle with it today. I am a lot more mindful now, so ensure I remain honest when this part of me suggests an alternative, but it isn't always easy not to let it have its way.

The truth will make you free. I truly believe that. My truth is not always seen as truth by others, but as long as I know I'm being honest with myself, or intending to be, and never intentionally hurt another, that's what matters.