How do you deal with jerks?

[Sparticus]

Every time I believe I know everything in the Universe, along comes a Gomendosi post that shatters my philosophy and forces me to quietly contemplate expanding my intellectual horizons. Please people understand after many days of a stressful work load, I am reduced to an amoebae, until I get some sleep! I fully concur with the below post. Thanks!

How do I deal with jerks you ask?, well of course you can imagine, I get angry... but oddly, I mostly get angry with myself.
I am annoyed because I cannot fathom what has happened in this persons life that they have arrived at the conclusion their current behaviour is even neccesary, acceptible, warranted or in the long run, defensible.

It actually makes me sad for that person because no amount of talking to or offers of support or help etc. will ever make a difference to them. They have consciously chosen a miserable path in life and the only person that can change that is themselves, though therein lies the rub as I can surmise that perhaps they have become so invested in this behaviour cycle that it is now self perpetuating. I theorise that people that take on this kind of persona, possibly they were hurt initially and not being able to cope they struck out at those willing to help, which led to imaginings of persecution, bullying and ganging up when they later realised they needed help and upon asking for it, were refused or not assisted as much as they figured they should be.
Such a scenario could have led to thoughts of repercussions being visited on those the percieved slights came from and lo, a caustic personality is born!

The true fact is that people like that do not deserve your pity despite being pitiful, nor do they deserve contempt or anger or to fear reprisal. Ignore them and they do not go away as they are oblivious to all but themselves. I guess I say that truly the only way to deal with so called "jerks" is to realise them as a warning of what not to allow yourself to become.

Let people like that do what they do as it is a certainty they have very little other comforting or pleasurable pursuits in their lives... and be sure not to take it too much to heart as even the lowliest amongst us can have their moments of wisdom, wit or insight that may well be almost redemptive and of benifit to others.

 

[Sparticus]

Yikes I'm like Christy...but learning...to cope with these monumental dbags...I wont' quit till I am verbally assertive and not taking their crap. Or ignoring them-my that's a marvelous philosophy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You need to consider exactly what I told Sparticus. Not to walk away per se, but to show indifference when provoked. If you're having a panic attack right in front of the people provoking you in real time, you aren't able to remain rational. That's your challenge. Not to lose your cool...and no matter what is in your heart and mind, to display indifference as best you can muster.

Truly cruel and malicious people can be terribly predatory. When they see you are visibly shaken by confrontation they may well press their personal attacks rather than back down. But if you appear somewhat unfazed, they're more likely to back off. I realize it's no easy task to train yourself to behave in such a manner. It's something to work at, Christy.

Whether you work in a little office where people can flagrantly violate labor laws or in a heavily regulated corporate environment, you are bound to run into these kind of people from time to time. Admittedly, in a more regulated working environment people like that are eventually going to get the boot. When you do seek another employer, keep the scale of an office in mind as well.

 

[Sparticus]

Thanks everyone! Too tired to write anything intelligent...but really appreciate the advice! Where there's a will, there's a way. I won't quit till I have taught myself to be more verbally assertive. Or just ignore them...

 

[ImAnAspie]

I have never worried much about what strangers/new acquaintances would say or think about me. I pretty much grew up in my own world/danced to the beat of my own drum.

Having said that, when I was younger, if I met someone new, I would tend to think we were friends before they obviously considered us to be friends. I was a bit like a naive little puppy and would trust others very quickly - and sometimes it would bite me in the bum. I would say something (that I could see nothing wrong with and meant no harm) and they would fly off the handle over (seemingly) nothing and have a go at me. That used to hurt me A LOT and I would always try to remember the next time I met someone, not to fall into the same trap of feeling too close too soon - but I never learned. It took many years of this for me to take what others say/think about me with a grain of salt. I think I just outgrew worrying about what others thought of me.

One thing I heard many years ago that stuck with me and made a huge amount of sense was - "When you worry about something someone else says or thinks about you, what you're actually doing is putting that person's opinion ahead of your own" - and who knows you better than you? Them? I don't think so

You'll be right with time - Good luck

 

[Carlos]

I really like Judge's advice to show indifference. I will try to practice that, but I do hve a problem with it: in such situations i have so much adrenaline flowing that it's obvious I'm not indifferent, and the need to defend myself is overwhelming. How does on control one's own hormones?

