how was i in the dark for so many years?

[chuckintime]

Hi chuckintime. Welcome to the forum! Like you & several other members, I was not officially DXed until I was 48!!! I knew I was not like other people from the time I was a kid but I learned to be a pretty fair mimic & could appear NT & fool people (for short spurts). I think that many of us are so used to appearing in NT drag, that we forget we're doing it! In my case, I can do NT, but I find it exhausting long term, not worth it & unrewarding. As a teacher, my daytime 'clientele' are kids. They are so busy being kids that they don't notice my Aspie-ness anywhere near as much as a hoard of adults in an office setting would. The kids sometimes ask me if I'm mad or sad when I forget my NT drag & the 'expession du jour' slips from my face. I just tell them that i'm fine: just thinking about an upcoming assignment and ways to improve it.

Wow there were so many things you just said that made sooo much sense. I never really put it together before though. I used to try to explain to my doctor what was different about me, and I would tell him that over the years I thought I had gotten really good at "appearing normal" when I needed to, but It would never last, and more importantly it took considerable amount of effort on my part, to the point of exhaustion. I would literally pass out with in minutes of getting out of the situation and into what I felt was a safe environment, like family members car or house or whatever.

 

[Daniel]

OMG exactly how I have been treated my entire life. Its so unbelievably frustrating to be seriously putting in effort into a relationship or friendship just to have people say man your an asshole. but in reality im trying so hard to be doing everything right...

With me, no one would guess that I'm on the spectrum. I just don't look like it, and I don't interact with most people enough that they would be able to tell.

At a few points in my life, I've had conversations where people told me how I'm regarded by others -- "mysterious" is a common theme. Apparently, I'm good-looking, so if I'm cold to people and look pissed off, that gets counted as mystique. (I think I am the luckiest person in the world. If not the luckiest, then definitely up there.) But they also assume my disinterest means that I don't like them. I used to worry about that, but I'm getting over it now that I'm accepting myself as an Aspie.

And knowledge of Asperger's is really limited. If people don't know what to look for, they won't see it. In retrospect, years ago I actually had two older co-workers at a photo store who were on the spectrum; I didn't even really know what Asperger's was at the time. One made yelping noises, and the other had encyclopedic knowledge of The Amazing Race and later got fired for not wanting to serve customers. It's quite possible they didn't know they were on the spectrum. I got along with both of them very well; my coworkers avoided them.

I've found that younger people are more familiar with it; not surprising given the spike in diagnoses in recent decades. The first time I understood what Asperger's involved was when a younger co-worker who took psychology recognized my brother's characteristics (which I had described) as spectrum-like. I didn't get that it applied to me as well for another year and a half.

And now we have the fictional Abed Nadir on Community bringing awareness--I recently had a young person recognize Abed-like traits in me! I was not offended. But she only saw it because I am comfortable being myself around her. Regular people get the formal version of me until I feel otherwise.

 

[Soup]

Explaining NT drag is a toughie. How can you tell a doctor (boss, date, future in-law, parent etc.):

"HI! I'm wearing a DISGUISE! The person you see before you is a replica or sorts. I'm disguised as who I would be & how I would appear, sound & act IF society had its way. The charming (hopefully NOT grimacing) face & conventional-looking get-up you see before you is a FARCE. I do NOT look like this unless I force myself to in order to accommodate your prejudicial expectations. I really look like this (at this point, raise hoodie, don dark glasses & drop the Mona Lisa smile & STIM...making you look sort of like The Unabomber or some other unspecified disturbed person). In the interest of sincerity, I have granted you a gratuitous glimpse at my true being. I now return you to your regularly scheduled 'comfort zone' farce." (put aforementioned tacky costume back on)

Even the most Aspiesque among us can tell that this would not likely go over well. This leaves an Aspie in the awkward position of having to pull off the drag show for as long as possible without going over their personal (& contextual) time limit & have on hand a host of strategies to mitigate that sense we get when we know the disguise is slipping (pretending to have forgotten something & having to suddenly leave, pretending our phone is ringing so we HAVE to excuse ourselves & take the urgent call...awkwardly shifting the focus back onto the other person...) We all seem to have cultivated escape strategies. I've taken to showing up as little as possible for as short a time as I can get away with so I don't have to rely on my strategies unless it is a last resort situation.

