How do I get over a lost friendship???

[Soona45]

I think this is more of a rant than anything but I'm a bit confused so thought it best I write it out and create a new thread.
Anyway, in January two friends that I have known for 15 years that I thought were my best friends, started ignoring me. I got some vague, passive aggressive type messages (example; I'm only being honest with you..../ don't you think there's a reason why your family dosen't support you) I texted that I didn't really understand, the reply to that was 'dont contact us again'. I was hurt, but deleted their numbers and tried to move on.

But yesterday one of these friends sent me a text. She admitted that she was being fake, she wasn't really feeling a bond and I wasn't really her friend anymore. She admitted to being bored and 'life was too short' to spend time with me! She said it wasn't a slight on me but she doesn't care whether I'm offended or not, and I could tell her about it if I am.
I don't know what to make of this?? Is it nasty, or is she just being honest that she just doesn't feel close anymore??

I'm aware that the friendship had been rocky for a while. They had been going places without me(getting really angry when I accidentally found out) talking behind my back( they didn't realise I was close by, so I heard them) and some funny little comments/judgements.

The text has brought up lots of feelings, I hope she leaves me alone after this one. I'm a bit embarrassed and fustrated,when I first felt they were being off with me, I wish I could pick up on the hint with such things and act accordingly. But I never do!
I'm also a bit creeped out. I mean they've been faking it for years, who does this?I think they've enjoyed laughing behind my back a little ( they've laughed at me before for my behaviour, such as my fidgeting)and enjoyed me being there to pick up the pieces when they've fell out with each other. (i felt like the backup friend at times) I don't want a friendship with them anymore, but it still hurts, and I don't know how to move on? Or stop thinking about it?

 

[Jet Weiss]

Sounds like they were not really good friends to begin with.
People who enjoy laughing behind your back and pulling you into drama are not the sort of people who make good or lasting friends.
You deserve better

 

[Streetwise]

I think this is more of a rant than anything but I'm a bit confused so thought it best I write it out and create a new thread.
Anyway, in January two friends that I have known for 15 years that I thought were my best friends, started ignoring me. I got some vague, passive aggressive type messages (example; I'm only being honest with you..../ don't you think there's a reason why your family dosen't support you) I texted that I didn't really understand, the reply to that was 'dont contact us again'. I was hurt, but deleted their numbers and tried to move on.

But yesterday one of these friends sent me a text. She admitted that she was being fake, she wasn't really feeling a bond and I wasn't really her friend anymore. She admitted to being bored and 'life was too short' to spend time with me! She said it wasn't a slight on me but she doesn't care whether I'm offended or not, and I could tell her about it if I am.
I don't know what to make of this?? Is it nasty, or is she just being honest that she just doesn't feel close anymore??

I'm aware that the friendship had been rocky for a while. They had been going places without me(getting really angry when I accidentally found out) talking behind my back( they didn't realise I was close by, so I heard them) and some funny little comments/judgements.

The text has brought up lots of feelings, I hope she leaves me alone after this one. I'm a bit embarrassed and fustrated,when I first felt they were being off with me, I wish I could pick up on the hint with such things and act accordingly. But I never do!
I'm also a bit creeped out. I mean they've been faking it for years, who does this?I think they've enjoyed laughing behind my back a little ( they've laughed at me before for my behaviour, such as my fidgeting)and enjoyed me being there to pick up the pieces when they've fell out with each other. (i felt like the backup friend at times) I don't want a friendship with them anymore, but it still hurts, and I don't know how to move on? Or stop thinking about it?

did you gossip about people with them if not they cut you off

 

[Streetwise]

they sound like parasites they've sucked you dry look for another host

 

[Tyrantus1212]

I'm a bit creeped out too...by the way these jerks are behaving. I'm totally with Jet on this one. WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE???? They were never your friends to begin with, period - so you never really lost them. They don't exist, and they never have. I just don't understand people and why so many of them are scum. I would die before I ever treat anyone this way.

