How NTs see Aspies

[Mark_D]

Audra, the most important thing you said in my opinion is that you use "I feel" statements. You have no idea how big of a deal that is. "I feel..." leaves room for talking and listening whereas "You always do xxx" is a statement of fact. A fact can be disputed and almost certainly will be when the receiver of that statement feels unjustly accused.

Judging solely on how you responded to my post tells me that you are doing things the right way, at least in my opinion. I like your approach and only wish there were more people like you, willing to approach the problem in a systematic and caring way.

If things don't get better, at least you will know you did what you could. I hope things do work out for you, but if not you deserve to trade up.

 

[Loomis]

The list is bogus. We are a very diverse group of people and the problems a NT will have living with one of us depends on the aspie, the Nt and the dynamics of their relationship. Some of the stuff on the list may be true or not. As far as I am concerned the list is without merit.

 

[Loomis]

I looked at the site and found this:

"...there are anecdotal reports of stalking, intimidation, manipulation of children, and domestic violence. There is an added danger that in such situations men may appear to be calm, in control, and shocked to be accused of abusive behaviour."

This statement is quite self-serving and when you analyze it says nothing. If you preface a statement with "there are anecdotal reports" what follows is pure conjecture with zero validity. It is possible to find anecdotal reports of virtually any behavior for any category of human being.

 

[Loomis]

Quoting further from the site: The Bottom Line

"There is no 13.
If there was, 13 it would be: give it up before you get involved. Trouble is: there is not enough truthful information out there to warn you about the condition in advance.

Anon 2013"

Just to put it simply - I am aghast at the negativity I saw on this list and on other pages on that site.

Here's a piece from the About Us:

"Neurotypicals are defined as having reached the normal developmental milestones which people achieve as they progress through life. Educationalists use these developmental stages as a basis for producing curriculum documents and making their classroom activities relevant to the ages and stages of their students. These developmental stages cover social, emotional, intellectual, biological and mental areas. They are well documented and completely accepted by science, medicine, law and education.

Autism Spectrum Disorders (including Asperger's Syndrome) are characterised (sic) by a failure to achieve many of these essential developmental milestones."

It's just angry site. A very angry site. >

You are right and why is the list authored by anonymous? Perhaps the author is ashamed to own it.

 

[rhubarbo]

You are right and why is the list authored by anonymous? Perhaps the author is ashamed to own it.

And really ought to be.

 

[Mark_D]

The list is definitely bogus, but that's how they see us. I hear about it all the time. It just sucks, is all.

 

[GoldenRatio]

This is a great share Mark. I think I am going to ask my wife to type a letter for me to share with her experiences so far. Am I in delusional to think that she will not be my caregiver, or has been? I do not want to let arrogance cloud my judgement but, I have a hard time finding that the list you posted is the only option facing an NT partner. My wife had read somewhere that male Aspie's tend to gravitate toward extrovert female/male NT partners, as a means of social compensation. My wife is a massive extrovert, so reflecting back on our relationship, what she read holds true for us. She is everything socially I would love to be. Tonight we had a deep conversation about the whole diagnosis and she confided in me that she felt she was put last in our family, and has not been able to express how she feels. Logically I can understand why she would feel that way, but internally I get upset at her. I feel horrible saying it but feel the truth about it is more beneficial for everyone. I do not want to change who I am now at all. However, I do not want my wife to feel like she is a full time nanny either. That doesn't seem fair to her. Maybe I am giving myself too much credit here. Now I am only confusing myself, lol.

 

[Ylva]

If you're an Aspie involved with an NT, have you been told what they think of being around you? This was shown to me by an NT to 'share with me' how my condition affects her. I had a very negative reaction to this and I'm interested to hear how other Aspies feel about this.View attachment 5054

That wasn't the least bit scientific or objective. That was written by someone who is bitter and vengeful and probably was in a relationship with a narcissist, not a "pure" Aspie.

 

[Ylva]

My thoughts exactly. I have yet to meet a perfect person. Anyone who has been to couple's therapy or has any management training or even a behavioral psych class understands that there are two people involved in communication. Likewise there are two people in any relationship. I'm pretty close to certain that no troubled relationship is solely the fault of one member of the couple.

