How to keep the love going

[Luvvinim]

Hi. I'm just starting to love a guy who I strongly suspect has AS. I am NT. I met this lovely on some walks we both did with a group and he was so attentive and clearly we are both attracted to each other. We live 70 miles apart so we have been emailing.

The first 4 weeks or so he was pinging the emails back often same day or next day. They were long and cheery and funny and he sent me chocolate twice. To me, that gesture said 'I really like you' .The next 3 weeks or so he replied after about a week and the emails got shorter. The last few weeks he hasn't been replying even after about 8 days, so I email him even though it isn't my turn, asking if he's OK. He might reply with two lines, or he might not.

I'm getting quite upset my end, wondering if he has gone off me. I don't feel I can send him a third email when it isn't my turn so I just sit and fret and I can get tearful. I know his phone number but I don't want to phone him as he has never said he would want me to.

I have read a lot about AS and what I have read says that they don't see the need for regular reassurances of liking/loving so it's probably nothing to worry about and probably doesn't mean he has gone off me. However, that doesn't really help me as I just will worry about it. I need to KNOW he still likes me. I don't want to put pressure on him by trying to talk about it. It's early days for us and I don't want to put him off me. I have told him in lots of ways that I really care a lot for him and really like him. I'm always telling him what I think is great about him. I wonder what I can do to have a little more response from him and that bit of reassurance that would stop me fretting.

Now, please, if you feel tempted to tell me I am being insensitive or offensive, please don't. I am trying my best. I adore this man, am really falling for him and I so want to understand him and make this work. I feel that I am being very sympathetic towards him. I have just been shouted down by some person on another blog, calling me offensive, unsympathetic and having unreasonable expectations. It was so horrible. Please, kind answers only. I am hurt enough by feeling inadequate to love this guy properly, without being called things I am not. Thank you.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Try not to take his decrease in communication personally. It likely means that he needs some space after being so intensely involved with you to begin with. He might feel a bit overwhelmed by all that intensity but that doesn't mean he has gone off you. Give him space and time- let him respond when he is ready and trust he will do so.

 

[Judge]

More often than not a sudden decrease of even loss of communication may well reflect that he is dealing with added stress. From my perspective, social interactions are usually the first thing to suffer when my stress levels get elevated, even if on a temporary basis.

And then apart from stress, consider that it remains more or less a "constant" for many of us on the spectrum of autism to routinely refrain from socialization and seek solitude to "recharge our batteries".

And to somehow grasp that relative to your relationship with him, that such things should not be taken personally as any reflection on you. Easier said than done, I know. But more often than not, there you have it.

 

[OkRad]

It is hard to say. People are all different so it may not even be an ASpie Trait , it might just be his trait. Many people now are isolated and disconnected and some even like that better. We all want love and connectiveness, but our social media world has REALLY put a dent in our ability to obtain that. Studies show that is widespread, not just an Aspie thing.

So it is impossible to tell and often even we don't know ourselves why we do things.

The best we can all do is to be around people and see how it goes. If we "gel" and get along and the person repeatedly shows interest over a long period of time, great! But 8 weeks is not long. Guard your heart till about a year or two.

Even two years may not be enough. I was flirted with and hit on for two years and still no desire to act on the other party and WOW that hurt. So I know how it feels. But I learned a good lesson. Guard your heart!

I know it's hard. I fell TOTALLY in love with said person and when I got away, it hurt soooooo bad. But that was after two years.

I hope it works for you because you sound like you are full of a lot of compassion and zeal. Truly, he would be missing out if he lets you go. But you........put a fence and armed guards around your emotions and be very careful

Keep us posted!!!

 

[Luvvinim]

Try not to take his decrease in communication personally. It likely means that he needs some space after being so intensely involved with you to begin with. He might feel a bit overwhelmed by all that intensity but that doesn't mean he has gone off you. Give him space and time- let him respond when he is ready and trust he will do so.

OK. Thanks. I will try to trust him. Well, I do trust him 100%. The continual silences are going to take a lot of getting used to. Thanks a lot though.

