How did adult diagnosis (or suspected) affect your relationships?

[yotimbo]

Hi , i was officially diagnosed in dec 2015 at the age of 42 . The response from my family (parents and siblings) was one of denial and all the problems and symptoms i try to describe to them they dismiss with comments like " oh yes i get that too" or "well i think its about time you got a grip of yourself Timothy and grew some balls!" . (i have balls). In some ways it has been good to understand myself better and not feel like a pathetic weak person because im able to finally label my problems as something out of my control but on the other hand i have noticed that there is very little help for people with AS .

 

[WereBear]

Hi , i was officially diagnosed in dec 2015 at the age of 42 . The response from my family (parents and siblings) was one of denial and all the problems and symptoms i try to describe to them they dismiss with comments like " oh yes i get that too" or "well i think its about time you got a grip of yourself Timothy and grew some balls!" . (i have balls). In some ways it has been good to understand myself better and not feel like a pathetic weak person because im able to finally label my problems as something out of my control but on the other hand i have noticed that there is very little help for people with AS .

Crikey! I have family like that too, but I try to avoid them.

Such comments as "grow a pair" are incredibly dismissive and always make me think of The Great Santini, which film was a sanitized version of the author's real father, I understand. It's just denial on the part of people giving such advice. They care, but cannot acknowledge someone else needing something, when they just might be HUGE GLOWING VORTEXES OF NEED themselves, and so don't want anyone else getting any.

Excuse me, I am just so angry that your family is treating you this way.

The one person I do think needs to know is OURSELVES. If I were making money in a way that does not conflict with my condition, I would be loud and proud, but going public is still a dilemma I am wrestling with myself.

Still, I didn't log on here under a cloak of anonymity I debated doing so, but decided this is not something I want to do. It is similar to how LBTQ folks had to feel "cloaked." But I also believe that progress was made when people come out of the closet, so I am leaning that way myself.

 

[Warmheart]

WereBear , you hit on it. Many people refuse to recognize others having legitimate challenges because they themselves are such massive, whirling vortexes of need, that they cannot acknowledge others having need, because they don't want anyone else getting any of the attention/help they want for themselves.

"ASD?! She's fine. She just needs to .....TRY HARDER."

So, we 'achieve our way' right into the hospital.

 

[sisselcakes]

As I discovered over the years, dating: everyone has something.

It know it is tough, sisselcakes, but you have the incredible advantage of knowing what is going on. If you know he really does love you, perhaps that can help when things are tough?

Thank you for the perspective!

 

[sisselcakes]

For my wife and I, it saved our relationship. My meltdowns were very violent and distructive. Breaking things, hitting her, throwing things at her ect. Once my therapist diagnosed me, started working with me using both CBT and ABA therapies, then after I started to come around she brought my wife in to the sessions and educate her on how not to enable my meltdowns, on realistic expectitions of what I can and cannot change. It has changed the world for us. Now she knows she has to somewhat be a caretaker of me on my lower functioning days. To be direct and not expect me to "read" her body language or to just know when she needs something. Its still not easy, we both have to work at it every day, but we both love each other in our own special ways. She just now better understands how I show my love for her since its not always the same as someone who is NT. Mike

so

Interesting things have happened recently related to this. When my spouse retired last year, I asked one of his closer buddies at work if they knew he had Aspergers? He seemed shocked, and said no. Last weekend we went out for dinner with two couples we've known for fifteen or so years, both of whom he's worked with.

I noticed they treated us differently from the last few times we've been out together. It was more as if they felt sorry for me, a kind of sad empathy, a pat on the back for the poor woman who is married to someone with Asperger's. They don't understand, and likely never will. They also don't know that I'm on the spectrum as well. There really is no point in explaining anything to them. They are not close enough to warrant any explanation.

As for my biological family, there would be no reason that I might do such a thing. I haven't told them anything personal in about ten years. They are not interested in my life, if they show any interest it's usually a setup for requesting something big such as a loan or a favor of some sort.

