How do I get over a lost friendship???

[Judge]

In my entire adult life I've never had a perceived "friendship" that withstood time or distance. Or those who always "had my back". They were always fleeting, much like my relationships. They didn't fail as such, but they all eventually just faded away.

So what's a "friend" ? Beats me.

So in this instance how do you get over such a lost "friend" ?

They weren't really ever a real friend to begin with. That's how.

 

[Bella Pines]

Are they NT emotional types? Like are they the classic attention seeking popular-wannabe mean-girl sort?

Having survived a Catholic girls school that sounds like the bucket they might fit in to.

If this is the case, then their personality profiles lean towards maximum impact. No one (even us aspie experts) can maintain an act for 15 years. It will occasionally slip or start wearing on us. Therefore, the chances are that the friendship was real at the time and they say it wasn't to either get attention, hurt you or push you away.

She said it wasn't a slight on me but she doesn't care whether I'm offended or not, and I could tell her about it if I am.

Is she actually asking you to respond? Since it sounds like you've already retreated, it's probably some bizarre play for attention or amusement. They sound like pretty twisted bullies to be honest.

I swear sometimes, us aspies are the logical normal ones. What do you think you should do to escape or move on?

 

[Soona45]

In my entire adult life I've never had a perceived "friendship" that withstood time or distance. Or those who always "had my back". They were always fleeting, much like my relationships. They didn't fail as such, but they all eventually just faded away.

So what's a "friend" ? Beats me.

So in this instance how do you get over such a lost "friend" ?

They weren't really ever a real friend to begin with. That's how.

Thanks judge, that makes me feel better.

 

[Soona45]

Are they NT emotional types? Like are they the classic attention seeking popular-wannabe mean-girl sort?

Having survived a Catholic girls school that sounds like the bucket they might fit in to.

If this is the case, then their personality profiles lean towards maximum impact. No one (even us aspie experts) can maintain an act for 15 years. It will occasionally slip or start wearing on us. Therefore, the chances are that the friendship was real at the time and they say it wasn't to either get attention, hurt you or push you away.



Is she actually asking you to respond? Since it sounds like you've already retreated, it's probably some bizarre play for attention or amusement. They sound like pretty twisted bullies to be honest.

I swear sometimes, us aspies are the logical normal ones. What do you think you should do to escape or move on?

Yes Bella Pines, they are the NT emotional type. There a bit gossipy and judgemental. Something I didn't like about them. Like if they seen someone they knew down the pub on a Monday afternoon, they would speculate that they must of lost their job and now have an alcohol problem. When in reality they're just on annual leave.That kind of judgemental/personally type.

When I first met them one was a 15yr old teen mother and the other was severely depressed. I believe their situations humbled them a bit and they were not their usual selves. I thought they were nicer than they were, they thought I would grow out of my naivety.Out of the 15 yrs of friendships, they have been long breaks without contact. They get bored when I have no gossip for them.I do believe we were good friends in the beginning.

I don't want to contact them again. I'm pretty sure it would only give them something to talk about.

I do have have shared friends with them and I live in a small town. So realistically I will bump into them. I dint know what I'll do. Just smile,nod and walk by.

I know it's for the best and all. But it doesn't stop it hurting. I'll have to try keep myself busy I guess.
Thanks for your reply.

 

[Bella Pines]

Yes, sounds like avoid them as best you can and keep yourself busy. One exercise that used to help me is a visualisation. When I have something that I can't shake, like a lost friendship or a betrayal or even a regret, I find that it eats away at me and pops back into my head when something reminds me. So what I do each time is imagine the hurt as weeds in grass. I then imagine pulling out the weeds and throwing them far away. I never reinforce or dwell on the pain, I just weed it out every time. If I forget to do this then the regret grows and makes me bitter. But if I keep doing this exercise then after 3 to 6 months it disappears. And from then on has no effect on me when I recall the memory.

 

[Bro'Freak]

I find it best in the long term to remember the good times & the moments that they were there. It does one no good to reinforce or hold the negative after the end to justify the distance. I know that I love all my friends even if they can't reciprocate & because I tried & stay true I know that I have not failed their memories or investment towards my happiness. I also wish them all the best even if they hurt me.

