How do i stop arguing with people?

[AspieDenmark]

Hello my name is Aleksander and i have a very big problem. Everytime i go on the internet, i go to forums, youtube and all sorts of places where people comment and such and whenever i see a comment that is not correct in my eyes, i need to disprove it and that leads to them getting angry and we start arguing. I do not know how to stop myself. Ive been doing this for years now and i can't control it. Everytime i see someone saying something that totally misleads to what i belive, i feel like proving that what i think is correct and thats the only answer. Can anybody relate / help me on this? I don't want to argue with people but i just can't help myself

 

[Ereth]

Aleksander, I've done this myself, so I can relate. Over time, I've learned to take a step back from situations of this nature and ask myself, "Is this really going to be productive?" If it's not, I try to let it go.

Writing down my feelings also helps. You could try it---or you could listen to music, or exercise, or anything that helps you relax.

 

[erk70]

Sometimes when I hear something stupid I have these rants to myself (I live alone)... It can help blowing off steam... (I think my ADHD helps me get up and off the chair... which prevents me from "ranting" into the computer... so, get up and do something else!)

An other trick is to imagine that the person wrote "I think..." before whatever they wrote. (That works for verbal utterances as well..)

Usually people say things and it's not clear if they think it's fact - something that has to fit into everybody's worlds, or just a personal opinion (very private to their own worlds)... If it doesn't have references to sources... assume it's an opinion ;o)

Another thing is to assume we all live in our own worlds... and they don't have to be in harmony... in fact, they seldom are! That's because we're not members of the BORG Collective!

You might want to look into Non Violent Communication... I read a book or two back in the days, and it's possible it rubbed off...

 

[ZaphodsCloset]

Hej Aleksander!

Have you seen this?
xkcd: Duty Calls

I used to say, "I'd rather be right than liked."
I've let go of the former, still don't need the latter really.
It's a relief.

Also, are there forums where your critique will be welcomed?

I for one would love to receive knowledgeable corrections of my DIY-smørrebrød bentos!

 

[Judge]

Aleksander, I've done this myself, so I can relate. Over time, I've learned to take a step back from situations of this nature and ask myself, "Is this really going to be productive?" If it's not, I try to let it go.

Me too. Part of my healing process has been to try to be more selective where I pick my battles.

 

[Peter]

I fully relate to the OP. Having aspergers, we tend to have very black and white views on things and because these arguments happen online, my honesty is often mistaken for aggression. There are also a lot of trolls and cowards online who get kicks out of winding others up and post things they would never say in real life. I know I shouldn't get wound up by them and ignore them so it makes me feel worse about myself when I do. It's hard when I do a lot of my social interaction online and I'm sitting around not being able to cope with anything much else. I find if someone is winding me up, trying to take a break for a day or two from what the're posting is a good way to calm down a bit.

 

[AspieDenmark]

thank you guys so much <3

 

[Daniel]

I used to drive myself crazy because I "knew best" and I would get very frustrated with people who didn't do things or say things the way I thought they should. (Up until very recently, actually... I feel like I'm getting better at learning how to drive the vehicle that is myself!)

I think back to things I used to think were important...ideas, arguments, reason, philosophies, "right or wrong"... over the years I'd been so sure of myself, only to realize later, after I'd grown a little more, that there was more to learn and it rendered my "sureness" obsolete.

I think about the quality of arguments that take place on online forums... people aren't there to learn from others; they're just there to spout off, and often, just to pick a fight.

Most importantly--and working on teams with others has taught me this--I've realized that I can't expect other people to share my own knowledge, experience and values. Everyone is only as good as where they've been--what they've learned from their experiences. If I want them to see things my way, then I can try to communicate it to them, but they are only going to accept my proposition if it is in some way consistent with their values.

I've also started to factor in my Aspie brain differences, per the article I read on Intense World Theory... I have to remember that the emotions I associate with things, per my amygdala, are intense like they would be in a three-year-old. Therefore, I don't need to get angry/frustrated like a three-year-old!

So I'm trying to remind myself that the mature, Adult thing to do is to listen to others charitably--to give them the benefit of the doubt and empathize with them.

And if someone truly is ignorant, I can state my position, but the most important thing for me is to maintain my personal boundaries and not let others affect me! Live and let live.

 

[AspieDenmark]

Wow that really gave me some insight ...thank you so much for sharing that story daniel

 

[nowwhat]

I have two things to offer. First the humorous, but absolutely true:

Never mudwrestle with a pig. You get dirty and the pig enjoys it.

I used to tend toward argumentative behavior until I realized that most of human behavior isn't logical, so winning an argument changes nothing. You can prove your point beyond any doubt, and people will still do what they want anyway.

 

[IContainMultitudes]

I think I've shared this on the forum before, probably worth sharing here again:

YANSS Podcast – Episode Nine – Why do humans reason? Arguments for an argumentative theory « You Are Not So Smart

 

[eonbus]

The Internet is a waste of time.

 

[sisselcakes]

Hello my name is Aleksander and i have a very big problem. Everytime i go on the internet, i go to forums, youtube and all sorts of places where people comment and such and whenever i see a comment that is not correct in my eyes, i need to disprove it and that leads to them getting angry and we start arguing. I do not know how to stop myself. Ive been doing this for years now and i can't control it. Everytime i see someone saying something that totally misleads to what i belive, i feel like proving that what i think is correct and thats the only answer. Can anybody relate / help me on this? I don't want to argue with people but i just can't help myself

I realize this original post is old, but feel compelled to comment.

Just today I had the epiphany that my ASD boyfriend has a similar issue. He has learned there is no point in arguing with people who don't see things from his point of view, but it still "annoys" him. That's his favorite word.

