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How can I finally find love?
- Thread starter Markness
- Start date
You could take steps to walk out of this bloody cycle, for one thing.
You've heard me say this like 500 times, but I'm going to say it again: until you MAKE a change, nothing will change.
You arent going to be successful immediately... that aint how things work. Relationships take time! Heck, even just making new friends takes time. But you arent going to be successful AT ALL if you just keep running this loop.
Until you can learn that lesson, this will just keep going as it has been.
Again, it's not like you have to flip everything over all in one go. You make small steps, one at a time. But you also cant take like one step and then immediately sit back down again. And if you trip and fall over, you get back up and learn from it, and keep going.
Also seriously, making these topics over and over isnt helping. When you type stuff like that out, you're only reinforcing it in your mind. Asking for help is fine, dont get me wrong. That's exactly what this forum is for. But you're simply making the exact same post over and over again, with no real change.
Something I'd really like to see from you is just... any post about something else, like some small victories you might have during your day. Like, maybe you went for a walk today and kept up a brisk pace the whole time, feeling like it was good exercise... you could say that in your status. Maybe you drew something, and you spotted little ways in which you improved since before. Then you could post a status about that. Or heck, beat a tough boss in a video game, say that too.
Just anything where you can be like, "hey! I did this!"
Doesnt that sound so much better than posting sadness over and over? Little victories like that, they add up over time. You might seriously be surprised at how much of a difference it can make over time.
Have you ever considered trying a brand new hobby? I mean like, something where you can start on the ground floor and learn a whole new set of skills or whatever, and then accomplish things within it.
You've heard me say this like 500 times, but I'm going to say it again: until you MAKE a change, nothing will change.
You arent going to be successful immediately... that aint how things work. Relationships take time! Heck, even just making new friends takes time. But you arent going to be successful AT ALL if you just keep running this loop.
Until you can learn that lesson, this will just keep going as it has been.
Again, it's not like you have to flip everything over all in one go. You make small steps, one at a time. But you also cant take like one step and then immediately sit back down again. And if you trip and fall over, you get back up and learn from it, and keep going.
Also seriously, making these topics over and over isnt helping. When you type stuff like that out, you're only reinforcing it in your mind. Asking for help is fine, dont get me wrong. That's exactly what this forum is for. But you're simply making the exact same post over and over again, with no real change.
Something I'd really like to see from you is just... any post about something else, like some small victories you might have during your day. Like, maybe you went for a walk today and kept up a brisk pace the whole time, feeling like it was good exercise... you could say that in your status. Maybe you drew something, and you spotted little ways in which you improved since before. Then you could post a status about that. Or heck, beat a tough boss in a video game, say that too.
Just anything where you can be like, "hey! I did this!"
Doesnt that sound so much better than posting sadness over and over? Little victories like that, they add up over time. You might seriously be surprised at how much of a difference it can make over time.
Have you ever considered trying a brand new hobby? I mean like, something where you can start on the ground floor and learn a whole new set of skills or whatever, and then accomplish things within it.
I asked related questions recently and feel your pain.
https://www.autismforums.com/threads/question-thats-really-bothering-me.46574/
https://www.autismforums.com/thread...sary-when-i-will-give-up-on-live-again.46531/
https://www.autismforums.com/thread...-i-am-just-so-lonely-without-a-partner.46510/
It's just that I been trying so hard for nearly 5 years. I will be approaching my 5 year anniversary in May and I am still single dispite by best effort. Meanwhile people like my two cousins who were only single for like 4 months before they found their true loves and got married. It's like they did not even have to try.
https://www.autismforums.com/threads/question-thats-really-bothering-me.46574/
https://www.autismforums.com/thread...sary-when-i-will-give-up-on-live-again.46531/
https://www.autismforums.com/thread...-i-am-just-so-lonely-without-a-partner.46510/
It's just that I been trying so hard for nearly 5 years. I will be approaching my 5 year anniversary in May and I am still single dispite by best effort. Meanwhile people like my two cousins who were only single for like 4 months before they found their true loves and got married. It's like they did not even have to try.
I agree with @Misery that it would be nice to hear more about you. Occasionally you give us a glimpse into your interests and hobbies in your profile posts. But, if you diversified the information you share about yourself, we would actually all be better poised to give you meaningful suggestions for these questions that you have been ruminating on. Perhaps for the new year, you could try posting in lots of different threads instead of just making your own for the most part.
Some thoughts on the topic:
Hypothetical situation. You are asked to participate in a social experiment. You walk into a large warehouse. Inside that warehouse there are a few thousand people, just standing next to each other, milling around, talking. Now, you are asked, "If you are looking for a life partner, and could take anyone home with you, who would it be?". Just in terms of first impressions, what might you be attracted to? Well, you can go "shallow" and say, "Someone who is handsome/beautiful." Perhaps. You might also say, "Someone who appears physically healthy." Perhaps. Maybe, "Someone who appears wealthy." Perhaps. But, if you really are looking for a person for which you are seeking a long-term relationship with, you want to be happy, first and foremost. If that's the case, then you start looking for someone who projects happiness in their face, their social interactions, their body language. People who project positivity. Physical looks fade, health may even fade, but with a lifelong partner, you need to live with this person, make decisions together, walk the same path. Do you think anyone is going to want to be around a person that projects negativity, has a low-self esteem, mopes around in a depressive state? No way. If you are the positive one, you don't want all that mental work of constantly trying to bring the other person up. It's exhausting. So, some perspective here. You basically have to be happy and content with yourself FIRST, then others will see that in the way you carry yourself. You're more likely to have people walk up to you. In other words, people will find you.
