Hi Everybody.
I've posted several things on here and your feedback has been immensely helpful. This is probably going to be really long so I hope that doesn't discourage you from reading it. I feel like I need to give you the history.
This has to do with how becoming aware you were on the spectrum affected your relationships.
I won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say I would bet my life that my boyfriend has undiagnosed AS. He's almost 50 years old and high functioning.
I've done a lot of reading and perusing websites seeking information and it's been crucial for me in understanding how the differences in our wiring are responsible for an untold number of issues that have arisen between us. It's basically helped me to cope with difficulties I've had in our relationship.
I felt as though it wasn't my right to point out to him the possibility of AS. I wasn't sure my reasons were noble (I.e. to satisfy my own curiosity) and I thought it could be hurtful to somebody who sees himself as getting along fine.
In the past I have made observations- that we see things from a different perspective. This is true for him with others as well. For example, once he was baffled and distressed that his boss had called his character into question. Apparently he had come across as unprofessional when he insulted a customer. When I broke down what appeared to have happened in the interaction, he seemed to understand. He says he's been fired from quite a few jobs because stupid people annoy him. Lol.
So a few weeks ago when he said some things to me that were extremely hurtful, but he clearly was clueless as to why, I gently broached the subject because it's clearly affecting us as a couple. His initial response after I explained some of the traits was curiosity. "Hmmmm. I'll have to look into that more," he said. Several days later when I brought it up again in convo, he said: he didn't have it, that did have some of the traits, thank you for caring enough about him to read up on it, that I needed to worry about myself (I have depression), and even if he did have it, what's the point at his age?
So of course I backed off and said I was sorry if it upset him but I felt like whatever's going on was affecting our relationship, so it was important for me to bring it up. He did acknowledge how some of his behaviors are problematic. He doesn't come right out and say it, but based on comments he makes, I can tell he's trying to remedy mistakes he made in his marriage. He tries. That's evident.
When we had the productive conversation, and he hadn't become defensive, I brought up the fact that I would like us to see a relationship counselor. I would've looked for somebody who has experience in ASD, who could understand that he wasn't just being an insensitive boob, and help us bridge some our communication gaps and be an objective "interpreter", perhaps.
I just told him I'd like to do it because I think it could help with understanding each other better. I doubt you'd be surprised by his response. He'd rather we communicate like we had at that moment. And he didn't understand how a counselor would help anything. Well that would be great if we COULD talk but he usually gets defensive.
Anyway, I'll be wrapping this up. I'm not unrealistic. I see where this is going. I can feel it in my heart. But I'm not quite ready to let go or give up.
And on some level, he knows. He's alluded to making mistakes in his past relationships. And the other day he said, " you'll eventually get sick of me." :-(
So If you've gotten this far, thanks for bearing with me. To my question(s) about your individual experiences. When you realized you were on the spectrum, in spite of the fact it didn't change how your brain is wired or automatically improve areas you struggled with, how did the newfound awareness affect your relationships- romantic, family, and friends?
Your perspective is invaluable! I appreciate it.
I've posted several things on here and your feedback has been immensely helpful. This is probably going to be really long so I hope that doesn't discourage you from reading it. I feel like I need to give you the history.
This has to do with how becoming aware you were on the spectrum affected your relationships.
I won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say I would bet my life that my boyfriend has undiagnosed AS. He's almost 50 years old and high functioning.
I've done a lot of reading and perusing websites seeking information and it's been crucial for me in understanding how the differences in our wiring are responsible for an untold number of issues that have arisen between us. It's basically helped me to cope with difficulties I've had in our relationship.
I felt as though it wasn't my right to point out to him the possibility of AS. I wasn't sure my reasons were noble (I.e. to satisfy my own curiosity) and I thought it could be hurtful to somebody who sees himself as getting along fine.
In the past I have made observations- that we see things from a different perspective. This is true for him with others as well. For example, once he was baffled and distressed that his boss had called his character into question. Apparently he had come across as unprofessional when he insulted a customer. When I broke down what appeared to have happened in the interaction, he seemed to understand. He says he's been fired from quite a few jobs because stupid people annoy him. Lol.
So a few weeks ago when he said some things to me that were extremely hurtful, but he clearly was clueless as to why, I gently broached the subject because it's clearly affecting us as a couple. His initial response after I explained some of the traits was curiosity. "Hmmmm. I'll have to look into that more," he said. Several days later when I brought it up again in convo, he said: he didn't have it, that did have some of the traits, thank you for caring enough about him to read up on it, that I needed to worry about myself (I have depression), and even if he did have it, what's the point at his age?
So of course I backed off and said I was sorry if it upset him but I felt like whatever's going on was affecting our relationship, so it was important for me to bring it up. He did acknowledge how some of his behaviors are problematic. He doesn't come right out and say it, but based on comments he makes, I can tell he's trying to remedy mistakes he made in his marriage. He tries. That's evident.
When we had the productive conversation, and he hadn't become defensive, I brought up the fact that I would like us to see a relationship counselor. I would've looked for somebody who has experience in ASD, who could understand that he wasn't just being an insensitive boob, and help us bridge some our communication gaps and be an objective "interpreter", perhaps.
I just told him I'd like to do it because I think it could help with understanding each other better. I doubt you'd be surprised by his response. He'd rather we communicate like we had at that moment. And he didn't understand how a counselor would help anything. Well that would be great if we COULD talk but he usually gets defensive.
Anyway, I'll be wrapping this up. I'm not unrealistic. I see where this is going. I can feel it in my heart. But I'm not quite ready to let go or give up.
And on some level, he knows. He's alluded to making mistakes in his past relationships. And the other day he said, " you'll eventually get sick of me." :-(
So If you've gotten this far, thanks for bearing with me. To my question(s) about your individual experiences. When you realized you were on the spectrum, in spite of the fact it didn't change how your brain is wired or automatically improve areas you struggled with, how did the newfound awareness affect your relationships- romantic, family, and friends?
Your perspective is invaluable! I appreciate it.
) but I think it definitely helps knowing about my aspergers as it helps me understand why I struggle with certain things and helps me articulate and explain my issues to others.
