How did you feel when you discovered that you were, or suspected you were, in the spectrum?

[Rachie]

Rachie,

Thank you for writing such a beautiful, heart-felt message to comfort. I am so glad you are at peace with this, and that you are now using it to witness to others.

You are correct in picking up that this has been a difficult journey for me not only emotionally but spiritually (which would comport well with the gifts that you mention possessing in your blog!).

I think the long and short is, I have a separate disability, being deaf and mute, and I had thought of myself as a genius if not that for one handicap. I had severe emotional problems in teenagehood and early adulthood, but I thought I bootstrapped myself out of those. (Not-so-coincidentally, this is when I started drinking.)

At my peak, I was a corporate executive.

Through the ASD diagnosis, and the subsequent resurgence of symptoms (especially sensory and stimming), everything that happened in Hebrews 12 and Romans 6 have come to pass. Since this isn't the religion forum, I will leave you to infer the pieces after that.

Yes, we are a new creation - but the new creation is not promised to be what our old selves thought it'd be like! And that's really the root of my anger and feelings of betrayal. I do not have the right to feel this way - I need to accept myself for who I am, stripped of the layers of alcohol and pride.

There's a lot of anger involved, yes, and unfortunately, anger towards where it is least deserved (heavenly). I don't like living with these sensory or meltdown issues. I went for years without crying. Now it's a lucky day without crying.

You know where Paul says - if any of us thinks we are something, we are badly mistaken. And I feel like I've been given my heaping serving of crow and then some. All richly deserved. Because my family suffered, much like @Xinyta suffered from his father who had a pretty much identical trajectory.

I'll be fine, and I know I will be fine, because you and I share the same faith.

Thank you for comforting me. It means a lot. Truly.

jsilver256, thank you, your post has truly made me understand your situation and with your co-morbidites fully as well, even though I had read of them this has given me more clarity. You are making strides as well though. It is a journey as we know as well. It is my hope you can keep on going on this up and down journey with you recovery.

Stimming as I mentioned in another post, now in our lives with stress etc we can ourselves stimming in ways we hadn't earlier in our lives. To see yourself doing it in later life more than childhood can be a bit surprising as well. Something for another topic. My nurse for another condition is now saying suppressing it is a bit old fashioned But in some circumstances you may try and prevent it and who wants meltdowns and the behavioural issues etc. For another topic.

 

[Roisin]

I think it was like grief in a way, the loss of an unsustainable way of living.
It brought permission to start validating what my body and mind had told me for years.

Immense relief with self compassion, confusion and frustration, heartbreak and anger for the child me that was failed, fear and a new sense of vulnerability.

Freedom and acceptance came much later, like years later, after I processed the traumas intermingled with my real self.

 

[Rachie]

Through the ASD diagnosis, and the subsequent resurgence of symptoms (especially sensory and stimming), everything that happened in Hebrews 12 and Romans 6 have come to pass. Since this isn't the religion forum, I will leave you to infer the pieces after that.

This is not the religion forum as you said. It is only now that I have been able to open these passages to read and you know they spoke to me so much, so thank you. We are not changing the topic. I just wanted to thank you. I saw this though today and it touched me as well Romans 7:15 and I wanted to share it with you and it moved me, but let's end it there.