Despite my sometimes guarded/cold demeanour I love you all.

 

[Soona45]

Yes, sounds like avoid them as best you can and keep yourself busy. One exercise that used to help me is a visualisation. When I have something that I can't shake, like a lost friendship or a betrayal or even a regret, I find that it eats away at me and pops back into my head when something reminds me. So what I do each time is imagine the hurt as weeds in grass. I then imagine pulling out the weeds and throwing them far away. I never reinforce or dwell on the pain, I just weed it out every time. If I forget to do this then the regret grows and makes me bitter. But if I keep doing this exercise then after 3 to 6 months it disappears. And from then on has no effect on me when I recall the memory.

Fantastic advice. What a good technique. When I had a burnout in my early 20's I used to use visualisation. Mine was waking up under the tree, in a Alice in wonderland type place, then I would walk-on a footpath towards the sea.when I reached the sea, that's where I would find peace and try clear my mind.
Thanks for reminding me.

 

[Soona45]

I find it best in the long term to remember the good times & the moments that they were there. It does one no good to reinforce or hold the negative after the end to justify the distance. I know that I love all my friends even if they can't reciprocate & because I tried & stay true I know that I have not failed their memories or investment towards my happiness. I also wish them all the best even if they hurt me.

Despite my sometimes guarded/cold demeanour I love you all.

Hello Bro'Freak, aww that's lovely.
Yes, I can appreciate the good times. We were there for each other over the years.

It's strange because I was on the verge of letting it fade away naturally, but they brought me in close again, just to cut me off abruptly. Which is why I think it's hurting so much. Aswell as my mind being a bit pessimistic. Seems to go over and over all the bad and embarrassing stuff. I'll get over it tho, once times healed I can appreciate the friendship more and look back more fondly.

I'm pretty frustrated at my-self, for not challenging them on things they did do wrong to me at times. Because now, I can't say my peace on those things. So it feels like a lack of closure.

Thanks for your input. You must be a very nice person.

 

[Bro'Freak]

Feeling a bit strange here as well Soona45. I just heard my ex-girlfriend was in town
yesterday & I feel crap knowing that she wont call me as she blames me for the end
of our relationship.

I definitely relate to what you said "I'm pretty frustrated at my-self, for not
challenging them on things they did do wrong to me at times. Because now, I can't
say my peace on those things. So it feels like a lack of closure." Yep I can relate to
that at this moment.

 

[Soona45]

Feeling a bit strange here as well Soona45. I heard my ex-girlfriend was in town & I feel crap knowing
that she wont call me as she blames me for the end of our relationship.

I definitely relate to what you said "I'm pretty frustrated at my-self, for not challenging them on things they did do wrong to me at times. Because now, I can't say my peace on those things. So it feels like a lack of closure." Yep I can relate to that at this moment.

Aww sorry to here that.
For me, people can't tell what I'm thinking, I'm slow to react to social changes and I'm not particularly great at expressing my-self. Relationship wise people don't really know where I'm coming from and rarely know the real me. So there's lots of wrong judgements.

Not getting to say your peace is incredibly frustrating. All I want is people to understand me.

All we can do Bro'Freak is try accept that we won't get closure in these circumstances. So that then becomes our new closure.

 

[Lookinator]

Hey, i have a similiar experience. I was betrayed by my close friend with whome i've studyied in university, he just turned away, so i felt helpless at that moment, and it effected me a lot.

 

[Soona45]

Hey, i have a similiar experience. I was betrayed by my close friend with whome i've studyied in university, he just turned away, so i felt helpless at that moment, and it effected me a lot.

Sorry to here you've gone through this too lookinator, yeah, it feels awful. I feel vulnerable and helpless too. One of the worst betrayals is being ignored and just left without explanation.
I'm trying to forget these two, it just takes ages when you've been really close and/or known each other for a long time.

 

[Lookinator]

That happened when i was really young. It took me a five years to recover, it gets better with time.