With all that said, there's definitely hurt experienced here - the people you've loved and trusted once have turned out to be scum and have as a result wasted significant portions of your life. If I were to experience something like this, it would most definitely make me lose trust in NT's, and I already have issues with that as is (at the same time I'm not saying that all NT's are bad). Have you been able to find those local Aspie groups you've been looking for? I feel like it would be a good place to start looking for new friends that you can actually trust.

 

[Streetwise]

sadly you've learned another lesson in being circumspect
IM still learning and i have a long way to go to be as the bible puts it as innocent as a dove and as wise as a snake

 

[Momo]

I've had friends who I really trusted do the same thing to me, then one of them threatened to release all my 'secrets' to everyone if I didn't listen to her. So I went to the biggest gossips at school and told them all the juicy tidbits they could ever want to know, put a spanner in the works for this former friend. But yes, the betrayal can run deep. I think the best way to heal is to look after yourself and find some new friends who don't pull any of that shite, but be cautious about it.

 

[Soona45]

did you gossip about people with them if not they cut you off

Yes streetwise, they're a bit gossipy.
I'm not a gossip, I don't like to do it and I don't really get it? But I think I have the Aspie trait where I will share to much, once I realised they couldn't keep a secret if you will. I managed to stop sharing so much, I think this is what's boring for them, they can't come to me for info on others anymore??

 

[Streetwise]

Yes streetwise, they're a bit gossipy.
I'm not a gossip, I don't like to do it and I don't really get it? But I think I have the Aspie trait where I will share to much, once I realised they couldn't keep a secret if you will. I managed to stop sharing so much, I think this is what's boring for them, they can't come to me for info on others anymore??

now i reflect IM insulting parasites they do rest until they feed again a new word superparasite

 

[Soona45]

I'm a bit creeped out too...by the way these jerks are behaving. I'm totally with Jet on this one. WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE???? They were never your friends to begin with, period - so you never really lost them. They don't exist, and they never have. I just don't understand people and why so many of them are scum. I would die before I ever treat anyone this way.

With all that said, there's definitely hurt experienced here - the people you've loved and trusted once have turned out to be scum and have as a result wasted significant portions of your life. If I were to experience something like this, it would most definitely make me lose trust in NT's, and I already have issues with that as is (at the same time I'm not saying that all NT's are bad). Have you been able to find those local Aspie groups you've been looking for? I feel like it would be a good place to start looking for new friends that you can actually trust.

Thanks tyrantus. Lol, I bet your sick of hearing about these two.
I think I have black and white thinking. I mean why spend months helping me decorate my house, then the nxt week talk behind my back or avoid me for months. Ive helped them alot over the years aswell it wasn't one way or anything. At times it was like a loving,caring normal relationship, but then they would turn on me and start ignoring me for months. Just cycled on like this over the 15 years.
I'm also slow to realise such things, so I'm kicking myself I couldn't do anything Soona(lol)
But yes, the more I identify with my true self (which aspergers is a part of) the more I'm baffled and at odds with NTs in general. I find them harder to trust because they say things they don't mean!
I'm waiting to hear back from the group. I live in a small town. There's only a children's group at the minute. But they are going to make an adult one in the future.
How is your Aspie group going? Have you been able to get there?

 

[Suzanne]

They were never your friends to begin with. I have been through similar, when younger, but time does help even aspies to understand some things that nts are about.

They have the issue; not you. They lack understanding and cannot even be bothered to try to understand.

The part about your family meant: that is how they feel about you. The getting back again and strange contradictory statement, is like "punching in the air". Knows you are different; but cannot handle your personality, but again, that is their problem and they know well it is, but have no desire to try.

NT's are terribly confusing! I am finding that they have a dig for aspies not conforming to social "norms" and then, I witness them behaving contrary to social norms and that is so confusing so me.

 

[Soona45]

They were never your friends to begin with. I have been through similar, when younger, but time does help even aspies to understand some things that nts are about.

They have the issue; not you. They lack understanding and cannot even be bothered to try to understand.

