How To Keep Calm and NOT Have a Valium

[HelloDizzy]

Just an aside, I'm getting a PhD in psychology and a minor in philosophy.
I have the full support of my boyfriend with this; he said it should be top priority.

epath13 - There are things that bother me such as not getting enough attention at times, or his greedyness, and how he plays the stock market. I've told him these things. Overall, I don't have problems with him.
We spend most of our time alone - his parents are gone all day. I think we would fare much better alone.
He does say "I love you" and he said it before I did - and he waited to say it until we knew eachother for half a year (we knew eachother long before dating.) The only thing standing between me and my goals are my anxiety problems and the economy (being the reason he can't get a job even with an accounting degree and great CPA scores.)

I do take birth control and usually, it's regular. I rarely forget.
At one point we thought I was pregnant and he had no intention of abandoning me. His concern was that he hasn't got a job yet and that we'd have to get married sooner than anticipated. I won't lie and say I haven't any desire to get pregnant, but it's not logistic at this point in time. Maybe in 3 years or so.

 

[Spinning Compass]

No. You don't get it. "I do take birth control and usually it's regular. I rarely forget."

Honey, if you are not using it 100% of the time, every time, you are playing pregnancy roulette. The fact you've already had one scare should put you on notice that you are indeed playing a very dangerous game. You should NOT forget. Period. It should not be "usually it's regular." By your own admission you are a highly intelligent woman, why are you playing this game? Why are you taking these chances?

All it takes is ONE time. From a strictly biological, evolutionary point of view (no religion involved) Mother Nature intended the sexual act to be a reproductive act. She does not give a damn about your plans, your wishes, your anything. All "she" cares about is making more. This is one of the reasons sex feels so good. Yes, I am well aware that there are other reasons why people have sex, but they are secondary and human-created. Any time that you engage in sex without using contraception, you are planning to get pregnant. I do not know why so many otherwise intelligent women cannot get that through their heads. Babies don't just happen. I'm sorry, but I just do not have any kind of patience with that sort of thing. It makes me think that Ayn Rand (another highly intelligent woman) was right when she said that she thought that on average women were not as smart as men.

Please do not be a fool. Please. You are way too smart and intelligent for that.

 

[HelloDizzy]

I agree that the average woman is not as smart as men.

There are also specific days you can even GET pregnant and specific days you can't. I don't keep these things on a calendar so I don't know mine. I would have to be off of birth control for a MONTH before I began regular ovulation again.
The only time I forget is on Saturdays - when I end up taking it later in the day. I think you're supposed to take it the same time every day.

Chances are, my maternal instincts and sub-conscience work against me.
And if a DID get pregnant, it would not be a catastrophic occurrence for anyone other than my boyfriends overly religious parents. However, it's not in the plans, and it's not an issue. I have other things to contend with besides babies.

 

[Spinning Compass]

Chances are, chances are. It can't happen to me. Ok, it can't. Wishful thinking always overrides reality every time.

Well, honey, you just go on living in your bubble world. Things really aren't as bad as you say, etc., etc. All I can say is if I had a dollar for every young woman I heard spout that nonsense, I'd have enough for a nice down payment on a house. Why do you think you are exempt? Your intelligence?

But I can tell you that there is a name for women who repeatedly ***** and moan about their crappy relationships and living situation but refuse to do anything about it. You may think it's venting, but other people see it as being a Drama Queen, and Drama Queens are NOT respected. Especially in the work world. Employers won't tolerate it. Nor will your co-workers. I wish there was a gentler way to say this, but it is the truth.

It's your life. No one is forcing you to make these choices. So I will shut up for now because obviously I do not know a goddamn thing about life or relationships.

 

[HelloDizzy]

Lol, I'm a Drama Queen?
I am pretty much the exact opposite. If you met me in person you wouldn't even know I had emotions.
I don't run about, crying, asking my friends (which I do not have)"what should I do to make my relationship better. Poor pitiful me, my boyfriend doesn't understand, call a whambulance."
No. I vent here, where like minded people are. This post wasn't originally about my relationship, it was about being stuck in a psychotic religious environment which is making me panic. And if DEFINITELY wasn't about pregnancy. Yes, I've forgotten to take my pill before. Yes, I know I could get pregnant if I let my absent mindedness do its thing. I'm not invincible and I'm not immune to life.
And I sure as hell don't know what "choices" you're talking about. This is my current situation. This is not about choices yet. It's about waiting and coping.

I'm about 6 years away from the work world, but I do not show or talk about my emotions to people in real life. I show up to college, I leave my issues at home. Unless you're in my "Cell" all you're going to know about me is that I am an overly analytical and I'm from the South.

You're rather belligerent for no reason. You know not me nor the intricate pieces of my life.