I came to this realization after dealing with his constant comments about health and fitness that drive me BATTY. He hasn't seemed to learn to disconnect his "annoyance" with me when I don't agree with his points of view because he sees himself as "right" based on what he knows, has read, and believes are stances based on fact and logic.

I agree with something written above, irrespective of someone's beliefs/ideas being wrong, does it hurt YOU to engage in an argument? I'm guessing it does because you wouldn't be asking. I know when I get agitated it's a very unpleasant experience. I'd rather have a peaceful existence.

Maybe consider this. Make a choice based on your knowledge and past experience. How many times have people "seen the light" when you have argued with them about something? If they have and it's important to you maybe you will find it worth getting into arguments. If you are unsuccessful at swaying people (let's be honest, most people look for information to support their supporting positions. That's called confirmation bias, if you aren't familiar with the dynamic.)

I would recommend doing something different. Avoid the areas where you find yourself tempted to engage in arguments. When you feel the need to argue, leave the site and go for a walk. Let the anger calm and make a logical decision as to whether this is going to benefit you.

Now, what I realized about my bf recently is that he has difficulty putting himself in others' shoes when he knows he's right. For example, I live in the US where, unfortunately, we still have to fight for the woman's right to have abortions. I am "pro-choice" but I understand the reasons and "facts" the pro-life people believe they are right. My bf would be unable to understand both sides. Being NT, my mind is more malleable to understand why someone else might believe something "wrong". Or let's use global warming. My bf has data that convinces him that it's a hoax. I have data that says the opposite. Will we ever convince the other? NO! So, except in weak moments, I avoid touching on that subject. He's says I'm "naïve" and I say he's "closed-minded". LOL.

Hope this helps.

 

[sisselcakes]

I have two things to offer. First the humorous, but absolutely true:

Never mudwrestle with a pig. You get dirty and the pig enjoys it.

I used to tend toward argumentative behavior until I realized that most of human behavior isn't logical, so winning an argument changes nothing. You can prove your point beyond any doubt, and people will still do what they want anyway.

You summed this up perfectly, while I took too many words explaining a point. The great majority of people absolutely, positively do not make decisions based on logic. I use the following example: As a social worker, sister, and friend, I have rarely seen a person make a life decision based purely on logic. My brother is considering buying a house, yet he is considering buying one that is more expensive based on how it "feels". I've taken driving routes my bf has questioned because they are longer, they go through the "ghetto", etc. I tell him I just like that ramp to the highway better. It makes no sense but I just like it better.

LOL

 

[AveApollo]

Oh, I have this problem in real life too, and since discovering asperger's only this year, I've let my over-worked filter off recently, and the result is pain and arguments with NTs. Remember: NTs HATE being corrected. They take it as an insult or that you are being nit picky or argumentative lol! Apprently we should pretend that the other person is right, to preserve harmony and discourse. I just can't do that. Online, their NT filter comes off, and they rip each other to shreds verbally. It's also hard for Aspies or NTs to judge written word, and NTs rely a lot on spoken intonation.

 

[rickxxxblaine]

Normal people don't think like us. They lie all the time to everyone, including themselves. They build their own world, full of convictions. And questioning these convictions is some kinda aggression. Just look at those religious guys ready to kill if you believe in the 'wrong' God... I think it's a matter of choice. I used to do this kind of stuff when I was unemployed. Now that I work a lot, I don't have time for arguing, except when it's really important. This can lead to misunderstandings with your closest relative because you 'let go' a lot of things but it's nothing compared to peace of mind

 

[WereBear]

Normal people don't think like us. They lie all the time to everyone, including themselves. They build their own world, full of convictions.

This discussion is interesting, because maybe it explains why I have something like 1% of an NT's capacity for denial.

 

[sisselcakes]

Normal people don't think like us. They lie all the time to everyone, including themselves. They build their own world, full of convictions. And questioning these convictions is some kinda aggression. Just look at those religious guys ready to kill if you believe in the 'wrong' God... I think it's a matter of choice. I used to do this kind of stuff when I was unemployed. Now that I work a lot, I don't have time for arguing, except when it's really important. This can lead to misunderstandings with your closest relative because you 'let go' a lot of things but it's nothing compared to peace of mind

If nothing else I can always trust my bf to be honest with me!

 

[rickxxxblaine]

This discussion is interesting, because maybe it explains why I have something like 1% of an NT's capacity for denial.

To be true, sometimes I wish I could live in a world full of convictions. This can give so much self-confidence. I personally think it's not a mark of intelligence. Intelligent people doubt all the time. Or it's only Aspergers, maybe ?
But self-confident people are like walls, they're solid and can really have a lot of power over others.
I knew a girl like this. She was always 100% sure that what she was requiring or doing was legitimate even against all evidence. And most of the time, she obtained what she was aiming for. Really impressive.
I can't do that, and this lead me to work a lot... Even against my own interests

 

[sisselcakes]

To be true, sometimes I wish I could live in a world full of convictions. This can give so much self-confidence. I personally think it's not a mark of intelligence. Intelligent people doubt all the time. Or it's only Aspergers, maybe ?
But self-confident people are like walls, they're solid and can really have a lot of power over others.
I knew a girl like this. She was always 100% sure that what she was requiring or doing was legitimate even against all evidence. And most of the time, she obtained what she was aiming for. Really impressive.
I can't do that, and this lead me to work a lot... Even against my own interests

My bf is like the girl you describe. He is quite sure of what is right even though there is sometimes evidence to the contrary. He thinks he's open-minded but I don't see him that way. Very rarely he will ponder something I've said an answer "maybe". These things me are more values-based than based on reason, though.