How to tell SO that he is Aspie

[Jox]

Hi all,

I self diagnosed my SO that he's on spectrum. The steps I took afterwards:
- watched YouTube videos.
- did some reserch on Google
- for the first time i asked him about most obvious traits he has and ones i could now identify that were strange for me before. He responded positive on all, and I tried not to be threatening.
- I told him that most people have there's brains wired in one way and fewer have like his, wired in different way, and that's neirological situation but not psychiatric. He identify with all questions... especially with small talk being biring where he chuckled.

But now what?
- I'm not sure i found videos that will make sense... Also his English is good but we'll have to go through few concepts and acronyms that were new to me too...
- watching these videos stressed me out as NT, since I identify with some aspects, of course I'm not, but if it was stressful for me, I imagine it would be that much more for him...
- therapy in India is possible, yet we are in smaller place, there is University hospital, and other large institutions, not sure it's an option right now.

I see him greatly suffer due to life condition in general, but in particular he's spending abnormal amount of energy in actions he think people expect from him, that are completely usless in reality, result he's looking depressed, ehausted...
Just to add that he's high functioning, that compared to non functioning, realistically he's quite limited to what he can actually do, especially he has no ability to cooperate with other people when making descisions.

I see the situation somewhat critical.

What would you suggest I do.
Thanks all Jox

 

[Human Avatar]

What is SO?

 

[Jox]

Significant other

 

[Mr. Stevens]

That sounds very tough. Maybe it would help to keep the focus on his struggles and needs, rather than being different? If he's struggling now, it may also help to talk about the future. For me, it's become harder to imagine the next week or month of work, let alone decades before retirement. Discussing diagnosis as a form of help, rather than separation from people, is probably the best course. He can find a whole community of people like him, rather than seeing it as a mark of inferiority.

I never had a problem accepting Autism, myself--I was diagnosed less than a year ago--but did have to accept a lot of language I disagree with as part of the diagnosis. I could do that because I was struggling so much. I also spent about 7 years questioning whether I was Autistic, or putting off diagnosis due to bad experiences with specialists. But, I wish I got diagnosed sooner. That's something else he might want to consider, too.

I'd keep it light, emphasize concern, and make it clear this was meant to help. Focus on his needs/happiness more than the label. Then give him space to decide.

 

[Human Avatar]

Significant other

ok thank you

 

[Darkkin]

Has anyone else questioned the ethical veracity of 'SELF DIAGNOSING' another person? It literally cannot happen because the individual the presumtive diagnosis is being made about has not been given the chance to voice their opinion, insight, experience, and context to said assumption.

It removes the individual from the equation treating the 'self' as a nonentity and infantilizes their rights and ability to make decisions about their health. Basically one person's assumption minimizes the affected individual because said individual has not been given the chance to advocate from themself.

How we use words is just as important as how we use and present information we accrue from our experiences.

His context and reactions are the ones that are the most critical, as any form of diagnosis, professional or self will start with him.

Taking the power of choice away from the individual is truly one of the harshest things anyone can do to a competent individual. No matter how alturistic the intentions, such actions can have truly devestating consequences to those at the center of the storm.

True acceptance of an individual starts with respecting the individual.
Situationally most relationship posts are dealing with people who have a partner who has acknowledged the autism factor. In this case that acknowledgement or verification of the neurotype is the subject of the discussion and only one perspective has been presented.

Start with the individual and get their input on a true SELF DIAGNOSIS and proceed from there, whether it is altering a routine to accomodate things like sensory needs or seeking formal diagnosis or therapy. Talk with a GP and look at family history, etc.

The ball is in his court, until the possibility of autism is reconciled with both partners there is not much advice that can be effectively offered except patience and support.

 

[Storm Hess]

Many therapists and psychiatrists say that you others that 'are not qualified' should NOT try to diagnose other people. It could lead to complications of unnecessary anxiety (as in my case) etc. I don't think you should be trying to diagnose him...rather, maybe interject..."This is my opinion, but maybe you should think about getting a proper diagnosis for ASD. You seem to have attributes that line up with ASD...maybe a diagnosis would answer more of the questions we have." Telling someone that they're Autistic without a proper diagnosis may have adverse affects. IMHO, drop the subject until your SO decides to investigate himself.

