How much does Aspergers effect your relationships?

[Biblio-Love]

I am the exact same way and it drives my husband nuts that I won't just pick up the phone and call someone instead of texting for hours. He's pretty much the only person I'm comfortable talking on the phone with. I hate those awkward pauses where I don't know if it's my turn and when I finally decide to say something, the other person starts talking again at the same time.

I do the same. I mostly text and email. So much easier. Even with my husband, texting is simpler. It relays the information that needs to be relayed, without any awkwardness. I do talk with him for hours sometimes, but I am usually rambling on about books or authors, and he just nods his head every now and then.

 

[Butterfly_Lady]

when i was young I had a hard time with eye contact but thanks to my mom, I learned to teach myself that NT's expect eye contact even if you just met them. It was usually when i was in trouble but my mom would always say "LOOK AT ME!" have someone say that to you enough (it was said to me A LOT) and you find a way to teach yourself that when talking to NT's that is always what they expect even if you just met them, so now i don't have the eye contact problem (and that is one reason why a few people deny that i might be an aspie) I do have the contact problem, atleast with strangers unless i purposely stretch my hand out knowing the other person is expecting a hand shake or hug (like "greeting time" at church) the main time i have the contact problem is if someone touches me or bushes up against me when i am not expecting it, in a line at the store, sitting in a waiting room, or something along those lines. I too have had problems with relationships. most of the guys i "meet" that i like are not local and I had met them online, which only makes things harder to sustain said "relationship." I don't have any advice for you to help you (especially since i have relationship problems too) but I do hope that you can learn ways to cope and finally meet "Mr. Right."

 

[Cerulean]

Right now it's ruining mine. Apparently I say things that are rude or inappropriate and make people mad but my husband won't correct me on the spot. Instead he'll wait until he has a bunch of other ammo to use against me and then explode at me for doing all this stuff wrong. I told him, you have to correct me when I do something, I have no idea what I'm doing is wrong. He's worried about what other people think. Apparently it's better for them to hate me than think he's controlling. And I'm supposed to just know this automatically! Pisses me off. I told him either correct me when I do it or suck it up and get over it, because it's not something I'm intentionally doing that I can just stop.

 

[SallySlips]

Right now it's ruining mine. Apparently I say things that are rude or inappropriate and make people mad but my husband won't correct me on the spot. Instead he'll wait until he has a bunch of other ammo to use against me and then explode at me for doing all this stuff wrong. I told him, you have to correct me when I do something, I have no idea what I'm doing is wrong. He's worried about what other people think. Apparently it's better for them to hate me than think he's controlling. And I'm supposed to just know this automatically! Pisses me off. I told him either correct me when I do it or suck it up and get over it, because it's not something I'm intentionally doing that I can just stop.

I had this problem with my husband. Exact same thing. I didn't know I was being rude and he felt awkward correcting me when it happened so he'd wait until we were alone and it was too late to fix it. We started using a code word. When I do or say something out of line, he says "Oklahoma" and I know I need to think about what I just said. I get the chance to figure it out on my own, and if I can't then he tells me what went wrong. It's definitely worth a try and it might save your relationship.

 

[Bay]

I had this problem with my husband. Exact same thing. I didn't know I was being rude and he felt awkward correcting me when it happened so he'd wait until we were alone and it was too late to fix it. We started using a code word. When I do or say something out of line, he says "Oklahoma" and I know I need to think about what I just said. I get the chance to figure it out on my own, and if I can't then he tells me what went wrong. It's definitely worth a try and it might save your relationship.

This is a theme in our relationship too. When I am doing it, I always THINK that I am being friendly. My partner has promised many times that she would help me out in such circumstances. Our code word is "Apple-tini" but she never remembers to use it in the moment because she is too taken aback by my seeming rudeness. Maybe we need another code word?

 

[Cerulean]

Thank you guys for the code word suggestion! I'll see if that's something he'll do with me. Now which word to use, rhinoceros or chimichanga. Hmmm.

 

[NeverEnder]

Yes, I tend to ramble and say inappropriate things to a degree. I am usually interrupted as a way of "showing me" this-- And, that just pisses me off at the person. They explain they are just trying to "help" me but it usually just causes me to overreact towards them. This happened recently and it just made me mad.

 

[Biblio-Love]

I get told "well that was rude" a lot by my husband. And it makes me angry really. I hate when he corrects me that way. I think that people shouldn't ask for my opinion if they don't really want to hear it. I don't think I am rude or lack compassion. I am honest. Their problem, not mine.

 

[SallySlips]

My husband used to "show me" the correct way to do or say something and it would make me angry too because it seemed condescending. With the code word though, it's just one word so there's not a chance for me to be offended by it.

 

[anne.bc]

Well, like I said in my "intro" post, I have reason to suspect my NT fiance actually has AS as well. However, looking at this with the perspective where he's an NT, he has helped me with many of my aspie flaws in the past 6 years, even if I didn't want to correct them. He's had his frustrations with me, but I have also had my frustrations with him where I just wanted to ask "BUT WHY???". With inner growth came maturity and we helped each other with that throughout college. I'm actually planning on covering a lot of this in my book on living with Asperger's Syndrome.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's not really much of an issue with him. We work our way around it, and BOY he has learned so much about AS because of me. He didn't even know about it until shortly after we met in the marching band.

By the way, he was getting sick and tired of my Aspie meltdowns, so I made an effort to not have them anymore. I've been "accident free" since late September 2012. I have no clue how it's possible, but I think part of it is motivation-related because I'm a high-functioning case. :spin:

 

[Mark_D]

Jessica, speaking as a man, a father of a daughter, and an Aspie, my advice may also be the most difficult. When a guy makes advances and is chatting you up, you need to be honest with him right away. Let him know that you would like to try to be friends but that you're not interested in anything more. If he is attempting to 'score', he'll move on to easier prey. If he actually likes you he will either feel rejected and cease his advances, which means he's too sensitive to be a good partner for an Aspie, or he will let you know it's okay and keep being friendly. If the last one is the case you have begun a relationship whose characteristics will be defined as time passes.

