How To Proceed With My Aspie?

[xDominiel]

There are numerous websites that discuss adult relationships between Aspies and NTs from the point of view of NTs rather than the point of view of Aspies. You might want to check them out before you make any further decisions.

I'd like to see some of these websites you are referring to. Got links?

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Hi all. Thank you so much for your responses. There has been significant developments since I wrote this post and I wanted to touch base with you and get some feedback.

Around January 24th, we had a big fight because he said something to me that deeply hurt my feelings. I realize he did not mean to but it really crossed a line. I flipped a lid and was sobbing; he was sobbing. It was a lengthy two day ordeal. We got past it by me sucking it up and understanding he didn't mean to hurt me he was just coming from a place of honesty and after I asked him a lot of honest questions: do you care about me? What are your feelings about me? Have you dated anyone since you met me? Etc etc.

Fast forward to a week and a half ago. I had been spending a night here and there at his apartment. Just watching movies, cuddling, kissing a little. It had been really nice. He was hungover from the night before and asked if we could stay in again. Same routine. The next morning when he went out to get us breakfast, I was changing the music on his computer from the couch and saw a text convo between him and another girl (which I then proceeded to read once I did see) about how he took her out on Friday. He wasn't out with his buddy. I flipped out and left without telling him why I was upset. We fought for over a week about it. His defenses were all the place: we're not in a relationship so can date whoever he wants. He went on a dating app because we had been fighting so much and he just wanted to go out with someone who wasn't mad at him. It had been two dates and they didn't even sleep together and he only kissed her once. He didn't owe any explanation. And round and round it went.

For me, I just wanted to be heard. Didn't he understand why my feelings were hurt? I was lied to multiple times. The girl slept in the bed the night before me! He took her out twice in one week, he doesn't like to do that with anyone because he hates going out. And he arranged a really nice evening for her.

And just when we almost hit a resolution of what I need to proceed, he would panic and start fighting again.

Ugh! Any suggestions?

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

I want to add that for at least four days over the course of last week we'd spend four hours a day fighting. We have sort of resolved things after we had a conversation where he explained he likes I really care about him but doesn't really I respect him and he doesn't think I listen to him. At the end of this though, I don't feel I feel I have anything personally resolved and don't feel any better about the situation. Also I've never even had a serious boyfriend invest that much time into resolving things

 

[Bolletje]

I would have an honest conversation at a neutral place.
Does he want to be with you, do you want to be with him?
What are the ground rules if you do decide to continue?
Will you two be mutually exclusive? I assume from your post that's the case, but it's something I'd make sure is absolutely clear to both of you.

Set some hard, non-negotiable limits for yourself beforehand. And like with any negotiation, see to it that you stick to those limits, but be prepared to concede in some lesser things. And see if the two of you can come to an agreement both of you can be happy with.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

That's the thing. He is dead set he does not want a relationship. Every time I threaten to walk, he freaks. I tried to say okay, let's just try to slide back into dating then (after all, we just had a big blow up fight its kind of hard to say you must now be my boyfriend after this). We had a good two hour relationship where I discussed what that would mean to me and he told me what he would need in terms of boundaries. Everything seemed cool and just as we were concluding it he started freaking out. Was like I can't do this right now you want a relationship and I can't be in a committed relationship. I wanted to tell him: I hate to tell you this, but we've practically been in one for months.

 

[Persephone_]

My Dear,

Honestly, go away ... I'm sorry to tell you in this openly. Normally I am the one saying that we have to try to the end. And for me, it seems you did it.

He told you more than once that he does not want a relationship (correct me if I understood it wrong). And if you stay around, will be too much comfortable for him, cause, if you stay, you agree with his statements.

Go away, if he really wants you and understand how special you are, he will go after you. And if that happens, you will negotiate this is a different way, stating that you will stay in a relationship, not in another status.

Dear, the person you must love more in this life is yourself. You seem to be young. Look for other things in life, friends, studies, travel. Believe me, if he loves you, he will go back. And give value to the woman you are, and how you are able to understand him. Now he is not giving value to that.

All this things you are telling me, doesn't seems to be just an AS issue. The guy may be imature also...

