How can I get my Aspergers son to get a job? Wits end.

[etbe]

I think drug use is the biggest problem here. Regardless of neuro-type people who smoke dope frequently end up doing nothing useful with their lives. Someone suggested involving the legal system, in some countries that might work but in more repressive countries like the US that would be a really bad idea, maybe even a death sentence (Aspies would tend to do badly in prison).

The option of allowing him to move in with an automated payment for food and board is a good idea. I suggest making the payment $250 per week (slightly less than the rent he was supposed to be paying) which doesn't leave much money for drugs. Have a strict policy of no drugs in your house.

Finally you have to make it a priority to care for the other kids. They don't deserve to suffer because their brother is an addict. If you live in the US it might be best to just cut him off for the sake of the other kids.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Rollerskate pretty much nailed all my thoughts with the "spoiled" thing. He's got to learn some responsibility somewhere because statistically children outlive their parents and there is no guarantee younger siblings outlive older ones. You said he likes cars and nutrition? If he's passionate enough, could he pursue a career as a mechanic or engineer for cars, or maybe as a dieting/health consultant or chef with food? Or how about that remix thing, is there a passion enough for music there he could play an instrument or somehow work in the music industry? Aspie or not, having a productive and self-sufficient life generally makes a person more at peace with themselves than being a bum, and certainly brings up their standing with their family and friends. And even if he is unable to get a job or go self-employed due to social issues or something, he could at least keep the house and yard neat for you.

The plethora of nurses in my husband's family say you cannot get physically addicted to pot anymore than you can to chocolate milk, so perhaps the issue with getting him sober will be self control instead of detox trouble.

 

[gregmcph]

I think I agree with alot of folks here.
He's spoiled and gotten lazy, rather than merely ASP.

I know you can't just abandon him, but set a budget... someone said $150, but if that's too tight, then okay, $250. And then ruthlessly say "NO" beyond that. Mum will find that tough. She needs adjustment as much as your son.

Do not wash is clothes, keep the Free Food to a minimum. Make his control his own life more.

 

[gregmcph]

Another thought. It's about time you and your wife went on a nice long holiday. Off to Florida or Europe or Thailand or Hawaii. A solid month away. Set up an automated payment online from your bank account to his... that $250 a week.... and head off somewhere with no phone reception.

 

[Hummer]

I'm 28 , My father passed away wile I wass 20. I wass lucky enogh for having a verry caring dad. As for employment I win the lottery ! Dad was a business owner. That been said ... I was working as any normal employee. Was alwais on time . At home , I dint have to pay for anything. But My father wass ther , waking me up evry morning and encouraging me to go to work or at school. That been said

He has a major interest in Nutrition. Nutrician is his specialty Aspies skill.

In his contract ... why dont you put him in charge of food ... He can help choosing the menue , make sure evry one eat well ... and dont forget ... he need to manage the food budget for the home

 

[Cali Cat]

I didn't read all the other responses, so I apologize if this is a repeat of advice you've already received.

The first thing that needs to happen is for him to be officially diagnosed. If he truly has a disability, he may be entitled to financial help through a government program. Maybe you can use that as leverage to get him to the doctor for a consultation and testing.

I don't know where you are, but in the US there is a program where an individual who is incapable of handling their own finances can be appointed a "guardian" of sorts. I can't think of the official word for it. This guardian is in control of the individual's money that he/she receives from the state, and is able to decide how much money the individual is allowed to have. The guardian pays all the bills for the individual, and whatever is left can be doled out on a monthly, weekly or daily basis, depending on how responsible the individual is. That prevents the individual from spending all his/her money on drugs. I know about this because my bf is on such a program in California. His brother handles his money because my bf is an alcoholic with no monetary self-control. This is also why it is important to get a formal diagnosis. You or his mother could claim control of his finances, or a social worker could be appointed to him to handle his money.

I will tell you one thing more. An Aspie is like anybody else in regards to this: They will get away with whatever they are allowed to get away with.

I wish you and your family the best.

 

[Dawn Marcotte]

I see someone already suggested automatic payments - you might see if he is willing to let you or his mother also be on his bank account and then she can 'pay' his rent out of his own money.

I would also like to suggest something a little different for a job - it isn't easy, but it may fall right into his comfort zone - an online business of some kind helping others learn about nutrition or whatever it is about nutrition that he likes.

Online he wouldn't have the issues with social interaction that he might have in person. This kind of business is not easy to do, but there are lots of people out there who are willing to help him.

 

[nowwhat]

Tell him you're going to, then actually stop paying his rent. Send him some food every two weeks. Shoot uncooked rice at him with a slingshot if he attempts to come back home. Tell him to collect the rice and boil his own water if he's hungry. Be prepared to be hated by your son. Ironically, this is sometimes the result of proper parenting. Tell him to quit smoking so much pot if he cries hardship and point out that weed isn't cheap. Oh, and agree on a united front in all this with your wife beforehand, or don't waste your time even trying to help your kid.

As parents we love and nurture our children. The world only values them for their material contributions, and cares about them not one whit. We must somehow, by loving them unconditionally, prepare them for a lifetime of indifferent use. There is no avoiding this handoff, only postponing. It has now become a crash course for your son.

 

[Spinning Compass]

I think you may be looking at this a little backwards. You want him to get a job--as if it were simply a matter of willpower. It's not that simple.

Jobs exist because employers have needs. Not because people need jobs (although it is true that they do). What needs do employers have in your area? What are THEY looking for? What skill sets are required? What qualifications?

You may find--and he may find--that he is essentially unemployable because he cannot bring to the table the specific things that employers in your area are looking for and need. This, sadly, is not uncommon. My employer is one of the largest in my area and I get asked all the time if they are hiring. Unfortunately, those who ask me often do not have any of the mininum skills to get them in the door. Do they have a high school diploma? If no, sorry. Are they computer-literate? If no, sorry. They may--if they are lucky--get a job cleaning animal cages which is messy, dirty work. If they manage to last a year, and they find they like what the company does and they have some potential, they may qualify for a transfer and training. It's not flipping burgers.

Also, if he is using drugs. most employers I know (and especially my own) do drug screening, so that renders him unemployable right off the bat.

So, what is he qualified to do? Doesn't sound like he has a lot of experience and a lot of education, so he is going to have to start at the very bottom. And there are more people out there looking for entry-level, unskilled jobs than there are positions available. So--you may want to see what kind of options he does have regarding vocational training. Unfortunately, as others have already pointed out, sooner or later he will be on his own.

I have a cousin in his 50's who, although he does have a college degree, does not have the work or educational experience to be able to support himself. He recently lost the only job he has ever held, a part-time position at a library. He lives in an area of high unemployment, few opportunities, and has never lived away from home. His father passed away not long ago and his mother is in her 80's and not in the best of health. What is going to happen to him when she dies? They live way out in the country, away from the few available services. I'm afraid his life is going to change drastically and he will find himself in a situation where he has no control over what happens to him. This is a tragedy that has been decades in the making.

 

[Nick12]

KEEP ON TELLING HIM SMOKING DOPE IS VERRY VERRY VERRY VERRY VERRY VERRY VERRY BAD FOR HIS HELTH AND TELL HIM HE MIGHT DIE FROM IT I WISH YOU A VERRY VERRY HAPPY DAY