How do i know when my friends are toxic?

[Annaa]

So I've been friends with these two girls for 9 years now.
I wanna get straight to the point, they never want to try to do something for me like go climbing or do things that I wanna do.
When I start talking about myself they say mhm and change the subject.
They constantly make fun of me, they always post only ugly pictures of me and go out a lot without me.

I believe they once talked bad about me, right in front of me, now I want to give them the benefit of the doubt and say maybe they talked about someone else but my one friend was talking on the phone when I came in. When I sat down and looked like I was distracted on my phone i heard her say : " Yea and she doesn't know how to take care of her curly Hair and she has like two highlighter pallets which she uses everyday and it's just cringe." That's me I am still learning how to take care of my curly hair and yes i only have 2 highlighter pallets and not the best makeup skills.
I once asked friend 1 (the one on the phone) how to make my curls look more defined, she also has curls not as severe as mine but she did something with her fingers which I wanted to learn.
She just shrugged and rolled her eyes.
Later I figured out it was fingercoiling and I don't know if me noticing this is biased but when she saw me doing it she seemed annoyed.
I once posted a picture on Instagram and I saw friend 2 had screenshotted it and when I asked her why she just laughed and said no reason. I'm pretty sure it's to make fun of me.
They talk about everyone so they probably talk about me too.
I once send them a picture of me where I looked really good(no I'm not delusional I actually looked good) and friend 1 jumped to make fun of me.

I always feel bad after hanging out with them and sure there are problaby more good than bad moments but I hate their vibe and thinking about them makes me uneasy. On friend ones brithday she invited her friends to an escape room, only 5 people could go we were 6. So she didn't invite me her reasoning was that I didn't know the others that well which I find quite dumb as she calls me her "best friend" I only came to the party afterwards where we ate cake. I honestly shouldn't have come, if she disrespects me like that I have no reason to be there. Whatever what happened happened.

Friend one thinks that everyone wants to copy her I got a decor for my wall "OMG YOUR COPYING ME" sure she said it was just a joke but every joke had truth in it.

I'm also a bit overweight nothing to noticeable since most of my fat goes to my butt and legs and i have a flat stomach but still overweight so I wanted to get healthier and work out more friend 1 (also overweight) just said that I couldn't loose weight anyways and other mean things.
We once fought because I was upset they never wanted to for anything and they were lazy. So I ignored my one friends for 2 weeks then I talked to her again even tough she started ignoring me first and Invited her out because friend 2 said that she was upset and I'M TOO NICE i'm mad at myself for being so kind. I always listen to whatever they have to say and always give great advice.

There is also my brothers friend who Is pretty attractive and literally every girl has a crush on him. And I really don't want to sound like a pick me but I don't have a crush on him sure I find him attractive as well but I know too much about him to be attracted.

So they were talking about him and how friend 2 was never going to forgive friend 1 if she started something with him so then I asked them why they had such a problem with it if one friend started dating him they accused me of liking him and told me that I would never have a chance anyways. Which seriously annoyed me and now I don't want to go down this route but I am honestly so fed up with everyone that I am so close to becoming toxic just ironing them and do the things they do, I want to post my better and nicer friends and rub it in there faces. The thing is that the boy is a close friend of my brother and I am currently working on my looks and my brother asked me if I would date his friend once I glow up more and I am so close to doing it because I am so annoyed at their behavior I know it's dumb and toxic and petty but I really just want to rub it in their faces that YES EVEN A WEIRDO LIKE ME CAN HAVE FUN AND DATE PRETTY GUYS. I know it's dumb but I don't want them to feel so special anymore because they are not their just mean people who like to take advantage of people who are nicer than them. I just want them to burn in jealousy I'm so annoyed. I know I'm overreacting and I'm sorry but I'll probably calm down tomorrow again. I'm incredibly good at masking as I love studying humans and there behaviors so I know if I want to go find better friends and behave badly I could do it easily but I don't know if my conscience will allow me to do it.

I really hate being nice sometimes I mean why are people so mean and rude.
And please excuse my English if I've made mistakes i'm not a native speaker.

 

[Aspychata]

These are called fake friends. They act like they are your friends. But they spend the rest of the time backstabbing whoever happens to be in the hot seat which sounds to be you. It's actually became worse in school. My daughter was homeschooled. So she made friends later however, she has a sense of self, and isn't dependent on her friends. I was pretty much a loner in school, so l did alright by myself. I don't feel a need to have friends, but surprisingly, l actually do have friends l have known many years.