 

[NeverEnder]

Chances are, chances are. It can't happen to me. Ok, it can't. Wishful thinking always overrides reality every time.

Well, honey, you just go on living in your bubble world. Things really aren't as bad as you say, etc., etc. All I can say is if I had a dollar for every young woman I heard spout that nonsense, I'd have enough for a nice down payment on a house. Why do you think you are exempt? Your intelligence?

But I can tell you that there is a name for women who repeatedly ***** and moan about their crappy relationships and living situation but refuse to do anything about it. You may think it's venting, but other people see it as being a Drama Queen, and Drama Queens are NOT respected. Especially in the work world. Employers won't tolerate it. Nor will your co-workers. I wish there was a gentler way to say this, but it is the truth.

It's your life. No one is forcing you to make these choices. So I will shut up for now because obviously I do not know a goddamn thing about life or relationships.

I do not see HelloDizzy "bitching" and "moaning". In fact, when I read her posts dealing with her relationship and general life, I only see someone expressing her thoughts about her experiences thus far. This is called processing and thinking, not "bitching". To say so is rude and judgmental.

I have never detected any hint of HelloDizzy being a "drama queen"; This word is a hot-button phrase and is usually thrown around by NTs with abandon to slight and verbally diminish another person's thoughts/opinions. I see her posts as intellectually thoughtful, deep and explorative. This is not drama. I recommend that you recalibrate your definitions of choice before throwing them around irresponsibly. It can be hurtful and far from productive. Actually, I would rate your post as abusive. That is not needed.

 

[Spinning Compass]

Ok, maybe I misunderstood here. But from what I read, I see a young woman who has for whatever reason chosen to be in a situation she now finds intolerable. By chosen I mean nobody grabbed her arm and forced her to live where she is living. I call that a choice. Maybe she didn't know it going in, but she knows it now. The question is, what does she want to do with it?

Perhaps I sound a bit insensitive but perhaps it is because I have known a lot of young women who get into bad relationships and stay in those bad relationships, much like described here. They are not happy in these relationships but they do not want to leave these relationships. I don't know what they want. I don't know what Hello Dizzy wants either. But if she wants someone to hold her hand and lie to her, I am not that person. I am sorry if some people think telling the truth about life is abusive.

Maybe when some of the people who think I am so insensitive and all that get to my age (I am 55), and have seen what I have seen in life, they might find that maybe I wasn't so far off base after all. I see a young woman making foolish and miserable choices and insisting she has no choice. And she wants others to go along with that. Ok, if the rest of you want to do that, that is fine with me. But I have learned that sometimes the people who are "abusive" and tell you what you don't want to hear are sometimes much better friends than those who go along and sympathize. I do not know what is keeping her in this relationship, I only hear that she is very, very, very unhappy.

 

[HelloDizzy]

I came here knowing I would be in a very religious environment.
What I didn't know is that after a few months I would learn to despise it for all it is worth.
It was a choice. I am, however, jaded by now.

I am not in a "bad relationship" nor have I ever been one of the typical females who STAY in bad relationships because they "can't let go." That is a very ISFP ESFP INFP ENFP thing to do. I think rationally, as an INTJ. This is a person I think things could work with in the long term.
I'm not going to back out of the RELATIONSHIP because I don't like the current environment. He is on the same page as I am with religion.

Nothing I am doing is "foolish." I am staying in a house in which I do not agree with the rules, in walking distance of my college, until my boyfriend and I can move out. This is nothing about a bad relationship and EVERYTHING about not having freedom. I am 20 years old, I've taken care of a sick mother until she died, I lived in several bad places until living on my own in the ghetto, and now I'm living somewhere in which I am subjected to the rules of religion just to "keep the peace."

This was never about the relationship; I made my own separate post about that. This is about coping with stress.

 

[Spinning Compass]

Forgive me for being so blunt. Obviously we don't see eye to eye on this matter. So I will keep my opinion to myself about this.

What it sounds like is that you need help dealing with this situation. So if you will permit me, there are a couple of books that I have found extremely helpful. One is "Lifescripts" by Stephen M. Pollan and Mark Levine. It covers a variety of situations and is laid out org-chart style with what to do when conversations take certain turns. Most of it covers work situations but there is a chapter on family issues.

The other is "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High" by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler. They also wrote "Crucial Confrontations" and "Influencer." I recommend all three. They really break down what happens when conflict occurs, why conflict occurs, and what you can do to keep things from becoming the same old same old. They have a website, ::VitalSmarts - Books:: which offers even more resources.

Basically what both books stress is know yourself, know the other person, learn to recognize conversational traps, and how to turn things into your favor or at least keep them from blowing up out of control. Arguments really are quite predictable and once you learn the pattern you can steer things in the direction you want. The biggest key is keeping calm. Once you've lost your cool, the game is over. And these books tell you how. I know they have been a big help to me.

