How to forgive for one’s own sake?

[Metalhead]

Many of you know I have a tendency to hold on to things for a very long while.

My sponsor is always telling me that I need to learn how to forgive others who have wronged me so very badly. Not for their sake, but for my own. As if I am drinking poison and expecting it to hurt them. I know he is right, but I also do not want to give the impression that it is perfectly alright for people to walk all over me like they once did. So I am feeling quite hesitant to forgive.

He also said I need to forgive myself for the mistakes I made in my past, and I have trouble with that, as I do not want to say that everything I did in my own life was perfectly OK.

Any input on this?

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Tough one. Your mentor is quite correct in urging you to let go of the past. I have no idea how to do it, but i think thats what many of the spiritual paths are for, is to learn how to let go.
I do know that one definition of forgive, means to relieve a debt, so in the sake of some of my enemies i can be said to have forgiven them, as i have agreed to forgoe redress of grievance, and then too they are all still alive.
That is not what the sponsor is saying tho. Its supposed to be more than just not seeking revenge.
Just not hurting someone who has betrayed you isnt really forgivness, but good job on doing that part anyways, its hard to walk the high road. Its resentment, kinda what makes me drink, bitterness about the past, leads to ... well nothing good i know that. Also see recent post on suicidal ideation, this past trip is a looping thought, so....

 

[SimonSays]

I know he is right, but I also do not want to give the impression that it is perfectly alright for people to walk all over me like they once did. So I am feeling quite hesitant to forgive.

Perhaps it is the definition you hold of what it means to forgive that is the issue. Forgiveness does not condone the actions of those who you feel have wronged you. It lets go of what was done so that the possibility of growth and learning which we know takes place can happen. We all make mistakes, and we all deserve to not be held back by having made them. A chance to become more of who we are rather than tarred with the brush we once were. That ought to be there in the minds of others too.

He also said I need to forgive myself for the mistakes I made in my past, and I have trouble with that, as I do not want to say that everything I did in my own life was perfectly OK.

You would not be saying that in forgiving yourself. You would be saying that you made mistakes and you are not the same person you were back then. Given the same circumstances you would make different choices now. While you cannot go back and change things, you can do things differently now. And you should have the chance to prove it and feel good about yourself, without the weight of your past pulling you back.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Question I would ask is why do you still associate with people who walked all over you?

Ed

 

[unperson]

It's so you can let go mentally, doesn't have to be totally real, just start with a slight forgiveness and get used to the feel of it. The real thing may or may not come later.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Many of you know I have a tendency to hold on to things for a very long while.

My sponsor is always telling me that I need to learn how to forgive others who have wronged me so very badly. Not for their sake, but for my own. As if I am drinking poison and expecting it to hurt them. I know he is right, but I also do not want to give the impression that it is perfectly alright for people to walk all over me like they once did. So I am feeling quite hesitant to forgive.

He also said I need to forgive myself for the mistakes I made in my past, and I have trouble with that, as I do not want to say that everything I did in my own life was perfectly OK.

Any input on this?

You are not alone.
I know the saying about drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
I know that forgiving others is not about condoning bad behaviour, it's about letting go of bitter feelings from the past.

I struggle because I don't trust my family.
I can say, "OK, what they did was wrong, that's gone, it hurt, but it's gone, but it's the future that matters and my trust was broken"

My family are close, like a loving family, they love and respect each other. I want to be part of them but I do not feel loved and respected. I feel I was advised to take a foolish risk by my mum.
My Dad liked me tense and on edge so I was easier to control.
My siblings bullied me mostly verbally.

I want a family, I want a family I want a family. Not my own kids, too much responsibility. I envy people from school on Facebook who get on with their parents and siblings.

I live 300 miles away, I feel alone.
I feel bitter.
I want to release the bitterness, it only hurts me, it feels like a stubborn stain.
Bitter people vibrate on a low frequency, I want high vibration.

 

[OkRad]

It's simply neuroscience. Trauma causes PTSD which effects the amygdala. I lived near a base and no matter how much therapy some survivors endure, it is not going to shrink an enlarged amygdala. Emotions are very strongly linked to an enlarged amygdala.

Some have found profound and lasting relief with a variety of carefully prescribed and monitored psychedelics. 100 years from now, the idea that people could ever stop their emotions when the brain was altered will seem insane and cruel.

Science will find a way. Leave out the philosophy. That just obfuscate matters and leave you open to judgements ("If I did it, you can!" "You are just not trying!" [Insert Insult of Choice Here]

Reject all that and turn to science, particularly neuroscience. The brain CAN change and that is the hope.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Forgive is a verb. So maybe at first you're still mad, but you intentionally act towards the person as if they never did anything to make you angry. Eventually, you realize that you have forgiven them in your head too.

