How do People Recognise Flirting?

[Aalo]

Today I once again got accused on flirting when I was only paying attention. So, it's not ok to lean on palm of your hand and look another person? Sorry, I lost it. Someone just tell me how should I put my hands to look like a normal human being.

I've too been thinking this problem about giving wrong signals as an attractive gal. It's not my intention ever to be a huge cocktease (or what ever anyone is having teased), and at some levels think that people should realize the effect their looks will/could have on people (which still doesn't imply that all good looking ladies should just stay at home). It's never sure to trust others not to get carried away with their thoughts, but I don't see it'd be really that bad if someone has entertaining thoughts as long as it won't reflect on how events take their turn in reality. And at most cases pretty gals too can have their sway in these matters, even if it's just acting indifferent or giving brief kind explanation soon afterwards. After all that other person has to be quite unaware on everything not to get hint on that.

 

[Sparticus]

I successfully flirted with & dated a French Quebecoise from Old Quebec. She worked as a tourist guide. We dated for a few days. Anyhoo I agree...there are so many odds and ends that I don't understand about the whole flirting thingie. Oh it's fun...but then there are blank spots in me "flirting brain." If you don't flirt enough, that's not good. But if you flirt too much that's not the right vibes you want to put out.

Hmm oughta be a book "Flirting when Dating with Aspergers."

THis IS a complicated business. I live in a French place so flirting is culturally entrenched & isn't going anywhere. It is so common that I take it for granted & it doesn't usually freak me out. Flirting here is NOT the same as making a direct 'pass' at someone or hitting on them. A person can flirt from a passing bus to a woman on the street or even when you're at the pharmacy trying to get the pharmacist to help you select the best cold medicine. Some guys who are new to QC get it wrong & do stuff that'll get them in trouble like making a rude comment, staring blatantly, winking or licking their lips, making a rude noise to get your attention...The 'real' pros do it more y smiling just a little, holding eye contact just a little beyond what is socially normative (there are experts who've actually timed this!). French Canadian guys ought to offer some kind of classes for guys who are new to the culture so they don't make vulgar @$$e$ of themselves, frighten the crap out of an unwitting woman or just hopelessly bungle.

As an Aspie, I don't make eye-contact so flirting or making a pass at me is like trying to flirt with a brick wall. The rare occasion when minimal eye contact can't be helped (I use a handy strategy: glance at the person's upper eyelid briefly...looks to them like eye contact) & the person makes some kind of idiotic goo-goo eyes at me, I'm never sure whether or not they have a facial tic, an eyelash in their eye, or some other eye-balls issue. I ignore it the way one tries to ignore someone's obvious scar or deformity.

@ RubenX, as for the skirt pulling thing, it can depend. This can happen if the person:

- miscalculated the length of the skirt: many seem fine when you try them on in the store while standing up. Try sitting & it's a different story.

- Some women bravely leave the house in a short skirt only to realize just how short it really is & become embarrassed.

- Sometimes the skirt is just fine in length BUT the fabric is one of those annoying synthetics that ride up unexpectedly or stick to your nylons (another reason I do not own nylons!).

- Sometimes the person is just a flaky sort of chica who requires constant male attention so the skirt is too short & too tight, the top too plunging & clingy, the heels too high...What is strange about this kind of person is that they do everything to get guys to ogle & then become indignant when they respond. Kind of like putting a help wanted sign outside your store & then screaming at those who show up looking for a job!

 

[Ste11aeres]

Hmm oughta be a book "Flirting when Dating with Aspergers."

Oh, yes. Good idea.

 

[jimited]

I have no idea how to flirt or when someone is flirting with me. All I can say is thank goodness for the internet otherwise I would not be with my partner right now

 

[Soup]

I'm sure the internet has made life much easier for a great many Aspies. This place is, literally, the only place on the planet where I come to socialize on purpose!