 

[Luvvinim]

More often than not a sudden decrease of even loss of communication may well reflect that he is dealing with added stress. From my perspective, social interactions are usually the first thing to suffer when my stress levels get elevated, even if on a temporary basis.

And then apart from stress, consider that it remains more or less a "constant" for many of us on the spectrum of autism to routinely refrain from socialization and seek solitude to "recharge our batteries".

And to somehow grasp that relative to your relationship with him, that such things should not be taken personally as any reflection on you. Easier said than done, I know. But more often than not, there you have it.

OK, thanks. I will really try to see it in this way and not let myself get so upset.

 

[Luvvinim]

It is hard to say. People are all different so it may not even be an ASpie Trait , it might just be his trait. Many people now are isolated and disconnected and some even like that better. We all want love and connectiveness, but our social media world has REALLY put a dent in our ability to obtain that. Studies show that is widespread, not just an Aspie thing.

So it is impossible to tell and often even we don't know ourselves why we do things.

The best we can all do is to be around people and see how it goes. If we "gel" and get along and the person repeatedly shows interest over a long period of time, great! But 8 weeks is not long. Guard your heart till about a year or two.

Even two years may not be enough. I was flirted with and hit on for two years and still no desire to act on the other party and WOW that hurt. So I know how it feels. But I learned a good lesson. Guard your heart!

I know it's hard. I fell TOTALLY in love with said person and when I got away, it hurt soooooo bad. But that was after two years.
Thanks. You are right. I need to protect myself from heartbreak. Will do my est for him but must protect myself.

I hope it works for you because you sound like you are full of a lot of compassion and zeal. Truly, he would be missing out if he lets you go. But you........put a fence and armed guards around your emotions and be very careful

Keep us posted!!!

 

[Luvvinim]

Yes, you are right. I need to protect myself from heartbreak, but try at the same time to do my best for him. I'll keep you posted.

 

[Luvvinim]

More often than not a sudden decrease of even loss of communication may well reflect that he is dealing with added stress. From my perspective, social interactions are usually the first thing to suffer when my stress levels get elevated, even if on a temporary basis.

And then apart from stress, consider that it remains more or less a "constant" for many of us on the spectrum of autism to routinely refrain from socialization and seek solitude to "recharge our batteries".

And to somehow grasp that relative to your relationship with him, that such things should not be taken personally as any reflection on you. Easier said than done, I know. But more often than not, there you have it.

Hi Judge, Just a thought, but I should be seeing him in person on 6th Jan, on a group walk. It'll be a huge group, so easy to get him on his own. Should I speak to him - really nicely and gently I mean -about the emailing? Like, could I ask him if I am being too intense, and ask him what sort of communications and frequency he would prefer, or do you just think that would just make him retreat from me even further? Hard to say, I suppose, when you haven't had the pleasure of meeting him.

 

[Judge]

Hi Judge, Just a thought, but I should be seeing him in person on 6th Jan, on a group walk. It'll be a huge group, so easy to get him on his own. Should I speak to him - really nicely and gently I mean -about the emailing? Like, could I ask him if I am being too intense, and ask him what sort of communications and frequency he would prefer, or do you just think that would just make him retreat from me even further? Hard to say, I suppose, when you haven't had the pleasure of meeting him.

Under such uncertain circumstances it might be best to allow him the first move. At least to get a sense of his frame of mind. But it seems to me that if he shows, that may be a positive indicator in itself.

 

[Luvvinim]

Thanks. I'll wait then. Thank you for taking an interest.

 

[Bolletje]

I'd back off a little. As much as you want confirmation, contacting someone several times in a row without them replying (or without them contacting you) tends to scare people off, NT or no.
I've been down this road many times with different men. The reason they didn't reply varied (not that interested, personal issues, commitment issues, or just being plain terrible at responding to texts) but the answer in every case was to just lay off for a bit. The ones that liked me contacted me after a week or so of silence. The ones that weren't that into me just gradually disappeared. It's not fun, but I think it is the best approach.
Best of luck managing the stress, I feel for you.

 

[SnailPie]

I don't know... it would drive me NUTS waiting around for someone to say what was on his mind, whether by email or in person!

