How well can you "do" empathy?

[Ambi]

I think it would be more productive to try working on sympathy rather than empathy. I do pretty darn well, unless I go too far and start offering advice (which I can often fall into) - that often reveals a direction that the other person doesn't want. Whereas general sympathetic noises and looks can be interpreted however they want/need.

 

[Adora]

I’m extremely empathetic,I don’t know if it’s due to the fact that I was abused a lot growing up and also being homeless and having to either stay in a pub motel or literally living out of my suitcase but I do think that did contribute a bit towards me being extremely empathetic to those who are struggling and also I like to support the underdogs and they are also type of heroes I seem to like most in movies because I feel I can empathise more for those who struggled.

 

[Mia]

Can usually tell how people are feeling on the surface, by their behaviour. Coming from the sort of background I did, I can enter a room and sense/interpret the psychological temperature of most of it's occupants. It doesn't mean I can do anything about the people in the room, it serves as pre-warning related to my own self-preservation.

I have difficulty with people who hide their emotions, who don't in some way broadcast them. Yet I can usually tell that they are hiding them by the confusing signals they show. I end up confused, and that's the sign for me, to tread lightly. Have been told by people close to me, to stop interpreting their emotions, often they are not even aware of what they unknowingly broadcast, and will deny my interpretation. It's takes a lot of energy to do this and I'd rather not automatically enter into someone's reality.

But empathy, I do have no matter what I've read about Aspies, we don't all fit the strictures of the DMV. It's a learned skill, it's clues are behaviour, eye and face movements, hand and arm and leg and foot movement. The manner in which someone sits, looks, talks, walks, how they place their feet. How they dress, what they say and don't say, what and how they eat, what they like or don't like. What they choose and don't choose. If you study human beings enough, you begin to see patterns. One person is pretty much like another, give or take a few differences. Although that doesn't usually apply to Aspies, who are completely different from others I've known. It requires that you decide how you would feel if you were them, like an actor, that you can emulate, and the resultant emotions you would feel.

I know when people feel a certain way, and can express sympathy, yet I feel false doing so. As if I'm uttering meaningless words. Often, I know the required script, to comfort others. It doesn't mean I like doing so, it usually means that it's easier than becoming too involved and affected by their emotions. Once I've expressed the learned phrases, it's over. And I'm on my way back to my world.

 

[Desiree W]

Sometimes I think I'm overly empathetic. I think some NT's use empathy for manipulation though. For example trying to make some one feel a certain way and then trying to shame them if they don't show empathy. For example, I don't feel empathy for a parent who leaves their small kid/s alone while they go clubbing and something bad ends up happening to the kid/s. I feel NO empathy for that parent, because people should have common decency to find a babysitter or don't go clubbing. I feel no need to put myself in their shoes, because I have common sense enough to know that small kids shouldn't be left alone like that.

 

[Ambi]

Sometimes I think I'm overly empathetic. I think some NT's use empathy for manipulation though. For example trying to make some one feel a certain way and then trying to shame them if they don't show empathy. For example, I don't feel empathy for a parent who leaves their small kid/s alone while they go clubbing and something bad ends up happening to the kid/s. I feel NO empathy for that parent, because people should have common decency to find a babysitter or don't go clubbing. I feel no need to put myself in their shoes, because I have common sense enough to know that small kids shouldn't be left alone like that.

How interesting - yes, they do abuse empathy when trying to make others suffer.

 

[Alan tm]

I sit looking at someone upset thinking, I’m ment to act here .
I think I’m ment to do the list of things people do but I don’t because I can’t judge the moment at all.
I also get told off for not doing sympathy, things like sorry for your loss . I think they have as much sorrow as they can deal with already why say extra ? .
Also congratulations on say a baby , the baby was arriving anyway it’s also up to them how they will feel about it .
I don’t do compliments well , if hair has changed or a dress has changed , it’s just change .
I’m not totally horrible, I view incoming compliments the same way , I think you are obviously wrong .
I’m a really rubbish date .

 

[WereBear]

Ran across this lovely post:

Imagine being at the bottom of a deep, dark hole. Peer up to the top of the hole and you might see some of your friends and family waiting for you, offering words of support and encouragement. This is sympathy; they want to help you out of the pit you have found yourself in. This can assist, but not as much as the person who is standing beside you; the person who is in that hole with you and can see the world from your perspective; this is empathy.

Empathy versus Sympathy

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Ran across this lovely post:

Imagine being at the bottom of a deep, dark hole. Peer up to the top of the hole and you might see some of your friends and family waiting for you, offering words of support and encouragement. This is sympathy; they want to help you out of the pit you have found yourself in. This can assist, but not as much as the person who is standing beside you; the person who is in that hole with you and can see the world from your perspective; this is empathy.

Empathy versus Sympathy

My family would be more like nelson 'ha ha'

Good example.

 

[Roy pryer]

It is important to understand the differences between the 3 things:

Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within the other person's frame of reference.
Sympathy is the perception, understanding, and reaction to the distress or need of another life form.
Compassion motivates people to go out of their way to help the physical, mental or emotional pains of another and themselves.

