How to tell SO that he is Aspie

[Darkkin]

If all she does is

1. speak to him more directly &
2. help him with seemingly missed social cues,

she has done no harm.

She armchair diagnosed him on a public forum...what happens if and when he finds out? There will be an impact and a decent probability of harm.

 

[Rodafina]

If all she does is

1. speak to him more directly &
2. help him with seemingly missed social cues,

she has done no harm.

---

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How to tell SO that he is Aspie​

I self diagnosed my SO that he's on spectrum.

These two statements are already harmful. If my significant other posted this, I would be absolutely crushed. I think that is why we are telling OP to beware.

OP, it’s good of you to ask, I’m sorry if my message sounds harsh. But you came here to find out the perspectives of autistic people, so this is one perspective. Not everyone will feel this way.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

@Darkkin, I understand, but suspecting autism and trying to improve communications accordingly, in my book, is not the same thing as changing one's therapy of a physical nature.

It is "black box" analysis with no down side. Trial & error. It might help and it cannot hurt.

But the thing is that multiple people have already mentioned that it very much does have a down side (lack of agency) and can hurt (losing trust, withdrawal).

I think it is alright to raise the possibility and discuss it, but I don't agree with "handing him your diagnosis". I also remember that in @Jox's original threads, people did not all agree on him when she asked something similar.

Both my mother and ex discussed this with me, and in both cases I was... Pretty resistant. Like other people have said, it's really something you need to see in yourself. I actually got annoyed with my ex when she kept pushing it. Later, she told me that it was mainly for her sake, as knowing about the neurotype would help her work around it and know what to expect, but I also felt like I had said how I think and what I dislike multiple times, and didn't see why I needed the autism "stamp" to be taken seriously and listened to.

 

[Darkkin]

An autism diagnosis is often viewed as detrimental to individuals and their families as a cancer diagnosis. Read the biographies, the interviews, listen to the perspectives of not only the autistic, but their families and friends. It impacts how people see and treat you.

Within the nonautistic population, people's minds often jump to the stereotypes powered by the media and organizations like Autism Speaks.

The fact that this thread is on a very good forum really speaks well of the OP, but HOW the situation was approached has a decent probability of having a negative impact on those involved.

It is not the suspected autistic who is saying, 'I think I may be autistic...' He is not the one pursuing the information, she is.

Clearly both are not on the same page and that is something only they can resolve. We have zero context from him, we have secondary source information, outside looking in, not primary source (the actual individual). Therein rests the key factor. It is his neurotype, his struggle, his to accept or ignore, not hers.

Autism is an everyday state and affects every aspect of one's life. And accepting it is like eating an elephant. It can take decades for people to come to terms with the condition. Some never will and just because autism is an invisible diagnosis doesn't make it any less challenging to face.

 

[Rodafina]

I think it is alright to raise the possibility and discuss it

It is always good to look at things from every angle possible, because each of us is totally different, so I think you are right here to keep an open mind. If I was to offer actual advice, I think it would be to echo part of Mr. Stevens comment and leave autism out of it all together. If there are things that are difficult in a relationship, focus on those things, and not this overarching diagnostic thinking:

Maybe it would help to keep the focus on his struggles and needs, rather than being different?

Focus on his needs/happiness more than the label.

 

[Darkkin]

Definitely discuss the possibility of autism, but it needs to be simply that a discussion of what it might be, not: Hey, you're autistic...

Assumption is something that is inherent to human nature, it is one of the most ancient features of our minds. It originated as a survival mechanism. As such, it is one of our most basic and unconscious reactions. Deer checking that instantaneous behaviour takes conscious effort to override.

People need to learn to question their assumptions, and it is something very few of us actively do.

A better approach might be to present an idea in the form of a question.

e.g.

How do you effectively discuss the possibility of autism?

A source on scripted resources might be something that can eventually be added to the forum's resources.

It is truly amazing how many people don't know how to have an objective discussion. Want someone to start considering something bring up the subject in conversation.

e.g.

I came across an interesting interview of an autistic on YouTube today. Have you seen (insert media)?

