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How do I keep a NT friend

An Arctic fox said:
Yeah and I dont think I can do that winve I'm not good at faking things

I could
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Then, instead of faking, you could try to make your friend comfortable whenever you can. Learn the signs in body language that tell you about it - like crossed arms, putting a bag between you, rapidly looking around. Read on that. It can tell you many things - like when they wish to change a topic or get bored with what you are doing at the moment. Anyway, isn't it a part of friendship to take care of yours and your friend's comfort? There are many books and resources available on the topic. Maybe you could even check in your local library?

Another thing is to care about what they say - and remember things they like and dislike. For example, remembering their favourite tea, sweets or soft drink when you two meet and make sure it is available. Things like these. Also, birthdays and other dates.

Well, at least those are the basics.
 
onlything said:
Then, instead of faking, you could try to make your friend comfortable whenever you can. Learn the signs in body language that tell you about it - like crossed arms, putting a bag between you, rapidly looking around. Read on that. It can tell you many things - like when they wish to change a topic or get bored with what you are doing at the moment. Anyway, isn't it a part of friendship to take care of yours and your friend's comfort? There are many books and resources available on the topic. Maybe you could even check in your local library?

Another thing is to care about what they say - and remember things they like and dislike. For example, remembering their favourite tea, sweets or soft drink when you two meet and make sure it is available. Things like these. Also, birthdays and other dates.

Well, at least those are the basics.
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Ok thank you I can try the first thing if i remember to look it up
 
Same thing happened to me. We already hanged out once at his house and we text chat. I am taking it slow really just chatting. He already know I have mental issues but might not know I have Asperger's.
 
An Arctic fox said:
I made a NT (neuro typical) friend recently and I'd like to actually keep them (unlike all my other NT friends). So how do I do that? They also dont know about my mental health all the way (at least not the autism and possible DID and possible ADHD) but should I tell them? main thing is how do I keep a NT friend. This one seems very accepting so I probably could tell them about my mental health but people seem to think I'm to direct and I'm not sure how to do that and I'm not sure what else I do that people dont like.
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Hey there.

NT here. Hope I can give you some feedback about what kinds of things you might do or say to help your friendship move forward.

I have a bf on spectrum and know some people with traits.

Some things that have worked against our relationship are:

Feeling like my point of view is disputed or diminished. For example in the past I have told my boyfriend about something that’s important to me. All I want him to do is hear me and acknowledge that he understands I am passionate about it or that it’s important to me. Instead, he will counter with an argument to correct what he thinks is a fallacy in my thinking. He says he is not trying to argue or dismiss my point of view but to NT that’s how it comes across.

My boyfriend is very reliable. I can count on him to follow through on what he says he will do. That is a big plus.

The brutal honesty can be very refreshing for NTs. Because people on the spectrum tend to be more direct we don’t have to spend our energy trying to interpret what another and NT is actually saying. Having said that, you have to be careful about your honest feedback about your friend him or herself. Try to steer clear of giving feedback about the person. We tend to construe that honest feedback as offensive or critical even if you don’t mean it that way. This has caused huge problems for me and my boyfriend but I think he finally gets the dynamic.

Let us know how it goes.

Oh by the way, if you sense this friend is open and trustworthy, and if they share personal information about themselves, it should be safe to share about your history and it would be helpful to give them some insight about why you may sometimes act differently from their other friends. Also trying to learn a little more about how NTs perceive the world would probably help you to get where your friend is coming from
 
sisselcakes said:
Hey there.

NT here. Hope I can give you some feedback about what kinds of things you might do or say to help your friendship move forward.

I have a bf on spectrum and know some people with traits.

Some things that have worked against our relationship are:

Feeling like my point of view is disputed or diminished. For example in the past I have told my boyfriend about something that’s important to me. All I want him to do is hear me and acknowledge that he understands I am passionate about it or that it’s important to me. Instead, he will counter with an argument to correct what he thinks is a fallacy in my thinking. He says he is not trying to argue or dismiss my point of view but to NT that’s how it comes across.

