How do you confront an Aspie?

[Siobhan]

Definitely agree with everyone saying to be direct. Say exactly what you mean. Have a good idea of what you want from him and be able to explain it. Additionally, when people stay calm and say things to assure me that my reactions don't make me a bad person, because often I'm trying really hard to have the right ones and it's humiliating to learn I messed up again.

 

[Jane Smith]

UPDATE: The confrontation was a success!! We sorted out our boundaries. He didn't shut down or anything. Whew.

Thank you all for giving advice and helping. Couldn't have done it without ya'll.

 

[Jane Smith]

I am still getting comments on this (that were deleted), so I am going to tell you guys how I confronted him! Just in case that helpful.

The first time I confronted him a few months back, I was not on this site. So, I did it all wrong and he had a complete shut down.

[All of what I am saying is specific to him. So, other Aspies may act differently]

This is what caused it:
-I kept saying "I feel like..." versus being direct.
-I kept stating my insecurities. This was not helpful because he wouldn't know how to fix them.
-I kept saying it "felt" like he didn't like me or that he didn't care.
-I accused him of being very confusing and that he was giving me mixed messages
-I made a lot of assumptions

With the latest confrontation (the one I am talking about in this thread) he had no shut down. He was perfectly fine afterwards.

What I did different:
- Gave him a bit of a background of myself to explain why the misunderstanding may have happened. It wasn't his "fault". It was also mine. it was just a situation we needed to discuss.
- Except for forcing him to creatd boundaries, I helped him form some.
-I did this by asking a lot of questions: "Are you okay if I do this?" "Are you okay if you do that".
-If he reluctantly said yes to a question, I would ask about it.

For example: I asked him if he was okay with me Direct Messaging him on twitter. (He likes e-mails).
He reluctantly said yes.
I said, "I see that you are a little uncomfortable. Are you SURE you are okay with me Direct Messaging you? Don't worry. You're not hurting my feelings".
He didn't respond, but looked uneasy. So, I said, "I am not comfortable with you being uncomfortable. So, I will refrain from Direct Messaging you until comfort happens".
He eased up after this.

-I asked him how he saw our relationship. He answered quite bluntly.
-I told him I appreciated his bluntness and that I would like him to keep being clear in the future.
-We agreed on a schedule that we would meet. Right now we are meeting every 2 weeks.

I am sure when he got home he probably thought about the conversation a lot, but his reaction was very different with this new approach. Hope this helps some NTs (and possibly Aspies) out there!

 

[Mary 1]

I feel like I've been making a lot of threads on here lately. Hahaha. I just have so many questions!

After being on this site for a while, I have learned a lot about my Aspie friend. A lot of his habits and personality makes sense to me now! However, lately, hanging out with my Aspie friend has been difficult. Every time I am around him, I get a very strange, uncomfortable feeling in my gut. Something just doesn't seem right.

I haven't been able to describe this discomfort, but the discomfort keeps growing and growing. It's gotten to the point to where I don't even want to hang out with my Aspie friend anymore, and that's very sad! He's one of the best human beings I have ever met. I don't want to lose him.

My sister gave me this article, and it described my feeling exactly. I couldn't put it in better words:

479: Aspie to Aspie: Relationships

I am not Aspie, but I am a victim of intense trauma. Because of neglect from a young age, I have communication issues. For the past 10 years I've been in therapy to fix it.

I feel like when Jim met me there was A LOT of excitement, especially from him. He was talking to me everyday, he would read all my tweets, watch all my videos (I am a youtuber), e-mail me every time he had a chance, etc. He was SO excited someone falls "saw" and accepted him for the way he was.

At first these boundaries felt consistent. Jim was good at masking and didn't like showing signs of being Aspie. However, over the year, his boundaries started to shift. Then I realized his boundaries were actually quite rigid. Far more rigid than he gave me the impression of. These boundaries are important, and if the boundaries aren't respected he burns out, and overwhelmed.

it feels like Jim (and even I) were SO EAGER to be friends a lot of these things were ignored. Boundaries got blurred, and I feel like I over stepped several times. When I ask him about this he doesn't communicate.

I feel like I need to sit down and just confront him on these feelings, but I have NO IDEA where to start. How do I bring it up? Do I talk to him in person? Over e-mail? Text? What do I say? How do I not overwhelm him? What if he shuts down?

I would just say what I said here, but again he gets overwhelmed and shuts down very very easily.

How do you deal with confrontation? How do you confront others?

