How to approach Aspie after he retreats into shell

[Isabel]

Thank you once again for your replies.

MicroWeiss, i agree with you that I need to let him go if she shuts me out again. That actually happened much faster than expected - the same night I wrote my last message. He wrote me an email in which he basically confirmed what I already suspected - that he thinks I want more time with him which he cannot give me. That he thinks I am more emotionally involved at this point than he is and that he thinks this is a big problem for me. That basically he fears he cannot give me what I need right now so he decided to end it.

I would have preferred that he had talked to me about this, because I don't feel the same way about things - I know he is busy and have been trying to give him all the space in the world. I understand how important work is for him and want him to succeed. I knew that he couldn't spend more time with me and also never asked for more time. I also don't think that it is a problem that he takes longer to emotionally engage. The gift of his to give me 150% of his attention whenever we see each other makes up for it completely

Anyway, its his choice in the end and I have to accept that. I wanted to make sure there were no misunderstandings - that I had a chance to tell him that I think he is a fantastic man, that I was willing to try being together with him eventhough I knew that work was his priority etc. I managed to do that so I feel a lot better about the whole thing.

All in all, I learned at lot, also thanks to this forum! I feel better prepared for the world out there now

Thank you all once again for your support, help and warmth!

 

[Judge]

I wanted to make sure there were no misunderstandings - that I had a chance to tell him that I think he is a fantastic man, that I was willing to try being together with him eventhough I knew that work was his priority etc. I managed to do that so I feel a lot better about the whole thing.

Well done. Hope it all works out for you- and him.

 

[Isabel]

Sadly it wont. He was very clear about that. But at least that gives me closure.

 

[Judge]

Sadly it wont. He was very clear about that. But at least that gives me closure.

True, but it gives him something to think about- when he eventually finds the time. You never know. At the moment he may simply be on overload...where he's forced to exclusively deal with work and little else.

Multitasking doesn't come easy for us when having to balance intense demands of both work and emotions at the same time. But the equation may change in the future, where that balance shifts enough for him to rethink it all...

 

[MicroWeiss]

Hey sorry to hear that he's ending it. I think you did well in getting the closure that you needed, and hope it doesn't hurt too much. Guys don't always try to let you down softly, but trust me, it's not a reflection on you. Keep believing that you'll find a great relationship with someone who is ready and willing to make time for you.

 

[Greg]

- Can I contact him again and ask specifically to meet and talk this weekend? He seems to do better with explicit questions and timeframes then open statements like "I want to see you and talk"
I would try to contact him again and see if you could get through to him. If you feel strongly about it then go through with your feelings.

- If I can contact him, how should i do it? How can I make sure I don't make him feel cornered?
I would try to contact him over the phone to be more in voice rather than an email.

- Should i let him have more time and come back to me when he is ready?
Depending on how much you are wanting this. Just remember that with him if he is an aspie then there will be definite challenges.

- How much time is more time? When should I accept that he wont come back and that I have to move on?
I would say maybe a couple of weeks.

- What might he be going through right now? He seemed extremely sad when we parted ways. I know he's a very sweet and emotional man, even if it is harder for him to show sometimes.

I know for me that I was always fast to jump into a relationship and get very serious right off the bat. Sometimes I would have gone too far and was way more in that I wanted to be. If he was really sad then that seems like he might still want the relationship.

 

[DonRojo]

I have been seeing a man that I believe to be on the spectrum. Everything I have read about it seems to fit him perfectly. Sadly I have only come to realize this possibility now...

After two months of dating, trying to keep up with his immense speed of moving into a serious relationship and having a fantastically great time together whenever we see each other he had suddenly built this massive wall around himself. Next time I saw him I just couldn't get through to him. I didnt understand what was happening.

Long story short. He got me to a point where I said "this just wont work". We parted ways and I haven't really hear from him since.

After thinking and thinking and trying to reconstruct how we got to this point and what had happened I came up with the following theory:

He isn't very good with keeping in contact when we don't see each other and doesn't seem to understand what a normal time frame of response is. I tried to cope with this since I understood from the beginning that he is very busy and means no harm. But I did try to speak to him about this twice or thrice and I think he at some point convinced himself that I was very upset with our situation, but that he couldn't give me more attention in between seeing each other, and therefore I was going to break it off. That would explain why he prepared himself for a breakup, building a wall around himself etc (he also brought books I had lent him to our last conversation obviously prepared for the outcome of a breakup)

Two days after our last meeting, I wrote him a very calm and gentle but very long email about what I had thought had happened ("this is my mediocre attempt to reconstruct how we got to this point that came so out of the blue for me") as well as that I had no hard feelings but that I was just sad and confused about how we got there.