I agree, taking it slowly is a great idea, and relaxing a little about how frequently he gets in touch/responds to your emails is probably wise.
That said, I would NOT put yourself "on the shelf" as it were, and put all your eggs in one basket with this fellow. He may or may not be very interested in pursuing anything with you of a serious nature.
Which isn't to say you aren't lovely and worthy of someone who will adore you, it just might not be him.
As an NT yourself, you might be in for decades of being with someone who doesn't respond as you think they should. It doesn't make his way wrong, or yours either, it's just harder to make it work and you'll probably need to be very independent emotionally.
If he's iffy about being in touch now, it may be his way overall.

If you're seeing him soon, maybe gently ask him about what's been going on since you last saw each other. If he's having a lot of stress in your absence, maybe that will shed some light on things.

On the other hand, do you really want to start up a relationship with someone who goes dark on you without filling you in? It's something you'll need to deal with if things progress.


Not to be the bearer of bad news here! He could be the best catch ever who is under the gun at work or some such. I just think it's odd that he hasn't said "Hey, sorry I've not been in touch, but I'm swamped these days... can't wait to see you again!"

Is it just me, or isn't it weird that he doesn't explain why he's out of touch if he is IS interested in some romantic connection?

 

[Shonda]

Hi. I'm just starting to love a guy who I strongly suspect has AS. I am NT. I met this lovely on some walks we both did with a group and he was so attentive and clearly we are both attracted to each other. We live 70 miles apart so we have been emailing.

The first 4 weeks or so he was pinging the emails back often same day or next day. They were long and cheery and funny and he sent me chocolate twice. To me, that gesture said 'I really like you' .The next 3 weeks or so he replied after about a week and the emails got shorter. The last few weeks he hasn't been replying even after about 8 days, so I email him even though it isn't my turn, asking if he's OK. He might reply with two lines, or he might not.

I'm getting quite upset my end, wondering if he has gone off me. I don't feel I can send him a third email when it isn't my turn so I just sit and fret and I can get tearful. I know his phone number but I don't want to phone him as he has never said he would want me to.

I have read a lot about AS and what I have read says that they don't see the need for regular reassurances of liking/loving so it's probably nothing to worry about and probably doesn't mean he has gone off me. However, that doesn't really help me as I just will worry about it. I need to KNOW he still likes me. I don't want to put pressure on him by trying to talk about it. It's early days for us and I don't want to put him off me. I have told him in lots of ways that I really care a lot for him and really like him. I'm always telling him what I think is great about him. I wonder what I can do to have a little more response from him and that bit of reassurance that would stop me fretting.

Now, please, if you feel tempted to tell me I am being insensitive or offensive, please don't. I am trying my best. I adore this man, am really falling for him and I so want to understand him and make this work. I feel that I am being very sympathetic towards him. I have just been shouted down by some person on another blog, calling me offensive, unsympathetic and having unreasonable expectations. It was so horrible. Please, kind answers only. I am hurt enough by feeling inadequate to love this guy properly, without being called things I am not. Thank you.

Hello dear. I deeply feel for you. I dated an aspie man for a while, and I do understand how it feels to have a lack of validation in the relationship. I would like to hear "I love you" everyday. However (and someone PLEASE correct me if I am wrong) to my ex, it did not seem necessary to say such things, because it was implied because I was his girlfriend.

When we broke up it was abrupt. Our relationship was strong one day, and the next, it was over. I still feel like maybe this could have been mediated by better communication.

Try telling him that you understand he needs space but explain that you also need some more reassurance. Try even telling him what he can do to reassure you. That being said, I do not know this person and every aspie is different. Even when they know exactly what you need, it may still be too hard for them to give it to you.

