How to forgive for one’s own sake?

[SimonSays]

Others will I'm sure disagree with me, and it really all comes down to perspective and personal definitions/beliefs, but here's mine:

You don't have to forgive them in order to make peace with your past. You don't have to forgive them in order to not focus on them anymore. You don't have to forgive them in order to move on.

I'm certainly not an expert in this, and it's something I struggle with too, but this is something a friend told me that really helped me. It's a metaphor from IT security:

Basically, Ring 0 is you. Your safety, your security. NO ONE gets in your level 0. Ring 1 is your absolute closest, your spouse, children, maybe. Ring 2 is other people/things that are closer...Rings 3, 4, 5 are moving further and further away from their impact on your life.

If you're struggling to move on from something, maybe it's because that something is too close to your ring 0. Your boundaries aren't strong and defined. It should not be there. Those people that hurt you, they need to be very far away from you. Stick them in ring 5, if you have to have them around at all. No where near the core "you" that they can hurt any longer.

Basically the whole point of this is, work on YOU. Your boundaries, your security. Focusing on forgiving them is still kind of focusing on THEM. Rather than saying "how can I forgive this person?", instead say "how can I protect myself?" and work on that. And when you feel yourself slipping, think about your ring 0. Are they in there? If so, get them OUT and if not, then they can't hurt you.

Protection ring - Wikipedia

Also, you may never forgive them. But you don't really need to. I haven't, and probably never will, forgive my dad for the things that he did - but I'm not thinking about it every day, and it's not something that plays a major role in my life (the trauma and maladaptive behaviors that I developed as a result are a different matter of course). I'm not angry about him...I don't care about him at all really. Haven't forgiven him, he's just not a part of my life anymore. And it took time to get to this point. It always takes time, people seem to expect you to rush the process but you really can't.

Brilliant!

Forgiveness means letting go. Not saying 'it's ok i forgive you' but I'm done with you and moving on.
Not hating or hard hearted, just....no more them.

In the present focussing on who and what you want in your life NOW.

 

[SimonSays]

If you're struggling to move on from something, maybe it's because that something is too close to your ring 0. Your boundaries aren't strong and defined. It should not be there. Those people that hurt you, they need to be very far away from you. Stick them in ring 5, if you have to have them around at all. No where near the core "you" that they can hurt any longer.

This is something I've done soooo many times.
Turn and walk away.
If I can do it physically...
They literally don't exist anymore.
They are 'forgiven' by default, so to speak.
I no longer carry them in my life.

For those around me it's harder.
As they remind me of what I have psychologically moved on from.
I avoid anyone I don't want to see until...I just never see them.

But I still have to do the work. I must understand the 'whys'. That can take time. Thoughts can appear from time to time. I don't avoid them. I may be ready to see things clearer now. I learn this way.

 

[Metalhead]

I guess the hardest part about this, for me, is that forgiveness can not be like a lightswitch that I flip and keep turned on without any real effort whatsoever. It is going to take real work and effort on my part, and anybody who knows me knows that I am a procrastinator when it comes to working on my self-improvement.

 

[watersprite]

When I find myself on that stale old loop of emotion mixed with thoughts, I mentally drop the whole thing in the bin. I look in there and see all the old stuff. I thank it for leaving. Sometimes, some days, I have to do this several times. It helps me to move forward. Happiness is not a noun.

 

[Aspychata]

When I find myself on that stale old loop of emotion mixed with thoughts, I mentally drop the whole thing in the bin. I look in there and see all the old stuff. I thank it for leaving. Sometimes, some days, I have to do this several times. It helps me to move forward. Happiness is not a noun.

Divorce the emotions from the hard truths. This is very difficult for some of us, we put the same 45 record on and have it on repeat, or CD player, because those emotions hold us and we are breaking the bond which is scary but feels better to break the bond permanently. I should buy some CDs to break and label them old emotions l don't need anymore.

 

[watersprite]

@Aspychata I find ripping empty old cardboard boxes to shreds satisfyingly therapeutic.
Mindfulness practice which I’m still learning, gleaned from the local Tibetan Buddhist group and Epictetus (& other stoic teachings) are helping heaps.

 

[Metalhead]

I dunno, I think having some more physical distance between myself and my mother is making it easier for me to let go of my frustrations against her. Of course, she is still going to be a narcissist. Of course, she is going to continue to lie as easily and as thoughtlessly as she breathes. But none of that is a reflection upon who I am, and I can accept that now. She has her own life, I have my own life. I can accept that she was a failure as a maternal figure and move on with my own life, and no longer feel the need for rage. Especially considering that her own mother was pretty much the same kind of parent as she was. I can escape that cycle, so I will escape that cycle with pride.

Forgiving her is about more than just letting go of what she did to me throughout my life. It is also redefining myself as my own man, and not as her victim.