He wrote back two days later that he was going to read it carefully as well as: "Do you want a reply? When do you want a reply?" I wrote "I want to see you and talk about it".

All this happened within four days more than a week ago and I am still waiting for his reply. I really really like this man. He is something special and we connect on so many levels, levels I have never connected with anyone on. If I can help it, I really want to make this work.

My question to you out there with Aspergers is what I should do now...

- Can I contact him again and ask specifically to meet and talk this weekend? He seems to do better with explicit questions and timeframes then open statements like "I want to see you and talk"
- If I can contact him, how should i do it? How can I make sure I don't make him feel cornered?
- Should i let him have more time and come back to me when he is ready?
- How much time is more time? When should I accept that he wont come back and that I have to move on?
- What might he be going through right now? He seemed extremely sad when we parted ways. I know he's a very sweet and emotional man, even if it is harder for him to show sometimes.

I am just afraid that if we dont talk soon, and I dont manage to show him that I am willing to try his way and adjust to his communication style I will have given up the chance of making this work.

Any advice is welcome!!

I can only talk for myself. But....in that case I love you madly. But, I see that there is a problem that is not good for you in the future and I am letting you go...breaking up for your own protection. Various stages of my live would have led maybe to differnt reactions from me during my life, when she would try to reconcile. First of all, I turn out to be always right. I was really protecting that other person for something they weren't realizing. In the beginning, I would have loved a second chance to make up for my silly attempt to protect. But one person broke it time over time. And...I was right. This is really not good for her. She loves me to bit, but she doesn't realize that she can't overcome somethings. And therefor I am doomed to break her heart. Whether now or in the future. I love her to. But we have conflicting personalities. And really all I (that is me, not necessary him) is a sort of to agree to disagree. I want her to be my friend. I wanted all of them to be honest. But I would also want them to trust my judgement. He, sometimes I make the perfect shoulder to cry on if an other guy breaks her heart . Well except for the one that wasn't honest. She disturbs me majorly. And whenever she talks about another guy, I see green and purple from jealousy . And it is hard to be supportive in that moment.
- He seems better with explicit questions and timeframes. In my case. The answer is yes....practically any time for me...but what would be good for you? With a high chance of not getting past that point, because I seem to be confusing
- I am only cornered if you ask me to hurt you again. Since that is the last thing I want.
- If I was like that, that is ME, I am already ready. Just don't ask me to hurt you again. Therefore if you don't come, I assume that is what you like best.
- In my case. Ask him, but be open for the answer. I would know something that she wouldn't want to know. And I would only tell (love to tell), only if you are ready to take it/accept it. Which in my case I probably already tried just before breaking up.
- Grin. Wishing she would help me find another, and accepting the help from my side . (but that is just me). Remember, breaking off for me is not the same as to stop loving somebody.

About the last statement. If it happened to me. It is not about being willing.....it is about my reason saying..you can't . No amount of love is going to change you in something you are not. And honestly I wouldn't want her (my girl) to.

But that is based on my story. (2 out of 2 official)....so it might not be your story.

 

[DonRojo]

- Can I contact him again and ask specifically to meet and talk this weekend? He seems to do better with explicit questions and timeframes then open statements like "I want to see you and talk"
I would try to contact him again and see if you could get through to him. If you feel strongly about it then go through with your feelings.

- If I can contact him, how should i do it? How can I make sure I don't make him feel cornered?
I would try to contact him over the phone to be more in voice rather than an email.

- Should i let him have more time and come back to me when he is ready?
Depending on how much you are wanting this. Just remember that with him if he is an aspie then there will be definite challenges.

- How much time is more time? When should I accept that he wont come back and that I have to move on?
I would say maybe a couple of weeks.

- What might he be going through right now? He seemed extremely sad when we parted ways. I know he's a very sweet and emotional man, even if it is harder for him to show sometimes.

I know for me that I was always fast to jump into a relationship and get very serious right off the bat. Sometimes I would have gone too far and was way more in that I wanted to be. If he was really sad then that seems like he might still want the relationship.

This is very much a possibility to. I am not everybody. Be open to both possibilities.