 

[Aspychata]

Truthfully- Everything wasn't okay.

Forgiveness basically says l am not having pity parties anymore.

Forgiveness says my new normal is healthy boundaries, saying no, being aware of self-medicating when feelings become to intense.

The hardest one- not going into the rabbit-hole of the mommy dearest saga.
Forgiveness kinda sorta shuts that door.

l had to forgive Satan and Cruella de Mom myself. The minute l told my mom l forgive my ex(in front of ex), Cruella immediately lashed out. I said this okay. Forgiveness just made me overlook her remark. l felt peaceful. I felt l could more postively approach heathly emotionally mature people with the new me.

The old you will just draw on those past behaviors and attract more people to sabatour you. The forgiving you attracts different people. Maybe since you have been alone, you have been forced to deal with so many emotions you kept buried because mom never let you feel anything except constant chaos.

l venture to say are you still emotionally raw? Do you still think about your abusive past? Maybe forgiveness allows us to dump those raw feelings and replace them witj just living and finding simple pleasures right this minute.

 

[Aspychata]

Moving forward will be catching when someone triggers you like your mother did. Then not responding, but actually catching that emotion. Analyzing it, call that person a trigger, feel the emotion, then letting go.

When you finally forgive your mom- you take away her power to trigger you anymore. So by forgiving my sadistic ex, l am turning him off in my emotional brain. I am saying you don't have any control over me. I shut down the memories that would cross over and turn into a pity party. ☺

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

Many of you know I have a tendency to hold on to things for a very long while.

My sponsor is always telling me that I need to learn how to forgive others who have wronged me so very badly. Not for their sake, but for my own. As if I am drinking poison and expecting it to hurt them. I know he is right, but I also do not want to give the impression that it is perfectly alright for people to walk all over me like they once did. So I am feeling quite hesitant to forgive.

He also said I need to forgive myself for the mistakes I made in my past, and I have trouble with that, as I do not want to say that everything I did in my own life was perfectly OK.

Any input on this?

i tend not to forgive some people amongst my family (my mother) for rushing me to be on point with everything,no matter the pace,up to the point where i want to tell her off,even if she's my mother

 

[Metalhead]

Question I would ask is why do you still associate with people who walked all over you?

Ed

That’s the kicker. The only real associations I have with most of these people are psychological, since I still think about them long after I severed ties.

 

[Thinx]

Well these people traumatised you, so that's likely part of the issue. I wonder if some trauma therapy would help? Part of the issue can be that the brain had to try to cope with traumatic actions of adults, and sometimes gets a bit muddled in processing that. Have you discussed the issues with Yr therapist?

 

[Skittlebisquit]

That’s the kicker. The only real associations I have with most of these people are psychological, since I still think about them long after I severed ties.

Thats like me too. Years ago it was, all of it. If i get stuck in that loop, its like it was yesterday.

 

[The Pandector]

Its supposed to be more than just not seeking revenge. Just not hurting someone who has betrayed you isnt really forgivness,

True. And I think this is why we have to restate the definition of forgiveness as 'abdicate the right to retribution.' Cherishing hard feelings presumes his debt to you.

Simply not seeking revenge (while internally wishing prolonged agony for your nemesis) doesn't heal. Deciding to wish them well does do so. Take time to consider what things would really change this person's life for the better. Wish those things for them. Should your eyes meet, strive to have kindness in your own. Say nice things about them to other people. If you're fair, most everybody has positive attributes; consider theirs. These are things you CAN do. At first it may seem hypocritical, but it isn't so if you simply deal with truth. These things help me.

But let me be honest about the worst cases. Mankind's creator made it perfectly clear in saying that vengeance is his and that he will repay. I know that justice will be served; I'm just glad that it isn't a dysfunctional jackass such as myself that's keeping the tally. I have no right to that position.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

definition of forgiveness as 'abdicate the right to retribution.' Cherishing hard feelings presumes his debt to you.

True that

Simply not seeking revenge (while internally wishing prolonged agony for your nemesis) doesn't heal.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

i tend not to forgive some people amongst my family & friends for any wrong doing,(my mother lying to me saying that if i want to do whatever that interests me,she would fully support me (standing up straight,using giant stuffed animals as sex toys because i cannot be found a girlfriend because of how severely awkward,as well as unattractive i appear to them upon eye-contact,me asking her how she would feel if i were bisexual (i'm not),i would've believed her but i felt like that none of it were true.i wouldn't forgive her for it...ever.