 

[Swansong]

I'm honestly at a loss as to what you're even getting out of this that you would even call them friends at all? and for like 9 years?

I didn't have a lot of friends in life but those that I did, I'd characterize as some combination of caring, interesting, loving and fun. They made my life better at least a tiny bit in one way or another, that's the whole and sole reason why they were my friends at all.

So, why are these people your friends when they seem to upset you this much?

 

[Annaa]

I'm honestly at a loss as to what you're even getting out of this that you would even call them friends at all? and for like 9 years?

I didn't have a lot of friends in life but those that I did, I'd characterize as some combination of caring, interesting, loving and fun. They made my life better at least a tiny bit in one way or another, that's the whole and sole reason why they were my friends at all.

So, why are these people your friends when they seem to upset you this much?

They used to be nicer and we used to get along pretty well.
I've been trying to cut then out but I honestly don't know if they are really bad or I'm just delusional that's why I came here. Also our parents and brothers are friends so it's hard to just start ghosting them. I tried talking about the problems it just doesn't work.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

They are insecure people who are not friends. They have honed their skills in mocking others and these fake friends only tear others down in order to feel better about themselves. Are they any good? You answered that question by saying you felt worse after being with them. Friends support each other.

You are much more deserving of better friends. It is far more important for you to live your best life than to desire that those people burn with jealousy. You may forgive them their childish actions just as you can forgive yourself for falling into their trap of petty jealousy. As you live a good life, know that such people alienate others so thoroughly that when they finally stumble there will be those who will happily grease the skids for their slide to hell.

 

[Misery]

I wanna get straight to the point, they never want to try to do something for me like go climbing or do things that I wanna do.

To be 100% fair: Even some people who really, truly do care and want to be the best friend possible, they might still do this.

Source: I tend to be like that myself. If there's an activity that others want to do, but it seems dangerous, or makes no sense to me, or if it's something where I seriously believe I'd just somehow manage to ruin it for everyone, I'll always say no to it.

This can be an issue particularly for someone who is really introverted. That person will be much more likely to do this.

Doesnt mean these specific people were good friends or anything, it's just something I wanted to point out.

 

[BryceMcBryde]

When they don’t show respect for things or people you care about. When my ex best friend saw my ex girlfriend walking down the school stairs and I told him she was my girlfriend, he started holding back laughter because of her weight.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Annaa

It sounds like you might need to back away from your friends, but I strongly suggest you do it gradually and politely. Ideally they shouldn't notice that it's happening.

There is no upside to making that kind of renegotiation dramatic and performative, and there are some real downsides. Starting with the risk that they may not all be bad friends. But also including getting into a game of social "tit for tat" that cannot possibly benefit you.

Assuming you're 15, this is an approach that you may not be accustomed to, but the sooner you start learning how to handle personal interactions dispassionately, the smoother your life will be.

FWIW while these people may be not be real friends, that doesn't mean they are toxic or enemies. People throw around words like "toxic" too casually. It can lead to assuming something is being done with malicious intent when it's much less sinister, like growing apart while growing up, and not handling it well.

Things you should definitely do anyway:
* Keep working on yourself, regardless of everything else. Paying attention to food, exercise, and sleep is never wrong at any stage of your life. Ditto social skills and how you choose to present yourself.
* Spend a little time on informal activities with your brother and his friend. Not "dating", but there must be other things. e.g. if he and your brother train at the gym, and you don't, ask your brother to help you get started.

 

[Rodafina]

@Annaa
Your profile says you are 15, so you must have made these friends around kindergarten. It's very possible that you guys are just outgrowing each other and it is time to find different friends. Two things...

Yea and she doesn't know how to take care of her curly Hair and she has like two highlighter pallets which she uses everyday and it's just cringe."

If these are the things that are "problems" for your friends, it may be best to consider spending your time with people who care about much more important things. The way people do their hair and makeup is not really anyone else's business and it is a silly thing to criticize.

I always feel bad after hanging out with them and sure there are problaby more good than bad moments but I hate their vibe and thinking about them makes me uneasy.

Here's all the info you need. Friends are meant to be people in life with whom you share a meaningful connection. Friendships do not need to be positive every second, but if you are always walking away from your interactions feeling badly and they are having a negative impact on your life, it is time to move on.

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You are worthy of having friends who respect you and make you feel good about your relationship with them. These people you have described may no longer be friends and everyone is just holding on to the relationship because you have grown up together. It's time to move on.

 

[Tom]

It reminds me of the saying 'With friends like these who needs enemies'.