How to let go of people?

[the frog in the fog]

I'm in my early 20s so I'm still learning about how dating and all that stuff even works, but I'm wondering if it's common to have as much trouble letting go of people as I do.

I had a romantic thing going on with someone, which lasted only half a year, but now it's been almost two years since we parted and I still cry when being reminded of them and think about how things could have gone diffefently and wonder where they are now a lot. Could it have to do with autism that I'm having trouble in this area? Maybe the thing I do wrong is that I just cut off people completely, as if they were dead, instead of still maintaining a little bit of contact. Maybe it's that I try to force myself to be over someone too soon instead of allowing myself to go after this person.

 

[Judge]

I still think about those I lost more than 30 years ago. Though the one most painful aspect of such memories remains that back then neither myself or those with the relationships I had gave any thought to the possibility of being autistic.

Leaving me wondering had I known back then, would it have made any difference?

Yes, I think a lot of us ruminate about such losses in life.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I'm in my early 20s so I'm still learning about how dating and all that stuff even works, but I'm wondering if it's common to have as much trouble letting go of people as I do.

I had a romantic thing going on with someone, which lasted only half a year, but now it's been almost two years since we parted and I still cry when being reminded of them and think about how things could have gone diffefently and wonder where they are now a lot. Could it have to do with autism that I'm having trouble in this area? Maybe the thing I do wrong is that I just cut off people completely, as if they were dead, instead of still maintaining a little bit of contact. Maybe it's that I try to force myself to be over someone too soon instead of allowing myself to go after this person.

This is where I drop my glasses on the end of my nose, look at you over top of my glasses and say, "And what did you learn today?"

1. Always look at your past experiences and learn from them. Whatever happened is an opportunity to learn. Do not internalize your bad experiences and mistakes as "trauma" because it intellectually disables you to deal with similar experiences in the future. Gain some wisdom and try again.
2. When it comes around to dealing with a similar experience in the future, say to yourself, "Don't make the same mistake twice." Modify your approach. Gain some wisdom and try again.

If you've cut someone off completely, you're not likely to get them back. Chances are they've moved on. They aren't interested in getting hurt again, either. Water under the bridge. That ship has sailed. The train has left the station. Move on.

 

[Tom]

I don't think retaining feelings that long is very unusual. It was like that for me after breakups sometimes. I assume they broke up with you. I don't believe it a mistake to cut off completely. Maintaining contact usually just prolongs rather then shorten healing process. Only time I found that a friendship could replace a relationship was after both no longer had romantic feelings. Best remedy for missing someone I found was finding someone new. It can be casual or serious. I think best way to get something like this out of your mind is to put something else in.

 

[grommet]

It has been five years and I think about my ex girlfriend every day. Sometimes I dream about her. I also think about my girlfriend from 30 years ago. I do not stop loving someone. It is very hard. I do not think it is about autism but I do not know.

I do not miss any of the women I dated who I was not close to. I do not think about them.

 

[Aspychata]

I think about someone every day. It's been over, however l wish it never ended. I will be moving some distance away. But l know nothing will ever change my feelings. I miss the person. Because this was very much my type. The others were never my type so l don't think much about them.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Sometimes when I miss people, especially in these situations, it's more about what what the relationship represented to me. I don't miss the person so much as what the relationship gave me, such as acceptance, adventure, etc.

 

[SusanLR]

Sometimes when I miss people, especially in these situations, it's more about what what the relationship represented to me. I don't miss the person so much as what the relationship gave me, such as acceptance, adventure, etc.

Same for me.
I may hurt at the loss, but only for a short time, then I move on.
The romantic feelings disappear pretty quickly for me when they turn away.
I don't feel love lost when I think about someone from my past.
So, it is not so much the person as the experience and what I got from it.
I can talk about past relationships as a matter of fact without any feelings.

Even the loss of the person I've felt closest to in my life to death, my mom, I have often thought it wasn't so much her, as what we were to each other.
I felt loved, accepted as is and at 'home.'

I haven't found anyone else I can feel this comfortable with.
Losing those feelings have been the hardest for me and I do think of that everyday.