My boyfriend is very reliable. I can count on him to follow through on what he says he will do. That is a big plus.

The brutal honesty can be very refreshing for NTs. Because people on the spectrum tend to be more direct we don’t have to spend our energy trying to interpret what another and NT is actually saying. Having said that, you have to be careful about your honest feedback about your friend him or herself. Try to steer clear of giving feedback about the person. We tend to construe that honest feedback as offensive or critical even if you don’t mean it that way. This has caused huge problems for me and my boyfriend but I think he finally gets the dynamic.

Let us know how it goes.

Oh by the way, if you sense this friend is open and trustworthy, and if they share personal information about themselves, it should be safe to share about your history and it would be helpful to give them some insight about why you may sometimes act differently from their other friends. Also trying to learn a little more about how NTs perceive the world would probably help you to get where your friend is coming from
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Thank you for the feedback that was really helpful. Though I'm not sure how to not be very honest but I am usually good at validating people since I help in the mental health world and I am usually reliable but I am forgetful and easily distracted
 
An Arctic fox said:
Thank you for the feedback that was really helpful. Though I'm not sure how to not be very honest but I am usually good at validating people since I help in the mental health world and I am usually reliable but I am forgetful and easily distracted
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I’m in mental health too. Licensed social worker :-). I suspect you have the sensitivity to know when honesty might be construed as an offense.
 
sisselcakes said:
I’m in mental health too. Licensed social worker :). I suspect you have the sensitivity to know when honesty might be construed as an offense.
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I've been working on that, I can usually do it when I'm assisting someone but I struggle when with friends and the sort
 
An Arctic fox said:
Yeah and I dont think I can do that winve I'm not good at faking things

I could
Click to expand...
Doing these things is not "faking", it's self improvement. Learning to be a good friend, a considerate person, to make the people you care about happy and comfortable, is not fake at all, unless you genuinely don't care at all about the other person, in which case why would you bother? Every single person has to learn these things, and continues to learn these things throughout their lives. Finding it a bit more difficult and having to be more deliberate about it does not make it fake, nor is it an excuse to not bother.
 
NothingToSeeHere said:
Doing these things is not "faking", it's self improvement. Learning to be a good friend, a considerate person, to make the people you care about happy and comfortable, is not fake at all, unless you genuinely don't care at all about the other person, in which case why would you bother? Every single person has to learn these things, and continues to learn these things throughout their lives. Finding it a bit more difficult and having to be more deliberate about it does not make it fake, nor is it an excuse to not bother.
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Ok
 
I personally think for a friend that is to be of such close nature, that is enough "umph" that they are more in the "need-to-know" category now.

Waiting can be a good idea, but context and such can also change things. I tend to be eager or overly eager myself. There is what I think, is an easy way to "combat" this but still stay true to yourself. ASK.

There is not specific "time line" with how long you should or shouldn't wait.
1. Ask if the person is okay with you sharing deep, personal details.
Let the person know that you don't want to be judged for your disclosing and would like to still stay good friends.
2. Ask if you can meet 1-1 in-person. Set up an appointment if you can.
If the friend doesn't have a lot of money, offer to pay for a coffee or something like that. Or, you could do that regardless as another way to show that you like this person and care.

If you get permission, then the timeline doesn't matter as much if at all. Then, you find out sooner if this is a person you can be friends with, or if you have to move on.

I tend to like "getting my answers" sooner rather than later.
 
Friendship is like a painting, you meet, and little by little you learn things about each other. Do you make each other laugh, do you have common likes and dislikes, does this friend bring a different perspective to the way you think, are there things you both like to do? So friends is actually a term that expands, changes, grows with time, and a great friend will support you when you need it. So the bar isn't on you to reveal everything. In fact, your friend may realise you are different but maybe likes you because you aren't sheeple, you are unique. So like a painting, you are filling different areas, adding new aspects to portrait.
 
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