It's sad to hear of the response you got from couples you have known for so long, people I'm guessing you consider friends, and it's unfortunate that you can't share your experience with your family even if you wanted to. On one hand it's frustrating to not have the understanding of friends and family, while on the other hand understandable, because I still get frustrated at when he starts perseverating on something or says something that seems rude but doesn't seem to be intentional. I'm someone who has done a ton of reading, watched youtube videos, checked out blogs, etc; and I still have trouble wrapping my head around it. I've read that an ASD/NT relationship can get lonely and I understand how that can be. I'm a very social person with close friends, and even the most empathetic of them don't really get it. When I try to share things, I feel like I'm making excuses for my bf.

Thought I would make a point while I'm thinking of it. There is a very different dynamic between me and my bf, compared to non -ASD people. He has said things that have thrown me into rages (at least internal rage). I have never had that happen in a relationship. And it's hard for me to control. In spite of my knowledge base, it's like a wasp sting. Emotions are IMMEDIATELY triggered before I have time to process what happened. This is the difference though between a romantic relationship with him. If he says something that hurts my feelings, once the anger has dissipated, the hurt is gone. I may harbor some resentment. I won't lie about that. But it's so different from if I were with someone who I could SENSE intentionally hurt me. It's like the anger dissipates and there's nothing there. It's very hard to explain, but that's how I can tell the difference between his behavior and someone who intentionally tries to put me down or hurt me. What's strange to me is this isn't a rational process that I talk myself out of. I just happens. That probably seems very convoluted.

BTW, I feel like I'm on here bitching about my bf; but it helps to write it and to get people's feedback because you can't get the same out in the "real world".

 

[sisselcakes]

For my wife and I, it saved our relationship. My meltdowns were very violent and distructive. Breaking things, hitting her, throwing things at her ect. Once my therapist diagnosed me, started working with me using both CBT and ABA therapies, then after I started to come around she brought my wife in to the sessions and educate her on how not to enable my meltdowns, on realistic expectitions of what I can and cannot change. It has changed the world for us. Now she knows she has to somewhat be a caretaker of me on my lower functioning days. To be direct and not expect me to "read" her body language or to just know when she needs something. Its still not easy, we both have to work at it every day, but we both love each other in our own special ways. She just now better understands how I show my love for her since its not always the same as someone who is NT. Mike

Hi Artful Dodger,

Could you share what you mean by enabling meltdowns? Do you mean, for example, for the NT to be more aware of their partner's frustration level in a given moment, so as to guide them how to respond? I've heard of ABA. I work in mental health (I'm a shining example of optimal mental health. LOL) but I'm not very familiar with it. Going to check it out.

 

[sisselcakes]

I think it can help my 15 year marriage. He is an artist and musician, so has always accepted my quirks as part of me being an artist too (writer.) This put down a nice foundation in which neither of us has any "normal" expectations

Oh, I like that framing of "normal" expectations. Great way to see it.

 

[sisselcakes]

Since your husband does not feel comfortable with the diagnosis, a diagnosis is not likely to help him. He should be encouraged to go with you to conventions, workshops, and/or even support group meetings possibly. Many support group meetings might seem too low functioning for him, and this may be the case. I did not get diagnosed until real late and it did not benefit me at All until this year by luck. Heck i have not even been able to fit in the autistic world very well above more than well acquainted most of the time. Something else to keep in mind.

Hi there. Thank you for sharing your experience.

These are my thoughts about him and a formal diagnosis. I agree with you. He's 49. He feels as though he functions fine, though he has admitted on occasions he's trying to correct past (relationship) mistakes. I feel like an interpreter sometimes who doesn't speak the language I'm trying to interpret. LOL. I have to read between the lines and pieced things together to come up with what I believe he is trying to say. Luckily one of us has highly developed cognitive empathy skills!

When I first brought it up, he was somewhat open. He saw the link between getting fired so many times in the past, offending people when he didn't say anything offensive (not intentional), and admitted he has a hard time putting himself in someone's shoes. He got defensive when I brought it up on another occasion but then softened a bit. Bottom line is I don't care about a diagnosis and I know I can't technically diagnose anyone. At this stage of the game, I don't see any benefit of a diagnosis because he's not going to get benefits or apply for medical leave or ask for special accommodations. It really doesn't matter. Regardless, that would be his decision.