 

[HelloDizzy]

Thank you, however, I know myself inside and out and have a very calm demeanor.
Conversation isn't really the problem, MOST of the time; there is no reasoning with religious nuts. I think everyone can agree on that.

I need help not getting anxious about living in a jail cell for the time being. At least for 6 months more.
The only thing I can think of is to say little, and pretend to be a ghost.

 

[Spinning Compass]

There is a quote I used to have posted on my computer at work from "Women Who Run With the Wolves" about making oneself small. It's from the chapter on the "Little Match Girl." It's a great quote and I wish I could remember it now, but it had to do with holding one's head up and not allowing others to diminish you. I totally agree there is no reasoning with religious nuts, but I don't think becoming a ghost is the answer. What happens if you become so small, so ghostly that you lose yourself? That you disappear? That's why I suggested these books because they do show how to build these skills. I mean, it's the only thing I know. I don't know anything else, as you pointed out I am not there and I don't know you. I only know what I read.

Perhaps a better question is, what concretely do you want? What kind of advice are you looking for? What would you tell someone who was in your situation? Because, and don't get offended at this, I sense a resistance. Granted, I am not the most tactful person in the world which is one of the things I am trying to work on for my employee evaluation which is coming up next week, but I feel that when I bring something up, I get pushed away. No, no, it's not that. No, no, it's not this. Ok, now the ball is in your court. I've offered you my recommendations the best I know how. But I don't know what to do or what to say. Counseling, perhaps? I don't know, I've never been in your situation. I can't relate to situations like that at all. And so it just boggles me. I know what I would do if I were in that situation but it is not the answer you are looking for. I'm sorry, I can't do anything else.

 

[Spinning Compass]

If you will be patient with me I will share a little story that expresses my frustration.

A few years ago my sister lived in an apartment complex where she had continuing problems with her neighbor. This guy was a real nutcase. I met him a few times, and I can tell you he was a piece of work.

Now my sister is a highly intelligent woman, she has a Ph.D. But she would call me and tell me how much she was getting stressed out by this guy. He was actually coming into her house and taking things. He would open the sliding glass door and throw garbage in. One night she was eating dinner and he threw a dead mouse that landed on her plate.

Ok, I think you know me enough to know what my reaction to that situation would be if it happened to me. In three words. Oh Hell No!

So I started asking her questions. Why don't you lock the sliding glass door? I can't, she said. And why can't you? Because, the cat needs to go in and out. Besides, he has a key. Me: Why does he have a key to your apartment? She: I gave it to him. Say What? Ok, change the goddam locks. I can't. Why? Because . . . Report him to management. I can't. Why? Because . . . Call the goddam cops. I can't. Why? Because . . . Need
I point out that by the time of the dead mouse incident, this had been going on for over a year? If it were me, you'd better believe that the sliding glass door would be locked, cat or no cat. The lock would be changed. And the cops called, as often as it took to get the message across.

And on and on it would go. Now, I ask you, what would YOU say to someone who, every time they called you, had a new tale of woe about that situation? Yet refused all suggestions as to how to prevent it from continuing? To this day, I honestly do not know what my sister wanted. A listening ear? You help me. You're intelligent. What would YOU do?

And maybe, we can both find the key to the solutions to our problems.

 

[HelloDizzy]

I would have a much more violent reaction to the dead mouse situation. HELL no.

Becoming a ghost is preferable to no privacy. I tried therapy, counseling, etc...it never works nor do they seem to GIVE advice. They talk about themselves.
I suppose there is no hope for me until I'm out of current situation. Until then......Valium.

=/

 

[Spinning Compass]

Removing all the emotion and everything else it looks like you have three choices:

1. Leave. You've already stated that that is not an option. So, onto 2 and 3
2. Stay and let the stress level build until something happens. Valium, alcohol, and other drugs are good ways of coping with this. The biggest drawback is that they teach you nothing about dealing with life.
3. Stay, but look for ways of changing the situation and/or your reaction to it. It's scary, it's painful, it requires brutal self-honesty, humility, and maturity, it's difficult, but you end up learning valuable life skills in the process.

It's your call. It sounds like you have opted for number 2. Best of luck with the Valium.

 

[HelloDizzy]

1. If I wasn't dedicated to my boyfriend and starting college, I would.
2. I don't abuse Valium or alcohol nor do I have access to drugs, nor would I. I have lived in stressful situations before. Something along the lines of caring for for 50something year old mother since age 12 until she died when you just turned 16.
3. It appears I'm staying until we can move out or until/if something between my boyfriend and I goes awry.

You are continuously belligerent, for the sake of belligerency alone. I don't see any point in your responding to this post anymore.