 

[Nolan1971]

My solution is making it obvious so no misconception is made. I don't assume flirting either unless made obvious just kind
and affectionate. Only when I know the person can I really tell when they are flirting

 

[nonsensical]

More times than I'd like to admit, flirtations and hints of attraction by women have oftentimes COMPLETELY FLOWN OVER MY HEAD! To every other guy, I'm sure these events would have been likened to flashing lights & sirens with confetti flying through the air. For me, all I noticed were the quietly chirping crickets in a dimly lit alley. Sometimes weeks, but usually years crept by before some mutual acquaintance out of happenstance would make mention of that girl who used to like me way back when. Of course! It would finally dawn upon me. Those signs I so stupidly missed were suddenly so blatantly obvious! How could I have been that clueless to the signs? There are missed possibilities I still kick myself about to this day. Oh well. Life goes on…

 

[Ste11aeres]

More times than I'd like to admit, flirtations and hints of attraction by women have oftentimes COMPLETELY FLOWN OVER MY HEAD! To every other guy, I'm sure these events would have been likened to flashing lights & sirens with confetti flying through the air. For me, all I noticed were the quietly chirping crickets in a dimly lit alley. Sometimes weeks, but usually years crept by before some mutual acquaintance out of happenstance would make mention of that girl who used to like me way back when. Of course! It would finally dawn upon me. Those signs I so stupidly missed were suddenly so blatantly obvious! How could I have been that clueless to the signs? There are missed possibilities I still kick myself about to this day. Oh well. Life goes on…

Same here with regards to pretty much any kinds of signs accompanying pretty much any type of interaction in my life in years past.

 

[Yoshi08]

im so blind to flirting, it almost always goes over my head unoticed. i obviously don't get many of the non verbal socail cues woman give when they like you, i dont know what to do. i dont even know hwo to flirt back i mean if i like someoen i would probably just say i like them instead of flirt since i dontk now how to flirt. i best just avoid it all together. but that makes it hard to meet peopel you like and let them know you like them.

 

[Biblio-Love]

That whole aspect of relationships is so much easier when married. I always assume my husband is flirting with me (doesn't matter if I am wrong), and always assume no other man ever flirts with me (again, doesn't matter if I am wrong). Boundaries are firmly in the correct and proper place.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

All of your posts in not being able to notice when someone is flirting made me smile! Let me tell you that I (NT girl) know when someone is flirting and it totally turns me off - that's probably why I'm still single because I don't flirt back. I would much rather have someone who didn't play games and just came out and said what was on their mind. I think Aspie is the best way!

 

[nowwhat]

More times than I'd like to admit, flirtations and hints of attraction by women have oftentimes COMPLETELY FLOWN OVER MY HEAD! To every other guy, I'm sure these events would have been likened to flashing lights & sirens with confetti flying through the air. For me, all I noticed were the quietly chirping crickets in a dimly lit alley. Sometimes weeks, but usually years crept by before some mutual acquaintance out of happenstance would make mention of that girl who used to like me way back when. Of course! It would finally dawn upon me. Those signs I so stupidly missed were suddenly so blatantly obvious! How could I have been that clueless to the signs? There are missed possibilities I still kick myself about to this day. Oh well. Life goes on…

Story of my life

 

[AsIstAga]

All of your posts in not being able to notice when someone is flirting made me smile! Let me tell you that I (NT girl) know when someone is flirting and it totally turns me off - that's probably why I'm still single because I don't flirt back. I would much rather have someone who didn't play games and just came out and said what was on their mind. I think Aspie is the best way!

I tend to think that be a person "Aspie, gay, bi, trans, or whatever "label" society will give to another human being is just the insecure and ignorant way of keeping people "In their place..." We should all do the right thing and make good choices. Many of us all over this planet have felt good, bad, up/down from time to time. There is no reason we should feel bad about ourselves for the mistakes/bad choices we have made in the past. We are constantly changing, each new day is a chance to start again, and if that is a bad day, just remember that tomorrow "the sun will come out, once again!" This gives everyone a chance/choice to make the proper and choose the good! There is Evil in this world, and it exists within each & every one of us! But, there is also the chance to choose the bright light of the good that is there as well!!! Just because you get over stimulated in one situation does not mean that you can not thrive in a better suited environment! Find your happiness and you will be happy, look for the dark cloud of depression and despair and you will feel incredibly useless! This is no way for ANYONE to have to feel. There is truth & light out there, one just needs to choose to seek out the one thing that will make your light shine...this does not mean that we can not choose to pick up and learn all that we wish to. But in order to do so, we need to find our own choice of inner speech and happiness. There is meaning and metaphors within every form of art. There is meaning in everyone and everything all around us! There should be a handshake between each person, and acceptance of each others differences! We are not that different in the first place, we may have scars, being physical, emotional or both! But we share the same beginning point. Science says we humans share extremely close DNA structures with chimps, and even Trees! Religion, depending on your geographic location, may choose to say different things all at once. But why shouldn't there be the same handshake!? We are ALL human regardless! The great minds in our history have done their best to metaphorically give clues and play word/mind games in order to hide what they were ashamed of saying out loud! The planet is 80% water, or close enough. There is a large amount within us too, and a cucumber is 94%! SKA, Punk, whatever you choose to call yourself, of it's fine with you, then you should feel acceptance with that!