When my kids were younger, I always had the 'got to get home because the babysitter has to go at 10:30' escape hatch, as a teacher, I can often escape because I have tons of student work to correct & lessons to plan (I'm actually all planned for 2 weeks in advance!). I wonder if a day will come when I can show up as my Aspie self & wander away without explaining myself to anyone- or even better, TELL THE TRUTH: "This place is noisy, the food is weird, everything smells funny, there are too many people, someone HUGGED me & I want to go home to be with my PUG."

Some more astute NTS may sense that there's something not quite 'real' about our drag selves: sort of like the man in drag who is new to dressing as female so he still walks or sits like a line-backer BUT otherwise is convincing. They may misinterpret this as us being deceitful or dodgy rather than just a hapless Aspie trying to perform a chameleon-like adaptation but not getting it quite perfect (OOPS! forgot NOT to stare...forgot to look like I'm making eye-contact...standing too close or too far...rambling or leaving long silences...). There is so much to think of ALL while possibly interacting at the same time. No wonder so many of us become hyper-avoidant of social situations: it just doesn't seem to be worth the bother.

 

[Judge]

Explaining NT drag is a toughie. How can you tell a doctor (boss, date, future in-law, parent etc.):

"HI! I'm wearing a DISGUISE! The person you see before you is a replica or sorts. I'm disguised as who I would be & how I would appear, sound & act IF society had its way. The charming (hopefully NOT grimacing) face & conventional-looking get-up you see before you is a FARCE. I do NOT look like this unless I force myself to in order to accommodate your prejudicial expectations. I really look like this (at this point, raise hoodie, don dark glasses & drop the Mona Lisa smile & STIM...making you look sort of like The Unabomber or some other unspecified disturbed person). In the interest of sincerity, I have granted you a gratuitous glimpse at my true being. I now return you to your regularly scheduled 'comfort zone' farce." (put aforementioned tacky costume back on)

Even the most Aspiesque among us can tell that this would not likely go over well. This leaves an Aspie in the awkward position of having to pull off the drag show for as long as possible without going over their personal (& contextual) time limit & have on hand a host of strategies to mitigate that sense we get when we know the disguise is slipping (pretending to have forgotten something & having to suddenly leave, pretending our phone is ringing so we HAVE to excuse ourselves & take the urgent call...awkwardly shifting the focus back onto the other person...) We all seem to have cultivated escape strategies. I've taken to showing up as little as possible for as short a time as I can get away with so I don't have to rely on my strategies unless it is a last resort situation.

When my kids were younger, I always had the 'got to get home because the babysitter has to go at 10:30' escape hatch, as a teacher, I can often escape because I have tons of student work to correct & lessons to plan (I'm actually all planned for 2 weeks in advance!). I wonder if a day will come when I can show up as my Aspie self & wander away without explaining myself to anyone- or even better, TELL THE TRUTH: "This place is noisy, the food is weird, everything smells funny, there are too many people, someone HUGGED me & I want to go home to be with my PUG."

Some more astute NTS may sense that there's something not quite 'real' about our drag selves: sort of like the man in drag who is new to dressing as female so he still walks or sits like a line-backer BUT otherwise is convincing. They may misinterpret this as us being deceitful or dodgy rather than just a hapless Aspie trying to perform a chameleon-like adaptation but not getting it quite perfect (OOPS! forgot NOT to stare...forgot to look like I'm making eye-contact...standing too close or too far...rambling or leaving long silences...). There is so much to think of ALL while possibly interacting at the same time. No wonder so many of us become hyper-avoidant of social situations: it just doesn't seem to be worth the bother.

Very insightful. I can emulate some Neurotypical behaviors, but yes- the process can be mentally exhausting for me. I just never had anything to base it on...just chalked it up to being nebulously introverted.

 

[chuckintime]

Some more astute NTS may sense that there's something not quite 'real' about our drag selves: sort of like the man in drag who is new to dressing as female so he still walks or sits like a line-backer BUT otherwise is convincing. They may misinterpret this as us being deceitful or dodgy rather than just a hapless Aspie trying to perform a chameleon-like adaptation but not getting it quite perfect (OOPS! forgot NOT to stare...forgot to look like I'm making eye-contact...standing too close or too far...rambling or leaving long silences...). There is so much to think of ALL while possibly interacting at the same time. No wonder so many of us become hyper-avoidant of social situations: it just doesn't seem to be worth the bother.