Plushy fan eh? They make store bought ones now. Not judging, but Its, in general, not ok to fork(or spoon) with other peoples cuddle pillows, plushies are personal, so no sharing. If you loved it than you should have put a wig on it.
Just kidding, do what works, just dont get it on me .
Dang, cannot believe i said that , and that it came out so well. Oops i did it again
(and got the mess on Mr Ruffles) I think better after 10pm

Maybe you could deintensify your groove a bit, kinda hard to grasp(eew) what you are meaning, plz?

Be nice to your mother, and grateful too. This sunday, mothers day, (two days from now) do something ez fun lite and sweet, while you still can. A card. A vase. A book of crappy poetry. Anything dude, trust me on this, its not too late, truck stop jewelry is just fine. So....

I would give anything to have her back, just for a cup of tea in the old kitchen...i never knew how important she was, but everyone else basically hated me, because of the kind of person i am. Mom was always there, a mothers love is pretty special, cherish....

I wanna hear more from you, like any topic you want, almost. I bet if you dont yet know that you write poetry you will hopefully learn it about yourself soon.
If you do write poetry i really really wanna read some, plz?

 

[SusanLR]

I would give anything to have her back, just for a cup of tea in the old kitchen...i never knew how important she was, but everyone else basically hated me, because of the kind of person i am. Mom was always there, a mothers love is pretty special, cherish....

At least I don't have anything I feel I needed to forgive my Mom for.
She was as loving as ever the day before her death. I am grateful for that.

Others, it isn't easy for me to forgive either.
It's exactly that feeling of not wanting to let them think I'm a doormat they can walk all over
and it's OK because I will forgive them, so that allows them to think they can do whatever they
want and never be repremanded for their cruelty.

I don't have trouble forgiving myself as I try to do the best not to be cruel.
I'm strict on my actions and maybe that's why I find it hard to forgive others who don't care
what they do or even enjoy trying to make you miserable just because they can.

 

[SimonSays]

Others, it isn't easy for me to forgive either.
It's exactly that feeling of not wanting to let them think I'm a doormat they can walk all over
and it's OK because I will forgive them, so that allows them to think they can do whatever they
want and never be repremanded for their cruelty.

I don't have trouble forgiving myself as I try to do the best not to be cruel.
I'm strict on my actions and maybe that's why I find it hard to forgive others who don't care
what they do or even enjoy trying to make you miserable just because they can.

That's what makes you better than them.
Forgiveness doesn't make anyone think they can do whatever they want and never have to account for it.
They may never know you have forgiven them.
Forgiveness is not for them.
Lack of forgiveness holds us in the past. It keeps us connected to who we were, the hurt and the pain and the suffering.
To forgive is to understand they know not what they do.
Their life has made them able to not care about what they do or even understand. And for those who get pleasure from making us miserable...life will find them eventually.
I think if it was always easy to forgive there would be little value in doing so.

 

[SDRSpark]

Others will I'm sure disagree with me, and it really all comes down to perspective and personal definitions/beliefs, but here's mine:

You don't have to forgive them in order to make peace with your past. You don't have to forgive them in order to not focus on them anymore. You don't have to forgive them in order to move on.

I'm certainly not an expert in this, and it's something I struggle with too, but this is something a friend told me that really helped me. It's a metaphor from IT security:

Basically, Ring 0 is you. Your safety, your security. NO ONE gets in your level 0. Ring 1 is your absolute closest, your spouse, children, maybe. Ring 2 is other people/things that are closer...Rings 3, 4, 5 are moving further and further away from their impact on your life.

If you're struggling to move on from something, maybe it's because that something is too close to your ring 0. Your boundaries aren't strong and defined. It should not be there. Those people that hurt you, they need to be very far away from you. Stick them in ring 5, if you have to have them around at all. No where near the core "you" that they can hurt any longer.

Basically the whole point of this is, work on YOU. Your boundaries, your security. Focusing on forgiving them is still kind of focusing on THEM. Rather than saying "how can I forgive this person?", instead say "how can I protect myself?" and work on that. And when you feel yourself slipping, think about your ring 0. Are they in there? If so, get them OUT and if not, then they can't hurt you.

Protection ring - Wikipedia

Also, you may never forgive them. But you don't really need to. I haven't, and probably never will, forgive my dad for the things that he did - but I'm not thinking about it every day, and it's not something that plays a major role in my life (the trauma and maladaptive behaviors that I developed as a result are a different matter of course). I'm not angry about him...I don't care about him at all really. Haven't forgiven him, he's just not a part of my life anymore. And it took time to get to this point. It always takes time, people seem to expect you to rush the process but you really can't.