How do I know how an AS man really feels about me/our relationship?

[Amanda27]

I think they are extremely guarded who they allow into their domain, you should respect this and value this or decide differently. l have grown a lot, l have matured a lot more knowing this grrat guy, and l chose to be respectful and follow his lead.

Yes, that’s part of why I feel like he may actually have feelings for me because he has let me on but at the same time I have let him into my domain as well and deserve the same in return. I’m trying to follow his lead and go with the flow but as I mentioned before, just want to know where this is going and posted on the forum so maybe I could gain a little more understanding from those who have AS or are in a relationship with someone with AS.

 

[Fino]

Wow!!! That's awesome!

And very eclectic! Are his interests as varied?

Maybe it's the scattered attention among many things, as opposed to intense interest in a small number things, that he dislikes.

Just guessing. I'm sure it's completely normal to have that many interests. And it sounds like an exciting life to me!

 

[Amanda27]

My personal opinion? From an aspie male that has been married over 24 years. Dump him and move on. Sounds like not only is this a long distance relationship (Which very rarely work out) it is also a one way relationship. Him being an aspie has nothing to do with it.

I realize long distance is very complicated and odds are against it most of the time but idk I always have hope and believe anything is possible if two people love each other and want to be together. Yes, I agree it is a very one sided relationship....I don’t think his intentions are bad but can definitely tell that I will be the one doing all the compromisy because that’s how it’s been so far it seems. I’m not saying he hasn’t bc like I said he hugs me, holds me in bed, and does things around the house to help out but idk the one thing I want is to share life experiences with him and at this point that hasn’t happened...so it concerns me because that will be the biggest issue for me and a relationship breaker for me honestly.

 

[Fino]

I used to believe that about love too! Then after three years of hell and a suicide attempt, I realized not so much.

 

[Ken S.]

I can't speak for all aspies but I can give you a males perspective. If a partner (Aspie or not) is really interested in a relationship with you he/she will make his/her feelings known, even if it's not in an orthodox method. Having to be away for weeks at a time is not overload or meltdown, it is not wanting to make a commitment. Sorry to be blunt but it sounds like this relationship is a farce that you are unwilling to see. If he truly cared he would do things that he is not interested in to make you happy and would not make excuses for his behavior. It is a sad truth that some people with mental issues use them as an excuse to play victim or manipulate other people. We are not one dimensional people, We are just as complex as anyone else.

 

[Amanda27]

Wow!!! That's awesome!

And very eclectic! Are his interests as varied?

Maybe it's the scattered attention among many things, as opposed to intense interest in a small number things, that he dislikes.

Just guessing. I'm sure it's completely normal to have that many interests. And it sounds like an exciting life to me!

Lol, thank you. I am kinda all over the place. My biggest ones are volunteering, birding, hiking and traveling whenever possible and taking photos of birds/hikes/travels. I go to the gym to be healthier physically but it’s also fun stress relief. The other stuff is more sporadic or personal development and keep my brain exercised lol.

I’m not sure he even realizes I have that many interest because I have mostly been doing them when he is gone bc when he is here I want to be with him since I know he will eventually hit the road again for a week or two and then there’s the fact he supposed to be moving back home soon. Even though he also calls my house home...idk

No, his interests seemed to have been very hyper focused through his life. He has taught himself how to play several instruments and was thus in a band and he still plays himself time to time now, then street racing which he is still into but not as much as when younger, hiking or climbing rather and staying overnight on trails, drones which he created a business and became extreme well known and respected in the industry and still does this from time to time when client contacts. Now his biggest focus is street photography and he is hyper focused on this for now and when he travels he travels sometimes for the drone stuff but then extends to take pictures in different cities....he has always liked photography just super hyper focused on it now.

So we do have some common interests but he has stated that of someone isn’t on his level with it and they do it together it won’t be as fun for him but I’m like if you never take me you never know what I’m capable of. So idk....he also said that maybe it is just him and that no one else sees me as boring ....but then he came back later when I told him that kinda hurt my feelings that he called me boring and I have no passions....he said babe let me put it a different way....I’m just to independent/outgoing/active/high strung for most people to handle.

 

[Amanda27]

I used to believe that about love too! Then after three years of hell and a suicide attempt, I realized not so much.

Sorry you went through that.