I am a lot like Sparticus in that I write things down to remember to say next time. Part of my Aspie pattern is that my brain freezes when I'm under attack, and so it's only much later that a good response comes to me. If i can anticipate the situation (since if it happened once with a particular person it's likely to happen again), I try to plan a response that does not sound too defensive and that projects strength instead of weakness, and asserts my authority. That is often a struggle when the natural impulse is to be defensive. I am finding a need to balance Judge's advice of indifference vs. the need to correct a situation and not allow an abusive move to go unchallenged. Am still working on it.

 

[Judge]

I really like Judge's advice to show indifference. I will try to practice that, but I do hve a problem with it: in such situations i have so much adrenaline flowing that it's obvious I'm not indifferent, and the need to defend myself is overwhelming. How does on control one's own hormones?

If you can adapt yourself to show indifference, you just need to take this just a little bit further. Admittedly it may depend where you are on the spectrum as to how well you might be able to do this. But with all that adrenaline, there's plenty to "practice" with:

[Lawrence has just extinguished a match between his thumb and forefinger. William Potter surreptitiously attempts the same]

William Potter: Ooh! It damn well 'urts!

T.E. Lawrence: Certainly it hurts.

Officer: What's the trick then?

T.E. Lawrence: The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts.

- "Lawrence Of Arabia"

 

[Carlos]

T.E. Lawrence: The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts.

Judge, thank you for this quote, it really is helpful. Here is a dilemma I struggle with: Does responding with indifference always communicate a message of strength? Or are there times when not responding to abusive behavior makes it seem that such behavior is OK?

(BTW there is a trick to extinguising that match so that you don't feel any pain at all. I used to do it in high school. Now if there were only some way to do that in real life situations!)

 

[Judge]

Judge, thank you for this quote, it really is helpful. Here is a dilemma I struggle with: Does responding with indifference always communicate a message of strength? Or are there times when not responding to abusive behavior makes it seem that such behavior is OK?

Responding with indifference communicates a message of maturity. It forces the offending person to make a quick decision to either act their age and back off, or be a child and pursue an attack as if they were on a schoolyard rather than an office. It's not foolproof, but it is psychologically strategic.

For people who are incapable of such reasoning, it will eventually catch up with them at a different time or place. Not much solace in that, but as I posted earlier I'm a firm believer in karma.

(BTW there is a trick to extinguising that match so that you don't feel any pain at all. I used to do it in high school. Now if there were only some way to do that in real life situations!)

Is there a trick for an Aspie to emulate Neurotypical behavior? For those of us who can do it to some extent, it's emotionally and mentally taxing. And it usually cannot be sustained indefinitely. It's alien to us. It hurts.

The trick? Not minding that it hurts. In this instance you choose not to show what you are thinking. If you can, of course. None of this is easy.

 

[Carlos]

I've been contemplating this topic as this thread has grown and a Proverb came to mind:

Do not answer a fool according to his folly, Or you will also be like him.
If someone is being verbally abusive, they're not worth wasting your time. Physical abuse is another thing that demands a disproportional response.

This is perfect because it expresses my dilemma exactly. The quote is Proverbs 26:4. But here is Proverbs 26:5:
"Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he become wise in his own eyes."

Like most contradictory proverbs, there are some situations where one works best, and other situations where the other works best.
I work as a patient representative in nursing homes. This problem came to mind recently. I was publicly chewed out by a hostile nursing supervisor for a minor procedural error. She overreacted and it was humiliating. Being an Aspie (at least this is how it works with me), at any sudden attack my brain freezes. If I encounter her again I will have to say something; still trying to figure out the best response. I also wish I had the reflexes to come up with an appropriate response right in the moment, but unfortunately I'm not wired that way.

 

[Carlos]

Responding with indifference communicates a message of maturity. It forces the offending person to make a quick decision to either act their age and back off, or be a child and pursue an attack as if they were on a schoolyard rather than an office. It's not foolproof, but it is psychologically strategic.

Thanks, this is good advice. It does seem sometimes that an error needs to be corrected. There must be some way of combining your strategy with that when the situation requires it. Good to think about.

 

[Judge]

Thanks, this is good advice. It does seem sometimes that an error needs to be corrected. There must be some way of combining your strategy with that when the situation requires it. Good to think about.