He had shown some interest and admitted he does have some characteristics, but he doesn't have "it" and "what would be the point anyway?" He agreed that it's good to learn about things even if you "don't have it" because it may explain some things that weren't clear in the past and whatever insight can be gleaned may be helpful.

So now, when we have trouble understanding each other, I tend to you phrases like "I know our brains process things differently", etc. when we are trying to work out some challenges. It helps me to frame it that way. Not sure if he feels the same but he doesn't disagree!

 

[sisselcakes]

Hi , i was officially diagnosed in dec 2015 at the age of 42 . The response from my family (parents and siblings) was one of denial and all the problems and symptoms i try to describe to them they dismiss with comments like " oh yes i get that too" or "well i think its about time you got a grip of yourself Timothy and grew some balls!" . (i have balls). In some ways it has been good to understand myself better and not feel like a pathetic weak person because im able to finally label my problems as something out of my control but on the other hand i have noticed that there is very little help for people with AS .

Yikes. Sorry you had such an unsupportive, and frankly, judgmental response from your family. I see you are a new member. Hang around here. I think you will find it helpful. Everyone is really helpful and friendly here. If you aren't feeling "heard" anywhere, you will be here.

 

[Adora]

I didn't know I was on the spectrum until I was 31 and how it affected my relationships? Well I haven't told many people nor do I plan to but when I told my husband he told me he always "knew" even before I did and even said that his mum knows too even though I never said anything to her but he told she has always known aswell,as for my side of the family my aunt knows and is understanding though she told my grandfather who i haven't seen in years and he didn't even know what it is and that it exists,as for my mum it went over her head and I think she doesn't comprehend it either,I choose to not tell many due to people not getting it so I only tell a very select few.

 

[WereBear]

Thanks to the fine advice on this board, I am telling only pertinent medical personnel and very good friends, especially the ones who know about my terrible chronic illness which seems to have been caused by the classic Aspie MidLife Breakdown.

All have been supportive and I am happy I have chosen wisely in the people around me.

 

[artfull dodger]

When my wife and I would get into arguments, and let my preface it by that I do NOT like to argue as I totaly suck at it, I would try to retreat to a safe room away from her, she would persue me to the room and keep pushing the issue, belittling me for "running away" or "hiding". If it was bed time, I would hide under the covers, she would rip them off the bed. She would keep pushing me till the argument would become physical with shoving and hitting (full blown meltdown on my part). At that time, I was undiagnosed, so even I didn't know what was happening. At that time as well, I had a lot of rage that I had pushed down deep inside me from my years in school being beat up on a daily basis, bullied and pestered constantly. Parents that didn't really show me that I was loved or that they cared two shits what happened to me. Thru a wonderful therapist, I have managed to cope with a lot of this deep seated resentment for others and processed some of it. But its still there, down deep. Without totaly changing the topic, I have always been a "Pearl Jam" fan, love Eddie Vedders music, but had never sat down and read the meaning behind the song Jeremy. That song has always been one I felt a connection to for some reason. Just didn't know why. Whiles its unknown what all mental issues the boy that inspired the song had and I wont guess at it. All I can say is I was there, all I needed was the gun and I would have commited suicide in front of a class in school to prove I wasn't weak, or a coward. But unlike the young man in the song, I managed(somehow) to fight off the feelings and I am still here today. Those feelings returned in full force during the dark days of my marriage, everything I escaped once out of school(the bullies)returned in my mind thru my wife. Had I not gotten the help I needed, I don't even what to think about what could have happened to me or both of us. After reading the back story to that song, I was suddenly very tired, and very upset how close I was to doing the same thing that young boy did. He was 15, and 2 years younger than me, so the age was very close and we both had the same school issues from what is written about his life. I just lacked the divorced parents and drug use. Fast forward to today. If my wife see's me starting to retreat or looking like I need to. She will break off the discussion and tell me to just go to bed, or go do something that I enjoy. No longer does she keep pushing issues when I am at my breaking point. She allows me my "alone time" to calm down. I have learned to better know when I am overwhelmed and need to be alone. Not that it works every time, I still have meltdowns, just not the massive and violent ones I used to. As to telling folks I am Aspie, I do not hide it from many. With myself going non verbal under high stress and shutting down, and my work enviroment(small engine tech at a huge farm dealership). They need to know to keep me safe, to know whats going on if I do not respond to them right away. And they do this with open arms. The owners are all about accepting everybody, and its my Aspie ablities that make me the small engine mechanic that I am. Mike

