How to tell my friend that I have feelings for him?.

[Judge]

Right, well sometimes, you might not know until you actually ask directly.
That's the best way to go in this case.

But what is "the case" ? You or the other person may never know. Which is my point.

In my own case, I never really "dated" much of anyone. Mostly I made friends who in certain circumstances became much more than that. In those instances I outright sidestepped so many of those ritual dating mysteries and concerns altogether.

We'll just have to agree to disagree.

 

[paloftoon]

But what is "the case" ? You or the other person may never know. Which is my point.

In my own case, I never really "dated" much of anyone. Mostly I made friends who in certain circumstances became much more than that. In those instances I outright sidestepped so many of those ritual dating mysteries and concerns altogether.

We'll just have to agree to disagree.

Great question!
If you don't know, the best thing to do when/if you can is:
1. Ask in-person 1-1, directly
2. Tell that person you have trouble reading social cues and apologize if there were social hints showing rejection, and then ask in-person 1-1, directly

For you to "know" which cases work and which don't come from experience. If you're never sure, always go with #2 then in any case. If that person doesn't like your approach with #2, then that person was not for you.

 

[Judge]

Great question!
If you don't know, the best thing to do when/if you can is:
1. Ask in-person 1-1, directly
2. Tell that person you have trouble reading social cues and apologize if there were social hints showing rejection, and then ask in-person 1-1, directly

For you to "know" which cases work and which don't come from experience. If you're never sure, always go with #2 then in any case. If that person doesn't like your approach with #2, then that person was not for you.

To be quite honest, with most of the women I had relationships with, I'm pretty sure had I asked #1 or 2 they would have been put off with me. Though in the case of another, they made the first move which surprised me to no end. Go figure.

 

[Fino]

I agree that physical contact isn't appropriate as a means of investigating whether or not someone likes you. The fear of the first kiss is in instances of dating. "At the end of the date, do I kiss her," sort of thing. Not a friend you like and not sure if they like you.

I also agree that asking permission to kiss or make other contact isn't the best and off-putting (to me), except in certain circumstances, such as if the person is aware the other person has an issue with touching or sex or something.

 

[AspieLadyUK]

I'm not sure if I have done the right thing, but he posted some pictures of himself recently on Facebook. Others had put that he looks handsome on them, so that i agree that he looks handsome, and said that he still looks the same. Do you think he will know that I like him now?. We are supposed to be meeting up this Friday, so I hope I won't have ruined things by saying that. Maybe I haven't ruined it, as we have made arrangements tonight for Friday. He is staying in a hotel just around the corner from where I live. It is also a restaurant. We will be having a meal in there and then going to watch a band, and then maybe going to another club. I am nervous, but I am also looking forward to it. It's hard to decide whether to just say that i like him as more than a friend and then ask how he feels, or maybe also tell him that I think it's good that we both have autism and we can support each other. I don't know how to ask how he feels?. Also, I would ask someone first before I kiss them. Or do you think I should think of humourous comments to make to show that I am interested?. When you say you think he is interested, do you mean he could be attracted to me?. One other thing that I am wondering about is he wrote a comment on one of our mutual female friends pictures on Facebook today, saying that she looked fantastic, and put a "like" on other peoples comments about her pictures. He has only put "likes" on my pictures, but hasn't commented on them. If that means anything?. I like the idea of telling him that I find it hard to read social cues.

 

[Mary Lyn]

You could ask him if Friday will be a date in a joking sort of way. If it is then you can assume that he is romantically interested and just let things develop or not without asking him to play his cards. You can let him know you like him in all sorts of ways like giving him a big smile when you meet.

 

[AspieLadyUK]

There is something else I just remembered. Someone tagged him and another lady in a post on Facebook about winning a meal for 2 for Valentines Day. I'm not sure if she tagged them both so that they could have the meal together, or if they were tagged to try to win the meal separately with other people. She is friends with both of them. I wondered whether to write a humourous comment underneath that post?. Also, I am not sure whether to tell him how I feel when we are having the meal ( it will be quiet there, but if I get rejected, it might ruin the rest of the night ), but, there might not be much chance to talk in the clubs. We might be able to dance though. It would be good to make a humourous comment about being on a date with him. I always wonder what it means when he smiles and winks at me. He does that every time he sees me.

 

[AspieLadyUK]

It's the big day tomorrow .

 

[paloftoon]

You could ask him if Friday will be a date in a joking sort of way. If it is then you can assume that he is romantically interested and just let things develop or not without asking him to play his cards. You can let him know you like him in all sorts of ways like giving him a big smile when you meet.