Love and care help the most when you have no other avenue.

Just my opion.

 

[Tom]

Does he agree that he may have ASD? If so, perhaps the next step would be him seeking a diagnosis. That would answer some questions and maybe open up some doors to getting professional assistance (ie. therapy, possibly medications if he has any treatible comorbids like anxiety/depression).

 

[Aspychata]

Or you possibly could say you remind me of someone who has ASD. Do you think it might be interesting to read up on this?
Curious to know what you think.

Then you have opened the door for his self
- discovery. I found out that l fall into ASD by trying to figure out this about someone l really care for. We can only open the door to others regarding what we think, it's truly up to them if they wish to delve further. That's not our choice to make.

 

[Rodafina]

It seems like you are being thoughtful and that you do care about your partner, so please know that I offer this for information, and nothing else.

We see posts like this here, somewhat often, and I feel very strongly every single time…

If anyone had told me that I was autistic, it would’ve been disastrous for both of us and they would’ve robbed me of a very important journey of self discovery. My journey of self discovery re-introduced me to wanting to live.

Every relationship is unique, but I would advise caution when “diagnosing” another. Regardless of what you see, the experience on the inside for this other person could be something that you don’t quite understand, or that we don’t always know the words for.

 

[Human Avatar]

You have to somehow , let him identify it himself first . There are many things that can look Like Autism within the scope of the spectrum, PTSD , Bipolar , ADHD , Depression, dyslexia, etc etc etc , or even be part of the spectrum it’s self .

This is a where a professional who specializes in Adult Autism is important. To make sure it is not something else. Because he made need therapy or even medications .

Even within the medical community across the globe Autism can go
Misdiagnosed or undiagnosed when Doctors don’t know what they are doing . This is a very common issue. This can ruin someone’s life .

Is something about his personality hurting your relationship? If so that could be an opportunity for him to connect the dots . But I stress let him find out . Some how he has to recognize it first. If not this can go horribly wrong for him and you .

With a child it is much different it’s the parents job to help them and recognize they need diagnosis and help them get the help they need.

With an adult this is a
Much different situation.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Autism is a continuum, so an amateur making a diagnosis would be tricky, I am Self diagnosed, it explains a lot and even now would not seek a professional diagnosis, the last thing I would accept would be a spouse or friend. telling me I was on the spectrum labels do have consequences. just as words have do.

 

[Crossbreed]

Has anyone else questioned the ethical veracity of 'SELF DIAGNOSING' another person?

As long as her responses are considerate and accommodating,* it should be no more invasive than self-diagnosis.

*If she is incorrect, her accommodations may not be effective, but I cannot think of any accommodation for autism that would offend a non-autistic person.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

The real trick is where is the line having worked with colour for 40 years where does red end and orange begin, they are different colours. I Used numbers to define the colour slowly smear from one to the other as visually the human eye cannot discern the difference, I Used a difference from a standard which the customer agreed is the correct colour and SPC the difference to control colour. as long as the colour was what the customer wanted the name meant nothing just something the sales guys cared about. I used a cmc of 0.5 so the 0.5 is absolute but you can make it as accurate as you want just add more zeros.

 

[Darkkin]

As long as her responses are considerate and accommodating,* it should be no more invasive than self-diagnosis.

*If she is incorrect, her accommodations may not be effective, but I cannot think of any accommodation for autism that would offend a non-autistic person.

It isn't about how nicely a speculative 'diagnosis' is presented to an individual, or that the observation may actually prove to be right. It is the assumption itself.

I'm speaking from a very personal standpoint. When I was in college I was diagnosed with a severe chronic illness HFHC (Homozygous variant, drug resistant). Long term survival was less than 10% at that time.

I was diagnosed by one of the top specialists of this disease, and my was one of the most complex cases he had dealt with. My treatment plan included apheresis every ten days. As much as it sucked it kept me alive.