Occasionally WE can do non-verbal communication just as effectively as can they.

 

[Carlos]

As for the "brain freeze," that's exactly what happens to me. I've never been one to verbally joust. Often times the matter will bounce around in my head for a few days while I try to "sort if out" (I posted a thread on that subject elsewhere) and discern whose fault it was, what I could/should have done, etc. My director knows I'm not a verbal jouster, so he used to harass me every chance he could. This time last year, I filed a multi-page complaint against him with our Human Resources Department that detailed incidents, dates, times, everything. Additionally, I let it leak that I had surreptitiously recorded his actions with a pocket tape recorder. I also advised his boss during a meeting with him that I have spoken with an attorney. Suffice it to say that my life has been much better since then.

Hi Sportster,

What kind of a place do you work in? I would get in trouble if I started taping people like that. Glad it worked for you.

That brain freeze thing really bothers me. There are so many situations I could have salvaged if I knew how to react more quickly. But I think that's just part of Aspie wiring. Those guys who are on the scene of an accident and immediately know just what to do to save the day - I'll never be one of them.

 

[The Penguin]

I just take action. I don't take **** from anyone regardless what the person role is in life.

 

[Turk]

Unfortunately I have an inner child, who is very immature, who loves to come out to play with jerks. Combine this, with intellect and an over active justice centre, and I'm itching to take down a jerk. I probably go a bit far at times but I've usually got reason. So sleep easy cos Turks out there ridding the world, one jerk at a time

 

[Randomperson]

Unfortunately I have an inner child, who is very immature, who loves to come out to play with jerks. Combine this, with intellect and an over active justice centre, and I'm itching to take down a jerk. I probably go a bit far at times but I've usually got reason. So sleep easy cos Turks out there ridding the world, one jerk at a time

I would prefer to build a neutron bomb that targets dna strands of people that act like jerks and take them all out at once.....

 

[AsheSkyler]

Ehhh, depends on the jerk. One that likes to fight, well, my past ones leave me alone when they find out I fight back.

The verbal ones... Depends on my mood. I may roll my eyes and ignore them because they're not worth my time, or at the least let them know they're not worth my time.
I may rattle off something equally offensive for the fun of it.
I may publicly embarrass them. (Like the boy at church who wouldn't stop pulling my hair when I was a kid so I shouted at him to stop in the middle of service one Sunday. It worked!)
Or if what they said really bores me and I've had enough, I laugh at them and go through a detailed analysis of why they are a failure of a bully, how their poor insult was terribly constructed and the real insult was how something so silly was supposed to be insulting and I'm having to deal with somebody so inexperienced, and possibly a brief psychoanalysis of how they are insecure, have control issues, have a problem of projecting their problems on another and attacking that image because they secretly hate themselves, and have some past trauma they obviously need to address.

All my kindness went out the window after the 10th or 15th death threat I was given. There's probably nicer ways to deal with a jerk. I've since lost interest in it.

 

[clg114]

The world is full of jerks and you will encounter them. I will ignore them and walk away. Saying anything just makes the situation worse. Those who think worse of you for doing this, are probably jerks to. As it has been pointed out, this is fine for verbal assault, but not so much if a jerk means to do you physical harm. I am a older person in poor health, but I still need to be able to protect myself and my family. Because of this, I am a armed citizen. Being a armed citizen, I feel that I MUST retreat from trouble until I can not retreat anymore. I do not what to hurt anybody, but at that point I will protect my self and my family.

 

[paloftoon]

Jerk is kind of vague. People could be jerks because it's in their personalities, the way they were brought up, their personal experiences, etc. Staying away if possible is a good solution. Dealing with it and trying to do whatever you can to not be walked on and to minimize provoking is a good idea generally speaking too as mentioned before.

 

[Militantbuddhist]

[QUOTE="I will continue to do this to become more assertive. I hate bullys and aholes. How do you handle jerks and those who orgasm off of hurting you? I know I'm sensitive but I'm at the point I will no longer deal with this.[/QUOTE]

It depends on the situation, mild attacks i just ignore
more harsh attacks I use my size and body language to intimidate the other party NOTE: THIS IS NOT A RECOMMENDABLE STRATEGY if the situation gets out of hand you could get hurt and/or face legalimplications! I just had to share this for my own sake.