Asking to "date in a joking sorta way" sounds fake and superficial.
If not, it seem immature, overly timid, and crass.
If you feel like you want to go on a date, you should intend to go on a date and be ready to be refused at any time. At the same time, you should be able to say "no" if you feel it will not work out for you either.
Just be direct. Don't play "games." Too many people play "games" and it's not cool. I know that wasn't the intention of the prior post, but doing something like that comes across like that for most people.

 

[AspieLadyUK]

I want the ground to swallow me up

 

[Mary Lyn]

Asking to "date in a joking sorta way" sounds fake and superficial.
If not, it seem immature, overly timid, and crass.
If you feel like you want to go on a date, you should intend to go on a date and be ready to be refused at any time. At the same time, you should be able to say "no" if you feel it will not work out for you either.
Just be direct. Don't play "games." Too many people play "games" and it's not cool. I know that wasn't the intention of the prior post, but doing something like that comes across like that for most people.

What a load of rubbish. The OP is in this position because she did not get things off on the right foot - knowing if they were dating or not, and instead of pushing him to reveal his feeli9ngs she needs to get it straight whether he sees it as dating or not, and the easiest way is to say it lightly without putting pressure on him.

 

[pumpkin]

It’s Saturday now and I’m just reading these posts and wondering how your Friday night went? Did you open up to him about how you feel?

I agree that from your original post it does sound like he’s into you. The comments he’s made on other female’s Facebook are confusing.. but you can never know what was intended by it so I try not to pay too much attention to social media (easier said than done, I know!). People can put forward a very different version of themselves on social media than they would do in real life.

If I were you I would tell him that I really enjoy spending time with him and like him as more than a friend. I’m pretty direct when I like someone (which isn’t that often) and it’s gone both ways. I tend to bring it up via text. Usually they return the feelings but one time a friend said he was flattered but sorry he didn’t see it like that, and then we both just got on with it I did feel embarrassed/mortified for a little while but then it didn’t ruin or affect our friendship at all. So I hope that gives you some comfort.

 

[AspieLadyUK]

It was awful. Another female friend of his turned up later in the night. When we were sat in a group, he was sat in the middle of us and he turned his back to me and turned to her. It made me uncomfortable and I got upset. At one point though, he rubbed my arm and asked if I was ok. Later, we all went in another bar, and I got the courage to tell him how I felt. He mentioned about being friends. I then told a female friend of mine about it, and she spoke to him about it and then we all had a chat together. I couldn't realky understand what he meant, but he told me that it doesn't seem like I have much confidence and that because I am fragile, he wouldn't want to risk getting romantically involved in case I got hurt. He also said that he thought I was paranoid of his female friends. I said that wasn't the case, and that's just how autism affects me in groups of people that I don't know. He also quoted the Spice Girls song, "Wannabe", by saying "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends". He said that people need time to get to know each other before they get involved, but also said that I might meet someone else. It all sounds very confusing to me. Not sure if I have missed anything out. It's all a blur at the moment. I will add it here if I remember anything else. I wonder if I read the signals wrong, the winking etc?. Should I carry on hanging around with him and texting him or should I stop talking to him for now?.

 

[AspieLadyUK]

Anyone have any advice?.

 

[paloftoon]

It was awful. Another female friend of his turned up later in the night. When we were sat in a group, he was sat in the middle of us and he turned his back to me and turned to her. It made me uncomfortable and I got upset. At one point though, he rubbed my arm and asked if I was ok. Later, we all went in another bar, and I got the courage to tell him how I felt. He mentioned about being friends. I then told a female friend of mine about it, and she spoke to him about it and then we all had a chat together. I couldn't realky understand what he meant, but he told me that it doesn't seem like I have much confidence and that because I am fragile, he wouldn't want to risk getting romantically involved in case I got hurt. He also said that he thought I was paranoid of his female friends. I said that wasn't the case, and that's just how autism affects me in groups of people that I don't know. He also quoted the Spice Girls song, "Wannabe", by saying "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends". He said that people need time to get to know each other before they get involved, but also said that I might meet someone else. It all sounds very confusing to me. Not sure if I have missed anything out. It's all a blur at the moment. I will add it here if I remember anything else. I wonder if I read the signals wrong, the winking etc?. Should I carry on hanging around with him and texting him or should I stop talking to him for now?.

He only wants to be platonic friends at the most. He didn't want to say it directly because he felt it was hurt your feelings too much. If someone is really interested in you back, generally, they try to get to know you first at least a little, and usually 1-1. Then, maybe after the 3rd - 6th date, you and them start to get to know each others' friends too. Every potential couple and situation can be different, but those are some general guidelines that you can consider.