How do y'all handle death from someone close to you?

[PATILYN]

My mother died today and we will be going out of town to her funeral. Funerals have always been very difficult for me and many times I have gotten out of going to funerals just because all the emotion and feelings seemed to really mess with me. I wondered if this was an aspie thing or just me. I don't really like all these feelings. I am always trying to figure out why I do things or respond a certain way.

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. Grief and mourning are two separate things. I guess a funeral could be described as the outward expression of grief. It is my NT experience to find funerals difficult too. I catch the emotions going on and I get very teary. Then I feel a bit uncomfortable if i am crying and the deceased isn't that close to me. By now, at my age, I have attended a lot of funerals and wakes. There a lot of myths about what grief is and just because yours doesn't look like mine doesn't make it less real or anything close to easier to handle or alternatively more difficult. I have learned to willingly let the experience of grief change me ... and go forward slightly differently than I was before the loss happened. My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

 

[Starfire]

If it is not too personal can I ask why you are not going? The reason I ask is because I suspect this is an autistic thing. I do not see NT not going to funerals of close relatives.

You may be right it’s an autistic thing I’m not sure. The reasons I won’t be going are that my wife is aware of how uncomfortable and agitated I can be in churches and when having to be around the clergy. The funeral will be in a Catholic Church which would be extremely difficult for me. Let’s just say I went to an all boys catholic school and I was treated extremely badly by the priests there.

I also don’t do well around a lot of people and tend to switch off. I don’t seem to have many emotions or to feel like NT people do and while I can hide, disguise or camouflage myself in day to day life I would stick out at a funeral. This would lead to difficult questions for my wife, I would not be crying and would be perceived to be uncaring, arrogant, offhandish, disconnected etc, in short weird or odd. As my wife’s mother has just died, I feel it would not be right for her to have to explain to the whisperers why things may not be as they expect, why I don’t conform. She had enough on her plate without all this too. She is extremely upset and crying a lot, I don’t know what to do or how to deal with this.

 

[Pats]

You may be right it’s an autistic thing I’m not sure. The reasons I won’t be going are that my wife is aware of how uncomfortable and agitated I can be in churches and when having to be around the clergy. The funeral will be in a Catholic Church which would be extremely difficult for me. Let’s just say I went to an all boys catholic school and I was treated extremely badly by the priests there.

I also don’t do well around a lot of people and tend to switch off. I don’t seem to have many emotions or to feel like NT people do and while I can hide, disguise or camouflage myself in day to day life I would stick out at a funeral. This would lead to difficult questions for my wife, I would not be crying and would be perceived to be uncaring, arrogant, offhandish, disconnected etc, in short weird or odd. As my wife’s mother has just died, I feel it would not be right for her to have to explain to the whisperers why things may not be as they expect, why I don’t conform. She had enough on her plate without all this too. She is extremely upset and crying a lot, I don’t know what to do or how to deal with this.

I'm sorry about your wife's mother. And it must be extremely frustrating to not know what to do to help her. Just a hug will do wonders.

 

[Ginseng]

I can hide, disguise or camouflage myself in day to day life I would stick out at a funeral.

I do understand. I think it is much more difficult to pass as “normal“ when at a funeral. I am sorry for your painful experiences at a Catholic school when you were young. Those people will not go unpunished. I hate it when children are mistreated. Please don’t be hard on yourself.

 

[Starfire]

I'm sorry about your wife's mother. And it must be extremely frustrating to not know what to do to help her. Just a hug will do wonders.

Thank you, I just tried but she is absolutely inconsolably and I don’t hug very well, I’m stiff and board like it doesn’t come or feel natural to me, I also don’t like emotional situations. It’s times like this when my doubts about whether I really am an Aspie despite a diagnosis or not, are clear and unambiguous. Even I can see that I’m processing what’s going on and reacting very differently to everyone else around me at the moment. I feel like a fish out of water.

 

[Starfire]

I do understand. I think it is much more difficult to pass as “normal“ when at a funeral. I am sorry for your painful experiences at a Catholic school when you were young. Those people will not go unpunished. I hate it when children are mistreated. Please don’t be hard on yourself.

Thank you for your kind words, and perhaps it is because at times like funerals that we know we can’t pass as ‘normal’ thus leaving ourselves out in the open and very vulnerable. Not a good situation to be in for an Aspie who spent a lifetime trying not to be noticed.

 

[Pats]

Thank you, I just tried but she is absolutely inconsolably and I don’t hug very well, I’m stiff and board like it doesn’t come or feel natural to me, I also don’t like emotional situations. It’s times like this when my doubts about whether I really am an Aspie despite a diagnosis or not, are clear and unambiguous. Even I can see that I’m processing what’s going on and reacting very differently to everyone else around me at the moment. I feel like a fish out of water.

I can relate - especially the stiff and board like comment. I guess just be there for her when she's ready. Sometimes that's all you can do.

