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How do people find people? Advice please.

Before you decide to do anything else further, you may want to consider asking yourself if you love yourself first. I had trouble with wanting to hear and accept this at first, but if you don't love yourself, then it might be that much harder to love others.

How to Build Self-Confidence
 
paloftoon said:
Before you decide to do anything else further, you may want to consider asking yourself if you love yourself first. I had trouble with wanting to hear and accept this at first, but if you don't love yourself, then it might be that much harder to love others.

How to Build Self-Confidence
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true. but whats the point for someone like me to even try? i have 100+ flaws and it has nothing to do with my self-confidence, i have these flaws and i know what people think about these flaws. i am just being realistic when i say that no woman will ever want me, i will never get friends either.

if someone is
genuine ugly and genuine weird/unsmart then there is truly no hope.

there is people who have great self-esteem and put themself out there and trying their whole life and still they had no sucess....this talk about there is something for everyone etc is just fantasy/fairytales.
 
jovanovic said:
true. but whats the point for someone like me to even try? i have 100+ flaws and it has nothing to do with my self-confidence, i have these flaws and i know what people think about these flaws. i am just being realistic when i say that no woman will ever want me, i will never get friends either.

if someone is
genuine ugly and genuine weird/unsmart then there is truly no hope.

there is people who have great self-esteem and put themself out there and trying their whole life and still they had no sucess....this talk about there is something for everyone etc is just fantasy/fairytales.
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"Ugliness" is perception, and plus even less attractive people can improve their looks if they had the money or found one of those shows where you have to give up your whole day to get a makeover. Maybe call a talk show for a makeover if you don't mind being on TV for it. Someone and maybe even many people may not be attracted to you physically, but there are probably some that will like you. You may have to settle for someone who has physical features similar to you or someone much older for now. Exercise and eating healthy can help improve how you look and feel over time.

It's a process. Plus, having a relationship is nice, but it's not everything. Focus on you. If you put yourself out there and made no progress, you haven't really lost anything because you didn't start off with anything. You might need time to prep yourself, but try not to be too hard on yourself. Just try when you can. We'll support you here as much as we can.
 
paloftoon said:
"Ugliness" is perception, and plus even less attractive people can improve their looks if they had the money or found one of those shows where you have to give up your whole day to get a makeover. Maybe call a talk show for a makeover if you don't mind being on TV for it. Someone and maybe even many people may not be attracted to you physically, but there are probably some that will like you. You may have to settle for someone who has physical features similar to you or someone much older for now. Exercise and eating healthy can help improve how you look and feel over time.

It's a process. Plus, having a relationship is nice, but it's not everything. Focus on you. If you put yourself out there and made no progress, you haven't really lost anything because you didn't start off with anything. You might need time to prep yourself, but try not to be too hard on yourself. Just try when you can. We'll support you here as much as we can.
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people can be objective ugly, i am objective ugly. i am 0 of 10 on the look scale.

i cant improve my looks, i tried. i dont have money, i am not smart enough to get a big paid job.

no woman has ever liked me, not even as a friend. 1000+ women have declined when i tried to talk with them.,

"its not everything", i know. but i still want it and i feel bad knowing i will never be in a relationshipo!
 
If its very difficult for you to even talk to her as a friend, I think you should work on that first. You don't really want to start a relationship with someone if you can't even talk to them casually.

When you both decide to make plans together, see it as just memory making initially if that will help with anxiety. Just the suggestion of spending time together is a pretty good indicator that you like them since it shows them that you want to spend quality time with them. So you might not have to tell them you like them. Does make me wonder how you'll be if they invited you out or said they like you!

If they say no to plan suggestions, that's okay, they might just be busy and didn't want to tell you what with, so said no to keep things simple. Best wishes with starting to make memories with them! Have fun when you do!

Edit: Sad to see people in the thread writing themselves off because of bad past experiences. Not every potential partner is the same and if you've already decided for the person you like that they won't like you, then the relationship will never happen. You've gotta give them a chance to make their own decision, and show you trust them. Relationships are built on trust and compromise after all!
 
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Otenba said:
If its very difficult for you to even talk to her as a friend, I think you should work on that first. You don't really want to start a relationship with someone if you can't even talk to them casually.
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This is the number one thing I thought of first! Before a note, or any other attempts, work on your socialization skills and shyness FIRST! (with her, or anyone else- keep practicing!) Because, if you can’t prior to your “date”, it could go very very wrong- leaving you even more sad, frustrated, and fearful to ever try again. Just keep going to the shop, and interacting the best way you can. Now also try these practice sessions with other people too- wherever you go.