Yeh idk how I still believe in it but I do. My 8 year marriage that ended in 2013 was hell ...literally and domestically violent but that’s a completely different story that has definitely has effects on how I view life, relationships and oddly enough from a personal growth perspective some good actually came out of it for me but still lucky to have gotten out and be where I am today.

 

[Amanda27]

I can't speak for all aspies but I can give you a males perspective. If a partner (Aspie or not) is really interested in a relationship with you he/she will make his/her feelings known, even if it's not in an orthodox method. Having to be away for weeks at a time is not overload or meltdown, it is not wanting to make a commitment. Sorry to be blunt but it sounds like this relationship is a farce that you are unwilling to see. If he truly cared he would do things that he is not interested in to make you happy and would not make excuses for his behavior. It is a sad truth that some people with mental issues use them as an excuse to play victim or manipulate other people. We are not one dimensional people, We are just as complex as anyone else.

I appreciate your direct honesty and it is what I have come in search for...other viewpoints and perspectives or maybe even confirmation for what I have been feeling inside but not wanting to accept. Many of the books I have read said that most AS men are willing to work on things for their relationships and I’m not asking for much and not asking to change who he is just work on a few behaviors.

 

[Ken S.]

@Amanda27 Thank you and I hope you find the happiness you seek. You deserve someone who appreciates you for who you are without changing you. You sound like someone who is caring and fun to be around and I would hate for you to end up in a situation that would not emphasize your attributes. Best wishes.
Ken.

 

[Fino]

Lol, thank you. I am kinda all over the place. My biggest ones are volunteering, birding, hiking and traveling whenever possible and taking photos of birds/hikes/travels. I go to the gym to be healthier physically but it’s also fun stress relief. The other stuff is more sporadic or personal development and keep my brain exercised lol.

I’m not sure he even realizes I have that many interest because I have mostly been doing them when he is gone bc when he is here I want to be with him since I know he will eventually hit the road again for a week or two and then there’s the fact he supposed to be moving back home soon. Even though he also calls my house home...idk

No, his interests seemed to have been very hyper focused through his life. He has taught himself how to play several instruments and was thus in a band and he still plays himself time to time now, then street racing which he is still into but not as much as when younger, hiking or climbing rather and staying overnight on trails, drones which he created a business and became extreme well known and respected in the industry and still does this from time to time when client contacts. Now his biggest focus is street photography and he is hyper focused on this for now and when he travels he travels sometimes for the drone stuff but then extends to take pictures in different cities....he has always liked photography just super hyper focused on it now.

So we do have some common interests but he has stated that of someone isn’t on his level with it and they do it together it won’t be as fun for him but I’m like if you never take me you never know what I’m capable of. So idk....he also said that maybe it is just him and that no one else sees me as boring ....but then he came back later when I told him that kinda hurt my feelings that he called me boring and I have no passions....he said babe let me put it a different way....I’m just to independent/outgoing/active/high strung for most people to handle.

He sounds "edgy" and arrogant. If he likes you, he should enjoy it far more with you there. Most of the things you listed would be great to do with someone and this "on his level" thing is silly.

And he likes a surprising amount of dangerous-sounding things!

 

[Tom]

The only way to be sure is to throw him in a well. If he sinks he really feels for you.

 

[Bolletje]

Sounds to me like he just doesn’t want to commit to you. The vague answers when you ask him about his feelings suggest as much.

 

[Stardust Parade]

I have asked him directly, how do you feel about me numerous times. How do you think about me? He has said everything from he is still single but unavailable since he is with me, he lives thousands of miles away, then it’s FL would work for a relationship bc he will be here to visit family. He said too once that he tries to envision us long term and he has a few concerns ....the fact he has to have his independence and be gone, he feels I’m “boring” even though he later came back and said I wasn’t .....he just doesn’t see that I have any passions for life ....which I find very odd because I do have hobbies and things I’m passionate about but he is never here long enough to really see them. I just want a straight, clear answer and I’m confused why he can’t give it to me.

He doesn't sound interested. You're wasting your time. Move on.

 

[Aspychata]

l disagree, these men have a hard time talking about feelings and they may take things really slow. l am on the spectrum of being a complete idiot in friends/relatiinships, so l am taking things slowly, it's hard, relationships grow, change, stabilize, so it can be changing as you are speaking to us. This sounds really nice, sounds like a trial run, to see how you to get along. If you are pressuring for seriousness, it takes the special away, hope this makes sense.