 

[Ginseng]

It is my NT experience

Thank you. I really appreciate hearing an NT’s viewpoint.

 

[PATILYN]

Thank you, I just tried but she is absolutely inconsolably and I don’t hug very well, I’m stiff and board like it doesn’t come or feel natural to me, I also don’t like emotional situations. It’s times like this when my doubts about whether I really am an Aspie despite a diagnosis or not, are clear and unambiguous. Even I can see that I’m processing what’s going on and reacting very differently to everyone else around me at the moment. I feel like a fish out of water.

I am so sorry for this loss in your family. It is so insightful that you are aware of your confusion. Loss creates all sorts of confusion for everyone. No doubt your wife is aware of your difficulties and it is this understanding by her that you can hold fast too while you work through it. I have no doubt that you want to be of support to your wife. Grief feels so lonely sometimes because there is little that can be said to be consoling. I have often wished for a magic wand to make all the heartache just disappear in a flash. Even if you cannot hug well ... it is often very helpful to a NT person (since I am such myself) to just do what we call "hold a place" for the other person. To just be able to sit quietly ... right beside them ... even without touching ... but turned towards them ... and let them talk .... sometimes just asking gentle questions about their memories ... until they can flush some of the grief out. Often the terrible shock of a death has to be absorbed first before any grief response is obvious. It is often very helpful to have someone who is less tearful be a quiet support by just staying close and making it clear that you can do any practical and helpful thing she might need. It helps me when I have been grieving to just have it verbally confirmed to me that the partner in my life is "with me" even if they are not experiencing the same thing as me. You need not feel less valuable to your wife and her family just because your grief response is not like theirs.

 

[Ginseng]

the partner in my life is "with me"

I loved your whole comment! Such empathy.

 

[Mia]

Thank you, I just tried but she is absolutely inconsolably and I don’t hug very well, I’m stiff and board like it doesn’t come or feel natural to me, I also don’t like emotional situations. It’s times like this when my doubts about whether I really am an Aspie despite a diagnosis or not, are clear and unambiguous. Even I can see that I’m processing what’s going on and reacting very differently to everyone else around me at the moment. I feel like a fish out of water.

When my Father passed away, my husband brought me tea and soup and held my hand and brought tissues. He was there as a presence, when I needed him. That was literally all he could do at the time. Later he listened to me talk endlessly about my father. That was perfect as I needed someone to listen. The crying and the mourning will lessen over time. But it's something that people need to do. There is little that you can do but be present when needed.

 

[Starfire]

I am so sorry for this loss in your family. It is so insightful that you are aware of your confusion. Loss creates all sorts of confusion for everyone. No doubt your wife is aware of your difficulties and it is this understanding by her that you can hold fast too while you work through it. I have no doubt that you want to be of support to your wife. Grief feels so lonely sometimes because there is little that can be said to be consoling. I have often wished for a magic wand to make all the heartache just disappear in a flash. Even if you cannot hug well ... it is often very helpful to a NT person (since I am such myself) to just do what we call "hold a place" for the other person. To just be able to sit quietly ... right beside them ... even without touching ... but turned towards them ... and let them talk .... sometimes just asking gentle questions about their memories ... until they can flush some of the grief out. Often the terrible shock of a death has to be absorbed first before any grief response is obvious. It is often very helpful to have someone who is less tearful be a quiet support by just staying close and making it clear that you can do any practical and helpful thing she might need. It helps me when I have been grieving to just have it verbally confirmed to me that the partner in my life is "with me" even if they are not experiencing the same thing as me. You need not feel less valuable to your wife and her family just because your grief response is not like theirs.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write, your post is incredibly helpful! It really is a boon to those of us on the spectrum to have people like you participate here and offer thoughtful and insightful advice and suggestions.

You are correct that my wife understands my difficulties, and I am trying to be supportive in my own way, but I think it falls way short of what she needs. I’ve noticed that all the things that have been suggested such as a hug, sitting close or asking questions/talking etc are what she needs, you are right. They are so difficult for me to do though because they are the opposite of what I would need in her position, so it feels awkward and forced or disingenuous. I have taken @Mia and your suggestions on and I’m trying to put them into action though.

It is interesting to observe that at times like these, in general terms, despite so much learned and practiced common ground the differences between what aspies and NT people need can be so pronounced. While you have understood my wife very well, a hug to me would be claustrophobic, awkward and overwhelming, someone sitting close would be uncomfortable, unnecessarily and unwanted, talking would be intensely irritating and annoying while disturbing my natural chain of thoughts and distracting me. I would need a prolonged period of solitude, peace and quiet to cope with a situation like this. However this is not about me, It’s about her.

It’s strange to see just how differently humans accept, process and deal with loss of a loved one.

@Mia Thanks you for your post it was very helpful and made perfect sense. When you said “There is little that you can do but be present when needed.” That is my current position summed up neatly in one sentence!