 

[Luvvinim]

Hi. There have been lots of replies and I don't seem to be getting email alerts any more. I don't feel I can respond to every single point made, but I thank you for all your thoughts.
No, I wouldn't dream of sending multi messages. I stop at two. I do understand I need to try to stand back and not fall for him if his feelings are not clear to me, but it's like holding back a flood. I have very strong feelings. I don't feel he is ready to be asked direct questions so I am going to just keep being really nice whenever I get the opportunity, and just wait.
However, he has been a real sweetie over Christmas, it's almost as if he could read my thoughts. He sent a card and present before I delivered mine. That's just one example.
He has said he does have a serious family issue going on. I am therefore ready for that to take first place - if not the only place - in his attention and I fully understand that. It's up to me to quieten myself down and trust him. The attention he has paid recently, during Christmas, has done a lot to boost my confidence in him.
I think you need to know we are neither of us spring chickens (both 50-something) and might not want to date in the conventional sense. I am a widow since nearly 5 years ago, had a good marriage, but don't feel I really want to take up with anybody again. I wasn't looking for anyone but he came along and turned my head. He doesn't want to take up with anybody either, having always been on his own got well used to it. We both like our own space. I love having his friendship and that mutual attraction. If I'm honest I do hope one day we might be spending some time on our own together now and again and I hope one day we might cuddle and kiss. I know that could take years if it happens at all. I won't be pushing for it. But even if we just stay close friends I would be happy. He is too lovely to be without. To be honest, if years of onesidedness are ahead, it's probably better if we do stay just friends.
There is this walk coming up on Sat 6th that I mentioned. It is very possible he might not turn up because of this big family matter, but if he does come, I'll let you know how it goes. I don't feel the same need to get down to any serious talk because as I say he has been so sweet lately and that has restored some confidence. I hope we will just enjoy each other's company, get to know each other bit better and have some laughs.
Sorry to go on so much.

 

[SnailPie]

Hi again. Glad to hear you had a nice Christmas with your friend. I can relate to the "being older" part, as I met my AS fella a few years ago when I was 55.

Finding love as we get older is even sweeter!
However, I have a tale of caution for you as well. Prior to my coming on the scene, he had a female "friend" for almost a decade who obviously adored him, did everything she could for him, helped him tremendously at great sacrifice to herself. He never asked nor wanted her to, she just kept giving and giving.
She actually went overseas to be with in the same hotel him while he did a job, (the reason she gave was that she had never been and it was an excuse to go), knowing there was "nothing romantic between them." He had always made this clear to her, but from what I understand she was always hoping that he'd "see the light" and change how he felt.
He only ever thought of her as a good friend, and was not interested in a relationship with her other than that. I don't think she believed him, really.
They indeed did spend a lot of time together, but it was mostly HER doing all the work, showing up for meals, coming over to help with a project, showing up at gigs "to help", and she was a great help and a great friend.

The sad part is that she's always said to him "One day, you'll meet a woman, and I'll be 'out of here'". Which is exactly what happened. He'd had a few casual relationships prior to being with me, and she knew nothing about them. He and I got very serious, and once she got wind of it, I think she was very hurt and let down. I felt terrible--I had hoped they'd still be friends on some level, but since her desire for him was always for something more, she couldn't handle my presence. So this person who was very much a part of his life, and a good friend, has now not spoken to him for two years. She is in her 60's. She wasted ten years of her life focused on someone who was never going to give her the relationship she wanted.
I think she must have told herself that he didn't really mean what he'd said (about not wanting a relationship with her) and that as long as there was no other woman in the picture, that she still had a chance with him. That was just wrong thinking.

He had made it clear many times about where he stood, but he is also a kind person, and didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her to back way off.
He was also a good friend to her as well, helped her and spent time with her, but she took every little thing he did for her as "proof" that deep down he must feel have feelings for her of which he was "unaware" (He didn't)

One thing I have learned about men--and guys, please correct me here if I'm wrong--is that, for the most part, they either feel a physical/romantic connection to a woman pretty early on if they are going to. Sure, feelings can grow, but if he's not physically attracted and wanting to be close within the first phases of getting to know each other, chances are, that's not going to change.
We women seem to be able to develop feelings over time to men we're maybe not that attracted to initially. And sure, it happens for men, too. But mostly they sort of know if there is any interest in that area. And if there is, AS or not, they're likely to try and make something happen without too much delay.

