How you make your NT partner feel loved

[wight]

Though it has become cliché by now, it is no less true: you can not control how someone else feels.

If all is as well as you state with the exception of how she "feels", then I would suggest that perhaps she is expecting something (even unconsciously) that any partner would not be able to supply. Ask if she can attempt to explain what "feeling loved" means in more precise terms.

 

[ezcare]

I'm looking to see if anyone has any advice in this area.... what I can do to help her "feel" that I love her? Keep in mind that this is specific to the bedroom.... she knows I love her in our relationship.
Have you had any similar experiences? Did anything help? Was there anything you learnt?

Thank you for sharing this. I have been struggling with the same problem for 45 years of marriage. It is a Catch22 problem: if you work to improve your romance game by trying to emulate other "successful lovers" that comes across as "programmed" and artificial. If you try to wing it you are like Pinocchio trying to become a real child.
I think it is more important to do whatever it takes to assure her that your love for her is both genuine and enduring. If that is not enough to sustain your marriage then perhaps an Aspie/NT marriage is not workable. And yet, it is always fun to spice up the bedroom scene with unexpected passion

 

[Bolletje]

I'm an Aspie woman with a NT boyfriend. I mostly express affection by calling him ridiculous names and poking his sides until he flinches and dies in game. I express my love grown up stylez, yo!
But on a more serious note, when we're intimate there's usually at least one moment of looking into his eyes and telling him how much I love him.
Other than that it's mostly wildly inappropriate comments and smacking dat ass when it walks past.
[off topic] I'm not sure why my language wants to be all 90's hip hop and ****, but I'm rollin' with it. [/off topic]

 

[jaccopippel]

Hi Dan,

I was looking at some other books about marriage with an aspie. The one that looked quite interesing to me was: Asperger Marriage and Relationships: Insights from the Front Line by Karen Slee. There is also an app for Android or Iphone.

Jacco Pippel

 

[ezcare]

Ask if she can attempt to explain what "feeling loved" means in more precise terms.

That is a pure Aspie protocol. NTs never ask each other to explain or define stuff like this!

 

[wight]

It's exactly the sort of question a therapist would ask if they went to one about this.

 

[ezcare]

It's exactly the sort of question a therapist would ask if they went to one about this.

That might be the case if the therapist were tuned into both Aspie and NT traits. But I doubt a therapist who deals only with NT patients would get the implications such a question might have if asked by an Aspie to an NT partner. It might come across like "How do you feel now that you have stopped beating your wife?" kind of question. Or the proverbial, "Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?"

 

[Dannarama]

Thank you for sharing this. I have been struggling with the same problem for 45 years of marriage. It is a Catch22 problem: if you work to improve your romance game by trying to emulate other "successful lovers" that comes across as "programmed" and artificial. If you try to wing it you are like Pinocchio trying to become a real child.
I think it is more important to do whatever it takes to assure her that your love for her is both genuine and enduring. If that is not enough to sustain your marriage then perhaps an Aspie/NT marriage is not workable. And yet, it is always fun to spice up the bedroom scene with unexpected passion

The general theme here seems to be "be yourself" and "what she's describing may have less to do with you (the Aspie) than you think".
And HAHAHA, this scene looks like me, only with less biting and scratching

 

[Dannarama]

I'm an Aspie woman with a NT boyfriend. I mostly express affection by calling him ridiculous names and poking his sides until he flinches and dies in game. I express my love grown up stylez, yo!
But on a more serious note, when we're intimate there's usually at least one moment of looking into his eyes and telling him how much I love him.
Other than that it's mostly wildly inappropriate comments and smacking dat ass when it walks past.
[off topic] I'm not sure why my language wants to be all 90's hip hop and ****, but I'm rollin' with it. [/off topic]

If it helps u roll with it... I dulled down my language in order to post here DAT ASS bish xDD and I'm LOLing at how much your description sounds like me in this relationship If I diss the crap out of someone, it means I think they're pretty dope!

 

[ezcare]

You both should know about each others needs at all times. Put her needs first and take care of them.

Easier said than done; even between two NT partners. But still should be the goal of a life-long relationship.

 

[ezcare]

I'm new to the forums here. I've got something specific to ask, maybe your views will help me & others.

Thank you for posting an important question and being open to the diverse responses you received. Hope you will remain an active member of AspiesCentral. We all need and appreciate the insights fellow members provide. It works when we work it!

 

[Caddy]

Just been reading this thread with my NT wife and she's said something that was a bit of an eye opener for me; where our NT other halfs have asked us to be spontaneous (which to me is a blood scary thing), what she thinks may be a better way of putting it is having variety instead,
I once bought my wife flowers and she loved them, so I just kept buying them, she's not really that bothered by them now, just a thought