 

[paloftoon]

Maintaining no contact is healthy if you and/or the other person intend to break up and/or let go of each other. It might be normal for people on the spectrum not to be able to let go of things so easily. I do think that most NTs would be able to let go after about a year, although there are some more extreme cases where I have rarely heard of a person who has to wait just as long or about double the length of time they were in a relationship prior to let go or let go enough to start dating again.
If you think you might like the idea of being contacted again, maybe unblock so and so's number etc. but be prepared of how you would answer if you were contacted. I would suggest only meeting in-person in public places to start again if you have the chance to meetup with someone again after a break up occurred.

 

[Dagan]

Some of us have memories like an elephant or a steel trap, if you will. You are always going to recall the good, but you also can't forget the bad. It's easier then to get into a bit of depression and apprehension because you fear making the same mistakes ever again - you fear disappointing anyone else, and certainly fear disappointment yourself. Me, personally, I have never fully cut off someone (they are treated as dead to me) unless they have been completely awful to me, pestering me, not understanding time and space needed to even calm down, or just being someone who tried to control everything while also blaming me for literally everything that ever occurred they can think of. Such people are beyond overwhelming, so the only option is to just cut them off entirely. For lack of better explanation, you essentially have to teach them how you can / can't / will / will not be treated. I feel like everyone should do as much, though.

Most importantly, you are still learning and will continue to. Treating people however is one aspect, but there's the aspect of how our kind can / has to even process bad social interactions at all. We are just wired differently, all of us, and it just is what it is. People can learn or care to learn to respect this about each other...or they can just deal with it when one or the other can't handle anything and has to be alone for however long.

 

[the frog in the fog]

Thanks for all the answers.

I have a mutual friend with this ex love interest, and I wasn't aware of how good friends they are, but a few days ago I was over at said friend's place and within a collection of friends and family pictures, I saw pictures of them together. A while ago I would have had a much stronger reaction, but I still freaked out a little, just seeing their face again like that with no warning.

I agree on what has been said about missing what a relationship represented more than the person.

The cutting-off-or-not-cuttting-off question is tricky. I've done that with quite many people (whom I had relationships of various kinds with) simply because I always felt like there was no other way I could handle it. It. Life. Relationships. I'm getting better.

I could ask said friend to get me in touch with them. But I feel like that would just unnecessarily take a lot of energy. But also, maybe it would be nice, they're a great person.

I don't know man. To be figured out.

 

[paloftoon]

Thanks for all the answers.

I have a mutual friend with this ex love interest, and I wasn't aware of how good friends they are, but a few days ago I was over at said friend's place and within a collection of friends and family pictures, I saw pictures of them together. A while ago I would have had a much stronger reaction, but I still freaked out a little, just seeing their face again like that with no warning.

I agree on what has been said about missing what a relationship represented more than the person.

The cutting-off-or-not-cuttting-off question is tricky. I've done that with quite many people (whom I had relationships of various kinds with) simply because I always felt like there was no other way I could handle it. It. Life. Relationships. I'm getting better.

I could ask said friend to get me in touch with them. But I feel like that would just unnecessarily take a lot of energy. But also, maybe it would be nice, they're a great person.

I don't know man. To be figured out.

There are no easy answers and no rules. It's important that you prepare yourself (as much as possible) to be able to express your emotions and/or set your own boundaries given the circumstances. What's okay with the other person has to be okay with you, and in the manner in which you and the other person are communicating with each other.

 

[paloftoon]

Oh, to add, don't ask someone else to do something for you. If you have to consider that, then you know that it's not meant to be. You can let the person reach out to you, but if you were already not permitted or "not permitted" to reach out to said person, you need to close that chapter and look for other things to focus on. It is okay to unblock said person if you have them blocked but want contact with them now. But again, they could block you or have no interest in contacting you, and you have to be okay with anything that is not a "yes". Anything that is not directly a "yes", whether it's a "maybe", "I'm not sure", some other lame excuse means "no". If they keep pestering you with excuses after they gave an overflaky response, then you have a right to respond that you don't want to be bothered unless you are meeting them at a place you will already be at regardless if they are there or not.