 

[Axeman52]

More times than I'd like to admit, flirtations and hints of attraction by women have oftentimes COMPLETELY FLOWN OVER MY HEAD! To every other guy, I'm sure these events would have been likened to flashing lights & sirens with confetti flying through the air. For me, all I noticed were the quietly chirping crickets in a dimly lit alley. Sometimes weeks, but usually years crept by before some mutual acquaintance out of happenstance would make mention of that girl who used to like me way back when. Of course! It would finally dawn upon me. Those signs I so stupidly missed were suddenly so blatantly obvious! How could I have been that clueless to the signs? There are missed possibilities I still kick myself about to this day. Oh well. Life goes on…

Yep this is the exact same problem I always have.

I think I need to make notes on things I remember that seemed unusual at times when I didn't notice flirting, to see if there are certain things I can learn and try to apply to these situations in future. It happens a lot, according to one of my friends who is responsible for the front of house mix for my band. he says he has seen it happen more times than he can count, where someone's obviously flirting with me and I just don't respond to it at all - for a while he genuinely thought I was gay. I don't think he realises that I just don't pick up on these things and I'm actually very very frustrated with myself for it.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I can't tell you how much of what you all are saying about not picking up on someone flirting is just so sweet! Flirting and pickup lines are just fake to me. What I would like to tell someone who is flirting with me is "If you want to ask me on a date just do it already because I don't like games." The problem with NT men is they don't come out and ask for what they want - they have to make sure they get some signal back from their flirting before they will take a chance on a woman that they want to get to know better. I guess they don't want to get hurt, but that's the chance one has to take. When I ask a guy on a date, I usually do it by email or letter (which gives them time to make a decision on if they would like to go out with me and they also aren't put on the spot to answer right away). Doing the email or letter also makes it less awkward for me and if they do want to go out then they can initiate the meeting (date) like a guy should do.
Since you all are unable to pick up on flirting cues I would just say that you're going to have to go for what you want. If you see someone that interests you, make a move to ask them out (verbally, email, note or even through another friend) and you may find that they're interested in you too!

 

[Mattymatt]

Yep, I'll save the flirting for a little good hearted teasing once I know someone. Otherwise my attempts end in an epic fail ... Lol!

 

[Madame Catfish]

This is something I am completely clueless about. Not only is it difficult to recognise when flirting is happening, but what constitutes flirting in the first place? What do people do when they flirt? How does one classify a social action as "flirting"? Is it flirtacious to pet a man's hair if one is a female? How does one know if others are misinterperiting one's own actions as flirtacious, and how does one know if oneself is indeed flirting? Any help, please?

 

[Rudy Schmidt]

Haha, I'm pretty clueless in this department, too. Several times my wife has had to tell me that somebody was flirting with me, because I failed to recognize it. On the other hand, sometimes when a girl is merely friendly towards me, I wonder if she's flirting when she probably isn't. I never considered myself extremely attractive, so the idea of somebody flirting with me always feels a bit unnatural. A nice compliment, but maybe a poorly-directed one. xD

 

[Ylva]

I tend to interpret all their unwavering stares and unwanted touching as flirting. Better to not assume their intentions are better than they are, than to assume I'm safe and be wrong.

 

[StephF]

I think a lot about it is tone & amplitude of voice, proximity and facial and eye clues. Of course one needs to be able to interpret those signals