@Momster I feel like I have inadvertently hijacked your thread, that wasn’t my intention I’m sure you know. I’ll step back now. I was trying to be supportive to you in this difficult time, so sorry about that. Your topic/thread has been very helpful and informative. I’m quite taken aback by all the support here, it just demonstrates how kind, helpful and thoughtful some people on this forum can be. My thoughts and best wishes are with you tonight.

 

[Ginseng]

I feel like I have inadvertently hijacked your thread,

You did fine. I am glad you spoke up and that people stepped up. Hopefully we can all learn to be there for each other.

 

[the_tortoise]

I'm very sorry about your mom.

I can't compare myself to others in how I handle death.

When I lose someone I love it hurts like nothing else and it seems the whole world falls apart and disappears forever.....I'm thrown through into this horrible new world that doesn't include my loved one, wounded and lost; It takes me time to adjust, and I have found that my grief never goes away but it does quietly settle into the background most of the time and becomes easier to bear.

 

[Ginseng]

It is becoming even more difficult to deal with because they will not have the funeral until Wednesday. I hate having it put off that long. I really need this to be over with.

 

[Mia]

I really need this to be over with.

I know what you mean. Being with people is tiring. Especially if you don't see them often. All the 'stuff' that has to be done, and the endless small talk. It brings back too many memories and emotions that you would rather not deal with there. Coupled with pretending what you think people expect from you or how you are supposed to act.

Usually feel things much later. Even years later. That's why I want it to be over when I'm there, need to think and process in my own way. Not all at once.

 

[AniGa]

Good question...
... last time I had to deal with someone's death, I still felt something for people. I don't anymore (aside from one person), so I'm not actually sure how I would react; any answer I could give would be assumptions based on introspection, not actual experience.

So... hm.
I suppose I would react relatively coldly and fake sadness to not upset people.
I mean, unless the person who died would be that one friend I actually still feel for, and even love with all my heart; her death would most likely destroy my life.


Greets,
AG

 

[Tom]

I poke them to make sure they are really dead and then if no one else is around see if they have any money on them.

 

[PATILYN]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write, your post is incredibly helpful! It really is a boon to those of us on the spectrum to have people like you participate here and offer thoughtful and insightful advice and suggestions.

You are correct that my wife understands my difficulties, and I am trying to be supportive in my own way, but I think it falls way short of what she needs. I’ve noticed that all the things that have been suggested such as a hug, sitting close or asking questions/talking etc are what she needs, you are right. They are so difficult for me to do though because they are the opposite of what I would need in her position, so it feels awkward and forced or disingenuous. I have taken @Mia and your suggestions on and I’m trying to put them into action though.

It is interesting to observe that at times like these, in general terms, despite so much learned and practiced common ground the differences between what aspies and NT people need can be so pronounced. While you have understood my wife very well, a hug to me would be claustrophobic, awkward and overwhelming, someone sitting close would be uncomfortable, unnecessarily and unwanted, talking would be intensely irritating and annoying while disturbing my natural chain of thoughts and distracting me. I would need a prolonged period of solitude, peace and quiet to cope with a situation like this. However this is not about me, It’s about her.

It’s strange to see just how differently humans accept, process and deal with loss of a loved one.

@Mia Thanks you for your post it was very helpful and made perfect sense. When you said “There is little that you can do but be present when needed.” That is my current position summed up neatly in one sentence!

@Momster I feel like I have inadvertently hijacked your thread, that wasn’t my intention I’m sure you know. I’ll step back now. I was trying to be supportive to you in this difficult time, so sorry about that. Your topic/thread has been very helpful and informative. I’m quite taken aback by all the support here, it just demonstrates how kind, helpful and thoughtful some people on this forum can be. My thoughts and best wishes are with you tonight.

Starfire, I must tell you, if it might help you with a better understanding of a big picture .... that there have been very close NT people in my life who have not attended funerals of people close to them ... one who did not attend a wife’s funeral because it was just too much for him and another who did not attend her mothers funeral. It is something each family deals with differently. A funeral is only an outward symbol of the grief... but the day to day living after the loss will be the hardest. I wish you and your wife much solace and caring at this difficult time. I could hear the care and concern for your wife in the post. The very fact that you do not wish to cause her further anguish is a testament to your relationship! Someone told me once ...that people are around death and dying as they are in life ... just more of it! My thoughts continue to be with you!

 

[PATILYN]

It is becoming even more difficult to deal with because they will not have the funeral until Wednesday. I hate having it put off that long. I really need this to be over with.

My thoughts are with you this weekend as you process this change in your family. I was assisted once with respect to death by being asked to hold to balls of different coloured clay in each hand. I then moulded the two pieces into one piece. By the end, I could no longer pick out each colour of course. This is how grief and dying affected me. I became changed and different. It was very anxiety producing ... this permanent change and loss ... it is so hard. The funeral is just the outward symbol of her life lived. I am sad for you as you work through it.