Good luck, and don't be afraid to tell someone if a guy is too pushy or gets out of line. If you can tell your Dad, do that. We hate for someone to mess with our little girl. If that's not an option, tell a female teacher first and Mom later. Don't let some butthead guy get away with making you feel uncomfortable.

 

[Ste11aeres]

There is exactly one adult person I like touching me, and who I enjoy making eye contact with. (small children are different; I don't mind holding them or being touched by them.) So even if you dislike those things with most people, there still might be that one person with whom it will be okay.

Mark-D (poster right above) your advice is very good, and it is important for us aspie girls to hear the type of things you are saying. I have myself had trouble knowing what to do when a guy was acting inappropriately, and in one case, an older fatherly man who I knew helped me out in that kind of situation. Having people you can trust and can turn to, is important.

 

[Suki]

Excellent advice and very insightful Mark D.! I would imagine this would also be good advice for a male Aspie considering a relationship with a female NT with regards to sensitivity? Are there any Aspies out there involved with a sensitive male or female that has been successful with their relationship? Any advice?

 

[nowwhat]

I, too have this problem with picking up on peoples' faults and becoming really annoyed with, even those I love. I'm lately very aware of it in all areas of my life. Socail, romantic, and professional. I'm pretty disgusted with myself for writing off and avoiding people who realy want to be my friend or work with me because after a few hours I basically can't stand them anymore. Not that I'm judging them, or calling them on anything. Even knowing I'm being unreasonable and probably wrong, I just lose the ability to tolerate them after a while, and either remove myself, or start dodging them. I think it's an AS thing, to a large extent. Yes, we can find love, but it is difficult and there are fewer people with whom we can have a lasting relationship. Possible, tho. W'e're all different, and some may have to adapt more, or meet more prospective partners, and suffer more disappointment, embarrasment and heartbreak before getting something that works. No one can say what your furure holds, but courage, mental toughness, love for others (genuing caring, not slick social ritual), and a sense of humor will better your results. Failing makes your smarter and tougher. Comparing ourselves to others makes us feel like crap. At least you have people here who understand you, to balance all those you will deal with everyday and get you completely wrong.

 

[Spinning Compass]

To go back to the original question. First, not to be picky, but I believe the word you wanted to use was "affect," not "effect". There is a difference between the two. "Affect" means, well, to affect, to work upon, to influence. "Effect" means to facilitate, to make possible, to put into force. The two words are very commonly confused. If indeed you were asking "How much does Aspergers effect your relationships", you would be asking "What does Aspergers do to make your relationships possible," and I don't think that's the case here. What you want to know is what influence does Aspergers have on your relationships so in that case the correct word is "affect." Ok. End of English lesson.

In my case Aspergers has negatively affected my relationships. It has certainly not effected them (I wish it did because then I would have relationships!). It has done so in several ways. First of all, the Asperger's itself, with the inability to read/understand people (although that can improve with age). Secondly, the cruelty I have experienced from others as a result of Aspergers also makes it very difficult to establish trust. I have learned that predators are very good at spotting people like us even if they don't know that the differences they perceive are a result of Aspergers/autism, and I believe that may be one of the reasons that I experienced more unwelcome sexual advances than my non-autistic peers. They thought that they had an easy mark and they went for it.

As of now I am not in any relationships, have never been in any relationships (only sporadic dating episodes that almost invariably involved the other person demanding sex right off the bat), and am not seeking any relationships. Love is a distant dream for me.

 

[code-e]

Well considering im 18, and have never had a gf, and many teens my age have already been in multiple relationships, I think having Aspergers is one of the reasons that im single. I think that being shy and generally not talking very much around girls is also a major reason i'm still single.

Don't believe anything when you hear people say that girls like shy guys. Most of the time that's not true. If you want a girl to like you, you have to at least be able to talk to her. Until I can break out of my comfort zone, I have a feeling I will be single until then.

 

[nervy]

I think the big chunks of time where an aspie is unsure of how things are in a relationship - every relationship has uncertainty - can affect it negatively, from their end of things. Needs both people to understand that.

 

[Max]

It was (and to a degree still is) incredibly difficult for me to find a girlfriend as I would get incredibly nervous, awkward, and tongue-tied around women I was attracted to. I'd fail to make eye contact, fidget, never know when it was "my turn" to talk, etc.

Finally, when I was 23 I eventually met a girl on the dance floor of all places; she liked my hyperactive hand-flapping dancing, and I offered to walk her home. I got her number at the door, and we were together for 19 amazing months.

She helped me a lot at becoming more comfortable with close contact; at one time in my life I thought I'd never even be able to kiss someone comfortably, but with her I even managed to make love without freaking out, something I thought would be impossible.

 

[ghoulbler]

I've been told that I'm very mean. I tend to say things without thinking. My biggest issue is being very rude without realizing it.
I like to spend a good majority of the time alone, and I don't like speaking unless I need to. I'm usually more wrapped up in my obsessions, which leaves a tiny amount of time for the necessities, and an even tinier amount of time for relationships of any kind.
I am not very sensitive or romantic. I'm very honest and blunt. I'm either really hyperactive and childish or really withdrawn and serious. I'm either really into the idea of sex or it completely turns me off. I guess I'm just a very extreme person, I'm very bad at taking care of myself and those around me, and I can't seem to honestly care about other people no matter how long I've known them.
I'd love to be in a relationship but I just don't seem like the type of person that should be in one.