 

[Mary 1]

Hi
I have similar problem. I am going out with very nice man who has Aspergers. We had the most wonderful several dates and I really like him. He told me openly that he has A and I accept that and really respected that he told me so early in our dating. However, after our last date which was beautiful again he got cold. I was talking to him on phone every day, we texted each other and then I realised that he found talking on a phone difficult and also he didn'
Like texting because his mobile is older and he must type each letter. So, I suggested to him not to call him or text him but to send him emails which he accepted. Last time we spoke on a phone I told him that I am reading a lot about his Aspergers and I could felt he liked that. I told him that I am reading because I want to understand better how he feels. He was saying how he feels tired, he was sleeping a lot and was just tired all the time. However, he would still emailed me every day. And then today I sent him two emails one in the morning (as usual) and one late afternoon. No reply. This is first time he didn't reply to my emsils. Ever. I am devastated. I finally sent my last message today about an hour ago and just wished him good night and that I love him. I am really worry about him as he is not well still I know but it looks like he shut down. I told him in my email today that I worry and I wish I am closer to him so I can help him as he lives alone and about hour drive from me. Maybe I shouldn't say that. I didn't mean anything bad. Last night he sent me email saying at the end that he loves me a lot. And every his email finishes that he loves me a lot. Please help me with advice what to do. I love him because he is such lovely kind intelligent nice man and we enjoy each other company so much. I want us to continue our relationship but also don't
Want to push him away with my emails.
I hope you could give me some wise words as I am new to this site and never dated Aspie man before. I want to have right approach and our relationship to work.

The first time I confronted him a few months back, I was not on this site. So, I did it all wrong and he had a complete shut down.

[All of what I am saying is specific to him. So, other Aspies may act differently]

This is what caused it:
-I kept saying "I feel like..." versus being direct.
-I kept stating my insecurities. This was not helpful because he wouldn't know how to fix them.
-I kept saying it "felt" like he didn't like me or that he didn't care.
-I accused him of being very confusing and that he was giving me mixed messages
-I made a lot of assumptions

With the latest confrontation (the one I am talking about in this thread) he had no shut down. He was perfectly fine afterwards.

What I did different:
- Gave him a bit of a background of myself to explain why the misunderstanding may have happened. It wasn't his "fault". It was also mine. it was just a situation we needed to discuss.
- Except for forcing him to creatd boundaries, I helped him form some.
-I did this by asking a lot of questions: "Are you okay if I do this?" "Are you okay if you do that".
-If he reluctantly said yes to a question, I would ask about it.

For example: I asked him if he was okay with me Direct Messaging him on twitter. (He likes e-mails).
He reluctantly said yes.
I said, "I see that you are a little uncomfortable. Are you SURE you are okay with me Direct Messaging you? Don't worry. You're not hurting my feelings".
He didn't respond, but looked uneasy. So, I said, "I am not comfortable with you being uncomfortable. So, I will refrain from Direct Messaging you until comfort happens".
He eased up after this.

-I asked him how he saw our relationship. He answered quite bluntly.
-I told him I appreciated his bluntness and that I would like him to keep being clear in the future.
-We agreed on a schedule that we would meet. Right now we are meeting every 2 weeks.

I am sure when he got home he probably thought about the conversation a lot, but his reaction was very different with this new approach. Hope this helps some NTs (and possibly Aspies) out there![/QUOTE]

 

[Mary 1]

Hello
I have been dating really nice Aspie man for more than a month. He is really kind generous intelligent loving man. We enjoy time together and he told me on our second date that he got Aspergers. I respected that he told me that and I accepted it. Last time we met it was beautiful date which was two weeks ago. He lives alone and not in my town. He comes every week to my town so we can meet and he doesn't mind travelling I went to him once. We exchanged numerous texts calls and emails. Every day. Then after our last date he got cold. We spoke on a phone at the beginning of his cold but then I realised that he is very tired when we speak and knowing this and also that he found texting annoying (he had to type on old mobile phone he has-not smart phone) I suggested to him that I will not call him any longer or send texts but will send him emails. I also said that I will wait until he tells me that he is ready to talk on a phone. Last time we spoke on a phone k told him that I am reading about Aspergers because I want to understand him better. He seems fine with that. Then emails were going backwards and forward and we emailed each other all week. However, today no response from him. I sent him two emails today. One in the morning (as usual) and one in the late aft (as usual). But today is first day he didn' respond. I am devastated. I don' know why he didn' reply today to me. I said in my second email that I wish I live closer so I can help him some things. He loves vintage things and that is his special interest. I didn' mean anything bad, I just wanted to let him that I worry about him and that i would like to help him. Maybe that was a trigger word. He never invited me to his place and he never been to mine. We never talked about it so far. I really love him and I just hope he still lives me. My last email tonight to him was just to wish him good night and I told him I love him. His every email finish with words " I love you a lot." And he said that last night in his last email I received.
Please help me. I don' know what to do. To wait? To call him? Or something else.
I don't have Aspergers. I am new to this site and I am just to relieved I can send this message. I hope some of you, who have much more experience than me, will send me some wise words. I love him and I know he loves me. But what to do now? I don' want to loose him. I just want to know what would be the best thing to do to continue our communication and relationship.
Thank you
Mary

 

[Jane Smith]

i find with Aspies you have to be EXTREMELY patient. You also have to have a lot of trust.