 

[AtomicBlondie]

Soona45, it's them--not you. They sound like emotional vampires to me and unfortunately, we on the spectrum tend to be taken advantage of and bullied by these types of NT, mean girl, popularity-seeking types. I've experienced the same thing a number of times and learned through trial and error how best to respond or not respond to it. This is a time when you ignore/don't respond to their messages. They are fishing for a reaction to fuel their egos. Don't take the bait. I'm glad you came here to seek advice.

 

[Ambi]

I think this is more of a rant than anything but I'm a bit confused so thought it best I write it out and create a new thread.
Anyway, in January two friends that I have known for 15 years that I thought were my best friends, started ignoring me. I got some vague, passive aggressive type messages (example; I'm only being honest with you..../ don't you think there's a reason why your family dosen't support you) I texted that I didn't really understand, the reply to that was 'dont contact us again'. I was hurt, but deleted their numbers and tried to move on.

But yesterday one of these friends sent me a text. She admitted that she was being fake, she wasn't really feeling a bond and I wasn't really her friend anymore. She admitted to being bored and 'life was too short' to spend time with me! She said it wasn't a slight on me but she doesn't care whether I'm offended or not, and I could tell her about it if I am.
I don't know what to make of this?? Is it nasty, or is she just being honest that she just doesn't feel close anymore??

I'm aware that the friendship had been rocky for a while. They had been going places without me(getting really angry when I accidentally found out) talking behind my back( they didn't realise I was close by, so I heard them) and some funny little comments/judgements.

The text has brought up lots of feelings, I hope she leaves me alone after this one. I'm a bit embarrassed and fustrated,when I first felt they were being off with me, I wish I could pick up on the hint with such things and act accordingly. But I never do!
I'm also a bit creeped out. I mean they've been faking it for years, who does this?I think they've enjoyed laughing behind my back a little ( they've laughed at me before for my behaviour, such as my fidgeting)and enjoyed me being there to pick up the pieces when they've fell out with each other. (i felt like the backup friend at times) I don't want a friendship with them anymore, but it still hurts, and I don't know how to move on? Or stop thinking about it?

I am sorry, that is very hurtful and embarassing. I have been reacted to in similar ways - so I don't want to confuse your situation with my own, but from my own perspective, I think that not everyone is meant to be friends, and as aspies, we can have habits or personalities that irritate or confuse some people - and they may at first try to be friends or may eventually just feel worn down or frustrated, etc, and just want to walk away. I would just let them go, and realize for every person who feels that way about you, there are others who will like you just fine. Well, for me maybe it's fewer people, but that's fine - I'd rather just have those few people. Even when I bring up my social issues with those people, they say they can't really understand why other people have an issue with me. So - I think it's just different people like/dislike different things/personalities and want different things from friendships. I have learned to sympathize with those who didn't want to be around me or found me odd/weird/annoying - because I have been on the other side of the fence, where someone who really put me off or there just didn't seem to be any real connection going on was trying to hang out with me, or even if they weren't trying - just acknowledging that lack of potential, that helped me understand other people's perspective about me. Then I try not to impose. I would rather just have friends who like or at least don't mind me.

 

[Soona45]

I am sorry, that is very hurtful and embarassing. I have been reacted to in similar ways - so I don't want to confuse your situation with my own, but from my own perspective, I think that not everyone is meant to be friends, and as aspies, we can have habits or personalities that irritate or confuse some people - and they may at first try to be friends or may eventually just feel worn down or frustrated, etc, and just want to walk away. I would just let them go, and realize for every person who feels that way about you, there are others who will like you just fine. Well, for me maybe it's fewer people, but that's fine - I'd rather just have those few people. Even when I bring up my social issues with those people, they say they can't really understand why other people have an issue with me. So - I think it's just different people like/dislike different things/personalities and want different things from friendships. I have learned to sympathize with those who didn't want to be around me or found me odd/weird/annoying - because I have been on the other side of the fence, where someone who really put me off or there just didn't seem to be any real connection going on was trying to hang out with me, or even if they weren't trying - just acknowledging that lack of potential, that helped me understand other people's perspective about me. Then I try not to impose. I would rather just have friends who like or at least don't mind me.