That's exactly what happened with my doc he started assuming I was trying to lie or trick him somehow.
Wow I cant even begin to explain how comforting it is to hear somebody talk about this stuff that's not me. I have been starting to wonder if I was going insane or if everyone else was just insane.

 

[chuckintime]

Explaining NT drag is a toughie. How can you tell a doctor (boss, date, future in-law, parent etc.):

When my kids were younger, I always had the 'got to get home because the babysitter has to go at 10:30' escape hatch, as a teacher, I can often escape because I have tons of student work to correct & lessons to plan

I like that, I always used my dog. oh my dog has been pent up for too long don't want him shitting in the living room. lol
escape tactics... lol that's even what some of my family would call it...

 

[Soup]

That's exactly what happened with my doc he started assuming I was trying to lie or trick him somehow.
Wow I cant even begin to explain how comforting it is to hear somebody talk about this stuff that's not me. I have been starting to wonder if I was going insane or if everyone else was just insane.

@ Chuckintime: NOPE! You are not going insane. This is the type of thing that many of us have gone through. Whenever we have our weekly staff meetings, I catch someone looking quizzically at me. When this happens, I know that some aspect of my disguise is gaping at the seams. I either lapsed into one of my zone-outs (I look like a robot with the power cord yanked out) or I must've been stimming. Remembering to monitor every aspect of my appearance & conduct is draining & when these meetings finally end, I make a run for the exit. I've been asked why I leave so quickly: I claim I have some papers to get to the secretary (principal or whomever: there's always something!).

As for everyone else being insane, it is a distinct possibility!

 

[chuckintime]

what is this "stimming" you speak of?

 

[Soup]

Could be rocking back & forth or from side to side, toe-taping, foot shaking & other such repetitive movement of the body. Some of these stims can pass unnoticed (the more common thumb-twiddling & pencil wobbling ones) or they can be extremely obvious & sometimes disturbing to NTs who tend to become disturbed easily simply by seeing something like a harmless Aspie or Autie rocking away, in his or her own world.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Could be rocking back & forth or from side to side, toe-taping, foot shaking & other such repetitive movement of the body. Some of these stims can pass unnoticed (the more common thumb-twiddling & pencil wobbling ones) or they can be extremely obvious & sometimes disturbing to NTs who tend to become disturbed easily simply by seeing something like a harmless Aspie or Autie rocking away, in his or her own world.

The funny thing is, in my younger days, seeing someone else obviously stimming might have disturbed me. I didn't realize that I stimmed too, just in different ways.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Could be rocking back & forth or from side to side, toe-taping, foot shaking & other such repetitive movement of the body. Some of these stims can pass unnoticed (the more common thumb-twiddling & pencil wobbling ones) or they can be extremely obvious & sometimes disturbing to NTs who tend to become disturbed easily simply by seeing something like a harmless Aspie or Autie rocking away, in his or her own world.

My friend said he would bring an empty pen to job interviews. The pen was so he could stim, if there was a table or something underneath which his hands would be invisible. It was empty so he wouldn't get ink on himself.

 

[ghoulbler]

Rocking back and forth looks disturbing to NTs because of horror movies... always the "crazy murderer" in an insane asylum, strapped up in a straight jacket, rocking back and forth with a demented look on their face... they associate rocking back and forth with "crazy" people. Horror movies have too much of an effect on people when it comes to things like this.

 

[Soup]

True enough, Ghoubler: Horror movies capitalize on people's prejudices against & fears of the mentally ill. They also exploit those unfortunates who have been disfigured by accidents such as burns. The person who appears different is always the dangerous maniac. Folk-myths have done the same with elderly women & step-mothers. For some reason, step-mothers always hate their step-kids & hatch evil plots to kill them (never step-fathers, though.) Old women are always evil two-faced witches (NOT in the Pagan/Wiccan sense). They are jealous of younger women & are garden-variety deceivers poisoners.

Now that alleged Aspies have committed one or two high-profile violent crimes, we have become Boogie Man-ized too. This is infuriating & a great injustice since so few of us ever direct violence at anyone else. Seems like sometimes 'society' only values diversity-so long as everyone is just like them & diversity remains a feel-good abstract concept & not a reality.

 

[chuckintime]

Wow I had no idea what it was but I definitely rock back and forth when sitting. or even when standing I shift weight back and forth repetitively. that is something I have very little control over and tends to come out even when trying to be "normal"