The part about your family meant: that is how they feel about you. The getting back again and strange contradictory statement, is like "punching in the air". Knows you are different; but cannot handle your personality, but again, that is their problem and they know well it is, but have no desire to try.

NT's are terribly confusing! I am finding that they have a dig for aspies not conforming to social "norms" and then, I witness them behaving contrary to social norms and that is so confusing so me.

Thanks for your explanation Suzanne, I really appreciate it. Over the years the more I have become myself and let my NT mask slip if you like, the more distant they have become with me. So maybe they didn't really know me to begin with. It's how I'm starting to look at it.
I'm sorry youve been through similar, I don't want a relationship with them anymore, but fall outs like this always hurt.

Yes, I sometimes feel there's this bias towards aspies/vulnerable . I remember at school I got in trouble for dying my hair dark red, when about 15% of the school year had done exactly the same and seemed to get away with it Scot free!

As I get older I'm more relaxed by having less friends anyway.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

Thanks tyrantus. Lol, I bet your sick of hearing about these two.
I think I have black and white thinking. I mean why spend months helping me decorate my house, then the nxt week talk behind my back or avoid me for months. Ive helped them alot over the years aswell it wasn't one way or anything. At times it was like a loving,caring normal relationship, but then they would turn on me and start ignoring me for months. Just cycled on like this over the 15 years.
I'm also slow to realise such things, so I'm kicking myself I couldn't do anything Soona(lol)
But yes, the more I identify with my true self (which aspergers is a part of) the more I'm baffled and at odds with NTs in general. I find them harder to trust because they say things they don't mean!
I'm waiting to hear back from the group. I live in a small town. There's only a children's group at the minute. But they are going to make an adult one in the future.
How is your Aspie group going? Have you been able to get there?

Don't feel bad about yourself, this is not your fault. None of it is ever your fault - only theirs. I have been slow to realize the truth about the poisonous snakes in my life and that is because they're good actors; it may be a long time before things start unraveling and masks start slipping. Unfortunately this is what fake friends do - they're nice to you (for their own benefit) and then they're mean to you, and they constantly contradict each other. They're unable to hide it forever. It sucks that so many NT's are that way and it makes me really mad. These two MAKE ME SICK with their ******** and I have no tolerance for it whatsoever!!!! Cannot stand two-faced losers and I'd rather be alone than have one in my life. Scum like this are the reason why I'm a bit of a misanthrope.

I've joined the local group but no news on any events or anything so far. I still visit my doc once a week and we're working together on helping me better fit into society. So they don't have an adult group yet, huh? I'm sorry. I wish I could offer good advice on making genuine friends but I just don't trust people all that much. You can try to bond with people while always keeping an eye out, and later on see if they're actually there for you in times of trouble (and I really hope there is no trouble to begin with, of course). If you notice any sorts cycles or contradictions in an attempted friendship, get out immediately and never look back. Always follow your instincts. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. If something is too good to be true, it probably is. Those sorts of things...

 

[Spotty01]

Okay, this is one of my first attempts at giving advice on something like this, but I know how you feel, I've been there too, and I want to try and give my two cents about the situation. Take this with a grain of salt, if you want; here goes nothin'.

Anyway, in January two friends that I have known for 15 years that I thought were my best friends, started ignoring me. I got some vague, passive aggressive type messages (example; I'm only being honest with you..../ don't you think there's a reason why your family dosen't support you) I texted that I didn't really understand, the reply to that was 'dont contact us again'. I was hurt, but deleted their numbers and tried to move on.

But yesterday one of these friends sent me a text. She admitted that she was being fake, she wasn't really feeling a bond and I wasn't really her friend anymore. She admitted to being bored and 'life was too short' to spend time with me! She said it wasn't a slight on me but she doesn't care whether I'm offended or not, and I could tell her about it if I am.
I don't know what to make of this?? Is it nasty, or is she just being honest that she just doesn't feel close anymore??
I'm aware that the friendship had been rocky for a while. They had been going places without me(getting really angry when I accidentally found out) talking behind my back( they didn't realise I was close by, so I heard them) and some funny little comments/judgements.

