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How much does Aspergers effect your relationships?

Jessica

Jessica

Well-Known Member
I'm 16 and I've never been in a relationship, whenever a guy is interested and makes advances on me I always have a mini breakdown, I can't stand people touching me or giving me eye-contact it makes me feel sick. Even if I really like someone I can't bare to be close to them, plus I always end up picking faults until I feel utterly repulsed by them. Does anyone else have the same problem? If not how do you cope with relationship and is it possible for aspies to find love?
 
Sadly, no advice here as i do not have AS but have a little daughter who does.
I just wanted to reply to offer you some hugs! *hugs* I'm sorry this is becoming an issue for you, hopefully you can get some advice here
 
Jessica said:
I'm 16 and I've never been in a relationship, whenever a guy is interested and makes advances on me I always have a mini breakdown, I can't stand people touching me or giving me eye-contact it makes me feel sick. Even if I really like someone I can't bare to be close to them, plus I always end up picking faults until I feel utterly repulsed by them. Does anyone else have the same problem? If not how do you cope with relationship and is it possible for aspies to find love?
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Its hard having a relationship at any age. I have some of the same issues Jessica. Mostly about the sensory stuff and eye contact with people. I find though with a little small doses practice that I can work up to more comfortabilty with someone. I think we can find Love but maybe its not in the same way that others do. I don't know I haven't found that perfect someone yet. Take it slow would be my advice if they are worth it they'll be patient with you.
 
Aw Thanks MumToA&D :)

Um yeah Arashi222 it's nice to hear I'm not the only one who feels like this, It's also kinda sad. I suppose I'm scared that I'll never be that comfortable with other people, I suppose I'll just have to try my best. You're right if they are worth it they will understand and be patient, however I would hate myself if someone liked me that much and I changed my mind about them or something. Oh well maybe I'll study some relationship advice books haha, Thank you!
 
I've always been terrible at eye contact for the first 6 months we were together I couldn't look my husband in the eyes for more then a few seconds. The longer we were together the better I got at it and now I can look him in the eyes for ages without feeling too weird.

I met my husband online which took away alot of the awkward social side of things, we were friends first just exchanging emails and then it just sort of developed. He is very understanding and knows I'm not a very affectionate person, he's very good with my strange little ways, like if he accidentally lightly touches my arm or something he knows he has to grip my wrists tightly so I feel 'right' again. When I'm having vocal outbursts he goes along with it and makes it into a bit of a joke and we have a laugh about it. Or if I'm having a meltdown he knows to just leave me to it and not bother me for an hour or so. Or if I can't face going somewhere because I'm having a bad day or the sensory aspect of it is just too much for me he doesn't nag me to go or complain he just gets on with it. He knows not to touch me over my clothes, it has to be firm skin contact.

Anyway my point is that yes it's possible for Aspie's to find love, we've been married almost 8 years, have a daughter together and are best friends, you just have to find the right person for you who will be understanding and not judgemental.
 
Effect? I don't know if it really effects it that much. My girlfriend knew beforehand what she was getting into and she's fine with it. Yes, sometimes we stumble upon things where I'm like "we've went over this a few times, why didn't you keep that in mind?". But that usually ends up in "Oh yeah, my bad". Add in that my girlfriend at least has PDD-NOS, but could just as well get an ASD-label.

Most of the time we're quite in line with each other in the sense that we try to give a heads-up way ahead of time when one of us wants to go somewhere, has plans, stuff like that and we'll talk through if we'll go together and such. Quite often there's also things like going out for something to eat and either me or my girlfriend will be like "it's way to busy here can we leave after you're done", which ain't a problem either.

Another thing; I do have a long-distance-ish thing going on. She lives about 100 miles from me, so we see each other once a week (or once every 2 weeks), which gives us both enough room to do pursue personal interests and hobby's. She doesn't mind taking the train, and I in general don't either. I'm not to keen on sleeping somewhere which is NOT my bed, so she'll usually spend the night at my place.

The only thing I kinda have going on, is that I don't want to chat for the sake of chatting, so it might be that I rather just not talk to her (or just slightly through texting) on some days. It has nothing to do with me not caring for her, but more that I don't like to do things "just for the sake of doing it". And sometimes I don't really feel that I want to "cuddle" with her, so I kinda make it brief without pushing her away briefly... but I'll tell her that I'm not really in the mood for it. Thus far she understands it, and I kinda look into that she doesn't stumble onto issues with me.