Sorry for my bitter 2 cents here... But you are hurting your self...

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Persephone, I don't think it's a bitter 2 cents at all. I really really appreciate it. I believe that may be what I should do too, and even told him that I need to stop talking to him unless he wanted to get more serious and he said in the future he could see that but not now (he has some insecurity issues with work he so claims) and then he tried to convince me to stick around. I went four days without talking to him and then tried to talk to him about a resolution (which is what I outlined above).

I think I'm just confused about why he would spend all this time negotiating all these things, all this time, all this acting as if he was in a relationship if he just doesn't care. But I get what you are saying (also I am 31, he is 32).

Finally, do you think I should totally walk away, or more so... drift? Stay mildly in contact with him, leave the door open a crack for future contact but not stay as invested as I am now? I just don't know how to go about this without totally breaking my own heart.

 

[paloftoon]

Persephone, I don't think it's a bitter 2 cents at all. I really really appreciate it. . . .

Finally, do you think I should totally walk away, or more so... drift? Stay mildly in contact with him, leave the door open a crack for future contact but not stay as invested as I am now? I just don't know how to go about this without totally breaking my own heart.

hmm, I think for your own sake if nothing else, it's worth a shot at platonic friendship. Could you still be around him and no longer have an urge to be romantic though? If so, this may be worth offering on the table. Otherwise, it may be best to walk away unless he initiates. Focus on other activities and friends and bettering yourself.

 

[Bolletje]

I would walk away completely for now, especially because you spend your time in a sort-of-but-not-quite-relationship limbo. Walk away and let your feelings fade. Cut off contact for a bit. If he acts like you said, pulling you back in when you threaten to leave, don't let him. That's just keeping you on the hook and that's not fair to you.
If at some point in the future he decides he does want a relationship with you and is ready to fully commit to that, fine, but you shouldn't wait around for him to change his mind. It's demeaning to you.

 

[HelpNeededinNYC]

Argh guys I don't know what to do! I feel like we're in not a good place anyway because we just spent a week of arguing and fighting and he's looking at me in not a good way right now.

 

[Persephone_]

My Dear,

ad just as Bolletje said above, I would walk away completely.

I know it will really hurt in the beginning, but it will be best for you. Some people have to loose completely what they got to understand the value of it.

And I agree, he seems to keep you "on the hook", that's too convenient for him...

You are on a huge great city, I am not american, but I know NYC. Open your self for new things, and stay away from him. Be direct why you are going away, and that you don't want to talk to him for a long time. You need space now, you want something HE can't offer you.

I wish you strength and calm in your heart. Sometimes time is the healer...

 

[Persephone_]

Argh guys I don't know what to do! I feel like we're in not a good place anyway because we just spent a week of arguing and fighting and he's looking at me in not a good way right now.

You know what you need...... just walk away for sometime...

 

[girlwonders]

You need to do some serious thinking....
Speaking as a woman who **really really** has been there, you need to answer a few questions about weather or not this is the man for you, or, if you are just comfortable with him and dont really want to go through the work of getting to know someone else.

I assume you are looking for a life partner, so let me throw some scenario's at you. Assume that you guys are together, and life is clipping along and the inevitable life things happen. Your mother dies - is he *really* there for you, or is he avoiding the sadness withdrawn into himself? You get an illness, and need his support and strength - does he have the strength to care for you? You unexpectedly get pregnant, does he freak out and hide making your miserable hormonal self even more miserable and hormonal and worried about having to carry, deliver, and raise a child on your own or is he there, rolling with the punches, holding your hair while you throw up and helping you get out of chairs?

Sure, you may not plan on ANY of these events happening - but they happen. That is what makes life the interesting, crazy, ride it is. Can he be the man that stands beside you, or, are you spending a lot of your time doing emotional housekeeping for him? As strong as you are, I guaranteeeeeeeeee you there will come a time when you just need him to be strong and present. I am certain that some Aspie's can certainly rise to the occasion - but - I think - More often than not there will be the added struggle to any of these life things on account of his inability to deal with things the way you want, or need him to.