Tell her you are very shy, and IF you want to divulge the aspie part, do so, but I would NOT blurt out “I like you!” (As someone above suggested.) That only works when we are teenagers! Proceed SLOWLY, because SHE might need to go slowly too! Don’t push anything, don’t be too impulsive. She might just be feeling the very same things you are too- awkward shyness. Lots of relationships start in awkwardness. It’s ok. Just keep practicing the “small talk” with her, and practice the eye contact if you can with as many females as you can. Soon, the small talk gets a little more more personal, and you devulge the aspie part. But go slow and don’t push. “The harder you push the less it works,” are my thought exactly!
 
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Here's another thing which can help.

Have a plan for worst case scenario. Don't blame yourself, the other person, or anyone. Just try to plan it out so that you handle the situation as an adult and you do not get overly emotional. So, if you ask her and she just says "no" politely, then be polite back and say thank you for being clear with me. I hope we can be friends, and then just walk away and keep communication minimal for a week unless she initiates. After that gap, then just approach her only as a colleague (?) or platonically.

Now that I think about it, generally speaking, it's not a good idea to date co-workers period unless one of you is quitting the job or you don't work with each other directly. (If you are married first, then you end up in the same company, then that can be okay given your responsibilities don't fall along with your partner's, or they would not be considered in appropriate given the circumstances and context of the workplace.)

If the person you ask out treats you the same way this other person did when you were younger, you need to be prepared to stand up for yourself. Be prepared to stay calm. Try to train your mind to do this at least at that moment, and then when you're alone in the privacy of your own home or among close, trusted friends, cry your eyes out.

So, say the person was to laugh at you in front of everyone. Then, be prepared to say something like if you don't to go out with me, that's okay. But if you're going to be intentionally demeaning about it, I have no interest in you either. You're a nasty person and you can go to hell or something like that.

I get the impression that the person who was mean to you was when you were both kids, and now you and this other person are older. I might not have the context 100% because I'm trying to get back to work, lol, but that's the feel I get. Being kids (kids can be cruel) and being older, but possibly more independent and responsible, can definitely make a difference in interactions and possibilities good and bad.

Hope that helps.
 
The coffee t-shirt would definitely win me over. And I don't even like coffee! :D

You should force yourself to do things that scare you though. Learn to enjoy the adrenalin rush a bit. Playing it safe all the time is boring anyway!

Find out what shared interests you have and plan a date around that. Then, even if you don't click romantically, you'll have both enjoyed the activity.
 
Try this and it worked for me.. first time I asked a girl out similar situation to yours even I just walked up to her said Hey how are you doing stuck hand out with note secreted in my palm just as if I was handing off a challenge coin she shook my hand and note appears in her hand.... Magic trick, asking her out and no words out of the ordinary, to everyone but her it looks like two people who know each other shaking hands unless they notice her surprise...
 
I dislike coffee, and flowers, and chocolates, and getting hit on at work though she seems laid back and comfy interacting at work while it stressed me out tons. I liked this autistic seeming cute boy who couldn't make eye contact and was stuttering sorta and silent and self reliant, I probably would think his offer over if hed have asked me to a coffee, and would say 'i dont like coffee but i like water and maybe tea or hot chocolate, or best a walk somewhere in the mall once im off work' cause i dont like spending and my teeth and Pcos dont like sugar. I wonder how old he is, these cute guys may be too young x. x
 
Also most grocery stores have flowers grab a dozen roses while you are in there and just carry some tape and a piece of paper with your number, tape the paper to the roses. She is going to ask about the roses if she is into you and just say they are for you.
 
Well I have to admit flowers aren't too bad as a first move, especially roses, which make a statement and are low allergy flowers. But they must be expensive and might make you look too gentle as opposed to strong confident and original. I would be interested in paper flowers, they come out beautifully and are manual work and cheap. just keep them away from water
 
Or take the time to make her a bracelet, there are tons of designs online, one I used to make was very intricate look up flower pattern bracelets the design I use is my own variation but you could find something if you feel she is on the spectrum I recommend making it out of a soft cord like yarn.
 
I think the "topic" is more than a year old.
It is probably as old as....however long there have been people.
 
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