That list upsets me because it is all about faults belonging to the Aspie. Don't people realize that sometimes these behaviors are made much worse by putting the Aspie in situations that are known to upset him or stress him out? I had a huge blowup last night because I was in a stressful situation, made it known that I was uncomfortable and was told to "just ignore it". After quite some time of seemingly being in control of myself, something happened that caused me to come totally unhinged.

Yes, the eventual behavior is totally wrong, but everyone has a breaking point and not bothering to understand only makes things worse.

How would an NT feel if They sat on a chair with a tack in it and was told to just ignore it? When that discomfort grew and grew until a seemingly minor thing made them totally go ape the only reaction they got was for the other person to say how awful and abusive they are. Never mind the tack in the butt.

This treatment is actually a very effective form of torture used for a very long time. I have heard this type of treatment referred to as tough love. THIS IS NOT AN ACT OF LOVE! We are not children testing boundaries with our parents, for goodness' sake.

There are very, very few things we do that NTs don't do. Our main crime is coming off as odd in their eyes and responding to their treatment of us as stupid or weird. NTs aren't exactly empathetic, themselves ? not nearly as much as many Aspies I have seen ? and it's not like they wouldn't respond in a similar way to similar treatment. Yes, we are more sensitive. We are trying our hardest to adapt. It would be much easier to do so with less social pressure to do so ? I know NTs think it is motivating, but it is really the opposite. That one doesn't even look like a paradox to me; if you try too hard to do something, you trip over your feet.

I swear, if I had a Point Of View gun, I would zap NTs with it until they learned the meaning of this empathy they so pride themselves on.

 

[Ylva]

What has happened is many people got involved and the partner was diagnosed while they were married. The other partner then thinks well things will never change and just give up rather than being glad that things are explained and trying harder to communicate

I had this at first, but it passed.

I was like, "Aha! So there is a reason I am different, and it turns out I have every right to be." I was cursing my childhood bullies and my parents' demand that I conform and everyone who ever caused me pain over being different for a couple of months. I gradually realised ? knew all along, really, but wasn't quite ready to make use of the knowledge ? that I can't live like this, I have to move on and learn and keep adapting? or, maybe I have to start over again with adapting, seeing as I have come at it from a wrong angle for years.

I don't think I am much worse than non-Aspies now. I get cranky when I am hungry, for instance, and I have an untreated eating disorder so I often am hungry, but not more so than your average hungry NT. I could add more examples, but might come off as self-centred.

Good luck with your husband.

 

[Mark_D]

This is a great share Mark. I think I am going to ask my wife to type a letter for me to share with her experiences so far. Am I in delusional to think that she will not be my caregiver, or has been? I do not want to let arrogance cloud my judgement but, I have a hard time finding that the list you posted is the only option facing an NT partner. My wife had read somewhere that male Aspie's tend to gravitate toward extrovert female/male NT partners, as a means of social compensation. My wife is a massive extrovert, so reflecting back on our relationship, what she read holds true for us. She is everything socially I would love to be. Tonight we had a deep conversation about the whole diagnosis and she confided in me that she felt she was put last in our family, and has not been able to express how she feels. Logically I can understand why she would feel that way, but internally I get upset at her. I feel horrible saying it but feel the truth about it is more beneficial for everyone. I do not want to change who I am now at all. However, I do not want my wife to feel like she is a full time nanny either. That doesn't seem fair to her. Maybe I am giving myself too much credit here. Now I am only confusing myself, lol.

You don't need a babysitter any more than I do. Lots of us are told that we need adult supervision as if we're unable to keep ourselves from peeing on the furniture or something if we're not watched 24/7. If your partner claims that he/she is always last in the family you are not alone. That's very common. Those people are thinking of us as children, and that they have to be responsible for everyone in the household. They think they have to take care of everyone else and there is no one to take care of them.

Don't for a minute buy into that mess that we're told. Apparently lots of us are told that kind of thing by the very people we had let ourselves be vulnerable to. All of us on here can read and write and count. We know better than to touch the hot stove or drink the colorful liquids under the kitchen sink. That caregiver stuff is their issue and they need to re-think things in my opinion.