 

[Bolletje]

l disagree, these men have a hard time talking about feelings and they may take things really slow.

Some men on the spectrum have trouble talking about their feelings, but it’s not a universal truth.

 

[Aspychata]

Some men on the spectrum have trouble talking about their feelings, but it’s not a universal truth.

l met one like that, feelings make him uncomfortable.

 

[JDShredds]

As an Aspie man in his mid 30's I can only tell you my perspective: I'm someone that is all-in or doesn't get involved at all. This guy sounds like he isn't committed and is just doing it because he finds it comfortable.

I will say one thing though: He IS doing some things that I would say are his way to express love. I.e. the willingness to be physical, affectionate, and do things around the house (I don't know about other Aspies, but acts of service is far and away my primary love language).

With that said, his lack of directness is bothering me. He just does not sound committed to you. I can only speak for myself, but you KNOW when I am committed to you. Its more solid than concrete and lasts even longer.

I'm curious how many others on the spectrum are like me in this regard: I know I'm not good with words of affirmation or gift giving, nor am I good at being willing to go out and do all the things NT's usually want to "share." My way to express love is by making dinner, tidying up like cleaning the cat box, sweeping etc, giving undivided attention, and (when it occurs to me out of the blue) physical affection.

 

[paloftoon]

This AS person sounds like he's not ready for a (typically romantic) relationship. If he already lived together with you, and then moved back with his parents of all things, either you should be with him and the parents, or you should be moving on with your life. You can stay friends with him.

I mean, unless you really enjoy him living with his parents AND being long distance from him- especially after living with him for awhile. You seem to want touch and he doesn't want touch. That is a big deal. Sure, it's okay to give a person a time to get into these things.

But when you start doing more adult things like moving in together or even considering it, there are other adult things that need to be part of the process of having developed already.

This relationship seems to the point where he should take the "risk" of being touched and touching or you and him should already be at an understanding that he doesn't like to be touched before having moved in living together prior. This is assuming that he really does have these preconceived notions which he very well could- but you have to be okay with all these important aspects and the combination of the way they are. It is not unreasonable to not feel comfortable and not be okay with it. You are okay to want touching, but especially at this point in your relationship, and you are not able to get that from him. He seems too immature for you.

 

[Aspychata]

This AS person sounds like he's not ready for a (typically romantic) relationship. If he already lived together with you, and then moved back with his parents of all things, either you should be with him and the parents, or you should be moving on with your life. You can stay friends with him.

I mean, unless you really enjoy him living with his parents AND being long distance from him- especially after living with him for awhile. You seem to want touch and he doesn't want touch. That is a big deal. Sure, it's okay to give a person a time to get into these things.

But when you start doing more adult things like moving in together or even considering it, there are other adult things that need to be part of the process of having developed already.

This relationship seems to the point where he should take the "risk" of being touched and touching or you and him should already be at an understanding that he doesn't like to be touched before having moved in living together prior. This is assuming that he really does have these preconceived notions which he very well could- but you have to be okay with all these important aspects and the combination of the way they are. It is not unreasonable to not feel comfortable and not be okay with it. You are okay to want touching, but especially at this point in your relationship, and you are not able to get that from him. He seems too immature for you.

l feel you should ask for touching, or have a touching massage, or whatever, he may change his mind or become more comfortable. It's wrong to assume that this person is not open to new things espically with you.

 

[paloftoon]

l feel you should ask for touching, or have a touching massage, or whatever, he may change his mind or become more comfortable. It's wrong to assume that this person is not open to new things espically with you.

Right, except this should've been asked before and during when they were living together. Not after the fact. Living together is a big deal, or at least it's a big deal for most people and should be.

Usually when you live together, you want to split the expenses 50-50. It sounds simple, but many people consider how much money the other person makes or how much support the other gets from their family. In a smaller number of cases, one person may be filthy rich enough and not care and just pay as long as he/she gets something else they want basically.

You don't live together, and then just hope. Sure, since it's after the fact, definitely the question should be posed, but it is better to ask these things and other things of physical intimacy beforehand where the two people are in full understanding and agree to what they are getting and giving. It could be both agree to no physical intimacy (fairly to pretty unusual, but possible), but this should be ironed out beforehand.