 

[clg114]

I was not diagnosed until I was 62. When I told my wife, she said "Wow. There is a name for your weirdness?" The truth is, it did not change our relationship to much. We just carried on like we have for the last 40+ years.

 

[sisselcakes]

I didn't know I was on the spectrum until I was 31 and how it affected my relationships? Well I haven't told many people nor do I plan to but when I told my husband he told me he always "knew" even before I did and even said that his mum knows too even though I never said anything to her but he told she has always known aswell,as for my side of the family my aunt knows and is understanding though she told my grandfather who i haven't seen in years and he didn't even know what it is and that it exists,as for my mum it went over her head and I think she doesn't comprehend it either,I choose to not tell many due to people not getting it so I only tell a very select few.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm not on the spectrum but do deal with depression and anxiety. I'm pretty open about those, but most people have a basic understanding of those issues. I have to agree with you on being selective with whom you share the diagnosis. First, I do think a certain stigma could cause people you already know to treat you differently. Secondly, people DON'T understand. It's so hard for us NTs to get how much the wiring of the brain affects cognition and behavior. For example, early on I noticed things with by bf sometimes didn't click when we tried to communicate. It really was like we were on a different planet. I researched like crazy and realized he was almost certainly on the spectrum. At first I would be very hurt if he said something that came across as insulting. I'm close to my family and would vent to them which gave them a bad taste in their mouth regarding him. Later, I realized some of the behavior was his bluntness or meltdowns. After I started to realize this, I shared with some family. I sounded like a battered woman making excuses for how he sometimes treated me; but I realized where this was originating from. They insisted he needed to change certain ways. I understand his limitations and workarounds I need to do. It's not to say he doesn't try to change in positive ways when I ask him to, but he will never change the way he perceives things and there are other traits he will never lose. It's okay though because I'm learning how to respond logically and not freak out when he upsets me.

 

[clg114]

Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm not on the spectrum but do deal with depression and anxiety. I'm pretty open about those, but most people have a basic understanding of those issues. I have to agree with you on being selective with whom you share the diagnosis. First, I do think a certain stigma could cause people you already know to treat you differently. Secondly, people DON'T understand. It's so hard for us NTs to get how much the wiring of the brain affects cognition and behavior. For example, early on I noticed things with by bf sometimes didn't click when we tried to communicate. It really was like we were on a different planet. I researched like crazy and realized he was almost certainly on the spectrum. At first I would be very hurt if he said something that came across as insulting. I'm close to my family and would vent to them which gave them a bad taste in their mouth regarding him. Later, I realized some of the behavior was his bluntness or meltdowns. After I started to realize this, I shared with some family. I sounded like a battered woman making excuses for how he sometimes treated me; but I realized where this was originating from. They insisted he needed to change certain ways. I understand his limitations and workarounds I need to do. It's not to say he doesn't try to change in positive ways when I ask him to, but he will never change the way he perceives things and there are other traits he will never lose. It's okay though because I'm learning how to respond logically and not freak out when he upsets me.

It is very unusual for a NT to have a understanding of autism that you do. I know that you did a lot of research to gain this knowledge. That in itself is very Aspie like. Your logically worded post suggests the same. Are you sure that you are not one of us?

 

[Crossbreed]

My wife was attracted to my [as yet unlabeled] quirkiness, at first. She lost that sense of humor when she later acquired depression. (Her antidepressants help her to tolerate me, but just that.)