They sound like real pricks to me, as in, people you never should've wasted your time with in the first place. You'd be better off just forgetting about them and moving on, IMO. I mean, if you've been "friends" for fifteen years now, I can totally understand that it hurts and will take a while to get over; I've been there too, after all.

But, at the end of the day, if they don't feel like you're worth their time, then they're not worth yours. In fact, the moment they started acting like insensitive ***holes towards you, then you should've told them to either clean up their act or **** off.

Well, that's what I've been taught to do anyway.

The text has brought up lots of feelings, I hope she leaves me alone after this one. I'm a bit embarrassed and frustrated, when I first felt they were being off with me, I wish I could pick up on the hint with such things and act accordingly. But I never do!
I'm also a bit creeped out. I mean they've been faking it for years, who does this? I think they've enjoyed laughing behind my back a little ( they've laughed at me before for my behaviour, such as my fidgeting)and enjoyed me being there to pick up the pieces when they've fell out with each other. (i felt like the backup friend at times) I don't want a friendship with them anymore, but it still hurts, and I don't know how to move on? Or stop thinking about it?

I'm not as "creeped out" by that as much as I am angered and disgusted at the cruelty of some people. I know, all too well, what it feels like to have fake friends or "fair-weather friends". Almost every person I've called a friend in the past was never there when I needed them and would completely turn against me if I so much as looked at them wrong.

People like that are little more than selfish parasites that aren't worth your time, they don't deserve your time.

That's all I really have to say about it. I sincerely hope that this helps you in some way or another. Best regards!

 

[Soona45]

Don't feel bad about yourself, this is not your fault. None of it is ever your fault - only theirs. I have been slow to realize the truth about the poisonous snakes in my life and that is because they're good actors; it may be a long time before things start unraveling and masks start slipping. Unfortunately this is what fake friends do - they're nice to you (for their own benefit) and then they're mean to you, and they constantly contradict each other. They're unable to hide it forever. It sucks that so many NT's are that way and it makes me really mad. These two MAKE ME SICK with their ******** and I have no tolerance for it whatsoever!!!! Cannot stand two-faced losers and I'd rather be alone than have one in my life. Scum like this are the reason why I'm a bit of a misanthrope.

I've joined the local group but no news on any events or anything so far. I still visit my doc once a week and we're working together on helping me better fit into society. So they don't have an adult group yet, huh? I'm sorry. I wish I could offer good advice on making genuine friends but I just don't trust people all that much. You can try to bond with people while always keeping an eye out, and later on see if they're actually there for you in times of trouble (and I really hope there is no trouble to begin with, of course). If you notice any sorts cycles or contradictions in an attempted friendship, get out immediately and never look back. Always follow your instincts. If something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. If something is too good to be true, it probably is. Those sorts of things...

Thanks for the words of wisdom tyrantus. Yes, they are good actors.
At least this friend admitted being fake, it validated what I already suspected, and they don't normally admit it.

We did actually start as good friends because we both met when we were younger different people and we both had serious depression. We did bond over that. I changed for the better, whereas when she recovered from depression she became her true self, which is gossipy and judgemental. Of course out of the three of us the the two b****y ones stuck together and eventually turned on me.

Really it was the natural order of our society. So yeah, I understand why you're a bit of a misanthrope. I despair at the human race sometimes. Sometimes me and my partner hide in the house and ignore the world for a while, as long ad we can normally.
Not that I don't enjoy meals out and things, but I've recently started doing things by myself. I'll enjoy my own company if people are gonna start being s****y with me.
I do have 3 other friends left, but 2 of them are shared friends with the other 2 (not as close to them tho)?? Hopefully everything works out.
Like you said. I'd rather be alone, than put up with that drama.
Good luck with you group.
I'm in UK, don't think there's as many groups. I'm actually in a part of the country where the service to diagnose adults with ASD has only been about 2 years.