I guess what I'm saying is--maybe he's just telling you the truth about where he's at emotionally. I'd take it at face value, and meanwhile, keep yourself open to meeting other guys and finding love wherever you can.

I wouldn't plan on having him as anything other than a good friend. Which, in my opinion, is pretty great too! I'd rather have a great friend than a less-than-wonderful partner.


Just my $.02. Worth exactly that!
Best of luck to you and Happy New Year,

 

[SnailPie]

I would also echo what some others here have said:
Don't take it personally.
He might be busy, he might be stressed, he might be unsure of what he wants or how he feels.

The point is, you can't control ANY of that. You can only control yourself. I wouldn't spend a lot of energy trying to "figure him out" or somehow trying to one-sidedly create a relationship you want.

If he really likes you, he'll let you know, sooner rather than later. Even if he has AS, he's not without emotion. And if he is someone with AS who is rather emotionally detached, is that really the type of person you want to have a relationship with?

In my opinion, (after hundreds and hundreds of hours on forums/blogs/sites that deal with relationships, therapy, and relationships with NT/AS men), I can say the greatest favor you can do for yourself at this point is FOCUS ON YOURSELF.

Get busy doing the things you enjoy and spend less time worrying about him, how he feels, etc. You will be at your most appealing when you are busy with your life, engaged, happy, and living the way you want. Go for those walks. If he's there--great! Don't make HIM your focus.

He might be feeling a lot of pressure from your interest in him, and I'd be sure to demonstrate to him that you have plenty in your life to keep yourself occupied and happy that doesn't include him.

If he really has AS, this will likely be his expectation of you anyway.

 

[Luvvinim]

OK, thank you. All good and helpful advice and cautionary tales are good because they will help me focus on myself and protect myself. There is something that many people don't quite get: I don't want a partner and don't want what most people call a 'relationship'. I have had many offers and have turned them all down because what they want is more than I want. I love being this guy's special friend and if it were a bit more than friendship I would love that too, but bottom line is friends is great. If nothing works out I won't be looking for anyone else. It would break my heart if he found somebody to fully love so thank you, I will really try not to pin everything on him. I do have lots going on in my life and he knows that. Will keep making sure he knows he isn't my sole focus and will continue to mix with others on these walks. That can only help. Thanks to all again.

 

[SnailPie]

OK, thank you. All good and helpful advice and cautionary tales are good because they will help me focus on myself and protect myself. There is something that many people don't quite get: I don't want a partner and don't want what most people call a 'relationship'. I have had many offers and have turned them all down because what they want is more than I want. I love being this guy's special friend and if it were a bit more than friendship I would love that too, but bottom line is friends is great. If nothing works out I won't be looking for anyone else. It would break my heart if he found somebody to fully love so thank you, I will really try not to pin everything on him. I do have lots going on in my life and he knows that. Will keep making sure he knows he isn't my sole focus and will continue to mix with others on these walks. That can only help. Thanks to all again.

I think your attitude is very wise. Funny thing is, I was DEFINITELY not on the market for a relationship with my new guy, having been massively betrayed by my husband of 25 years just a few years prior.

The last thing I wanted was a serious relationship, or any kind of commitment. But it sort of snuck up on me, we fell in love, and the rest is history.
But I agree, we certainly don't need a relationship to be happy and fulfilled. I would have had a lovely life with just my wonderful friends, meaningful work, and my hobbies. To have found a sweetie is just the icing on the cake!

 

[Luvvinim]

Hi. An update. He did show up on the walk and he was as sweet as could be. There were things he said and did that he just wouldn't have done if he was just putting up with me. We both mixed with others all day, talking about lots of different things. Sensed he was gradually coming out of his shell. He seemed very comfortable all day. Still not sure if he really has AS but many of the characteristics he has shown ever since I have known him are classic signs, from what I have read anyway. Feel more confident about it all now. Not sure what anyone else here can do on this post but I have found it helpful to air my concerns and see what thoughts people have. Thank you all very much. It has helped me see my situation from different standpoints and helped me keep an open mind. Even if I never get those cuddles and kisses that I'm hoping for, he is still a very lovely man and a beautiful friend who I hope will stay around.