Many, many times other divergents will hear the chorus of their neurotribe in the interviews, books, and articles. It can often pique an interest and get them doing research.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

It is always good to look at things from every angle possible, because each of us is totally different, so I think you are right here to keep an open mind. If I was to offer actual advice, I think it would be to echo part of Mr. Stevens comment and leave autism out of it all together. If there are things that are difficult in a relationship, focus on those things, and not this overarching diagnostic thinking:

The reason I said it was alright to mention it is because the poster already has autism on her mind and has been thinking about it for months at this point. To me, honesty and respectfulness are the two most important parts of a relationship. At this point, I think her boyfriend deserves to know what is on her mind, especially as it has likely influenced how she has treated him (even if subtly). However, she should do it respectfully, have an open mind and be humble. I completely agree with what @Darkkin said in her latest post. Actually questioning your assumption, and not assuming you are right by default would be an enormous boon.

In my own reply, I mentioned how the consistent pushing of my ex aggravated me instead of helping, specifically because I like to be in control and understood as my own person. While she was honest about her suspicions, she was not honest regarding her motivation. Really think about it. Why does it matter to you that he "accepts" that he's (in your opinion) autistic? I think listening to what he actually has to say is much more important than the autism stuff.

 

[Rodafina]

@Stuttermabolur,

I understand you better now. I also think what you wrote here is really important and I hadn’t thought of it…

The reason I said it was alright to mention it is because the poster already has autism on her mind and has been thinking about it for months at this point. To me, honesty and respectfulness are the two most important parts of a relationship. At this point, I think her boyfriend deserves to know what is on her mind, especially as it has likely influenced how she has treated him (even if subtly).

 

[Darkkin]

Complex subjects like mental health and neurotypes need time to sublimate.

From a personal standpoint bringing up different topics relating to psychology at family gatherings has certainly helped our divergent tribe acknowledge and accept we are divergent. A whole lot of ADHD and some ASD.

By having an open ended discussion we have multiple family members doing reading and contributing facts and observations. The subject has lost it stigmata within our family and has paved the way for much greater understanding for the younger generations.

It isn't weird, it is just a trait like the colour of one's eyes. The acceptance of hereditary divergence has helped in identifying traits of the different neurotypes. We know what to look for and have tools a lot of families don't.

 

[Jordy]

How exactly does a person with autism not realize that something is wrong? It's probably denial. If he understands what autism is, and actually has it, deep down somewhere he's going to know he has it.

 

[Crossbreed]

She armchair diagnosed him on a public forum...what happens if and when he finds out? There will be an impact and a decent probability of harm.

But the thing is that multiple people have already mentioned that it very much does have a down side (lack of agency) and can hurt (losing trust, withdrawal).

I think it is OP's way to say that she suspects he is ASD1. It is not an official diagnosis, just like self-diagnosis is not such.

People's minds jump to the stereotypes powered by the media and organizations like Autism Speaks.

If you have read my past posts, you know that I do not align myself with Autism Speaks, but rather US Autism Assoc. & Autism Society of America. Neither seeks a "cure" for autism.
https://autlanders.blogspot.com/2019/07/finding-support-resources-in-usa.html

 

[Darkkin]

I think it is OP's way to say that she suspects he is ASD1. It is not an official diagnosis, just like self-diagnosis is not such.

If you have read my past posts, you know that I do not align myself with Autism Speaks, but rather US Autism Assoc. & Autism Society of America. Neither seeks a "cure" for autism.
https://autlanders.blogspot.com/2019/07/finding-support-resources-in-usa.html

No one said anything about anyone aligning themselves with Autism Speaks at any point (please credit members of this community with having some tact), again this a key feature being missed. It is completely objective discussion point aimed at no one, illustrating what the stereotypes are. Realistic assumption is that people is indicative of the general population, not active members of a hyperspecific intentional community. Assumption of association, don't make a factual observation into a personal slight that was never made. People's is one of the broadest and vague categorizations of the general population. Apparently it wasn't vague enough or hyperspecific enough. It has now been edited for clarification.

Within the general NT population resources like those you provide are not well known nor is ASD understood. Google algorithms and mainstream media prove this. The stigmata and cure culture are still prevailing attitudes. And while things are improving as our knowledge grows, true understanding and acceptance are fairly rare outside the autistic community, a community that is made up of less than 2% of the population worldwide.