 

[Soona45]

Okay, this is one of my first attempts at giving advice on something like this, but I know how you feel, I've been there too, and I want to try and give my two cents about the situation. Take this with a grain of salt, if you want; here goes nothin'.


They sound like real pricks to me, as in, people you never should've wasted your time with in the first place. You'd be better off just forgetting about them and moving on, IMO. I mean, if you've been "friends" for fifteen years now, I can totally understand that it hurts and will take a while to get over; I've been there too, after all.

But, at the end of the day, if they don't feel like you're worth their time, then they're not worth yours. In fact, the moment they started acting like insensitive ***holes towards you, then you should've told them to either clean up their act or **** off.

Well, that's what I've been taught to do anyway.


I'm not as "creeped out" by that as much as I am angered and disgusted at the cruelty of some people. I know, all too well, what it feels like to have fake friends or "fair-weather friends". Almost every person I've called a friend in the past was never there when I needed them and would completely turn against me if I so much as looked at them wrong.

People like that are little more than selfish parasites that aren't worth your time, they don't deserve your time.

That's all I really have to say about it. I sincerely hope that this helps you in some way or another. Best regards!

Thank you for the reply spotty. It does make me feel better.
They were actually sometimes there for me, a long time ago, I think there both just a bit b****y, gossipy and judgemental, therefore they've both got close and turned on me.

But yes they have been horrible and they certainly should never of treat me like that!
I was creeped out how they've managed to pretend to be my friends for so long. I just don't have that ability.

Yes, when I first got a bad feeling about them, I do wish I'd called them on it and ended the friendship. However I think that would of hurt their egos and maybe they would've tried to cause me some harm.(with gossip likely)

Anyway I guess I'm waiting until I forget about them before I'm over it.

I'm sorry youve experienced similar.

 

[TestToFumanity]

I haven't read the whole OP but it is a timely topic for me.

I had to let go someone who used to be a good friend of mine because I felt like I was there just to vent his frustration on me as I was being kind to listen to his work problems etc. I just couldn't take it anymore because I was having a family issue back then which had higher priority than what I did for him.

It left a bitter taste in my mouth, as he and I have known each other for about 10 years until I stopped contacting him at all. But hey, life goes on. I did what I thought as the best option back then. There's nothing I could have done other than that. Again, life goes on. I will try to enjoy the rest of my life as much as I can with who I can.

 

[Soona45]

I haven't read the whole OP but it is a timely topic for me.

I had to let go someone who used to be a good friend of mine because I felt like I was there just to vent his frustration on me as I was being kind to listen to his work problems etc. I just couldn't take it anymore because I was having a family issue back then which had higher priority than what I did for him.

It left a bitter taste in my mouth, as he and I have known each other for about 10 years until I stopped contacting him at all. But hey, life goes on. I did what I thought as the best option back then. There's nothing I could have done other than that. Again, life goes on. I will try to enjoy the rest of my life as much as I can with who I can.

Sorry you've had something similar. It's when you've been friends for so long, it really hurts and it takes a longtime to get over.
I don't want to sound overdramatic but it's almost like a divorce/break up in a way.
But your right life must go on. If you felt you did right at the time, then you needn't have regrets.
Wish you all the best.

 

[TestToFumanity]

Sorry you've had something similar. It's when you've been friends for so long, it really hurts and it takes a longtime to get over.
I don't want to sound overdramatic but it's almost like a divorce/break up in a way.
But your right life must go on. If you felt you did right at the time, then you needn't have regrets.
Wish you all the best.

Yeah, it does hurt me quite a lot. To be honest, it still hurts me to this day (just had a dream today in which he appears). I agree with the way you put it: it could be as heartbreaking as a divorce or a breakup for some. Life goes on. If I somehow would have to deal with him in the future, I would do so with sincere attitudes and he would understand it hopefully, so I'm learning to be optimistic in some way.

Thank you for your wish and good luck to you as well.

 

[Keigan]

You are not missing much, good people are hard to find and those so called friends are not good people.