So, flip that situation around. Someone else is looking for a life partner. You are in that crowd of people. Based upon the logic presented above, what are your odds of being picked?
Hypothetical situation. You are asked to participate in a social experiment. You walk into a large warehouse. Inside that warehouse there are a few thousand people, just standing next to each other, milling around, talking. Now, you are asked, "If you are looking for a life partner, and could take anyone home with you, who would it be?". Just in terms of first impressions, what might you be attracted to? Well, you can go "shallow" and say, "Someone who is handsome/beautiful." Perhaps. You might also say, "Someone who appears physically healthy." Perhaps. Maybe, "Someone who appears wealthy." Perhaps. But, if you really are looking for a person for which you are seeking a long-term relationship with, you want to be happy, first and foremost. If that's the case, then you start looking for someone who projects happiness in their face, their social interactions, their body language. People who project positivity. Physical looks fade, health may even fade, but with a lifelong partner, you need to live with this person, make decisions together, walk the same path. Do you think anyone is going to want to be around a person that projects negativity, has a low-self esteem, mopes around in a depressive state? No way. If you are the positive one, you don't want all that mental work of constantly trying to bring the other person up. It's exhausting. So, some perspective here. You basically have to be happy and content with yourself FIRST, then others will see that in the way you carry yourself. You're more likely to have people walk up to you. In other words, people will find you.
So, flip that situation around. Someone else is looking for a life partner. You are in that crowd of people. Based upon the logic presented above, what are your odds of being picked?
You need to ask somebody out for a date to even have a chance. The world is not going to gift you a partner.
How can I when 99% of the new women I encounter are taken? Really, and I am not joking anymore I am dead serious now. Trying to find a single woman in new york city is like trying to find a needle in a haystack.
Perhaps you need to fish in a different pond? Go where there may be women interested in activities and would enjoy companionship. I was failing at finding an active woman though I was dating women I worked with. Then, joining outings groups (even with people much older, just to practice being social) I met a woman who was hoping to meet a man she could do outdoor activities with. We hit it off and have been active together.
And, sometimes you could get lucky. On Friday I was at a local watering hole, sitting alone and intent on having a meal and beer. Two women approached me and asked me to join them. They were with a couple more friends having a girls' night out. Sure, I said. They fed me pizza and I had nice conversations with them. There was one who was especially pleasant and chirpy around me and I think were I single I could have had a date with her if I had asked.
Xinyta
Seeking myself in a unusual world
Instead of asking why to the world. Ask why to yourself. No one will have answers to your life but you.
Introspection is a heck of a tool to recognize personal faults and missteps.
Journaling is also a heck of a tool for a similar reason. Seeing your thoughts both positive and negative in a more tangible way. Giving you time to look at what you need to strengthen and what to remove or change.
The tricky part is actually wanting to help yourself. If you think nothing is wrong or are too scared to try. Then you have problems that need to be addressed first, before taking the next step.
Introspection is a heck of a tool to recognize personal faults and missteps.
Journaling is also a heck of a tool for a similar reason. Seeing your thoughts both positive and negative in a more tangible way. Giving you time to look at what you need to strengthen and what to remove or change.
The tricky part is actually wanting to help yourself. If you think nothing is wrong or are too scared to try. Then you have problems that need to be addressed first, before taking the next step.
Lower your standards and see what happens. You have nothing to lose.
I am a woman who has lived in NYC for over 25 years....and the whole time, I have heard the single women I have known complain that all of the guys are taken! It's just hard to meet people here, because everyone is so cagey and afraid to talk to other people in general. You have to branch out and try new places if the ones you go to aren't yielding any results. I would suggest doing more different things you like, and maybe you will meet someone there ......and you will have something in common. Especially if it involves your special interests. What are your special interests? Maybe we could help with suggestions of places to meet people if we knew. Also, have you tried any of the ASD meet ups in NY? Have you tried going to new places outside of your neighborhood? NYC is huge and there are new people coming here every day.
Also, statistics show, that for every age category, there are more women than men in NYC!
New York, NY Population by Gender - 2023 New York, NY Gender Demographics | Neilsberg
Another question is: what is your criteria for the kind of woman you are looking for? Age range, physical type, education status, lifestyle, religion, etc? Are you being over picky or excluding people who might be perfect if you loosen your criteria a little? I agree with Neonatal that looks are not everything. They fade in time....and a pretty face can never make up for a bad personality.....but a good personality can blind you to a few physical imperfections.
I agree with this.....you could just see it as a practice or trial run for the real thing.......and you can make friends this way too. Who knows, you might have better success if you start by taking some of the pressure off of the situation. You would feel more relaxed and have fun, and it would be easier the next time you want to ask someone out. I also think people can sometimes have extremely high standards because they are afraid of being rejected themselves. If no one is good enough, they can never be rejected....but they are also never allowing themselves to find a partner. I also think fear of success lures us into inaction....it is something I have seen in myself. Relationships are not all unicorns and rainbows, they are a lot of hard work......you should ask yourself if you are really ready for that and what you can contribute to the relationship.
Heck no. We are looking but we are not finding anything.
As for going places. I been going just about everywhere and there are no single women. The last place I been there were literally only four single women I know them all, all the rest of the women the 55 of them were freaking married and the remaining few had boyfriends. No freaking joke. Really made me depressed.
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Well, that’s not what I am thinking at all.
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I’ve learned that even attempting to date feels like banging your head against a wall, especially in this rough culture I live in.
Or even trying to find someone single to even date I want to bang my head against the wall and I really nearly attempted it a few times but I found other unhealthy ways to cope.
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