Part of the reason that this is somewhat confusing is that "empathy" is divided into 2 types:
Affective empathy: the capacity to respond with an appropriate emotion to another's mental or emotional state.
Cognitive empathy: the capacity to understand another's perspective or mental state.

I have found that what most people generally call "empathy" is a combination of Affective Empathy (capacity to respond appropriately) and Sympathy (perception, understanding, and reaction).

Consider your husband's "wrong noise" and your friend's reaction to the "right noise". For that situation, "aw poor thing" was the "appropriate response". What is "appropriate" depends on the person, the situation, the relationship, and other factors. NTs, consciously or not, can quickly read body language and generalize the "situation" to make the "right noise." Obviously with a deficit in understanding facial cues and body language, aspies are going to have trouble with making the "right noise" at the right time.

 

[Roy pryer]

I DONT! I COULDNT CARE LESS ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE!

 

[BK201]

Ran across this lovely post:

Imagine being at the bottom of a deep, dark hole. Peer up to the top of the hole and you might see some of your friends and family waiting for you, offering words of support and encouragement. This is sympathy; they want to help you out of the pit you have found yourself in. This can assist, but not as much as the person who is standing beside you; the person who is in that hole with you and can see the world from your perspective; this is empathy.

Empathy versus Sympathy

I don't see how he/she can assist more than someone who isn't in the hole.

 

[Fitzo]

I don't see how he/she can assist more than someone who isn't in the hole.

It isn't a question of assistance, rather having an understanding of how they feel from having been there. That is empathy.

 

[Propianotuner]

"Doing" empathy is merely giving the impression that you understand. No two people really understand each other, there are infinite experiential voids between them, different senses, different life histories, different everything.

People can have enough in common and be good enough at observing to empathize well but how much does it really say about them? People can be very presumptive and ride on impressions, on either side of the coin; "he understands me", "I understand her". So far as I can tell it takes all kinds of thought, a fair amount in common, and tons of different talks and shared experiences to really begin understanding another person well, and even then the void can be conspicuous enough.

 

[Progster]

I can often work out what a person might be feeling through logic and context - if a relative has died, then it is likely that the person is sad for example, but I don't know what to do to comfort that person beyond saying that I am sorry to hear of their loss. I don't feel sad myself because they are sad, but I know that they are sad. Sometimes I become overwhelmed by others' intense emotions and want to get away. That can seem like a lack of empathy, but I have to deal with it. People kind of expect you to touch or hug them, and I don't like to touch people, I never do this. I can take care of people in a practical sense - offer help, advice, etc, but I don't know how to take care of their emotions. I've been told that I don't pick up easily on people's emotions, and this is part of the issue. I am usually aware when a person is very happy, or grieving, but I don't pick up on subtle changes in emotion. If I'm not aware of the emotional state of the person in the first place, then I'm not likely to respond in the expected way. I need people to tell me how they are feeling rather than rely on my picking up on it.

 

[Judge]

For me, personally, I believe I understand empathy. It's the ability to feel and understand how another feels. It is not always there, as it depends on the individual(s) and/or situation; but I am not without feeling. Having the empathy become an action or demonstrating it as sympathy is another thing, as I think that is something learned.

It makes me think of a remarkable scene from the movie "Nuremberg"

I have this film in my DVD collection. And every time I hear that it makes me cringe. I also have this man's book about the Nuremberg Trials. (Gustavus M. Gilbert) The psychologist who was assigned to analyze the defendants.

Not so much about a lack of empathy, but what concerns me is any perception of a lack of empathy which may not be so apparent to others. IMO determining real "evil" should be an exact science...not something based merely on a perception.

Though in the case of convicted Nazi leaders admittedly this may be a moot point. Where decades later even "the good Nazi" Albert Speer was apparently a very nasty guy too who just simply succeeded in a clever defense to spare his life.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Ran across this lovely post:

Imagine being at the bottom of a deep, dark hole. Peer up to the top of the hole and you might see some of your friends and family waiting for you, offering words of support and encouragement. This is sympathy; they want to help you out of the pit you have found yourself in. This can assist, but not as much as the person who is standing beside you; the person who is in that hole with you and can see the world from your perspective; this is empathy.

Empathy versus Sympathy

Yup!

 

[Jordyn]

Looking back, I felt empathy a lot, but didn't recognize that was what I was feeling. I assumed that I had no empathy, and often I didn't show empathy either, though sometimes it did show.

 

[WereBear]

Not so much about a lack of empathy, but what concerns me is any perception of a lack of empathy which may not be so apparent to others. IMO determining real "evil" should be an exact science...not something based merely on a perception.

Evil is as evil does.

People can say or do things in a moment of rage and fear, and perceptions can warp on both sides. But a clear pattern of abusive behavior towards others is the true test of empathy.

Many people are fooled by a person doing things for children or family members, when in fact the person is only clinging to their child (who they abused) or demand control over their romantic partner (who they abuse) or do things for their parent (who abused them) because they are afraid of them. This isn't empathy at work, though. It's more like a toddler screaming Mine! Mine! because they think that is how they own things.