Thanks for replying Ambi.
Yeah, I don't think it was meant to be either.
I just need to get over the hurt and embarrassment now.
I wish I could of taken the hint something was wrong and followed through with my instincts. But at least I've learned now. In the past I would have gone back basically begging for contact. It's not that I would want to force anyone to be my friend, it's just people are always getting the wrong impression of me. So I like to talk things over, to make sure there no misunderstandings.
I've always had this desire to get my point heard. It stems from being misunderstood so much!
Anyways, I'll just leave them be.
A smaller circle of friends is easier to manage and would make me happier also.

 

[Streetwise]

i a fact from QI(bbc tv) that on average people.have a 150 friends and Alan Davies a regular on the quiz!!!!show saying in consternation i only have 5 i agree with him

Thanks for replying Ambi.
Yeah, I don't think it was meant to be either.
I just need to get over the hurt and embarrassment now.
I wish I could of taken the hint something was wrong and followed through with my instincts. But at least I've learned now. In the past I would have gone back basically begging for contact. It's not that I would want to force anyone to be my friend, it's just people are always getting the wrong impression of me. So I like to talk things over, to make sure there no misunderstandings.
I've always had this desire to get my point heard. It stems from being misunderstood so much!
Anyways, I'll just leave them be.
A smaller circle of friends is easier to manage and would make me happier also.

 

[ksheehan88]

I think this is more of a rant than anything but I'm a bit confused so thought it best I write it out and create a new thread.
Anyway, in January two friends that I have known for 15 years that I thought were my best friends, started ignoring me. I got some vague, passive aggressive type messages (example; I'm only being honest with you..../ don't you think there's a reason why your family dosen't support you) I texted that I didn't really understand, the reply to that was 'dont contact us again'. I was hurt, but deleted their numbers and tried to move on.

But yesterday one of these friends sent me a text. She admitted that she was being fake, she wasn't really feeling a bond and I wasn't really her friend anymore. She admitted to being bored and 'life was too short' to spend time with me! She said it wasn't a slight on me but she doesn't care whether I'm offended or not, and I could tell her about it if I am.
I don't know what to make of this?? Is it nasty, or is she just being honest that she just doesn't feel close anymore??

I'm aware that the friendship had been rocky for a while. They had been going places without me(getting really angry when I accidentally found out) talking behind my back( they didn't realise I was close by, so I heard them) and some funny little comments/judgements.

The text has brought up lots of feelings, I hope she leaves me alone after this one. I'm a bit embarrassed and fustrated,when I first felt they were being off with me, I wish I could pick up on the hint with such things and act accordingly. But I never do!
I'm also a bit creeped out. I mean they've been faking it for years, who does this?I think they've enjoyed laughing behind my back a little ( they've laughed at me before for my behaviour, such as my fidgeting)and enjoyed me being there to pick up the pieces when they've fell out with each other. (i felt like the backup friend at times) I don't want a friendship with them anymore, but it still hurts, and I don't know how to move on? Or stop thinking about it?

Ahh, I've been in this situation many times. They want to know they have hurt you, because you haven't tried to contact them its annoyed them so they're looking for a way to hurt your feelings. You can either a. ignore it, and be satisfied they'll be pissed you haven't reacted, or b. text her saying your life has improved tenfold since you got rid of the poisonous bitches.

 

[ksheehan88]

You are not missing much, good people are hard to find and those so called friends are not good people.

I agree 100%. Of all the dozens of people I have met throughout my life, there are 3 that I can call real friends. The rest were fairweather.

 

[Soona45]

Ahh, I've been in this situation many times. They want to know they have hurt you, because you haven't tried to contact them its annoyed them so they're looking for a way to hurt your feelings. You can either a. ignore it, and be satisfied they'll be pissed you haven't reacted, or b. text her saying your life has improved tenfold since you got rid of the poisonous bitches.

Thanks Ksheehan.
Yeah, it really sucks when you get treated like this.
I agree, most people are s****y. I'm going to ignore them actually. I'm not brilliant at texting anyhow. I know these 2 and texting back will only give them something to talk about.