How do you feel about mobiles (vs. landlines & e-mail) ?

[ZaphodsCloset]

Maybe you need to be more dependable in your social life? Even with a cell phone, it could be annoying for some people to get a phone call last minute telling them that all of the sudden one of your errands took you someplace else.

Ten minutes walk in one direction is a pretty low cost for him, and a pretty huge drain on energy and pain-management-reserves for me. So if a bus gets re-routed because of protests or construction (both of these happen a lot in the area we'd generally meet), it's better if I can get out and plant myself in a cafe and ask him to walk to where I am.

He's been happy to join me for errands in the past, and I can't predict how long lines will take. So rather than interrupt my own progress to rush to some pre-designated bus stop or train station, it makes sense for him to know roughly where I am then once he gets off public transportation get specifics of where I am.

The cost to me of being "more dependable" in this context (him starkly refusing to get a phone to facilitate small adjustments) is turning out to mean not meeting him at all.

Despite all of my own health and mobility challenges, I have quite a few options for social interaction ...with people who are a lot easier on the nose, eyes and ears, and who bring positive traits this guy isn't able to. Look, I value the guy a lot as a person. But from a social-hierarchy perspective (as crude as that sounds, it's a useful metric) he's working with a pretty limited set of assets. The smell issue requires meeting him in a well-ventilated location. (BF's place is a loft so in the past has been OK, but the past few times this guy has left a smell that's lingered for a few hours even there.) This in turns means meeting up with him at a time when I'm out and about anyway. Which generally means errands. BF is going to bring up the smell thing at some point when I'm not around ...but BF is even more annoyed with the no-mobile thing than I am, so the odor conversation hasn't happened yet.

"More dependable" in the sense of rushing to be done by a certain time, and then focusing all my attention on him? Not going to happen. That level of investment is reserved for BF and a few friends who are flat-out pleasant and easy to be around. This could change, if AspieFriend at some point reduces his currently-inherent baggage of conversational and sensory irritants.

I know this sounds harsh! Personally though I've had very satisfying results from accepting the reality of social hierarchies and adjusting my expectations (and performance) accordingly.

Of course, I could stop meeting him at all. But I've seen how he gets perplexed and hurt when other people do this, and he doesn't know why. He's expressed frustration that they don't tell him why, so I've been pretty h@11-bent on telling him about things that make interactions with him less attractive than is conducive to meeting as often as he'd like. So far it's not working very well.

No, some of them indeed do not. I recently banned a couple from the house because she couldn't even give me so much as a phone call on her way out the door when she planned to drop by unannounced. Well, what got them banned was them saying I had to let them come whenever they wanted and I had a psychological issue if I didn't let them. My house, my rules. No comply, no welcome.

Sounds like she's the one with issues. As in, no understanding of healthy adult boundaries. Just dropping by unannounced? Jeeesh! Glad you put a stop to that.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Ten minutes walk in one direction is a pretty low cost for him, and a pretty huge drain on energy and pain-management-reserves for me. So if a bus gets re-routed because of protests or construction (both of these happen a lot in the area we'd generally meet), it's better if I can get out and plant myself in a cafe and ask him to walk to where I am.

Didn't realize you were relying on buses and such complications. And having to deal with pain-management can change a lot of things. I recently returned to work after knee surgery, and at first it was quite difficult to deal with the pain.

 

[AsheSkyler]

He's been happy to join me for errands in the past, and I can't predict how long lines will take. So rather than interrupt my own progress to rush to some pre-designated bus stop or train station, it makes sense for him to know roughly where I am then once he gets off public transportation get specifics of where I am.

That sounds like a pretty good system. I'm partial to that kind of system since that's how things go with the few people I meet with. Meet somewhere in town, go run errands together, and maybe grab a snack at some point.

I know this sounds harsh! Personally though I've had very satisfying results from accepting the reality of social hierarchies and adjusting my expectations (and performance) accordingly.

Harsh? Not really. You're seeking some form of compromise. You're doing a lot of bending for him. Phones are a royal pain in the butt, but they can be left off and only turned on long enough to check messages, much in the same sense as a standard computer or answering machine. At the very least, he could go to your house or something and accompany you on your day so he's easier to get in touch with. Er, smell permitting.

Sounds like she's the one with issues. As in, no understanding of healthy adult boundaries. Just dropping by unannounced? Jeeesh! Glad you put a stop to that.

She's got a looooot of issues. And refuses to acknowledge any of them and instead puts the blame off on everybody else. I completely understand if your friend has a similar responsibility level in regards to his scent. That is a very frustrating kind of person to talk to, and don't quite grasp the quote of "if you don't like the answer, don't ask the question".

 

[Jacob Morrison]

Cell phones are by far the greatest invention of this generation. So much faster and efficient compared to their predecessors.