Seriously, get on plenty o fish, or match or some other dating thing and start dating. Meet new potential men in your life. Go have fun. Let this relationship simmer on the back burner. If he is the kind of guy that can handle life with you, he will be the kind of guy to not let you get away.

Good luck. I feel for you. Truly.

 

[girlwonders]

Also do some googling on attachment disorders in Adults. Its quite eye opening - You may find, as i have, that this issue is not just your aspies problem. Sounds like you both might have insecure attachments and it take some work and self discovery to work through these.

Love is a funny thing in that it brings up childhood issues. Always. until you work through the junk left over from childhood, you will struggle in any relationship weather it is with an aspie, or someone else.

 

[Rich Gray]

Ask him to make a list of the traits that he would like in a mate, ordered by priority. Then see what items you tick-off, and what items you do not tick-off. This may help you see if he considers you a potential mate.

People do not tend to get all the items that they have listed on such lists.

 

[Rich Gray]

I'm really worried, and I think someone mentioned this earlier, that some of the things he says, that I translate as him expressing his feelings to me, are nothing at all. Like I'm reading into things. And I don't know what to do about this...

The first thing I told my NT wife when we started dating was that I do not understand all the dating games. I would think it would be likely that he does not as well.

He is interested in you for several possible reasons. (1) You are a girl, (2) he finds you attractive, (3) you have sex with him, (4) he likely finds you intelligent and interesting to talk to.
"I do not understand the question" is something I likely say more often than someone who is NT. Mostly when someone is inferring a request.

"I do not understand the intent of your words. In order to better understand your intent, please elaborate." Neutral, and inquisitive reaction. Besides I would imagine most people would enjoy elaborating about their ideas.

"I would like to know the intent, meaning, or motivation behind those words" could be a good way to ask him to tell you what his motives are.

 

[Rich Gray]

The thing about being too sensitive seems confusing to me.

[1] He should know that some things could come off as unwelcome. I once told my wife that her underwear looks comfortable. To me this is a compliment. Clothing should be comfortable. This is not something a women evidently wants to hear.

[2] Let him know that you agree with the premise that dating is how one finds a mate. It is like an interviewing process. Dating is not all or nothing. Meeting you halfway to agree to date, does not mean you are going to get married.

[3] Let him know that you are an NT (neurologically typical . . . neuro typical), and may attach emotional connotations to words that he may be oblivious to. This is just who you are, and you will try to work on your <his name> interpersonal communication skills. You two see some words differently . . . like an ink blot test.

[4] Let him know that you know that he has Asperger's Syndrome. You need to meet him half-way, and he needs to meet you half-way communicating, as your brains are different.

 

[Annieoh]

Thank you for your deep and well-thought out response. I do think he's very self-aware. He wasn't aware of his autism to much later on in life so maybe that has something to do with it. I am willing to take things very slow, extremely slow, but I just don't want this push and pull. That's what hurts.

If I KNEW they COULD change in time, I'd be more than happy to keep going in these murky waters.

There is nothing he could tell me that could deter me from how I feel. No one is without their faults. His strengths (his kindness, intelligence and honesty) outweigh everything else. I do truly care about him. I know this. And I know he cares about me. But if this is going to be a state of limbo forever, I just don't know what to do, how to proceed....

Yes... the push and pull was what destroyed me. I wish i could understand.
It is so painful and confusing.

 

[Annieoh]

Hello
From experience - and out of respect to both of you, if one partner states clearly that they are not ready for a relationship, it's not your job to persuade them otherwise - and you run a very real risk of getting hurt.
I would suggest that it doesn't matter why he doesn't want a relationship - what matters is that you have fundamentally different requirements.
If a man (or a woman) warns that they may hurt you, it's a very good reason to run the other way, even if (and perhaps especially if) his or her presence is making you feel wonderful at the moment.
Have you been honest with him and said you want a relationship? It's clearly making you feel uncomfortable at the moment and rightly so - this guy knows how he's been in previous relationships and is trying to protect you. I would listen to him and do what it takes to respect yourself and your own needs.
It's very easy to get swept up in the romance and wonder of early love but I would take extreme care....

Ask me how I know!

I agree fully. I did not listen.