I was 21 years old, and had been dropped by a cardiac infarction at 19. Things weren't getting any better, but they also weren't getting any worse. I was okay maintaining the status quo. My mom wasn't okay with it. She has the same disorder, but a much milder form that responded well to medication and apheresis.

My mom is one of the people I truly love and respect most in the world. Her opinion carries a lot of weight with me because she is an RN who holds an MA. She is a very astute lady.

One day I got a voicemail on my phone asking me to call such and such doctor's office. I called to find out what it was about. Come to find out my mom had spoken to another doctor about my case and scheduled an appointment without telling me or informing me in any way. To say I was upset was an understatement. I didn't speak to my mom for nearly six months other than one very politely worded email outlining why I was upset.

This was my disease, my body, my life, my medical history and I was not consulted. When I informed their scheduler that legally they could not schedule an appointment for any individual over the age of 18 without the permission of said individual they apologized and ceased contact at my request. My mom's only motive was to help me, but she violated my privacy and my trust by going behind my back instead of bringing up the possibility of getting a second opinion.

I knew way more about my case than my mom did and how I responded to different treatments because it was my reality, not hers. I was an adult with a college degree and I was being treated as if I were a child, incapable of making an informed decision about my disease.

My decision to continue with my current doctor and treatment proved to be the right option. I also brought up the situation with my doctor and asked his opinion on the other physician. Turns out the guy claimed apheresis was only a stop gap, that finding the right combination of heavy duty medications with pretty significant side effects was the way to go.

I qualified for the PCSK-9 clinical trials (something my current doctor found and advocated for) and shockingly enough the drug worked because it bypassed my resistance to oral medications.

I have EDS with cardiac and gastrointestinal tissue involvement. I simply do not absorb and process most medications in a normal fashion. Until the advent of the PCSK-9s there was no cholesterol medication that worked. The lipids needed to be physically removed from my bloodstream.

Decisions involving physical and mental health start with the individual not with an armchair expert deciding someone has a condition because of some YouTube videos.

I love my mom and consider her one of the strongest people I know, but it took time for me to forgive such a beech of privacy. I maintained radio silence until I could discuss the issue reasonably. The first time I saw her again after the incident, I set a very clear boundary. My relationship with my mom is much better because of that boundary. We are also much more open with our communication.


Sorry about the novel, but the point is that when someone you love excludes you from a decision that involves something as intimate as your physical or mental health, it can really hurt.

My mom's heart was in the right place, but she neglected to take my input into account, very much like 'self diagnosing' someone else.

Acceptance of a possibility of being on the spectrum starts with the individual, as it is their neurotype, their consciousness, their reality, not their SOs.

It is a bit like seeing someone living with an anxiety disorder, but not having one yourself. You can recognize the traits, and empathize to certain extent, but you are not living in their daily reality.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

You nailed it, well said. Like a previous thread words have consequence irrespective of free speech until you get charged with libel.

 

[Rodafina]

As long as her responses are considerate and accommodating,* it should be no more invasive than self-diagnosis.

I’m having trouble understanding this. It feels much more invasive to me. Self diagnosis is not invasive at all, it comes from within.

Someone else diagnosing another is something directed from the outside in… that is an invasion. I think it is entirely invasive to diagnose somebody else.

An invasion into my mind without all the correct information because they do not live there is something that would end a relationship for me.

 

[Crossbreed]

@Darkkin, I understand, but suspecting autism and trying to improve communications accordingly, in my book, is not the same thing as changing one's therapy of a physical nature.

It is "black box" analysis with no down side. Trial & error. It might help and it cannot hurt.

 

[Crossbreed]

If all she does is

1. speak to him more directly &
2. help him with seemingly missed social cues,

she has done no harm.

 

[Darkkin]

Autism is a profoundly stigmatized diagnosis and there are a lot of people not ready or willing to accept that they could be autistic. They see it as a weakness, a disease, that needs to be erradicated or cured. Look at the Autism Speaks mission statement...and they are the largest autism collective in the US. It is the prevailing preception of thr neurotype. A disease and a disability.

It is going to have an impact because it is a chronic condition with limited treatment options.