Again, Jim and I went through exactly what you went through. We were talking every single day. Then suddenly he stopped. Now I see him every 2 weeks. At the beginning, this was heart breaking. I love him so I want to see him constantly. However, I have to understand that Jim does not work the same way I do. So, I have to step back and wait.

There could be a million reasons why he didn't e-mail today, so don't make any assumptions. Just patiently wait a couple days. If you don't hear from him then, reach out and ask. If he doesn't respond, that's okay. he might come around.

You just gotta trust him! You gotta trust that he'll start e-mailing you again. It's going to be okay!

 

[Mary 1]

]i find with Aspies you have to be EXTREMELY patient. You also have to have a lot of trust.

Again, Jim and I went through exactly what you went through. We were talking every single day. Then suddenly he stopped. Now I see him every 2 weeks. At the beginning, this was heart breaking. I love him so I want to see him constantly. However, I have to understand that Jim does not work the same way I do. So, I have to step back and wait.

There could be a million reasons why he didn't e-mail today, so don't make any assumptions. Just patiently wait a couple days. If you don't hear from him then, reach out and ask. If he doesn't respond, that's okay. he might come around.

You just gotta trust him! You gotta trust that he'll start e-mailing you again. It's going to be okay![/QUOTE]

 

[Mary 1]

Dear Jane
Thank you so much for your reply. It is so similar with mine and your relationhip. Yes, I have to be patient. I will wait and wait. You are absolutely right. We used to see each other once a week. I was also thinking that our dates maybe were overwhelming for him. We go out and then stay the whole day together until late at night when he takes train back home. In one day we go for breakfast lunch markets shops cinema gallery or museum and then finally evening meal. Too much sensations?

Every time. He was enjoying as much as I did. Always. But I am realising that it was just too much or he just wanted to carry on as NT maybe to satisfy me. I dont mind doing less thing with him in one day at all.

I feel now a bit guilty if i contributed to his present state. He said he got bad cold or flu but also he knows that I understand that he is going through some difficult crisis. I really hope that time will help him to come back to me. I will have to wait as you said and if doesn't reply in few days I will confront him. He is a very good man and I can not believe that doesn't
Love me any longer. Thank you so much for talking to me. I am new to this

 

[Streetwise]

for me if I had an nt husband or boyfriend I would telling them as much as I possibly could but that's probably because I'm female ,communicating with people is absolutely shattering and understanding social rules makes me even more tired, all I want to do is go home and sit down or sleep.
if I was with somebody I relied on I would go with them but I would still want to be home and resting ,anxiety is very common in autism, disliking change of routine is also very common ,coping with spontaneity is very draining.

 

[Mary 1]

Thank you very much for your thoughts....really appreciated. I know what you mean....this drains me a lot and today....still no reply. I will wait and be patient I think because I don't want to overload him...this would be the last thing I wanted to do...to overload him.

What other people think? I so much appreciate your thoughts....xx

 

[Jane Smith]

Welp. Looks like I am in the same boat as you, Mary. I sent Jim a few e-mails, and he didn't respond to any of them. At first I thought maybe he forgot, but now he isn't responding to texts, @s or Direct Messages.

So, I dunno! I might wait a week and check up on him again.

But, in the mean time, I'll make a new thread post about this to help us NTs out. You can probably write your situation on there, Mary, for people to respond.

So Confrontation didn't go as well as planned

 

[Mary 1]

Hi Jane
So sorry to hear that he is not responding. Please leave it for now and wait. No pressure is better i think. I have started new thread under "dating middle age AS man-communication and maintaining relationship". Please read my full story. You will see some more details. I have received very useful advice from a man called Judge. I hope it will be useful for you too. I really hope we came out of this in positive way and they come back to us.

 

[Judge]

In my own case in looking back over my life, it didn't take much to disrupt the dynamics of my relationships with NT females. Work, money, health, a regular need for solitude...whatever. Where I could suddenly withdraw emotionally and physically attempting to "ration" all my social relationships to conserve my energy. Too bad though at the time I had no idea I might be on the spectrum of autism.

 

[Mary 1]

Hi Judge
Yes, I understand all you have said. When your world is disruptive you need time for solitude. I get that now for sure. I wish I knew that before but I hope it is not too late for my love to return to me. I will be patient and wait...Do you think I should contact him first or wait for him to make the first move?
Thank you so much.