However... yeah, in the past I've had some issues with relationships. At some point I really had to try hard to keep liking my partner over the "faults" I saw in them. I never really expressed that they were flawed and such... thought it was kinda blunt. But I tried to work around them and make the best out of it. With that might come a bit of "acceptance". No one is perfect. It's a 2 way thing, people might just as well tell you "X annoys me". If everyone would throw in the towel over small things, I can see a lot of people breaking up over and over again.

Besides; I always feel that taking your time before diving into a relationship (or even hooking up with someone as in dating) can take time. I've known people for over 1,5 years before I actually hooked up with them, while others I got into in 3 months.
 
Jessica said:
I'm 16 and I've never been in a relationship, whenever a guy is interested and makes advances on me I always have a mini breakdown, I can't stand people touching me or giving me eye-contact it makes me feel sick. Even if I really like someone I can't bare to be close to them, plus I always end up picking faults until I feel utterly repulsed by them. Does anyone else have the same problem? If not how do you cope with relationship and is it possible for aspies to find love?
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I don't really have a big problem with eye contact with my girlfriend. I do, however, not like making eye contact with just about anybody else. It is very uncomfortable. My girlfriend accepts me for who I am, in all of my weirdness, and that is why I think eye contact is so easy with her. I know that I can trust her. The biggest problem that AS presents in our relationship is fights and other smaller things. Whenever we get into an argument or she says something that I know is incorrect, I have to argue about it. I have a really big problem with letting things (that I know are incorrect) go by without notice. I also am not very good at losing an argument for that matter either. Also, my girlfriend uses a lot of sarcasm. I am starting to pick up on it a lot more now, but when we first started going out I got offended a lot because I didn't realize she was just joking. Sometimes she will sit there and use a combination of sarcasm and incorrect information to start an argument with me. I look over and she's smiling because she thinks it is funny that I get so worked up about stupid little things. I would agree with the fact that it is funny, but only after I have found out that she was only fooling around with me.
 
I never had problem with eye contact, and usually things start out ok for me. But my motto has always been "the more you get to know me, the more you get to hate me", because that's what usually happens for me. I wind up with very very few friends. I'm 26 and have only had one relationship for three days (she cheated on me) and I had several long-distance relationships.

I've kind of given up on ever trying to make friends beyond what I have (the Aspergers' group I'm in being my last attempt at doing so) and in some ways even though I do get lonely and cry myself to sleep a lot at times because I've never been in a relationship, never been loved, not even by my parents, there is one positive I've had to it all, and that is nobody using me as a meal ticket and putting all the hard work I've done in my life to vain. I wouldn't have cared about that part much if I was actually loved when I was younger, but now, it's like I've just started growing cold of people and their emotions, and the older I get, the more numb I am to those emotions.
 
I think the dating problems of male and female aspies are different. Among all people, men are expected to show initiative while women judge them (actually most animals do this too). And aspie guys are apt to be too honest, and be unable to read the girl, and just generally seem weird.
As for people irritating you, my irritability went way down after I started taking zoloft. You can't use it now, it's contraindicated in teens. But keep it in mind.
 
Aspergers can have negative effects on relationships but positive ones too. I've been with my wife for 18 years now and we still have occasional difficulties because we think differently. While I've made great efforts to bridge the gap it doesn't always help. For example my wife can get quite angry at times and say horribly mean things that she says later she didn't mean and I would never dream of saying such things because I typically only say what I mean (though it may be mis-interpreted). This has an effect on me that I can't get over... once the angry yelling starts I become withdrawn and stay that way for a week or more... which just escalates matters. I try to understand why she does it.. and I think I do.. but it doesn't help with being shut down for awhile. Yes it is possible to find love but it isn't easy to bond (at least it wasn't for me).

If you're put off by people making advances on you; try turning the tables and be the one choosing them instead. You're 16 and a girl so a bit of distance is wise; have a relationship on your terms :)
 
A lot of the time I believe that Asperger's is soley to blame for my lack of long-lasting relationships. Its not so much the eye contact and touching(which I dislike) that are a big deal, it's my lack of interest in being with people most of the time. If I could choose how to spend my afternoon, I would always opt for solitary activities rather than being with someone else.

I think my condition has caused me to struggle greatly with relationships, and its even harder to deal with when no one around you understands.
 