You ask a random person on the street and they will likely come up with Big Bang Theory, Rain Man, Bones, or Autism Speaks because they don't have experience with ASD outside of media portrails. People revert to stereotypes to build context in an attempt to make sense of something. Autistics are speaking up and advocating for change to the current mind set, but change takes time.

The other point that seems to keep getting overlooked is that while it is fine to suspect ASD and bring it up in a constructive conversation, it is neither right nor constructive to 'self diagnose' another person. It is the approach taken, not the suspicion of ASD that is problematic and morally questionable.

 

[Crossbreed]

The other point that seems to keep getting overlooked is that while it is fine to suspect ASD and bring it up in a constructive conversation, it is neither right nor constructive to 'self diagnose' another person. It is the approach taken, not the suspicion of ASD that is problematic and morally questionable.

Fair enough, but looking at the rest of the OP, I think that is more likely a semantic error.*

*I think that the OP is in India.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Autism is a profoundly stigmatized diagnosis and there are a lot of people not ready or willing to accept that they could be autistic. They see it as a weakness, a disease, that needs to be erradicated or cured. Look at the Autism Speaks mission statement...and they are the largest autism collective in the US. It is the prevailing preception of thr neurotype. A disease and a disability.

It is going to have an impact because it is a chronic condition with limited treatment options.

This is a good point. Unfortunately, it is very stigmatized, so providing support--with a non-pathologizing mindset--can be difficult. I saw recently some research was done at Stanford (I think) into the cause of Autism. They compared it to Alzheimer's. These views seem quite typical.

Hopefully the OP's partner doesn't have that view, but it's understandable if they're taken aback at the suggestion of Autism. Hopefully all goes well for them.

 

[Owliet]

Hi all,

I self diagnosed my SO that he's on spectrum. The steps I took afterwards:
- watched YouTube videos.
- did some reserch on Google
- for the first time i asked him about most obvious traits he has and ones i could now identify that were strange for me before. He responded positive on all, and I tried not to be threatening.
- I told him that most people have there's brains wired in one way and fewer have like his, wired in different way, and that's neirological situation but not psychiatric. He identify with all questions... especially with small talk being biring where he chuckled.

But now what?
- I'm not sure i found videos that will make sense... Also his English is good but we'll have to go through few concepts and acronyms that were new to me too...
- watching these videos stressed me out as NT, since I identify with some aspects, of course I'm not, but if it was stressful for me, I imagine it would be that much more for him...
- therapy in India is possible, yet we are in smaller place, there is University hospital, and other large institutions, not sure it's an option right now.

I see him greatly suffer due to life condition in general, but in particular he's spending abnormal amount of energy in actions he think people expect from him, that are completely usless in reality, result he's looking depressed, ehausted...
Just to add that he's high functioning, that compared to non functioning, realistically he's quite limited to what he can actually do, especially he has no ability to cooperate with other people when making descisions.

I see the situation somewhat critical.

What would you suggest I do.
Thanks all Jox

I had to look up what SO meant…

I don’t know what it is like in your country, but maybe you could have a talk with him about it and see what he thinks, then you could introduce to him one of those self -diagnosis tests to see where he fits. Then, if HE is happy to take it further and IF it is impacting his life, he can make the decision to go to a professional who can start the diagnosis process with him. I definitely wouldn’t use YouTube as the only place to make a self diagnosis of another person.=)

 

[Alexej]

When my wife first suggested to me that I might be autistic I was offended and did not take kindly to the suggestion. It took here quite a while of gently dropping hints for me to come round to the possibility that I might be autistic. It was then a process of finding somebody to do the diagnosis and then await their verdict - which was that I was on the spectrum.

My daughter, training to be a doctor, diagnosed me while she was a medical school, but said nothing to me. Not even a suggestion that I might want to consider this as a possible part of who I was. (This was not a helpful approach by her.)

@Jox - you might have made up your mind about your SO, but you dont know. You may have very strong and well founded suspicions, so I would suggest great care in broaching the topic.

Wishing you well, and much wisdom, in the path you choose.