GoldenRatio, you are not a burden on anyone. I don't know your personal difficulties with AS symptoms but you're obviously an intelligent person. Please don't allow someone to make you feel guilty. Many times people who are extremely extroverted are that way because they're desperate for attention. If a person like us is noticed, that subtracts from the attention available to them. They feel cheated and get upset. They need to address their own egocentricity (is that a word?) if they want to feel better, not blame others. I know this because I'm married to someone like that.

 

[GoldenRatio]

You don't need a babysitter any more than I do. Lots of us are told that we need adult supervision as if we're unable to keep ourselves from peeing on the furniture or something if we're not watched 24/7. If your partner claims that he/she is always last in the family you are not alone. That's very common. Those people are thinking of us as children, and that they have to be responsible for everyone in the household. They think they have to take care of everyone else and there is no one to take care of them.

Don't for a minute buy into that mess that we're told. Apparently lots of us are told that kind of thing by the very people we had let ourselves be vulnerable to. All of us on here can read and write and count. We know better than to touch the hot stove or drink the colorful liquids under the kitchen sink. That caregiver stuff is their issue and they need to re-think things in my opinion.

GoldenRatio, you are not a burden on anyone. I don't know your personal difficulties with AS symptoms but you're obviously an intelligent person. Please don't allow someone to make you feel guilty. Many times people who are extremely extroverted are that way because they're desperate for attention. If a person like us is noticed, that subtracts from the attention available to them. They feel cheated and get upset. They need to address their own egocentricity (is that a word?) if they want to feel better, not blame others. I know this because I'm married to someone like that.

I really appreciate the words of support. I also appreciate the visual descriptions! I actually pictured myself pissing on the couch because my wife left the room hahaha. I don't feel I need a caregiver, nor have ever required one. I guess my lack of confidence, in this situation, stems from the fact that I am just finally learning who I am. You absolutely (at least to me) hit the nail on the head with an extrovert wife. Given that I am introverted, I shut down when she unleashes the emotional side. Why can't we just have this one moment, you know? Extremely exhausting.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I really appreciate the words of support. I also appreciate the visual descriptions! I actually pictured myself pissing on the couch because my wife left the room hahaha. I don't feel I need a caregiver, nor have ever required one. I guess my lack of confidence, in this situation, stems from the fact that I am just finally learning who I am. You absolutely (at least to me) hit the nail on the head with an extrovert wife. Given that I am introverted, I shut down when she unleashes the emotional side. Why can't we just have this one moment, you know? Extremely exhausting.

It's not just AS/NT but introvert/extrovert, or, rather ASintrovert/Ntextrovert. WOw!! :bruised:

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

I was married for 13 years and we were both undiagnosed Aspies. We lived together for 2 years prior to our marriage. I think it would be fair to say we both walked away with several of those opinions of the other person. I certainly cared about my husband in the early years, although in hindsight I can see how he may have perceived things differently. At the time of our separation I felt that he did not care for me, nor had he cared for some time, but in hindsight I can understand that he quite possibly did care but just didn't show it in a way that had any meaning for me. From now on, I will not have a relationship with a person with AS unless they are aware of it and they are doing something to address the relationship problems. There are Aspies living quite happily in long term relationships, so it is possible. But a relationship could be rather miserable if AS was present and unrecognised. I cannot go through a repeat of my marriage again.

 

[Butterfly_Lady]

I was married for 13 years and we were both undiagnosed Aspies. We lived together for 2 years prior to our marriage. I think it would be fair to say we both walked away with several of those opinions of the other person. I certainly cared about my husband in the early years, although in hindsight I can see how he may have perceived things differently. At the time of our separation I felt that he did not care for me, nor had he cared for some time, but in hindsight I can understand that he quite possibly did care but just didn't show it in a way that had any meaning for me. From now on, I will not have a relationship with a person with AS unless they are aware of it and they are doing something to address the relationship problems. There are Aspies living quite happily in long term relationships, so it is possible. But a relationship could be rather miserable if AS was present and unrecognised. I cannot go through a repeat of my marriage again.

I can understand you wouldn't want to go through that again. I wouldn't either for sure. I wish you luck in future relationships


What that page says about NT's and Aspies outrages me! I mean this person cannot be serious. they certainly have issues they need to seek help for with the views they have of both NT's and Aspies (especially their view of Aspies) I don't even know where to begin with this one but I do agree there have been some very good points made here. I will leave it at that for now.