There are some books about relationships and aspies, and aspergirls is a really good book about asperger's in females and adressess the issue of relationships. I would say yes we can have relationships, but we need a partner who supports and understands us. Who can appreciate our quirks not just put up with them. Because of the social issue, isn't uncommon for aspies to start relationships a bit later than neurotypicals, try not to worry about that, spend this time working on your education, and developing your interests. If you have friends focus on that type of relationship. In my opinion friendships are alot like romantic relationships especially when you are young and don't live together. Sometimes we start relationships before we are ready because we think that we are supposed to, we are lead to believe that if we don't there is something wrong with us, or that we will end up alone if we don't. But rushing into it, we can end up in unhealthy relationships. But as aspies we may not be ready when nt's seem to be, and that's ok. There are alot of other worthwhile things you can focus on. And the better you understand yourself and develop your own interests, the more stable you will be as a partner later.
 
just be careful of what you read. When me and my husband found out about the aspergers we found a lengthy research paper on aspergers people in relationships which was very negative. It majorly upset my husband and I was afraid he would leave me because the article basically said there was no chance for us. It took him a couple days to calm down and realize that what I was before we found out was still the same and that one person's negative opinions can't destroy what is a good relationship.

I think aspies are lucky in that it usually takes them a bit to realize that someone likes them so usually they only get the really interested ones sticking around.

A neutral place like the internet can also work better as there is not a lot of pressure to get physical fast which I think is probably one of our down falls as a lot relationships are very physical fast now days. I'm highly sensitive to touch for instance so I can imagine what your going through!!
 
I've always had issues with relationships. I've only had 2 "real" relationships - the first one lasted 7 years and I married the 2nd.

My face stays very much the same most of the time unless I consciously decide to make it look a certain way, making it difficult for men to discern whether I'm interested or not. I find it hard to initiate conversation as well, or make out signals. So basically a guy has to hit me over the head with a baseball bat for any type of discourse to begin. Not literally, but yeah. It takes a very straight-forward, outgoing man to get my attention.

Then once a relationship actually begins, there's a whole other load of problems. I can't initiate sex, I don't show much affection (that started after I hugged my first boyfriend and he told me to "quit being so clingy"), I'm horribly embarrassed if I use a pet name (my husband likes when I call him honey or babe, but it feels wrong to me), and I can't tell what he wants/needs unless he makes it unmistakably clear.

Now that we know what my problem is, it's made things easier, but it still takes a lot of work.
 
I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 19, so don't rush it because your friends are dating. Take your time. I only dated guys that were labelled as "odd". Not that that was a priority, but that is who I was drawn to. People who are quirky themselves tend to be less judgmental of other people's eccentricities. Any issues that I have had in marriage revolve around my anti-social tendencies, need for privacy, and "indifference." Gender stereotypes dictate that women are warm and nurturing all the time, so sometimes my husband sees me as "cold" because I don't swoon over every baby or write thank you cards to family members. But overall, we have a sympathetic relationship, and understand each other.
 
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I feel it would be a lot easier to be girl with Asperger's, at least relationship-wise. Most of the time, they just wait for they guy to ask them, while the guy has to somehow figure out how to muster up the courage to ask a girl out without seeming awkward.
 
Asperger's is the reason why I have few (if any) friends. I do not like to talk much and have trouble with the rhythm of conversation, making the ordinary give-and-take of conversation and friendship very awkward. In fact, I have so much trouble with conversation that I avoid talking on the phone whenever possible. Thank goodness for texting.

I have, however, had several long-lasting romantic relationships over the course of my life, for which I am grateful. I guess if someone comes to love me, they are aware of my deficiencies and are willing to accept me as I am.
 
buckyboy14 said:
I feel it would be a lot easier to be girl with Asperger's, at least relationship-wise. Most of the time, they just wait for they guy to ask them, while the guy has to somehow figure out how to muster up the courage to ask a girl out without seeming awkward.
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As a lady aspie I'd generally agree, it seems like many of the social differences such as shyness and inability to read cues are tolerated or overlooked a lot more in girls, so it's not as noticeable that we're different. Works well in beginning dating, not so well in other areas of life. Oh well.
 
Bay said:
In fact, I have so much trouble with conversation that I avoid talking on the phone whenever possible. Thank goodness for texting.
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I am the exact same way and it drives my husband nuts that I won't just pick up the phone and call someone instead of texting for hours. He's pretty much the only person I'm comfortable talking on the phone with. I hate those awkward pauses where I don't know if it's my turn and when I finally decide to say something, the other person starts talking again at the same time.
 
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